糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories S07E08
Part 1
Jan. 2, 2021, 2:37 p.m.
*恐怖都铎 华丽乔治*
*Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians*
*卑劣斯图亚特 邪恶维多利亚*
*Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians*
*悲惨战役 凶残争斗*
*Woeful wars, ferocious fights*
*昏暗古堡 英勇骑士*
*Dingy castles, daring knights*
*恐怖难以言表*
*Horrors that defy description*
*凶狠凯尔特 可怕古埃及*
*Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians*
*凶残维京 冷血罪行 远古的惩罚*
*Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes, punishment from ancient times*
*罗马人 堕落恶心又冷血*
*Romans, rotten, rank, and ruthless*
*穴居人 野蛮残酷不长牙*
*Caveman, savage, fierce and toothless*
*绝妙古希腊 聪明大圣人*
*Groovy Greeks, brainy sages*
*卑鄙又卑微 就是中世纪*
*Mean and measly Middle Ages*
*血腥故事无限多*
*Gory stories we do that*
*且听鼠君对你说*
*And your host a talking rat*
*历史不再是个谜*
*The past is no longer a mystery*
*欢迎收看*
*Welcome to*
糟糕的历史
糟糕的历史本期带来...
Horrible History presents...
残酷的统治者
在一个因战争而四分五裂的国家
In a country torn apart by war...
俄♥罗♥斯♥
莫斯科
...一人专权统治
..One man would rule them all -
恐怖伊凡[伊凡四世]
等等 等等 什么的伊凡
Wait, wait, wait. Ivan, the what-what?
不对 你说的是伟大的伊凡吧
No, you mean Ivan the Great!
伟大的伊凡
他的确创造了整个俄♥罗♥斯♥帝国
He did create the whole of the Russian Empire...
...通过杀害五万人
..By killing 50,000 people.
真的有那么多吗
Wow, was it really that many?
你数到前几千之后就数不清了吧
You lose count after the first few thousand.
受人敬爱的伊凡怎么样
OK, what about Ivan the Loveable?
因为我儿子死后我真的很伤心
Because I was really sad when my son died.
受人敬爱的伊凡
儿子死后 他确实缺爱
He really did need love when his son died...
...因为是他杀了他儿子
..Because he murdered him!
这即使对我而言也有点太可怕了
Yeah, true, that is pretty terrible, even for me.
伊凡的确谋杀了他的亲生儿子
人无完人
Nobody's perfect.
不可思议的伊凡怎么样
What about Ivan the Amazing?
不可思议的伊凡
他建造了美丽的圣瓦西里主教堂
He built the beautiful church of St Basil,
然后戳瞎了那些建筑师
and then blinded the architects
这样他们就造不出更好的建筑了
so they couldn't build anything better.
你知道吗
OK, fine, you know what?
就是恐怖伊凡 因为我刚刚查过了
Ivan the Terrible it is, because I've just looked it up,
这个恐怖不是吓人的意思
and terrible does not mean horrible.
在俄语词典中它的意思是"了不起的"
In the Russian dictionary it means awesome, yeah!
恐怖[了不起的]伊凡
那就是恐怖[了不起的]伊凡
Ivan the Terrible it is, then.
你可别忘了
And don't you forget it!
他走了吗
Is he gone?
恐怖伊凡在将近五百年前统治俄♥罗♥斯♥
Ivan the Terrible ruled Russia nearly 500 years ago,
他的确是个残酷的统治者
and was a truly Ruthless Ruler.
我常常想着我会成为一个伟大的国王
You know, I've always thought I'd make a great king.
但做一个统治者可没那么容易
But it's not easy to become a ruler.
我最好的机会大概是娶个女皇
My best chance would probably be to marry a queen.
但她们可不会嫁给什么汤姆 迪克或鼠君
But they won't just marry any old Tom, Dick or Ratus.
不 事实上 皇家约会可是很复杂的
No, in fact, royal dating can be really complicated.
历史版初次约会
每个人在生命中都需要爱情 甚至皇室也是
Everyone needs love in their lives, even royalty.
弗莱德
《历史版初次约会》顾问
欢迎 欢迎来到《历史版初次约会》
Bienvenue, welcome to Historical First Dates.
英国女皇伊丽莎白一世刚登上皇位
Elizabeth I of England is new to the throne,
伊丽莎白一世
1559年
正在寻觅丈夫
and looking in need of a husband
来巩固她的女皇地位
to strengthen her position as queen.
西班牙费利佩二世
但她初次约会迟到了
But she's late for her first date,
她的未来丈夫已经在等她了
and her potential husband is already waiting.
抱歉 我迟到了 我...
Sorry I'm late, I got... Oh.
你好 伊丽莎白
Hello, Elizabeth.
真不敢相信他们会让我
Can't believe they would set me up
约会我死去姐姐的丈夫
with my dead sister's husband.
我知道 这有点尴尬
I know, it's a little bit awks,
但我们能为我们的国家带来和平和繁荣
but we would bring peace and prosperity to both our nations.
等我们结婚了 你当然就要改信天主教
You will obviously convert to Catholicism when we marry,
你的国家也是 而我会作为国王统领两国
and so will your country. And I will rule both as a king.
-橄榄要吗 -不要
- Olive? - No.
我还会再见到他吗
Will I see him again?
他把我妈妈叫做女巫
Well, he called my mother a witch,
那还是好的了
and that was one of the high points.
我觉得我们对付得了一两批西班牙舰队
I think we can deal with an armada or two.
他太糟了 我不知道玛丽是怎么受得了他的
He's awful, I don't know how Mary put up with him.
还有橄榄吗
Are there more olives coming?
没了
No more olives.
历史版初次约会
残酷的统治者
对统治者来说 不是只有寻爱那么复杂
It's not just finding love that's complicated for a ruler.
甚至是最简单的散个步
Even the simplest things like going for a walk
或者上厕所 都很繁琐
or taking a royal wee can be tricky.
比如伊丽莎白一世的父亲 亨利八世
Take Elizabeth I's dad, Henry VIII.
他觉得每个人都想害他
He thought everyone was out to get him,
所以简单如睡觉
and that made a simple thing like going to bed
都很复杂
very complicated indeed.
晚安
Night, night!
亨利八世的卧室 1545年
今晚早睡
An early night, I think.
亨利八世很困
Sleepy Henry VIII after
又是一整天忙于各项事务
another hard day's ruling over everything.
好主意 陛下
Yes, good idea, sire.
今晚早睡 我把清单拿过来 陛下
An early night. I shall just get the list, your highness.
第一步 检查刺客
Step one - check for assassins.
安全
Clear!
第二步 铺一层软床
Step two - lay down a bed of down.
第三步 检查床上有没有藏♥人♥
And three - check that no-one is hidden inside.
第四步 铺好枕头 床单和毛毯
Step four - lay pillows, sheets and blankets,
还有一床奢华的貂皮铺盖
and a luxury ermine cover.
第五步 全体画十字
Step five - all make the sign of the cross.
第六步 全体亲吻御寝
Step six - all kiss the royal bed.
好的 可以了
Yes, all right, that's fine.
第七步 洒圣水
Step seven. Sprinkle with holy water.
天哪 我只是想睡觉
Goodness' sake! I just want to go to sleep.
这些玩意都是谁想出来的
Whose idea was all this nonsense?
是您 陛下
Yours, sire.
亨利八世确实有一张睡前必做事项清单
交出来吧
Just give it here.
快点做完这些
Whip through these.
第八步 呈上皇家夜壶
Step eight. Bring near the royal night stool.
第九步 摆上皇家便袍
Step nine. Lay out the royal dressing gown.
终于到了第十步
And finally, step ten.
建一座牢固的砖墙
Build a solid brick wall
这样我睡觉的时候 入侵者无法靠近
to prevent intruders getting anywhere near me as I sleep.
快点
Come on!
舒坦
Bliss.
亨利八世确实命人每晚都建一座砖墙
嘘
Shhh!
早上好陛下 请用早餐
Morning sire, breakfast!
滚开
Go away!
戴上了王冠 披上了绶带
Got my crown, I've got my sash,
但是要成为残酷的统治者 我真正需要的
but what I really need to be a Ruthless Ruler
是许多许多仆人
is a load of servants.
我可以先要打扫的仆人
I could do with the cleaners for a start.
我家和下水道似的
My home looks like a sewer.
注意 它就是下水道
Mind you, it is a sewer.
但对仆人来说
But cleaning and making the beds
打扫和铺床不是最糟糕的事
aren't the worst jobs for a servant.
根本还差得远呢
They're not even close.
1686年 伦敦 汉普敦宫
本日餐食 变质的面包
糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories
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