美式主妇

American Housewife S01E08

Part 1 Dec. 10, 2019, 3:44 p.m.

你们今天过得怎么样
What's going on in your lives today?
把一切都告诉我
Tell me everything.
别漏掉劲爆的部分
And don't skip the juicy parts.
最好别有劲爆的部分
There better not be juicy parts.
-我和小鹿交了朋友 -什么
- I'm friends with a fawn. - A what?
我的小鹿
My baby deer --
我今早告诉你了记得吗
I told you about her this morning, remember?
你一直说啊哈宝贝啊哈宝贝
You kept saying, "Uh-huh, honey. Uh-huh, honey."
啊哈宝贝
Uh-huh, honey.
奥利弗泰勒你们有什么事
Oliver, Taylor, what is going on in your lives?
-零 -没
- Zero. - Nada.
笨蛋把手♥机♥放下不准拿出来
All right, dummies, put your phones down and keep them down.
你们知道我能在司机位锁喉吧
You know I can do a choke hold from the driver's seat.
孩子们
Hi, guys!
你们过得怎么样
What is going on in your lives?
-一样 -没事
- Same old. - Nothing.
你们什么都不说我怎么知道和什么一样
It can't be "Same old" if you've never told me anything to begin with.
他们以前什么都告诉我
They used to tell me about everything,
自从在奇怪的地方开始长毛后
but just when they started growing hair in weird places,
就什么都不说了
they clammed up.
随便谁跟我说说什么都行
Somebody tell me something about anything!
-鹿很会游泳 -我不是说你宝贝
- Deer are good swimmers. - Oh, I didn't mean you, baby.
你什么都告诉妈妈
You tell Mama everything --
包括没人想知道的擦粑粑细节
even wiping details nobody needs to know about.
美式主妇第一季第八集
我需要知道他们过得怎么样
I need to know what's going on in their lives,
否则有天我醒来
otherwise I'll wake up one day,
会发现我孩子是西港的毒品之王
and my kid is the crystal meth king of Westport.
就像苏西·潘塔的孩子一样
Oh, like Susie Penta's kid.
什么苏西·潘塔的孩子卖♥♥毒品吗
What? Susan Penta's kid was selling crystal meth?
这里真有这种事吗我只是随便说说
That actually happens here? I was just saying stuff.
我倒很乐意我的孩子变成毒贩
Oh, I'd love it if my kid became a meth dealer --
除了玩"我的世界"游戏外什么都行
do anything besides play "Minecraft."
从沙发上起来出去卖♥♥毒品
Get off the couch, go outside, and sell meth.
今天天气这么好
It's a beautiful day.
如果你想知道你孩子在做什么
Look, if you want to know what your kids are up to,
就通过手♥机♥看他们的短♥信♥
start running their texts through your phone.
-你俩都看孩子的短♥信♥吗 -当然
- You both read your kids' texts? - Absolutely.
现在就在看我孩子在参加
Reading them right now, and my kids are having
克里比奇牌比赛想知道
a cribbage tournament and want to know
谁带汽水
who's bringing the Mountain Dew.
呆子
Nerds.
对我养的是呆子
Yeah, I'm raising nerds.
给我手♥机♥装上这软件装上老师
Put that app on my phone. Make it so, sensei.
这不是亚洲专属这是说要教我
That wasn't an Asian thing. That was a "Teach me" thing.
如果我这样鞠躬
If I would have bowed like this,
这就是亚洲专属
it would have been an Asian thing.
我刚把这个弄成亚洲专属了
I just made it an Asian thing.
孩子们今天怎么样
So, kids, how was your day?
我给我的小鹿取名叫斑比然后想可以取得更好
I named my deer Bambi, then thought, "I can do better."
非常棒的分享
Excellent share.
继续奥利弗
Moving on. Oliver?
这不是答案
Not an answer.
我说具体点我们聊聊爱丽丝·麦卡锡
Now I'm gonna get specific. Let's talk Alice McCarthy.
-什么 -对
- What? - Yeah.
你和她的最新情况是什么
What's the latest on you and her?
根本最新什么也没有
There's no latest. There's no nothing.
要改天请她来吃晚饭吗
Should we invite her over for dinner sometime?
你疯了吗
Are you crazy?!
我是想帮你
I'm trying to help you out.
你是那种需要长♥期♥相处的男生
You're the kind of guy who needs to hang around a lot,
让女生放下防备趁她们最软弱时出击
wear girls down, and then when they're at their weakest, pounce.
管用
It works.
爱丽丝让我用我恶心多汗的手
"Ooh, Alice, let me hold your hand
牵你的手
with my gross, sweaty hand."
这不是我的错
It's not my fault.
我遗传了爸活跃的汗腺
I inherited Dad's hyperactive glands.
我们又热又多汗
We run hot and wet.
知道什么可以敲定你和爱丽丝的事吗
You know what really could seal the deal with you and Alice?
冰淇淋约会我的面包车后排
Ice-cream date, back seat of the minivan --
我在前面讲笑话衬托你的优点
I'm up front setting you up for jokes to make you look good.
我对这场景有身体上的反应
I'm having a physical reaction to this scenario.
你会让我起麻疹的
You're gonna give me hives.
这怪你妈我只遗传给你多汗和湿疹
Hives are on your mom. I'm about sweat and eczema.
那么泰勒
So, Taylor...
为什么苏菲告诉纳塔利你表现的和麦迪逊一样
Why did Sophie tell Natalie that you're acting like Madison?
-你怎么知道的 -你告诉我的
- How do you know that? - You told me.
我没有我什么都没告诉你
No, I didn't. I don't tell you anything.
我的天我就知道有天会这样
Oh, my God. I knew this would happen.
她在她的手♥机♥上看我们的短♥信♥
She's getting our texts on her phone.
你们妈妈永远不会这样侵犯你们的隐私
Your mother would never violate your privacy like that.
但我会的
Oh, but I would.
她当然会的
Of course she would.
如果他们不让我插手我就不能做个插手的母亲
I can't be an involved parent if they don't involve me.
我是你们的妈
I am your mother.
我要把你们的所有事搞清楚
I'm gonna be all up in your stuff
我可以分享我的智慧让你们老实做人
so I can share my wisdom and keep you both on the straight and narrow.
这不公平
That's not fair!
不公平的是在你们21岁前大脑还没完全长好
What's not fair is that your brains aren't fully formed until you're 21,
在那之前你们是我的责任
and you're my responsibility until then.
我摊上这个麻烦前没人告诉我
Nobody told me that when I got into this.
爸
Hey, Dad.
我告诉你一个秘密你不会说出去吧
I can trust you with a secret, right?
毕业你是个酷爹
I mean, you being the cool parent and all.
我没想到是这样没错
Yeah. I didn't realize -- Yeah.
我一直在上沙龙舞的课
Okay, well, I've been taking cotillion classes.
你在秘密学习良好的礼貌和礼节
So you're learning good manners and etiquette covertly.
这是个奇怪的秘密
It's a weird secret.
我的目的只是为了社交
I'm using it strictly for networking purposes.
结交时间最长的朋友会为你向证券交易委员会撒谎
Your oldest friends are the ones that lie to the S.E.C. for you.
我和朋友们以前总是骑单车跳石头
My friends and I used to ride bikes, skip stones.
有次我们从屋顶上扔了下西瓜
One time, we threw a watermelon off a roof --
闯了大祸
made a big mess.
可爱是这样的
Cute. So here's the deal --
正式舞会是课的一部分
There's a formal dance that's part of it,
我需要礼服
and I'm going to need a tux.
这是你妈妈负责的
That's really more of your mom's department.
必须得由你负责
Well, it's going to have to be yours.
-我不想让妈管这事 -为什么
- I'd rather not involve Mom. ?- Why?
如果晚餐还不够
If dinner wasn't enough,
需要我提醒你餐馆事件吗
need I remind you about the café incident?
奥利弗那是爱丽丝·麦卡锡
Oliver, there's Alice McCarthy.
她真可爱过去问好
She's so cute! Go say hi.
妈不
Mom, no.
给她一个蛋糕让她注意你
Let's send her a cake pop to get her attention.
她在看
Ooh, she's looking.
老天老天
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-不太好 -不好
- Not good. - No.
她只需要发现家长可以参加沙龙舞会
All she needs is to find out parents can come to cotillion.
那么蛋糕会飞向每个人
It's gonna be flying cake pops for everyone.
我只是需要有人在男人层面上理解这事
I just need someone who gets it on a guy level.
-我是男人我懂 -我知道
- I'm a guy. I get it. ?- I know.
所以你不会告诉她这件事对吗
So you won't tell her about any of this, right?
你妈和我之间没有秘密
Your mom and I don't keep secrets from each other --
之前有
not anymore.
看到这个疤痕了吗
See this scar here?
这是一次出了岔子的为她举办的惊喜派对
This was a surprise party for her that went awry.
好的
Okay.
我本以为这可以是
I just thought this could have been
我们父子情的决定性时刻
a defining bonding moment between us,
在我大学毕业典礼之后