美式主妇

American Housewife S01E02

Part 1 Dec. 10, 2019, 3:43 p.m.

妈妈
Mom. Mom.
醒醒我想我发心脏病了
Wake up. I think I'm having a heart attack.
你没有发心脏病
You're not having a heart attack.
我心跳加速浑身大汗
My chest is pounding, and I'm slick from sweat --
这是典型的冠心病症状
classic coronary event symptoms.
我在股市社团做了笔赔钱交易
I made a bad trade in my stock market club.
所以银行家才会在40岁就英年早逝
This is why bankers die at 40.
所以你28年后才会第一次发心脏病
So you have 28 years until your first heart attack.
快去睡吧
Go rest up for it.
妈妈
Mama.
宝贝有什么事
Sweetie, what's the matter?
我又做梦了
I had my dream again.
我在泰坦尼克号♥上就像电影里一样
I was on the Titanic, just like in the movie,
但我在那对老爷爷老奶奶的床上
but I was in bed with the old couple.
上来
Get in here.
妈我去跑步了
Mom, I'm going for a run.
泰勒
Taylor...
现在是早上5点半
It's 5:30 in the morning!
已经6点25了
It's 6:25.
你又看错时针分针了
You mixed up the big hand and the little hand again.
我房♥间太黑了
'Cause it's dark in my room!
那是因为才5点半
Because it's 5:30!
给我买♥♥个数字钟吧
Just buy me a digital clock already!
他怎么能一直睡得这么香
How did he sleep through all this?
我要杀了他
I'm gonna kill him!
那我就得自己搞定那些小动物了
But then I'd have to take care of these animals by myself.
见鬼让格雷格继续活吧
Damn it! Greg lives!
美式主妇第一季第二集
你不必给肚子擦上洗手液
You don't need to Purell your belly.
我的小洁癖
Oh, my little germaphobe.
现在她就是一瓶行走的洗手液
At this point, she's more Purell than girl.
史酷比你对股市社团的事
Yo, Scooby, your stock market club
太过认真了
is getting a little too serious.
不准再在大半夜吵醒我
No more waking me up in the middle of the night
假装心脏病发
with fake symptoms of a fake heart attack.
我也没办法妈
Can't help it, Mom.
这种紧张强度才能让我发财
It's this type of intensity that's gonna make me rich --
这样我能买♥♥得起成套的盘子
so I can afford things like matching plates.
第一套公♥寓♥的红龙虾餐厅顺走的
First apartment. Red Lobster.
妈这是篮球的家长签字书
Mom, I need you to sign this permission slip for basketball,
还有修改的足球时间表
and here's my revised soccer schedule.
要知道如果你在学习上也花这么多时间
You know, if you spent as much time on schoolwork
就像你对待体育一样你可以做毕业演讲致辞人
as you did on sports, you'd be valedictorian.
我可以向你保证这不可能
I can guarantee you that's not true.
感觉太棒了整整9小时睡眠
I feel great -- a full nine hours.
谁要麦片
Who wants Kashi?
彼得·弗尔顿给你发邮件了吗
Peter Felton sent you an e-mail?
我原来的职位又空出来了
My old job has opened up again.
他在聘用别人前
Before he hires someone else,
想知道我是否有兴趣
he wants to know if I'm interested.
有
Yes!
你有兴趣的对吗没有吗
I mean, you are, aren't you? No?
除非你想你想吗
Only if you want to. Do you?
你来发言吧
Why don't you take the floor on this?
格雷格你知道如果我工作了我们就得请人
Greg, you realize if I worked, we would have to hire someone
打扫房♥子照顾孩子
to clean the house and watch the kids,
所以剩的钱只有这么多了
so there'd only be, like, this much extra money.
我们不用请人来打扫房♥子
No, we wouldn't have to hire someone to clean the house.
你可以周六打扫
You could do it on Saturdays.
当我没说
I retract that -- obviously.
我会考虑的
I'll think about it.
他要我今天给他回复
He wants to know by the end of the day.
你可以开车送泰勒今天下午去踢足球吗
Can you drive Taylor to soccer this afternoon?
我也想但我得去大学做演讲
Oh, I'd love to, but I have to go to campus to give a lecture.
泰勒奥利弗上车
Taylor! Oliver! In the car!
安娜凯特
Anna-Kat?
安娜凯特洗手液擦那里会痛哦
Anna-Kat, it will sting if you put it there.
妈妈奥利弗打了我的蛋蛋
Mama, Oliver hit me in the nuts.
宝贝女孩没有蛋蛋
Sweetie, girls don't have nuts.
我相当肯定有的
I'm pretty sure they do.
我没打她我是把她的水壶给她
I didn't hit her. I gave her her water bottle.
对你重重摔在了我的蛋蛋上
Yeah, and you slammed it hard right in my nuts.
我太累了不理你们给我下车
Okay, I'm too tired for this. Everybody out.
妈我们应该
Mom, you're supposed to
排到最前面才能下车
wait until we're at the front of the line.
今天不行下车
Not today. Out!
你不能让他们在这里下车
You can't let them out here!
他们在人行道上
They're on the sidewalk!
我打赌从协管员桑迪身上轧过去
I bet running over Crossing Guard Sandy
轮胎和她身体摩擦的声音听起来一定很爽
would make a real satisfying "Tha-thunk!" sound.
姐♥妹♥们♥ 当我不存在
Guys, I'm not even here.
我得去商店给泰勒买♥♥数字钟
I got to get groceries, buy Taylor a digital clock,
搜刮一千块红糖块
track down a thousand brown sugar cubes
给安娜凯特做中国长城
for Anna-Kat's Great Wall of China.
说实话她看着我做那玩意能学到什么
Honestly, what is she going to learn by watching me build that thing?
好了坐下
Okay, sit down a second.
出什么事了
What is going on?
在家全职带孩子
Staying at home with the kids...
令人精疲力尽
is exhausting.
我知道
I know!
闭嘴
Shut up.
你是母亲你在家里
You're a mother, and you stay at home,
但你有管家有保姆
but you have a housekeeper, a nanny...
房♥屋管♥理♥员♥ 鬼知道是什么
A house manager -- whatever that is.
她管理我的房♥子
She manages my house.
我家从来没什么东西用完过
I never run out of anything.
我甚至不知道没卫生纸是什么感觉
I don't even know what running out of toilet paper feels like.
咖啡过滤纸的感觉
It feels like a coffee filter.
凯蒂你是真正的全职妈妈
Katie, look, you are a real stay-at-home mom,
和西港其他的女人不同
not like some of these other women in Westport --
比如说她
like her.
我和她们不同好吗
I am not like them, okay?
我有钱多了
I'm way richer.
塞莱斯特和我共同拥有监护权
And Celeste and I share custody --
照顾三天休息四天
three days on, four days off.
关于离婚的一点肮脏小秘密
Dirty little secret about divorce?
正当你想给孩子喂镇静剂
Just when you want to slip your kids a Benadryl
把他们放在动物收♥容♥所♥时
and leave them at the animal shelter,
你可以把他们推给前任
you get to give them back to your ex.
我不能离开格雷格
Ohh, I can't leave Greg.
我可以吗
Can I?
不
Nah.
不
Nah.
不
No.
我刚看了校历
I just went over the school calendar.
11月我孩子在学校只待11天
My kids have 11 days of school in the entire month of November.
这简直就是女人的战争
That's a straight-up war on women.
知道还有什么是女人的战争吗
You know what else is a straight-up war on women?
上半天学
That whole half-day thing.
全职妈妈还能不能看有线台的《假撕逼》了
Can Mama stay at home and watch "Unreal" on Lifetime or not?!
你知道你需要什么吗凯蒂
You know what you need, Katie?
你需要从妈妈工作中休息一下
You need a break from being a mom.
-休息 -是的
- A break? - Yes!
所有事明天做
Do all that stuff tomorrow
今天为自己做点什么
and do something for yourself today.
-你是对的 -我知道
- You're right. - I know.
我的确需要休息
I do need a break.
我要小睡一下
I'm gonna take a nap.
你从来不会小睡
Oh! You never take naps.
我知道所以这次会非常爽的
I know! That's what's going to make this one so delicious.
现在给你的管家打电♥话♥