韦恩

Wayne S01E05

Part 1 May 19, 2020, 2:17 p.m.

马萨诸塞州布罗克顿
一年前
你♥他♥妈♥的知道自己在干嘛吗
What the fuck are you doing?
黛尔
第一季第五集
第五章
该你了
All right, now you try.
我做不到的
I can't do it!
-妈妈来吧你可以的 -我不行
- Mom, come on. Yes, you can. - No!
来嘛
Come on!
-好吧 -准备好了吗
- Okay. - You ready?
-准备好了 -来吧
- All right. - Yeah.
-一二...
- One... - Two...
-来吧 -来一二...
- Okay. - Okay, one, two...
我做不到
Oh, I can't do it.
我不行
I can't do it.
我呛了...
The water...
好多水差点没淹死
gets up my nose and I... I start drowning.
除非和你爹69式
I'm not meant to be upside down.
我是不会把自己倒过来的
Not unless your father's behind me.
天啊妈少恶心人了
Oh, Jesus, Ma. Don't be disgusting.
不然你以为你是怎么造出来的
How do you think you got here?
浅水区
请勿潜水
又开始撩骚小伙子了
Oh, my God. Will you stop?
他好像还是我们学校的呢
I think he goes in my school.
如果他真是你们学校的
Well, if he goes to your school,
你才应该去撩他
then you should be the one flirting with him.
没兴趣
I'm good.
别这样他瞅着还不赖
Come on, he's half decent.
工作不错可能还有辆车
Good job, maybe he's got a car.
我真没兴趣
I said, I'm good.
什么情况心有所属了吗男孩还是女孩
What is it, another boy? Another girl?
说什么呢妈
Jesus, Ma!
我才不管那些呢你开心就好了
I don't give a shit. As long as you're happy
当然她还得有辆车
and she's got a car.
我现在没兴趣谈男朋友就这样
I just don't really want a boyfriend right now, that's all.
谁家十四岁花季少女不想处个对象呀
What kind of 14-year-old girl doesn't want a boyfriend?
我很忙
I'm busy.
-忙啥 -忙着做事
- Busy with what? - With stuff.
我在考虑要不要竞选学生会主席
I'm thinking of running for Class President.
等等真的吗
Oh wait, for real?
是啊可能吧我也不知道
Yeah. I mean, maybe. I just... I don't know.
不知道像我这样的人会不会有人投票
I don't know if I'm the type of person that people would vote for.
会不会有人喜欢都不一定所以再看吧
Not really. Even like or whatever, so.
为什么没人喜欢你
Why wouldn't they like ya?
你聪明善良长得又这么好看
You're smart, you're kind, you're pretty.
还会水下倒立
You can do a frigging underwater handstand!
-妈妈... -如果是我肯定投你
- Ma... - I'm just saying, I would vote for ya.
说起这个
Hey, you know what?
我都没毕过业说不定我可以重新回去
I never actually graduated. Maybe I can go back and
念完高中这样就能给你投票了
finish the tenth grade just so I can vote for ya.
万分感谢我相信你这至关重要的一票
Oh, yeah, thanks. I'm sure your one vote
一定能助我一举登顶
would really just send me over the top.
没准呢
Maybe.
我说不好可能我就是那种平平庸庸不出风头的人吧
I don't know. I'm just not the type of person that people notice, so.
一天就这么埋头读书有人注意到你才怪呢
Well, how are they gonna notice ya if your nose is always in a book?
反正大学招生委员会能注意到我就行了
Okay, well, college admissions officers will notice me, so...
听着轮到我来教教你了
Here. It's my turn to teach you something.
多娜
主动出击全力以赴才能得到你想要的
If you want something, you gotta go out and get it.
人们喜欢你的话想要什么都唾手可得了
And you can get anything you want if people like ya.
诀窍在于凸显你自已的优势
It's all about accentuating what you already got.
不想打击你但你的胸是发育不起来了
Now, I'd like to tell you the titties are coming, but they're not.
咱家两边的女人
From both sides of the family,
自古以来都是飞机场
you come from a long line of tit-less women.
所以展现其他方面的魅力吧
So turn up the charm.
小帅哥
Hey, handsome.
请来两杯椰林飘香Uh, two pinas coladas, please.
由白朗姆酒凤梨汁
和柠檬汁调制而成的鸡尾酒
一杯无酒精[处♥女♥]的给她
Uh, make one of 'em virgin for her,
或者半酒精[半处♥女♥] 我也不确定
or half-virgin. I'm not sure.
妈...
Ma...
你可以把它先记在账单上
And can you just, uh, add it to the tab
写在二一九房♥间下就行
you got going from 219?
名字是
And the name?
格拉西艾拉·坎珀斯
Graciella Campos.
-谢谢您坎珀斯小姐 -谢谢
- Thank you, Ms. Campos. - Thank you.
怎么了嘛
What?
一丢丢小谎而已
It's just a teeny tiny little lie.
真的格拉西艾拉会对这笔消费提出异议所以没有受害者不算犯罪
The real Graciella would dispute the charges, victimless crime.
莫非你刚说的不是受害人的名字和罪行喽
Okay. Well, you just named the victim and the crime.
而你前一秒才告诉我如果人们喜欢你
Plus, you literally just said if people like you,
想要什么都唾手可得
you can get whatever you want.
有时吧
Well, sometimes,
想让人们喜欢你最好就别做自己
to get people to like you, you gotta not be you at all.
我尿急
I gotta piss wicked.
记住
Okay, now remember,
你是格拉西艾拉·坎珀斯的女儿
you're the daughter of Graciella Campos,
我们从费城来来参加医疗器材销♥售♥大会
we're visiting from Philly for the medical supply convention.
就随便编点小细节让他们相信
Just give 'em some details that sound like you're the kid
你是卖♥♥医疗器械家的孩子
of someone that sells doctor shit.
天啊谢了妈
Well, gee, thanks, Ma.
任务很艰巨啊
You're really giving me a lot to work with here.
你能不能去和那个救生员谈谈天说说爱
Will you please flirt with that lifeguard?
-让他帮你给身上抹点身体乳什么的 -天哪又来
- Have him rub some of this on you, okay? - Stop! Jesus!
那是我女儿
That's my daughter.
可能是只负鼠
Could be a possum.
它他妈喵喵叫呢
It's fuckin' meowin'.
负鼠会喵吗
Possums don't fuckin' meow.
你是突然成负鼠博士了还是咋的
All of a sudden, you got a fucking PhD in possums now?
负鼠博士你知道点啥
A Possum hD? What the fuck do you know?
你龟儿脑壳进水老这就是只猫
It's a fucking cat, you idiot.
我们说不定能留下它起个名字叫德雷克
Maybe we can keep 'em. Name him Drake.
养什么猫养猫我看你像猫
We're not keepin' that fuckin' cat.
妈卖♥♥批的锤啥呢锤
Hey, what the fuck are you doing? Hey!
我要把它从墙里吓出来它们讨厌这个声音
I'm just scaring 'em out of the wall. They hate this shit.
知道谁还讨厌这个声音吗
You know who else hates this fucking shit? Huh?
你爹我消停点
Me. Cut it out.
让你别锤你偏锤完了吧负鼠精
I fucking told you. Meowing possums.
我说没说过在房♥子里搞破坏后果很严重
What'd I tell you about hitting in this household, huh?
你妈和你妹呢
Now, where's your mother and your sister?
你妈不回短♥信♥
Your ma's not answerin' her texts.
不知道妈说什么
I don't know. Ma mentioned something
共享女生时光还是什么
about goin' on a girls' day or some shit.
她说啥什么时候说的
She said what? When'd she say that?
我问她我能不能去时她告诉我的
When I asked her if I could come.
滚吧愁死个人
Get out. You're killing me.
我们怎么从来不一起共享男生时光呢
Hey, how come we never do a boys' day?
受不了这俩肉头猪了
Because I can't stand you two. Fuck!
-你怎么卖♥♥我呢你 -我不早提醒你了嘛
- What the fuck is your deal? - I got you good.
让你别锤墙了
I have told you...
-别打别打我 -先解决猫就打你
- Take it, take it easy. - We got the cat. Boom!
打扰一下
Excuse me.
能问一下您是和谁一起的吗
Can I ask who it was you were staying with again?
我是...
Uh, I'm, uh...
格拉西艾拉的女儿
Graciella's kid.
坎珀斯
Um, Campos.
我们来这里参加那个...医疗器材销♥售♥大会
We're here with the, um, the medical supply convention.
那个她是我妈妈我妈
Well, you know, she is. My mom.
她是个医生
She's a doctor. You know,
检测心脏啥的
heart monitors.
她她是我妈
And, uh, she's my mom.
出什么状况了
What the hell's going on over here?
有人不经过格拉西艾拉·坎珀斯的允许