木兰尼的人生（2014）
Mulaney
第一季
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木兰尼的人生（2014）
Mulaney S01E02
Part 3
April 13, 2021, 10:49 a.m.
If you're serious,
我一个客户这周五刚好要生
a client of mine is inducing this Friday.
但是她可能不想有陌生人在场吧...
Yeah, but--but she probably wouldn't want a stranger there, so--
说实话 我那个客户都第五次生了
Actually, it's my client's fifth baby,
所以她淡定得很
so she's really chill about it.
以前还从没人去现场帮过我呢
I've never had anyone there for support.
谢谢你
Thank you!
说实话
Oh, well, you know,
很多男人都很反感这个 可你却不是
a lot of guys would be too squeamish, but not you.
是啊
No.
对 我不那样
No, not me.
你知道大家都怎么说吗
Well, you know what they say.
我希望自己不会看不到周五的太阳
I sure hope I don't die before Friday.
看看他
Look at him.
别拍了 我都这副鬼样子
Stop filming me, I look terrible.
-约翰 -卢
- John. - Hey, Lou.
不是吧 你现在是迷上玩什么
Oh, no, is this some kind of marionette thing
提线木偶了吗
you're into now?
不是 平时给我化妆的女孩儿不见了
No, my usual makeup girl is gone.
蒂芙妮人呢 负责服装的梅丽莎人呢
Where is Tiffany? Where is Melissa in wardrobe?
你看看我
Look at me.
今天给我做电视造型的
I was styled for the show today
是一个叫安东尼的退休警♥察♥
by some retired cop named Antony.
还要涂点腮红吗
You want more face paint?
不不 不用了 谢谢
No, no, no, I'm good, thanks.
我是个爷们儿 哥们儿
I am a dude, dude.
我要女人给我化妆
I want women putting makeup on me.
女性都罢♥工♥了 除非你结束敌对工作环境
The women are on strike. None of them will work
否则她们是不会回来工作的
until you end the hostile work environment.
敌对 你说"敌对"是个什么意思
Hostile? What are you talking about, hostile?
我昨天教大家跳康加舞的时候不是挺好吗
What about the staff conga line yesterday that I started?
这位小姐应该告诉你
Miss thing here was supposed to tell you
让你不要在节目上拈花惹草的
to stop acting so horny on the show,
但是他没说 所以大家都罢♥工♥了
but he didn't, and now, we're all on strike.
约翰 这事儿你都知道吗
John, you knew about this?
卢 真的很抱歉
Lou, I'm really sorry.
我觉得我跟你提太奇怪了
I thought it would be weird to bring it up to you.
这样就不奇怪了吗
Is this less weird?
那你想让我说什么
Look, what do you want me to say?
我不喜欢跟自己上司谈性♥爱♥生活 很抱歉
I'm uncomfortable talking to my boss about sex, okay? I'm sorry.
你抱歉改变不了大家需要向我道歉这一事实
Well, sorry will not change the fact that I need an apology.
下次你听人背后谈论我的时候
And the next time you hear people talking about me behind my back,
尽管直接来面对面告诉我
you come to me and tell me face-to-face,
我可是个男人
'cause I am a man,
不用大家像对待瓷娃娃一样对待我
and I don't have to be treated like a fragile, little thing.
妈妈 你怎么来...
Mama. What are you doing he--
我讨厌这里的所有人
I hate everyone here.
-奥斯卡 -你好啊
- Hey, Oscar. - Oh, hello.
我要去五十街了
I'm headed up to 50th Street.
有时我就光坐在沙滩椅上
Sometimes, if I sit in a beach chair,
最后都能开起一个街头派对
eventually, a block party will start.
你跟阿曼达怎么样了
How are things with Amanda?
糟透了
Ugh, they're bad.
我得去看她在人生产时做导乐 我会晕倒的
I have to watch her doula at a birth, and I'm gonna faint.
我晕倒阿曼达就会生我的气
I'm gonna faint, and Amanda's gonna be mad at me,
出生的宝宝也会生我的气
and the baby's gonna be mad at me,
阿曼达还会以为我害怕阴♥道♥
and Amanda's gonna think I'm afraid of vaginas,
这可不利于我们之间的化学反应
and that can't be good for our chemistry.
约翰 谁都有自己反感的东西
John, everyone has things that make them squeamish.
可能你不知道 其实我是犹太人
You may not know this, but I'm a Jewish person,
我第一次我去参加割礼时就晕过去了
and the first time I went to a bris, I passed out.
-是吗 -我看到那个祭司
- You did? - When I saw the rabbi
把那把大雪茄剪放到那个小腰果上时
put that cigar cutter on that little cashew,
简直要吓死了好吗
I was a goner.
那你以后又去参加过割礼吗
Did you ever go to a bris again?
必须得去啊 一周后就轮到我了
I had to. I get invited to one a week.
大家都爱奥斯卡哦
Everyone loves Oscar.
我决定去适应参加割礼
I decided to get so used to going to brisses
让自己看到那个就跟看到朋友理发一样
that it would be no weirder than seeing a friend get a haircut.
-你会看朋友理发吗 -当然了
- You watch your friends get haircuts? - Of course.
你也应该尽可能了解生孩子
You should learn as much as you can about childbirth
直到你不再担心害怕为止
until you no longer are worried about it.
你真觉得那样有用吗
Do you really think that will work?
对我是管用了 现在我去参加割礼
It worked for me. Now, when I go to a bris,
我就只会笑啊笑
I just laugh and laugh.
当然 通常我都是嗑嗨了去的
Of course, I'm normally very stoned.
我们会帮你的 慕兰尼
We're here for you, Mulaney.
等我们教育完了你
When we're done with you,
你看到生孩子就会跟
you'll be as comfortable with childbirth
整天在有线台上看那些
as you are with those sex murders
性♥虐♥谋杀案时一样舒爽
you watch on cable all day long.
这应该就是生命的循环吧
I guess it's all the circle of life,
从生产到谋杀
from birth to murder.
好了莫迪福 快开始基础内容吧
Okay, Motif, let's just start with the basics.
生产历程始于月经...
"The journey to birth begins at menstruation..."
天哪
Oh, God.
女性子♥宫♥内膜脱落
"When women experience shedding in the uterine lining."
天 "脱落" 就是这个词最让我难受
Oh, "Shedding," that's the word that always got me.
简 你先不要生气
Oh, g--Jane, before you get mad,
我对女性和她们的身体充满爱和尊重
all love and respect to women and their bodies.
我知道你每月都得经历一次
I know you have to go through that every month.
说实话 因为高中练体操和避孕的影响
Actually, between high school gymnastics and birth control,
有时候我整季都不会来[明白]
sometimes, I don't get it for an entire season.
我好像陷入了《权力的游戏》里的周期循环
I'm on kind of a Game of Thrones cycle.
凛冬将至 但是它又迟迟不来
Winter is coming, but, like, not for a while.
在某些生产场合 导乐需要帮助
"In certain births, doulas will have to assist
进行外阴切开术...
in an episiotomy when the--"
什么 到底是什么
What? What is it?
如果孩子出不来 那就得切开...
If the baby can't squeeze out, they cut area between--
-曼哈顿和布鲁克林吗 -对
- Manhattan and Brooklyn? - Yes!
苍天呐 真是太恐怖了
Oh, my God! This is horrible!
我妈怎么从没跟我说过这个呢
How did my mother never tell me about this?
今晚我要打电♥话♥跟那个女人撕逼
I'm going to call that woman tonight and tear her a new one.
天 约翰 我已经那么做过了
Oh, John, I already did.
简 万一明天那位女士要做外阴切开术呢
Jane, what if that lady tomorrow has an episiotomy?
我会死的 横尸当场...
I will die. I will die right there---
别紧张好吗 "外阴切开术"就是个词而已
Hey, hey, hey, hey! "Episiotomy's" just a word.
外阴切开术 外阴切开术
Episiotomy? Episiotomy!
对 外阴切开术 就是个词而已
Yeah, episiotomy, it's just a word.
就像个意大利人的名字一样
It sounds like a little Italian man,
-崴尹砌凯先生 -对
- Mr. Episiotomy. - Yeah.
他会扫干净自家店门口 而且...
And he-- and he sweeps up in front of his store, and--
对 他还有两个非常引以为傲的女儿
Yeah, and he has two daughters he's very proud of.
话说崴尹砌凯先生 您怎么从来不笑呢
Yeah, yeah, hey, Mr. Episiotomy, why you-a never smile?
因为他们把我的阴♥道♥和肛♥门♥之间切开了
Yeah, uh, "Because they cut-a between my vagina and my anus."
对不起
Sorry.
我受不了了
This is rough.
我好像不该听奥斯卡的建议
Maybe I shouldn't have taken Oscar's advice.
为什么要做这个呢
Why are we doing this?
产妇已经准备就绪
The woman is placed in stirrups,
生命的奇迹就快完成了
and the miracle of life is almost complete.
生产视频你能看到20分钟了
You made it 20 minutes into the movie.
这病你可能好了 慕兰尼
You might be cured, Mulaney.
拍这样的视频前为什么不先蜡脱毛呢
How do you not get waxed before making a video like this?
快了 简
A little further, Jane!
加把劲 莫迪福 快好了
A little further, Motif. We got this.
好 一二三
All right, one, two, three.
-安德烈啊 -嗨
- Hey, Andre. - Hey.
慕兰尼 你也帮忙了啊
Mulaney, you were helping too.
对
Yes.
父母二人手牵着手
木兰尼的人生（2014）
Mulaney
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