副总统（2012）

今晚的募捐活动
that does actually take place this evening.
我会打电♥话♥
I will make a call.
谢谢
Thank you.
而且我希望你对我说话时注意声调
And I'd like you to watch your tone with me.
我会注意的 - 好
I will watch my tone. - Yeah.
Mike 你也要去 好吧
And, Mike, you need to be there, too, okay?
今晚不能回家遛狗
So no going home to walk your dog.
轮不到你对我说教 见鬼的天才小医生
Uh, don't tell me what to do, Doogie Fucking Howser.
我听不懂你说什么
I don't know what that means.
还有那个左脚什么 - 那电影不错
or your left foot thing. - Great movie.
好 我要回白宫了
Okay, well, I'm going to go back to the White House.
听到这两个字我就硬了
That address makes me hard.
吻你 想你
Kiss you, miss you.
嘿 Mike
Hey, Mike.
你觉得失误是什么
What would you say were the two
在我们竞选中的两大失误
biggest campaign mistakes that we made?
你老是一脸衰相 还有那帽子
You looked tired a lot and the hat.
我喜欢那帽子 你乱说什么
I liked the hat. What are you talking about?
我们因为帽子吃亏了
The hat hurt us.
那帽子让你头型变得很奇怪 就这些
Your head looked weird in the hat, that's all I'm gonna say.
那好...
Okay...
你觉得Dan怎样
What do you think of Dan?
噢 Dan就是坨屎
Oh, Dan is a shit.
你要不要具体一点
You want to expand on that?
可以 他是坨又大又纯的屎
Sure. He's a massive and total shit.
你第一眼看他的时候会想这个人肯定
When you first meet him, you think surely to God
不会像他外表一样衰
this man can't be as big a shit as he seems,
但实际他就是衰
but he is.
其实 我... - 因为 就像这里有本书
- See, I... - 'Cause like if there were a book
封面是屎做的 你会想 真有趣
with covers made of shit, you'd think, That's intriguing.
什么书会让人想到
I wonder what's in this book that they saw fit
用纯屎做封面
to give it covers made of pure shit.
然后你翻开它发现... 是屎
And then you open it and... shit.
非常感谢
Thank you so much. Yes.
你好吗 我看到你了 也看到你了
How are you? I see you. I see you.
Clements参议员在那儿 你得去跟她聊聊
There's congresswoman Clements, you should speak with her.
她有点小胡子 会分散注意
She's got a small mustache. It's a little disturbing.
不要盯着看 知道吗 - 嗯
- Don't stare at it, okay? - Oh. Mm-hmm.
领奖台太高了
The podium is definitely too high.
垫一下 Gary 帮我垫个什么 - 噢 好 好
- Box me, Gary. Box me. - Oh, yeah, yeah.
这里用什么餐具 玉米淀粉的还是塑料的
What is the utensil situation? Is it Cornstarch or plastic here?
离它们远点 餐具有政♥治♥意义了
Stay away from both. The utensils are politicized.
你可以拿芹菜铲吃的
You could use celery as a kind of shovel.
你居然跟老板女儿谈恋爱
I cannot believe you are dating your boss's daughter.
她风趣又性感 还能辅助我的事业
She's fun, she's sexy. She can advance my career.
我很喜欢她 - 那才是真♥相♥
- I really like her. - That's the one.
她很好 - 那才是真♥相♥
- She's great. - That's the one.
我们要探讨下副总统发言内容 好吧
We need to talk about the V.P.'S speech, okay?
什么 - 我能...
What? - Can I just...
别他妈抢我东西 - 谢谢
- Don't grab my shit. - Thank you.
白宫方面说我们要草拟绝大部分 明白吗
White House says we need to majorly redact this, okay?
我来草拟你的驴脸
I'll redact your fucking face.
白宫不希望明天报纸上
The White House does not want anything
出现石油 知道吧
in the papers tomorrow about oil, okay?
什么 - 或者塑料
What? - or plastics.
不能提玉米淀粉 - 她本来就是主管绿色产业的
Nothing about Cornstarch. - Her whole position is green jobs.
又不是我要这样 做就对了
Is doesn't come from me, okay, so just do it.
你乐在其中 乐在其中
You love this. You love this.
我也没想否认没有乐在其中
I'm not gonna say I don't enjoy it.
女士们先生们 今晚
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to welcome you all
我要欢迎并感谢你们的到来
here tonight and thank you for coming.
嗨 Selina - 嘿
- Hi, Selina. - Hey.
演讲只改了一点点 - 改了哪儿
just a small change in The speech. - What is that?
塑料业显然已经找过总统了
Plastics apparently talked to the president.
白宫方面不想我们提到石油 玉米淀粉或者是塑料
The White House doesn't want us mentioning oil or Cornstarch or plastic.
略过就可以了
Just wing it.
全部被铅笔干了一遍吗
This has been pencil-fucked completely?
呃 对 前后夹攻 几乎没前戏
Uh, yes, front and back. Very little romance.
几乎划完了 好吧
That's the entire speech, okay?
这里还剩什么
What's left here? I've got hello
我还有大家好 和... 介词
and I have... Preposions.
你可以谈下你的船
Well, you could talk about your boat.
或者类似的 - 也好 说下那艘船
- Or something like that. - Sure, talk about the boat.
Gary 说真的 你能闭10秒钟嘴吗
Gary, seriously, can you just shut up for 10 seconds?
看不清你在写什么
Okay, now I can't read what you're writing.
放轻松 参议员投票改革是你的强项
Relax, you're really good at Senate vote reform.
说那个 就安全了
Hit that one. That's a home run.
那是你的门面
That's your Sergeant Pepper's.
还可以说高跟鞋笑话
We can also use my kitten heels gag.
行 那个好笑吗 - 不好笑
All right. is that funny? - No.
对他们足够了
It's funny enough for these people.
主要看动词 - 谢谢 我知道了
- Hit the verbs. - Thank you, I've got it.
没事 我做得到 我不...不知道那是什么
It's fine, I can do it. I can't... I don't know what that is.
让我们欢迎副总统Selina Meyer
Please welcome Vice President Selina Meyer.
一举夺钱 - 没多少的
- Go for the money. - It's just pennies.
Hey.
Hi. Oh!
女士们先生们 尊贵的来宾们
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests,
相信你们已经知晓
as I'm sure you're aware,
今晚由我履行总统的职责
I have stepped into the president's shoes this evening,
还有...
and, uh...
谁能想到他还穿矮跟呢
Who knew he wore kitten heels?
当然不♥穿♥
Selina: No, he of course doesn't.
他更像是那种穿恨天高的人
He's more of a stilettos kind of guy.
Um...
言归正传
All kidding aside,
今晚有人提醒了我
I am reminded tonight
已故参议员David Reeves
of the late senator David Reeves.
他死了
He died.
他现在死了
He's... he's dead now.
我记得亲爱的David
And I remember dear David
与我和总统谈过
talking to the president and myself
就一项单独的法案
about the absurdity of allowing
进行多重阻挠的荒谬
multiple filibusters on a single bill.
还有...
And...
政♥治♥无外乎人♥民♥
Politics is about people.
无外乎人♥民♥
It's about people.
你们会在推特上谈这些事吗
Uh... - is your guy gonna be tweeting about this?
这么说吧 Sam
Okay, well, let me put it this way, Sam,
那个人已经付不了他的Iphone合约了
that guy is no longer in a position to pay his iPhone contract.
那是因为Mike McClintock 把他扔进了波托马克河
That's because Mike McClintock there threw him into the Potomac River.
天啊 看样子因为那条玉米淀粉推特
Oh, boy. It seems with that Cornstarch tweet,
我们被自己的拖沓给害了
we were hoist by our own retard.
接下来...
Uh, so...
我知道 我知道 我知道我说的是什么
I know. I know. I know what I said.
用了拖沓这个词
It's the use of the word retard.
不是 - 但这是个笑话 是个笑话
- It's just not... - But it was joke. It was joke.
然后世界就安静了
And then everything went silent.
请允许我说句话 我觉得你有必要尽快就此事道歉
If I could, I think it would behoove you to make an apology
我可以给你办公室找一个
as soon as possible, in which case I can get someone in your office
适当的心理健康慈善机构的人...
from an appropriate mental health charity...
这个漂亮的小伙子是谁 这个漂亮的小伙子是谁
Who the fuck is pretty boy? Who the fuck is pretty boy?
明天会上报纸的
Look, it's going to be in the papers tomorrow.
没有必要 没必要大惊小怪的
Not necessarily. Let's not make it the story and panic, okay?
如果Tom Hanks死了呢 - 什么
What if Tom Hanks dies? - What?
想法真阴暗啊 - 我可不希望如此
- What a dark thought. - I'm not wishing that.
我是说什么事都有可能发生 Tom Hanks死了
I'm saying anything could happen... Tom Hanks could die,
在洛杉矶发生森林大火
there could be a forest fire in L.A.
你是怎么得到这份工作的 你真的想把你的公♥关♥策略定位在
How did you get this job? You really want to base your press strategy
找出Tom Hanks什么时候会...
based on trying to figure out when Tom Hanks is gonna...
有人是要来搞笑吗 - 看样子是
- Did someone order a dick-o-gram here? - Amy: Yes, seemingly.
我们能不在贮藏室里运筹帷幄吗