第五大道

Avenue 5 S01E05

Part 3 March 19, 2020, 9:26 a.m.

I'm writing my jokes on tissue paper.
这年头还有谁会这么干
Who does that these days?
我们可以延后开场五分钟
We can delay the start by five minutes.
你确定我来这里安全吗
Are you sure it's safe for me here?
-我已经看到白眼了 -放轻松
- I'm getting sneering looks. - Oh, honey, relax.
大家都是来赞美瑞恩船长的
Everybody's here to celebrate Captain Ryan.
我的天他穿高领真是帅气
Oh my god, he looks amazing in that turtleneck.
听着他穿成那样
Listen, with him wearing that,
我保证没有人会去想你了
I guarantee nobody is thinking about you.
我们的组合很棒
We make a really great team.
你来拯救飞船我来感谢你
You saving the ship, and me thanking you for that.
你要知道他们可能
Yeah. I mean, you know, they were probably
在全球直播呢
livestreaming the whole thing all over the world.
所以现在我可能比超级碗上
So right now, I'm probably more famous
拉裤子的那家伙还有名
than that guy who shat his pants at the Superbowl.
-丹尼尔·拉德克里夫 -对
- Daniel Radcliffe? - Yeah.
哈利·波特演员
他们俩很般配啊
Those two are an item.
-他们俩 -对
- Those two? - Yeah.
-不可能不配 -般配
- No. No way. Nuh-uh. No. - Yeah.
她不是他的菜
She's not his type.
我觉得他可能
I mean, I think he would...
我觉得他可能更喜欢年长的女人
I think he would probably want an older woman,
更成熟一点的女人
you know, a woman who's more, like, mature.
在我看来
The way I see it, like...
船上的两千五百个女人
twenty-five hundred women on board?
至少有七百个
At least seven hundred of them,
我绝对愿意跟她们"开个同意会"
I would totally want a consensual meeting with.
-是啊 -是啊是啊
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
我今天晚上要去"开个知情同意会"
I am gonna get me some informed consent tonight.
找一位坚强独♥立♥的女人
Just some sweet, sweet informed consent
开"热辣的知情同意会"
from a strong autonomous woman.
你们听到那个了吗我觉得那是
Hey guys, did you hear that? I... I think that was the sound
七百个女人的阴♥道♥合上的声音
of seven hundred vaginas snapping shut.
不是的
It's not.
不好意思失陪了我太饥渴了
Now, if you'll excuse me, I am horny as hell,
所以我要出去好好打上一炮
so I am gonna go out and get my body slammed.
她说这个没关系
And it's okay that she said...
我们分居了
We're... We're separated.
他们只是还没给我找到客舱
They just haven't found me my own cabin yet.
那个...
Oh, we, uh...
-我们应该... -对我们应该
- We should... - Yeah, we should.
我梳洗一下去下面找你们
I'll freshen up and see you down there.
意思是他要去哭一会
That means he has to have a little cry.
不是那个意思
I really don't.
-来一杯 -我平常不喝酒
- Shots? - You know, I usually don't drink
因为酒让我坦率又固执
because it makes me blunt and opinionated.
你平常就是这样啊
As opposed to?
大家好
Hey, everyone.
欢迎来到半程派对
Welcome to the Halfway Home party.
等一下我就会请出
Now, in a second, I'm gonna bring out
今晚的喜剧演员他叫乔丹·哈特瓦
our comedian for the evening. His name's Jordan Hatwal.
他非常紧张
He is... ...extremely nervous.
但我知道你们肯定会喜欢他的
Okay? But I know you guys are gonna love him.
对吧
Right?
对
Yeah.
好吧
Okay. Okay.
我觉得他可能更紧张了
I think that's probably gonna make him more nervous
因为刚刚反响平平
'cause it was pretty underwhelming.
我们再试一次好吗
Let's try it again, right?
你们期待乔丹·哈特瓦吗
Are you excited for Jordan Hatwal?
好了
Okay, okay.
我想他达不到你们的期望
Okay. I don't think he can live up to that.
如果他真那么厉害
You know, if he was that good,
他就该在地球上办大型演出
he'd probably be doing arena shows on Earth.
不过
But...
既然我已经降低了你们的预期
Now that I've lowered your expectations again,
我想你们反而会感到惊喜
I think you might be pleasantly surprised
觉得乔丹·哈特瓦的朴素笑话还不错
by the competent, workmanlike comedy of Jordan Hatwal.
但趁他还没出来征服你们
But before he comes out to win you over
或者吓死你们
or die horribly,
我想为我们的英雄们
I want to give a big round of applause
献上掌声瑞恩·克拉克船长
to our heroes, Captain Ryan Clark...
-以及 -比莉·麦克沃伊
- and... - Billie McEvoy!
前宇航员斯派克·马丁
...former astronaut Spike Martin.
什么
What?
好了乔丹你准备好了吗
Okay. Jordan, are you ready to go?
好了
Yep.
听听他很紧张是吧
Listen to him, he's nervous, right?
-是的 -没错好的
- Yeah! - Yeah! Okay!
请你们鼓起掌来
Please put your hands together
或者悄悄把对乔丹·哈特瓦的意见藏好了
or silently reserve judgement for Jordan Hatwal.
好的你们还好吗
All right. Hey, how you doin'?
我刚睡了120小时有错过什么吗
I've been asleep for the last 120 hours, what did I miss?
我们要在这里困上三年
We're stuck up here for three years.
伙计们那是他第一个笑话
Okay, guys. That was his first joke,
所以你可以笑笑一笑没事
so you can laugh, it's okay to laugh.
马特别这样
Matt, don't-- Don't do that.
我只是只是想帮帮忙
I'm just-- I'm just trying to help.
在半程派对上表演
Yeah, it's-- it's hard doing, uh,
实属不易我们离半程还远着呢
a Halfway Home gig when, I mean, we're not even halfway--
-这个话题被我否了 -好吧
- I vetoed that angle. - Uh... okay.
伙计们假装我们已经航行了21个月
Guys, pretend that we're 21 months into the voyage.
对吗这样好点吗
Right? Is-- is that helpful?
-好点 -没有
- Yes. - No.
没有没有好点
Doesn't-- It's not helpful.
你想上来表演吗
Do you want-- Do you wanna come up here and do the set?
当然好啊
Sure, yeah.
我不是真的问你
I wasn't actually asking.
你是在开玩笑
Oh, you were joking?
是的那是个玩笑
Yep, that was a joke.
我就是来开玩笑的
That's what I'm here to do.
仿佛有个笑话警♥察♥盯着我
It's like the joke police over here.
总之鞋拔子
Anyway, shoehorns...
-很奇怪不是吗 -没错
- pretty weird, aren't they? - Yes!
感谢你们的服务
Thank you for your service!
你们是现实中的英雄
You're real-life heroes!
-大家都爱我们 -不不不好意思
- People loved us. - No, no, no, I'm sorry, no.
我不明白我只是我不明白
I don't get it. I just don't-- I don't get this, this--
我和太空掰手腕而且赢了我的功劳
I arm-wrestled with space and I won, so that was me.
说到手腕你的手臂真坚挺
Speaking of arms, yours are so firm.
你在拯救生命之际怎么抽时间锻炼的
How do you find gym time in between saving lives?
坚挺是我的中间名
Well, f-- f-- firm is my middle name.
你叫什么名字
What's your first name?
-科林 -科林·坚挺
- Colin. - Colin Firm.
是的科林·坚挺·埃比弗茨
Yeah, Colin Firm Erbifritz.
这是意大利语吗
Oh, is that Italian?
-不其实是 -谁在乎
- No, it's actu-- - Who cares?
-好吧 -好吧
- Okay. - Okay.
猜猜今晚还有谁在猎艳
Guess who else will be on the prowl tonight?
瑞恩·克拉克船长女士们先生们
Captain Ryan Clark, ladies and gentlemen.
他像只野猫一样饥渴而多毛我很清楚
He's as horny and as hairy as a tomcat, and I should know,
因为他曾经在我肚里留了种
because back in the day, he put a baby up me.
你早期发育阶段是缺氧吗
Was your oxygen restricted in your early developmental years?
耻辱是洗不掉的弗兰克
Oh, you can't wash the shame away, Frank.
下次交给专业人士
Next time leave it to the professionals,
你这个笨蛋
you silly man.
船长凭什么不能玩弄女人
Why can't the Captain be a womanizer?
或者玩弄男人
Or a man-anizer?
他爱干嘛干嘛
He can do what he wants.
我现在真的不在乎了
I actually don't care at this point.