副总统（2012）

suggestions for an unnamed White House aide.
建议一...
Suggestion number one...
老二形状的蛋糕
A cake in the shape of a dick.
建议二...
Suggestion number two... A smart new hat
老二形状的新帽子 噢 这一条被发掘了!
- in the shape of a dick. - Oh, that made it in there!
所有人都知道这是我
Everybody knows this is me, guys.
所有人? 真的么? 是的 所有人
- Oh, everybody? Really? - Yes, everybody.
白宫可是有3000位工作人员啊 Jonah
There are 3,000 people on the White House payroll, Jonah.
可谁是副总统联络官呢 Amy?
Who's the VP liaison, Amy?
我去咖啡店的时候 我去开会的时候
I'm going into coffee shops, I'm going into meetings,
人们看着我就会互相耳语
and people are looking at me and whispering.
他们耳语的内容就是老二蛋糕!
And they are whispering Dick Cake.
我是西翼之Jonah
West Wing, Jonah.
不是 DC是谁?
No, who is DC?
呃 老二蛋糕
Uh, Dick Cake.
我勒个大艹 是Ryan吗?
Oh, for fuck's sake. Is this Ryan?
噢 不 不 不! 怎么了?
- Oh, no, no, no! - What?
每次Ted来过夜的的记录都被挖出来了
Every time Ted stayed overnight at the residence
Ted肯定会喜欢的
- has been fully disclosed. - Oh, Ted's gonna love that.
有一些博客把Ted的过夜记录 和怀孕传言联♥系♥起来了
Some of the bloggers are linking Ted's overnighters to the pregnancy rumors.
什么? 不是吧
What? Oh, come on.
Mike 你能让我没怀过孕么?
Mike, can't you make me not have been pregnant?
天哪! 看见了吧?
- God! - You see?
这就是说出真♥相♥的代价 完全没有好处
This is what happens when you tell the truth. Nothing good comes of it.
好了 我给你来一杯玫瑰茶
Okay, I'm gonna get you a cup of rose hip tea.
路透社的Keith报道了特勤处的事 现在曝光了
Keith at Reuters says secret service story, it's out there.
现在? 是的
Right now? - Yeah.
看起来副总统办公室因为
It seems the veep's office has compounded the problem
侮辱当事人为猩猩而把问题搞得更严重了
by insulting the man and calling him an ape.
谁应该对这个疯狂的事件负责呢?
Who's responsible for this deranged campaign?
是新闻官Mike McLintock?
Mike McLintock, press officer?
是幕僚长Amy Brookheimer 还是Selina Meyer本人呢?
Chief of staff Amy Brookheimer, or Selina Meyer herself?
当然了 她对此负有终极责任
Of course, she bears ultimate responsibility.
总统不会喜欢这个的
Potus will not like this.
这肯定会让总统那边崩溃的
This is gonna cause a total potal meltdown.
好了 把他弄出去 Dan
All right, get him out of here, Dan.
你怎么不跑过去看看你能不能嘬你自己的蛋糕呢?
Yeah, why don't you run along and see if you can suck your own cake?
这个段子有内涵 Dan
Oh, that's clever, Dan.
是你说的么 Mike?
Did you say those things, Mike?
表现太好了 大文豪 真的
Ace play, Shakespeare. Really.
你居然骂一个老兵叫猩猩
When in doubt, call a vet an ape.
你到底是走了什么后门才得到这份工作的啊?
Remind me, who did you blackmail to get this job?
好了 现在马上进办公室
All right, you know what? Let's get in my office right now.
您的茶就快好了 谢谢
your tea is almost ready. - Thank you.
又一次了 我们见证了这个办公室
Yet again we find ourselves in an office
有多他妈无能
that is completely non-fucking-functioning.
现在我们要怎么办
So what are we gonna do?
没错 我们要炒个人
Exactly. We are gonna fire someone.
很好 你们有更好的主意吗
That's right. Does anybody have a better idea?
那...
All right, so...
炒谁呢
Who is it gonna be, huh?
Sue 噢 Sue
- Sue. - Oh, Sue.
真好笑
That's funny, you guys.
不过说实话 Sue还不够重要
But seriously, Sue's not important enough.
那谁重要呢
Who is?
哦 我知道了
Oh, I know.
你们三个就挺重要的
You three are important enough.
女士 我承诺会尽我所能
Ma'am, I just want to say I promise to do everything I can
来修补Amy漏洞层出的政策
to fix Amy's botched full disclosure policy
和Mike的信口开河
and Mike's security blunder.
嘿 拍马屁是修补不了嗝儿屁的 Dan
Hey, suck-up isn't gonna fix a fuck-up, Dan.
知道吗 你没有豁免权
All right? You're not exempt.
Gary 嗯?
Gary. - Hmm?
我要找一个非常隐秘的地方
I need some sort of a discreet place
跟Ted见个面
where I can have a rendezvous with Ted, please.
不能有人打扰 好的 女士
- Where nobody goes. - Yes, ma'am.
谢谢 好了
Thank you. All right.
你们现在可以出去了
You may leave my office now.
关门吗 当然关
- Shut? - Of course shut!
哦 天呐
Oh, lord.
哦 你有没有放一点儿...
Ooh, did you put a dash of...
蜂蜜在玫瑰果里 放了 女士
Honey in the rose hip? Yes, ma'am.
我还放了块Fig Newton在旁边 (饼干品牌)
I put a little Fig Newton there for you as well.
噢 太棒了 Gary 是
- Oh, outstanding, Gary. - Yeah.
干嘛 好吧 对于造成的不便我很抱歉
What? Okay, I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
我明白
another one. - I understand.
新闻界追得我屁滚尿流 哦 那挺好
- Press is up my ass. - Oh, so, okay, great.
现在你能感受到我有多苦逼了
Then you know exactly what my world is like.
你放屁 我又没有个Mike Amy或他妈的Dan在身边
No, bullshit. I don't have a Mike, an Amy, or fucking Dan.
你想要他们吗 那就拿走
Oh, do you want them? You can have them.
我他妈现在就能把他们仨打包送你 只要你想要
I'll give you a fucking deal on all three of them, too, if you want.
你的待人之道可真好
That's a nice way to treat people.
这是我现在的真实感觉 水来了
- Well, that's how I feel. - Here we go.
你不用这么烦躁
You don't have to be snarky about this.
我♥操♥你妈
Oh, my fucking lord!
你真的要冷静 好吧
You really need to calm down, okay?
你要尊重Gary的东西
You need to respect Gary's stuff here.
对不起 Gary 没关系
- Sorry, Gary. - That's okay.
我他妈这是私人生活
Look, this is my fucking private life.
我知道 我以为我是私底下干♥你♥的
- No, I know. - I thought I was fucking you in private.
Ted 不要这样 我喜欢私底下干♥你♥
Ted, come on. I love to fuck you in private.
嘿 听着 谢谢你给我回电♥话♥
Hey, you know what? Thanks for returning my call.
我能给的消息就是 请你♥他♥妈♥别再打老子电♥话♥了
The message was, please don't fucking call me again.
所以你干嘛不带上你的鸟嘴
So why don't you just take your beak and shove it up
找个死尸的屁♥股♥塞进去 干♥你♥娘♥的
some corpse's ass, okay, you vulture motherfucker?
不会是记者吧 是
Was that a journalist? - Yes.
我的老天爷啊 怎么了
- Oh, God! - What?
你这是干嘛 Ted 你不能让他去干♥他♥娘
What are you doing, Ted? You can't tell him to fuck his mother.
实际上 是她娘 有什么区别
- Her mother, actually. - What the hell?
她们... 拜托 动点脑子
- They... - Come on, use your head.
你这是在使事情恶化 冷静点
You're just making it worse. Get yourself together.
Selina 我要去透气
Selina, I need some air.
我们待会要谈谈
And we need to talk.
呃 Gary?
Uh, Gary?
是的 女士
Yes, ma'am?
我要走了 好的 好的
- I'm gonna go. - Okay. Okay.
我要你留在这儿 好的
I want you to stay here. - Okay.
我要你跟Ted做个了结
I need you to end it with Ted.
好的 什么 是的 我要你让他走
- Okay. What? - Yeah, I want you to let him go.
但你要做得很感性
But you need to do it very sensitively.
确定不会有任何影响
And just make sure there aren't any repercussions
或者之类的东西出现 知道吗
or anything like that, okay?
呃 恕我直言 女士
Um, with all due respect, ma'am,
如果你去说会不会好一点
wouldn't it be better if it came from you?
嗯 不会 不行吗
- Mmm, uh-uh. - No?
不行 因为我不能再冒险跟他谈了
No, because I can't run the risk of talking to him again
我觉得他会要甩掉我
because I think that he is about to dump me.
所以我不想被别人甩
So I'm not gonna be the dumpee.
我要甩别人
I'm gonna be the dumper.
好吧 他才是被甩的那个
Okay? He's gonna be the dumpee.
所以 要你来做 好吧
So, you've got to go do that.
好的
Okay.
好的 好的
Okay. Okay.
噢 你房♥子真不错
Oh, um, your house is so nice.
谢谢 非常感谢
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.
您这样说真贴心
It's really sweet for you to say that.
好
Okay.
她还是会生气的 对不对 是
- She can go off, can't she? - Yeah.
刚才对不起了 没关系
- Yeah, sorry about that. - That's okay.
没关系
That's okay.
也许这也算件好事