小镇滋味

如果你们想卖♥♥♥房♥♥子 这俩是最棒的
If you guys want to sell your home, these two are the best.
天啊 天啊 老天爷啊
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
你还好吗 她伤到你了吗
Are you okay? Did she hurt you?
-妈 我没事 -你们不知道吗
- Mom, I'm fine. - You didn't know?
妈妈 范曼医生说了未经过我允许
Mom, Dr. Fineman says you shouldn't squeeze my face anymore
你不该再揉我的脸了
without my permission.
-爸 -他确实这么说过 亲爱的
- Dad! - He did say that, sweetie.
看来我们触发了一个关于健康的讨论
Well, sounds like we've triggered a healthy discussion,
那我们这就走了
so we're gonna scoot.
学校为什么没给我们打电♥话♥
Why didn't the school call us?
因为没有证据
Because there wasn't any proof.
但作为积极主动的家长
But as proactive parents,
我们觉得必须让我们女儿来道个歉
we felt compelled to have our daughter come and apologize,
我想我们都认同这个歉已经道完了
which I think we can all agree has been done.
现在有证据了 不是吗
Well, now there is proof, isn't there?
我没听明白 但我们得走了
I'm not following, and we have to scoot.
你们刚刚承认了 你们女儿攻击了我们儿子
You just admitted it. Your daughter assaulted our son.
我们会告知诺瓦克校长 把她给开除了
And we're going to notify Principal Novak and have her expelled.
这真是太棒了
Oh, this is delicious.
你俩过来这里
You two came over here
告诉了我们一件我们本来永远也不会知道的事
and told us something we never would have known.
现在我们要好好利用这点 整死你们
And now we're going to strap it on and fuck you with it.
上啊 老妈
Go, Mom!
你们女儿不能从高中毕业了
Your daughter is not going to graduate high school,
太讽刺了 因为你们两个是智障
which is ironic because you two are the idiots.
我把我的脚
How would you like it if I put my foot
放进你那完美的小屁♥股♥里
so far up your perfect little ass,
你要一直等到
you won't find it again
圣诞节早上把它拉出来才能找到 怎么样
until you shit it out on Christmas morning?
上啊 妈
Go, Mom!
亲爱的 还记得我们为什么来这吗
Honey, remember why we're here--
让艾比回归正轨
trying to keep Abby on the right path.
我们别再做范曼医生不允许的事了
Let's not touch anyone in a way Dr. Fineman wouldn't approve of.
希拉 你的安全词是哪个
Sheila, what is your safe word?
因为调♥教♥你的时候
Because I want to know what to ignore
我想知道该屏蔽你哪些话
when I'm making you my bitch.
算你们走运 我是来给我女儿做榜样的
You're just lucky that I'm here to set an example for my daughter
不然我肯定会把你内脏翻出来
because otherwise, I would literally turn you inside out.
深呼吸 我们都是房♥产金鸡人
Look, let's take a breath. We're all "Realators" here.
我们是房♥产经纪人 没听过房♥产金鸡人
Actually, we're "Realtors." We don't know what a "Real-ator" Is.
克里斯 去死吧
You know what, Chris? Fuck you.
这样怎么样
How about this?
我们不跟诺瓦克校长打小报告让艾比被开除
We won't tell Principal Novak what Abby did and get her expelled
只要你们把那个用小狗花招偷走的客户还给我们
if you give us the listing you stole from us with that dog stunt.
你别做梦了
You are never gonna get that listing.
我们没偷 我们是赢过来的
And we didn't steal it. We won it.
高中那会 你♥爸♥酒驾撞翻了一辆车
In high school, your dad drove drunk and flipped a car.
你们今晚五点前给答复
You have until 5:00 tonight to decide.
这是我们的"最优♥惠♥&最终报价"
That is our best and final offer.
这是"房♥产经纪人"常用语
Oh, that's an expression "Realtors" use,
你们可能不熟悉
so you may not be familiar with it.
克里斯蒂安 你知道你妈曾卖♥♥过安♥眠♥酮♥给我吗
Christian, did you know that your mom sold me a Quaalude once?
这很好地解释了
Well, I think this has shown us
为什么你们有这么闹心的孩子了
why everyone here has such fucked-up kids.
我们可以走了吗
Shall we scoot?
这些人真讨厌 太无♥耻♥了
I hate these people. They're so mean.
还有这房♥子 在圣克拉丽塔修湿物储存室
And this house. A mudroom in Santa Clarita?
一年才下两回雨 蠢蛋
It rains twice a year. Fools.
我们不能让他们得逞
We cannot let them win this.
格蕾丝·汀斯勒被开除后在家学习
Grace Tinsler got expelled, and now she's homeschooled
现在YouTube上都有二十万粉丝了
and has 200,000 YouTube followers.
她不过是默念麦片盒上的营养成分
And all she does is whisper ingredients from cereal boxes.
你不会被开除的
You're not getting expelled.
你也不会... 你说她干嘛来着
And you're not-- what'd you say she does?
对着镜头念营养成分
She whispers ingredients into a camera.
这是个与性无关的癖好 还把父母房♥贷还了
It's a non-sexual fetish thing. It pays her parents' mortgage.
如果都能还房♥贷 那肯定和性有关
If it pays her parents' mortgage, it's a sex thing.
要不我们把客户还给他们吧
Maybe we should give them the listing.
不 我们不能没了那笔佣金
No. We can't lose that commission.
即使我们给了他们
And even if we give them what they want,
你怎么知道他们不会再来勒索呢
what's to keep them from blackmailing us again?
他们可能会想要其他客户
They may want our next listing.
完了还想要 然后他们就吃定我们了
And then the one after that. And then they'll own us.
没错 就像丹 可能更狠
That's true. Like Dan. Maybe even worse.
他想让我们帮他杀人
He wanted us to kill for him.
但好的是他从没这么露骨地谈过我们的身体
But to his credit, he never spoke so explicitly about our bodies.
这些人真该去大城市
Yeah, these people really belong in a bigger city.
好 我们得抢先一步
Okay, we need to get ahead of this.
我们得在他们之前找到诺瓦克
We need to get to Novak before they do.
艾比道个歉 装得很内疚的样子
And then Abby can apologize and show some remorse.
我一点也不内疚
I'm not sorry.
装内疚 好吗
Show some remorse, all right?
他可能会对你从轻处理 不把你开除
You might get a slap on the wrist and not expelled.
人们认罪想要
It's what people do
从轻判罚的时候都这么干
when they plead guilty to get a lesser sentence.
杀人犯总是这么做 我查过了
Murderers do it all the time. I've been looking into it.
我觉得就这么出现在他家不是个好主意
I don't think it's a great idea to just show up at his house.
上次我们去
The last time we dropped by,
我们把他家弄得一团糟 还袭击了他奶奶
we trashed it and assaulted his grandmother.
他可能还记得
He might remember that.
-你有更好的办法吗 -是的
- You have a better idea? - Yeah.
更好的 没有
Oh, better? No.
你在干什么
What the hell are you doing?
这里不是洗手间啊
This isn't the bathroom.
诺瓦克最好快点回家
Novak better get home soon.
我们一个小时后要和那个投资人会面
We have that investor meeting in an hour.
投资人会议 听起来很重要的样子
Investor meeting. Sounds important.
而且车里温度有60度
Plus, it's 140 degrees in here,
所以我们还是去吃点东西吧
so let's bail and get food.
也许吃个玉米热狗
Maybe a corn dog.
我已经不想吃那个了 现在我想吃甜点
That moment's passed. Now I want sweets.
不 我们要在这里待到他回来
No, we are staying here until he gets home
然后你就可以告诉他你对你的行为感到抱歉
and you can say you're sorry for what you did.
-我并不感到抱歉 -我们不在乎
- I'm not sorry. - We don't care.
你需要告诉他你很抱歉
You need to tell him that you are.
是啊 因为你们不想让克里斯和克里斯塔赢
Yeah, 'cause you don't want Chris and Christa to win.
因为我们现在压力很大
Because we are overwhelmed
我们不知道我们家还能不能撑过去
and we don't know if our family is going to make it!
对不起 但你总是说
I'm sorry, but you always say
你想融入我们的世界
you want to be included in our world.
那就是我们的世界
That's our world.
最近真的很艰难 宝贝
It's been really hard lately, sweetie.
每天都会有新的问题出现
Every day something new is thrown at us.
昨天我把我的手指咬了下来
Yesterday, I bit my finger off.
什么
What?
没事的 好多了 我就像雪人一样
It's okay, it's getting better. I'm like a snowman.
-什么 -一年前 失去一根指头
- What? - A year ago, losing a finger
会成为《圣诞简讯》的头条
would've been the headline of the Christmas newsletter.
现在连"形形色♥色♥"版块都上不了
Now it wouldn't even be in the "This 'n' That" Section.
你用托盘砸了一个人的脸
And you hit someone in the face with a tray
你可能会被开除
and might get expelled,
所以我们觉得我们是失败的父母
so we feel like we're failing you as parents.
你说我们可能撑不过去是什么意思
What do you mean we might not make it?
你妈妈和我
Your mother and I will
会尽一切办法维系我们家
always do everything to keep this family going.
但是现在 我们真的很需要你的帮忙
But right now, we could really use your help.
他回来了
He's home.
诺瓦克校长
Principal Novak!
天啊 三个都来了
Oh, God. It's all three of them.
我们只是想和你谈谈
We just want to talk to you.