美式主妇

American Housewife S01E01

Part 2 Dec. 10, 2019, 3:43 p.m.

What do you say, bitches?
第二顿早餐
Second breakfast?
好
Yes.
塞莱斯特根本不想怀孩子
Celeste never even wanted to carry a child.
为了我们我的生殖器牺牲了两次
I'm the one whose genitals took one for the team...twice.
现在她却跟我争
And yet, now she's fighting me
家里最后一瓶精♥液♥
for the last vial of our family sperm.
别再说我那苦逼的女同志离婚了
Enough about me and my bitter lesbian divorce.
我有事要说
Well, I've got some news.
帕姆把房♥子挂牌出♥售♥了
Pam just put her house on the market.
-胖帕姆吗 -有钱胖帕姆吗
- Fat Pam? - Rich Fat Pam?
她要搬到佛蒙特州去
She's moving to Vermont.
我将成为
And I'm going to be
西港第二胖的家庭主妇
the second-fattest housewife in Westport.
-不可能 -不会的
- Not possible. - No way.
好吧最胖的是埃芙琳
Okay, there's Evelyn. The biggest.
好在有她
Thank God for Evelyn.
再说一个这里比我胖的女人
Name another woman around here fatter than me.
我的天
Oh, my God.
凯蒂
Katie.
这里的女人都是怪人
The women around here are freaks.
你没什么不好的
There's nothing wrong with you.
你很美很了不起
You're beautiful and amazing.
她们只是...
And they're just totally giving --
那边的女人戴的是什么
What the hell is that woman over there wearing?
那是运动追踪器吗
Is that a Fitbit?
对是的
Uh, yeah. That's a Fitbit.
但她戴了两个
But she's wearing two of them.
是的一个手腕戴了一个
Yeah, she is. One on each wrist.
我真的没办法想到一个原因
I literally cannot conceive of a reason
为什么一个人需要戴两个运动追踪器
why a person would need to wear two Fitbits.
从什么时候开始我们这个年纪的女人
When did it become okay for women our age
除了节食就是健身
to do nothing but diet and work out?
那些该死的笨蛋就是这样做的
It's all those damn fools do.
太可笑了
It's completely absurd
完全是浪费女性的活力
and a total waste of feminine energy.
我深深地反对在所有层面上都反对
I object to it deeply and on every level.
所有层面
On every level.
你知道你是什么吗凯蒂
Do you know what you are, Katie?
你是革命者
You're a revolutionary.
全国一半女性都超过14码
Half the women in this country are over a size 14,
她们生来就缺乏自信
and they're made to feel bad about themselves.
是谁想到的三个孩子的妈妈
Who came up with the idea that a mother of three
应该有着19岁少女的屁♥股♥
should have an ass like a 19-year-old?
你的屁♥股♥可漂亮了凯蒂
Oh, you have a great ass, Katie.
你裤子里像有两个成熟的香瓜
Like a couple of ripe cantaloupes in your pants.
谢谢你我知道
Thank you. I know.
我告诉你们
I'll tell you one thing --
我不会进行愚蠢的节食
I'm not going on some stupid diet.
反正格雷格总是想和我做♥爱♥
Greg pretty much wants to have sex with me all the time anyway.
我没兴趣
I'm not really interested
再给他额外的刺♥激♥
in giving him any added incentives.
午夜吃饱后做♥爱♥
Sex on a full stomach after midnight
而且我没兴趣
against my will?
我看《灵书妙探》时你得坐在旁边
You have to sit next to me while I watch "Castle"
让我谈论男主角的头发
and let me talk about Nathan Fillion's hair.
我跟你说了这样让我不自信
I told you that makes me feel self-conscious.
他的头发好有光泽
His hair is so lustrous.
我们要看两集
Oh, we're talking two full episodes
如果我不让你戴眼罩的话
if I don't make you wear the sleeping mask.
你知道我喜欢你的样子
You know I love the way you look.
我吃了些奇怪的东西
I ate something weird.
你摸起来不同
You -- You feel different.
怎么不同
Different how?
就像
Like a, uh...
一袋新面粉
brand-new bag of flour.
是我的塑身衣
It's my Spanx.
那就脱掉
Oh, let's just get those off of you, then.
这样脱不掉和文胸是一起的
That's not gonna work. They're hooked to my bra.
为什么
Why?
如果戴得对肚子肉变咪♥咪♥
Well, if you do it right, it turns gut into boob.
-看起来真不错 -当然
- Well, they do look good. - Well, they should.
三分之一是肚子肉
They're 1/3 gut.
我感觉好极了
I feel good.
我也是
Me, too.
我一直觉得有点小恶心但不难受
I always feel a tiny bit sick, but not in a bad way.
你的上衣穿反了吗
Is your top on backwards?
是的
Yeah.
泰勒
Taylor,
告诉你弟弟去年食物捐赠你做得有多好
tell your brother how well you did with the food drive last year.
我做得棒极了
I did very well.
我不相信什么赠与的鬼话
I don't believe in giving hand-outs.
这种定期发放免费赠品
This constant doling out of freebies
违反了我的原则
violates my principles,
也让这个国家分崩离析
and it's tearing this country apart.
我不喜欢妈一点也不喜欢
I don't like it, Mom. I don't like it one bit.
我怀你时
They told me to stop
他们让我别再吃软干酪
eating soft cheeses while I was pregnant with you,
但我没听
but I didn't listen.
看看下场
And this is what happens.
这样对孩子说话很奇怪
I think that's a weird thing to say to a child.
听我说奥利弗
Listen to me, Oliver.
明天给食物捐赠拿些罐头去
Bring in some damn cans of food for the food drive tomorrow,
这是命令
and that is a direct order.
好的
Okay, fine.
但你不应该关心你需要关心的那个孩子吗
But shouldn't you be focusing on your kids who needs focusing?
今天在学校怎么样安娜凯特
How's school, Anna-Kat?
我一个朋友也没有
Well, I don't have any friends.
你当然有朋友了亲爱的
Of course you have friends, sweetie.
今天没有因为玩配对抓人游戏时我不愿意牵手
Today it was because I wouldn't hold hands in partner tag.
你为什么不愿意牵手
Why didn't you hold hands in partner tag?
因为我不想染上别人的无形的细菌
Because I don't want to catch people's invisible germs.
什么你说什么呢
What? What are you talking about?
这样会生病
That's how you get sick.
-生病不是因为这个 -是的
- That is not how you get sick. - Pretty sure it is.
对
Right.
细菌是编造的谎言
Germs are made up.
所有人都疯了
Everyone's crazy.
那么
So...
我想到了一些办法
I came up with a few ways
阻止胖帕姆搬家
to stop Fat Pam from leaving town.
房♥子卖♥♥不出去她就走不了对吗
If she can't sell her house, she can't move, right?
不会错
Oh, this can't miss.
第一下掉三个车轮胎
Number 1 -- remove three tires from car
-停在草坪上 -下一个
- and park on lawn. - Next.
引入小阿飞
Take in Urban Youth
或是看起来像恐♥怖♥分♥子♥的人
or people who just seem terrorist-y.
不
No.
学那些"末日快来啦"的人
We become "The end is near" People.
那些人说"末日快来啦"
You know those people, "End is near!"
我不会这样做的
I'm not gonna do that.
两个字卫生棉条风铃
Two words -- tampon wind chime.
好吧
Okay.
在院子里放两只猪
Put two hogs in yard.
你真写在纸上了吗
Did you actually write that on the paper?
我在旁边画了个星
And I put a star next to it.
格雷格
Greg.
我知道你觉得我是疯了
I know you think that I'm acting crazy,
但有埃芙琳帕姆
but there's Evelyn, there's Pam,
然后才是我
and then there's me.
帕姆一走我的名次又上升一位