牧场趣事（2016）

该死 我得把阁楼加固一下了
Holy shit, man. I'm gonna have to reinforce this loft.
感觉就像在索桥上做♥爱♥一样
At one point, it felt like we were doing it on a rope bridge.
说到这个 你想在索桥上约一炮吗
Speaking of which... Wanna do it on a rope bridge sometime?
我有一年假期那么做过一次 晃得并不厉害
I did that on vacation once. Doesn't move as much as you'd think.
而且唐老鸭一直在那边冲我们叫唤
Plus, Donald Duck was yellin' at us from down below the whole time.
说到要是因为我们约炮而生气的人
Speaking of people being mad at you for having sex,
尼克以为你现在在哪
where does old, uh, prison Nick think you're at right now?
别担心 我留了个字条
Don't worry. I left him a note.
说"如果要找我 我在跟公鸡约炮呢"
I said, "If you need me, I'll be having sex with Rooster."
该死 - 是谁啊
Shit. - Who is that?
你真给他留了个那样的字条
Wait. Did you really leave him that note?
没 我没有 - 进屋去
No, I didn't. - Get in there!
嘿 各位忍♥者
Hey, fellas, that's some good,
双节棍练得不错
uh, ninja practice with them nunchucks.
我想
I think it's time we, uh,
该练习掷飞镖了
move on to the throwing stars, all right?
我马上就来
I'll be right there.
好吧
Okay.
忍♥者们都是坐玛丽的车来的吗
Did all the ninjas ride here together in Mary's car?
你怎么来了
Jeez, Colt. What you doing here?
柯尔特 你没在这儿见过我 - 是吗
Hey Colt. You didn't see me. - Oh, yeah?
有什么好处
What's it worth to you?
想想你的蛋蛋对你有多重要
What are your balls worth to you?
嘿 公鸡 既然现在就咱俩 我有些好消息告诉你
Hey, Rooster, since we're here alone, I've got some good news.
诺依曼山撤销指控了
Neumann's Hill's dropping the charges.
艾比和我就要有个女儿了
And Abby and I... are having a baby girl.
哦 天啊 太棒了
Oh, my God, that's great!
妈呀 本奈特家的第一个女孩
Damn, man, first Bennett girl.
我等不及看她把另一个柯尔特本奈特带回家
I cannot wait for her to bring home the next Colt Bennett
去拜见原版的柯尔特本奈特了
to meet the original Colt Bennett.
我可不会让她
I wouldn't even let her
接近那个很帅的混♥蛋♥的
anywhere near that handsome son of a bitch.
天啊 有宝宝是世上最美好的事
Man, having a baby is the most amazing thing in the world.
你把宝宝从医院接回家
Then you bring them home from the hospital.
他们耗尽你的希望和梦想
They slowly drain your hopes and dreams.
最终你会大学辍学
Eventually, you drop out of college
然后跟个矮子
and end up hooking up
在小木屋里鬼混
with a midget lumberjack in his mom's cabin.
等等 你说的是我吗
What, you talking about me?
恭喜 我替你高兴 - 谢谢
Congrats. I'm happy for you. - Thank you.
回见 - 回见姑娘
See you later. - All right. See you later, girl.
你们俩什么情况
What is going on with you two?
我以为她跟前夫复合了
I thought she was back with her ex-husband.
是啊 我也是
Yeah, man, so did I.
我要把卫生局的
I'm guess I'm gonna have to get a
那句警告语写到我的内♥裤♥上
surgeon general's warning on my underwears.
"警告 里面的东西可能导致上瘾"
"Warning: Contents may be addictive."
"副作用可能包括瘙痒 呕吐以及追悔莫及"
"Side effects may include itching, vomiting and severe regret."
天啊 伙计 你就要有女儿了 - 是啊
Crazy, dude, you're having a girl. - Yup.
你会用妈妈的名字给她起名吗 小柯尔特
I assume you're gonna name her after the mom? Colt Jr.?
我是孩子的妈妈 还是你是她的爸爸
Am I the baby's mom or are you the baby's dad?
这俩笑话你只能二选一
You gotta pick one joke or the other.
我不知道 两个我都喜欢
I don't know. I kinda like 'em both.
嘿 如果你愿意 我可以帮你
Hey, if you want, I can give you a hand.
可以把我的卧室改成育婴室
We can turn my old bedroom into a nursery for the baby.
我永远买♥♥不起那张美黑床
I'm never gonna save up enough for that tanning bed, so...
那个不用买♥♥
You don't need one of those, man.
等丹尼店里没什么人时
You just gotta go to Denny's when it's not so crowded,
你躺到食物照射灯下面就行了
lay underneath them food lamps.
保证让你又美又脆
Get you nice and crispy.
嘿 天啊
Hey, uh... Jesus.
我在想
I was thinking, uh...
如果你帮忙
You know, if, uh... you help me out,
我们可以在宝宝出生前把彼得森房♥子那里重新修好
we could get that Peterson place rebuilt before the baby comes.
好 当然
Oh, yeah, sure.
只要你不怕你那双嫩手
Long as you don't mind putting some blisters
磨起茧子就行
on them pretty little baby hands of yours.
伙计 怎样我都愿意
Buddy, whatever it takes.
我不怕
I ain't too worried.
露得清出了款新的修护乳液
Neutrogena's coming out with a new lotion for intense healing.
嘿 谢谢 感谢你的帮忙
Hey, thanks. I appreciate the help.
别见外 你是我弟弟
Of course, dude. You're my brother.
你看孩子的时候
Besides, me and Abby are gonna need a place to hook up
我和艾比会需要个地方亲热
when you're watching our baby.
看到了吗 叫我怎么选
See? How am I supposed to choose?
录下来 我想看老爸知道是个孙女时
Record this. I wanna see the look on the old man's face
会是什么表情
when he finds out he's having a granddaughter.
嘿 还未出生的侄女
Hey, there, unborn baby niece.
这是你♥爸♥ 你接下来将见到非常罕见的画面
That's your daddy. What you're about to see is very rare.
不是独角兽 也不是龙
Now, it's not a unicorn. It's not a dragon.
而是你爷爷的微笑
It is your pop-pop about to smile.
老爸 我有些好消息
Dad, I've got some good news.
你偷了诺依曼山的发电机吗
Did you steal a generator from Neumann's Hill?
停 别录了
Stop. Stop recording.
丽萨来过了 说你承认偷了一台
Lisa came by and said you confessed to stealing one.
我拿了 就是这台发电机让牧场免遭大火
I took it. It saved the ranch from the fire.
你怎么回事
What the hell is the matter with you?
我宁可这地方被烧了
I'd rather this place burn to the ground
也不会偷别人的设备
than steal someone else's equipment.
不成器不算 你现在还成了小偷了
Now you're not only a fuck-up, you're a thief, too?
好吧 老爸
All right, Dad...
听着 发电机是我偷的 好吗
Look, I stole the generator, okay?
天啊
Christ.
柯尔特是把它送回去时被逮到了
Colt just got caught trying to ditch it.
他知道你知道后会很生气
He knew you'd get pissed if you found out.
要是你要发火 就冲我来
So if you're gonna be mad at somebody, go ahead and be mad at me.
我想冲谁发火就冲谁发火
I'll be mad at whoever the fuck I want.
相信你的直觉 就冲柯尔特来好了
Fine. Then trust your first instinct. Be mad at Colt.
我们知道我们搞砸了
Look. We know we screwed up.
行吗 但我已经跟丽萨道歉了
Okay? But I already apologized to Lisa.
你是跟她道歉
Did you apologize to her
还是利用我跟她的关系
or did you use my relationship with her
让自己摆脱麻烦
to get yourself off the hook?
老爸 她说她理解 而且她会撤诉
Dad, she said she understood, and she's dropping the charges.
我让她不要撤诉
I told her not to.
你什么
You what?
你为什么要那么做
Why would you do that?
因为我相信是非黑白
Because I believe in right and wrong,
越过底线 就要付出代价
and when you cross that line, there's a fuckin' price to pay.
如果丽萨诺依曼都不追究了
If Lisa Neumann is okay with it,
我们干吗还 - 闭嘴
why aren't we-- - Stop.
你做了就是做了 说什么都没用
Nothing you can say is gonna change what you did.
你们俩真让我丢脸
You're both a couple of fucking embarrassments.
搞什么
What the hell?
煮咖啡
Make coffee.
请煮咖啡
Make coffee, please.
它不是机器人 博
It's not a robot, Beau.
那是什么 - 是克里格胶囊咖啡机
What is it? - It's a Keurig.
不感兴趣
Pass.
别嘛 博 你该喜欢这东西才对
Ah, come on, Beau. You should love this thing.
它煮出来的咖啡很棒 美国产
It, uh, makes great coffee, made in America,
而且对环境不利
and it's terrible for the environment.
连名字都很奇怪 克里格
Even the name sounds weird. Keurig?
看看"咖啡先生"这个名字
Mr. Coffee.
一目了然
Pretty clear what's going on there.
看着 跟猎枪上膛一样
Watch this. It loads like a shotgun.
打开咖啡机
You open the chamber.
放胶囊进去
Pop in a shell.
一杯中杯榛子奶油咖啡马上就好
Boom! You just bagged yourself a medium-sized hazelnut cream.
我宁可往自己嘴里来一枪
I'd rather put a real shotgun in my mouth.