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好了 我要写上你喜欢水上运动
Okay, I'm gonna say that you like water sports,
因为这会让你的魅力值提升10%
because that'll make you 10% more attractive.
这太蠢了 我不需要约会软件
This is dumb. I don't need to be on a dating app.
这里就是个认识人的好地方
This is a great place to meet people.
那晚我帮一位很不错的女士搬东西上车
I helped a very nice woman to her car the other night.
我们知道 那个香蕉囤积狂人
Oh, no, we know. The banana hoarderer.
是"囤积症患者"
It's "Hoarder."
好 知道了 你上过医学院 行吧
Okay, we get it. You went to med school, alright?
对 就是我说的那个女人
Well, yes, that is the woman I'm talking about,
行吧
and...fine.
写上我喜欢水上运动吧
Say I like water sports.
我刚刚谷歌♥了"水上运动"
I just Googled "Water sports."
我觉得这个词在不同软件上含义不同
I think it means something different on the apps.
好 现在上传头像照片
Okay, we're gonna do the profile picture now.
好 谢了
Yeah. Thanks.
-现在吗 -对 把胸露出来吧
- Now? - Yeah. Let's lead with the boobs.
什么 真不敢相信你要这样
What? I can't believe you're doing this.
怎么了
What's happening?
这是明摆着的 来吧
Read 'em and weep. Let's go.
你穿的是什么
Now, what is that?
哺乳内衣吗
Is that a nursing bra?
这是我的工作内衣
It's my work bra!
它前面有支撑物 能托举我的胸
It's got support in the front for lifting.
好吧 如果你不想约到
Oh, okay. So if you don't want someone
开货车的家伙 还是把它扔了吧
with a moving truck, you're gonna wanna ditch that.
我这有爆♥乳♥神器
Here, I've got something that'll make them pop.
今天是周二 我和丹的"激♥情♥之夜" 你们懂的
It's Tuesday "Sex night" With Dan, and, you know.
这是它唯一会被脱掉的时刻
This is the only time it's gonna come off, so...
我就在这等着
I'll be right here, just waiting.
-给你 -不不不
- Here you go. - No, no, no, no, no.
这跟你的裤子不搭
That doesn't go with those pants.
穿这条裤子时我不♥穿♥内♥裤♥ 所以...
I don't wear underwear in these, so...
生活新方向
第一季 第四集
姐♥妹♥们♥ 这些软件上就没有值得约会的对象
Guys, there's no one worth dating on these apps.
马里奥 36岁
安德莉亚 38岁
史蒂夫 42岁
就像是网购
It's like online shopping,
但没有我的尺码和款式
but there's nothing in my size or style.
至少你是双性恋
Well, at least you're bi.
想象一下 要是你只能选男人
I mean, imagine if you had to choose from only the men.
等等 他是说"仅接受互有好感"吗
Wait a minute. Does that say "Good Vibes Only"?
-天啊 -那也太不包容了
- Oh, God. - That's not very inclusive.
好了 这一个
Oh, okay. Here.
希玛 26岁
这个人不会让我犯恶心
Here's someone who doesn't completely make me sick.
是啊
Oh, yeah.
你们俩这一炮会很诱人
You two would have very attractive sex.
-是吗 -等等
- Right? - Hang on.
这是梅里克溜冰场吗
Does that say Merrick Skateway?
看看她照片的背景
Look at her background.
希玛 26岁
没错
It is.
她穿着制♥服♥ 她在那工作
She's wearing the uniform. She works there.
我们得去见见她
We have to go check her out.
我们可以溜冰 艾米 我们可以带孩子去
And we can skate! Amy, we can take our kids.
会很有趣的
It would be so fun.
我原本想带他们去商场里布满鼻屎的游乐场
I was gonna bring them to that booger-infested playground at the mall,
不过算了 我觉得这里更好
but no, I guess this is a step up.
姐♥妹♥们♥ 我甚至不想约会
Guys, I don't even want to be dating,
更别提让你们带孩子去当我的僚机了
much less have you as my wingmen with your children.
但如果你不去约会
But you are never gonna find happiness
就永远找不到幸福
if you don't put yourself out there.
关键在于展现快乐
It's all about manifesting joy.
《奥普拉杂♥志♥》也这么说
Or so says O Magazine.
美国著名主持人奥普拉创办的女性杂♥志♥
天啊
Oh, crap on a stick.
是卢克同学的妈妈
It's a mother from Luke's school.
掩护我
Hide me, please.
什么情况 她刚刚是无视我了吗
Oh, excuse me. Did she just avoid me?
厚颜无♥耻♥
The nerve!
你好 我就知道是你
Hi! I thought that was you!
是我
It's me.
我只想说很抱歉
I just want to say I'm sorry
没有邀请卢克参加迪伦的派对
Luke wasn't invited to Dylan's party.
我不知道他办了派...
I didn't -- I didn't know that he had a p--
-还有派对 -是啊
- there was a party. - Yeah.
只是因为我们鼓励迪伦要真实一点
It's just that we're encouraging Dylan to be more authentic,
他觉得他和卢克没什么共同点
and he doesn't feel like he and Luke have a lot in common,
因此假装他们是朋友很虚伪
so it would be inauthentic to pretend they're friends.
迪伦喜欢动物 但不是一直喜欢
Dylan likes animals, but not all the time.
是啊 没问题
Yeah, right. No, of course.
我们都是成年人
We're -- we're all grown-ups here, so...
是啊 没关系
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No big deal.
有件事
Oh, one thing, um...
我想让你知道 是我先无视你的
I want you to know that I avoided you first.
知道吗 迪伦妈妈
Okay, Dylan's Mom?
卢克现在没被邀请参加生日派对
Luke isn't getting invited to birthday parties now.
这算什么事
I mean, what is that?
我们小时候 被教育要友善
When we were kids, we were taught to be nice.
要邀请所有人 即便是失败者
Everyone was invited, even the losers.
我们从中收获了一生的友谊
And we got a lifelong friendship out of it.
是啊 等等 你们说的是谁
Yes! Who -- Wait. Who are you talking about?
你已经迈出成功第一步了
Hey, hey, hey. You got a foot in the door.
我们就心存感激吧
Let's all just be grateful.
我能再来一根刚买♥♥的冰棍吗
Can I have one of the new Popsicles?
看你表现
Depends.
谁是世界上最好的妈妈
Who's the best mom in the whole world?
是你
You are!
去超♥市♥购物会更有趣 当你跟着...
Grocery shopping is so much more fun when you come with --
喂
Hey.
喂 乔迪
Hey, Jodie.
我看了你跟我说的奥普拉文章
I read that Oprah article you told me about.
太棒了
It is awesome.
奥普拉就是最棒的吧
Isn't Oprah the best?
妈妈 我要吃冰棒
Mommy! I want a Popsicle!
是啊 的确
Yeah, totally.
我在尝试展示我的快乐
hey, so, I am working on manifesting my joy,
我想问你件事
and there's something that I wanted to ask you about,
但是...
but, um...
我有点担心这样不太合适
kind of worried that it might be inappropriate.
你可以和我谈任何事
You can talk to me about anything.
妈妈 我要吃冰棒
Mommy, I want Popsicles!
我要吃...
I want Pop--
拿去 抱歉 不是对你说的
Go get it! Sorry, that wasn't to you.
老天 健身房♥要是知道我问客户这个
Oh, man, the gym would kill me if they knew
他们会杀了我
I was asking a client this.
我要创立自己的健身公♥司♥ 你能给我点建议吗
Can you give me advice on starting my own fitness company?
你知道那将不只是个公♥司♥
But it's gonna be more than a company, you know?
将会是...一个健身王国
It's gonna be a-a fitness empire --
像是健身课 保健品 无袖T恤
classes, supplements, sleeveless T-shirts, you know?
听上去很不错 但你为什么觉得我能帮忙
That all sounds great, but why do you think I can help?
我想说你以前在银行工作
Well, I mean, you used to work at a bank.
你了解资金和商业知识
You understand money and business.
再说我看到你手♥机♥上有"提醒"的应用软件
Plus, I've seen you use the Reminders app on your phone,
那个应用太棒了
and that is awesome.
对 我很厉害
Yeah, I'm pretty awesome.
你考虑过在拿索社区学院
Have you ever considered taking some business courses
修些商科课程吗
at Nassau Community College?
我就知道找你准没错
I knew you would have the answer.
你总是能给好建议 你真的很成熟
You always have the answer. You are such a real grown-up.
该死 我得挂了
Oh, shoot. I gotta go.
我的客户来了 不过我晚点再打给你 好吗
I got a client, but I will talk to you later, okay?
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