木兰尼的人生（2014）

Mulaney S01E03

Part 2 April 13, 2021, 10:51 a.m.

Not bad, Mr. Lapidus, not bad.
很坏但是很好笑
Well, bad, but they are working.
我弄明白了要怎么继承一间租金管制的公♥寓♥了
So I figured out how to inherit a rent-controlled apartment.
我只要说我是拉皮德斯的事实婚姻伴侣
I just have to say I'm Lapidus' common-law wife.
简谁会相信你跟拉皮德斯结婚了
Jane, who's gonna believe that you were married to Lapidus?
我有完美的计划好吗
I have the perfect plan, okay?
我会把我的东西放在公♥寓♥里各个地方
I'm gonna leave my stuff all around his apartment,
把我自己PS进他所有的照片里
photoshop myself into all his pictures,
然后把这份讣告发给报纸
and send this death notice to the paper.
-瞧 -我看看
- Look. - Oh, let's see.
安东尼·拉皮德斯生于1926年9月5日
"Anthony Lapidus was born September 5, 1926,
新泽西州东布伦瑞克市
"in East Brunswick, New Jersey,
与周日晚死于睡眠中
"and died in his sleep Sunday night,
留下了他年轻助人瘦弱的女友
"leaving behind his young, supportive, thin girlfriend
不管多久都够成为事实婚姻妻子
"of however many years it takes to be a common-law wife.
不要送花要送丝芙兰那种地方的
"In lieu of flowers, send gift cards for Sephora
-购物卡 -那种地方
- and places like that." - "Like that."
我要拍到这个鬼
I need to get this ghost on film.
更多奇怪的现象出现了
There's been more strange phenomena.
昨晚我跟一个女孩做♥爱♥
Last night, I was having sex with a girl,
她只有一次高♥潮♥
and she only had one orgasm.
你的致敬如何
Hey, how was your tribute?
其实我最后把拉皮德斯的笑话给了卢
I actually I ended up giving Lapidus' jokes to Lou,
简直太棒了我觉得那个拯救了我的工作
and they killed. I think it saved my job.
你从一个死人的笑话来捞好处
You took the credit for a dead man's jokes?
那是盗窃
That's stealing.
难怪拉皮德斯要变鬼来纠缠我们
No wonder Lapidus is haunting us.
我从来没见过这么不尊重鬼的自从...
I haven't seen such lack of respect for ghosts since...
小雷·帕克之后
Ray Parker, Jr.
没错你说得对
Yeah, you're right.
我是说盗窃那个
I mean about the stealing.
其实你说的其他东西我没太明白
I couldn't follow the rest of what you were saying.
明天我就把那些笑话的真♥相♥告诉卢
Tomorrow, I'm gonna tell Lou the truth about those jokes.
希望他不要解雇我
I just hope he doesn't fire me.
但是我要说明我这么做
But for the record, I'm not doing this
不是因为我相信你房♥间闹鬼好吗
because I believe your room is haunted, all right?
根本就没有鬼
There's no such thing as ghosts.
-你好安德烈 -你好慕兰尼
- Hey, Andre. - Hey, Mulaney.
我想让你看看我的新万圣节服装
I wanted to show you my new Halloween costume.
-太平常了 -什么
- It's a little generic. - What?
抱歉
Oh! Sorry.
我妈妈在刷漆所以她把这个罩在我头上了
My mom was painting, so she put this drop over me.
从我小时候起每年万圣节
Every Halloween since I was little,
小屁孩都会打我偷走我的糖果
teenagers would beat me up and steal my candy,
但今年我有个计划
but I have a plan this year.
我会扮成一只彩色的纸驴
I'm going as a colorful paper-mache donkey,
我会把所有的糖果都藏在服装里
and I'm going to hide all the candy inside the costume.
好吧
All right.
所以你害怕孩子打你
So you're afraid of kids beating you up
偷走你的糖果
and stealing your candy,
而你的计划就是变成一个皮纳塔
and your plan is to be a pinata?
墨西哥万圣节时被儿童用棒击打的陶罐
我自己的公♥寓♥
My own apartment.
我一个人的
Just for me.
我一个人的浴室
A bathroom that's just mine.
好像我已经完全长大
It's like I'm all grown up.
哪里也没有喜剧演员
No comedians anywhere.
看不是塑料杯子
And look, non-plastic cup.
美
Fancy.
我一个人的旧药瓶
Old pill bottles just for me.
发出声音的沙发
Noisy couches.
小电视
Tiny TV.
按键很大的电♥话♥
A phone with buttons so big
我可以用拇指打电♥话♥
I can dial with my thumb.
每个抽屉里都有LBJ的徽章
LBJ pins in every drawer.
第三十六届美国总统
温度永远是
And the temperature's always.
三十四五
有根绳子我一拉
There's a string that I can pull
救护车马上就来到
and an ambulance will come!
我的椅子就像奇幻旅程
My chair reclines like a carnival ride
我脚朝上睡着牙齿就在一边
as I sleep with my feet up, teeth by my side.
在我自己长大的公♥寓♥
In my own grown-up apartment.
我那热死人的公♥寓♥
My uncomfortably hot apartment.
只属于我一个人
Just for Me.
我的天好多蟑螂
And-- oh, my God, so many roaches.
卢我要跟你谈谈昨天的那些笑话
Hey, Lou, I need to talk to you about those jokes yesterday.
等等我正在威胁开除这个白♥痴♥写手
Hold on, I'm threatening to fire this idiot writer.
我被你气死了气死了
I am so mad at you, so mad.
你在这里招摇过市像个大人物
You strut around here like some alpha male,
可是一到写东西的时候你什么都交不出来
but when it comes to writing, you give me nothing,
然后你就会找这些借口
and then you come up with these excuses,
什么"我奶奶进医院了"
like, "Oh, my grandmother's in the hospital."
我给医院打电♥话♥了
Well, I phoned the hospital,
根本没有叫她那个名字的人
and there's no one there under her name.
因为她去世了
That's because she died.
糟糕的写手还是个骗子
A bad writer and a liar.
为什么你不能像慕兰尼这样又诚实又能写出好笑话
Why can't you write good jokes and be honest like Mulaney?
他就像一个搞笑版的乔治·华盛顿
He's like a funny George Washington.
电影点子某个情况下的有趣角色
Movie idea: Funny character in some sort of a situation.
也许在外太空
Possibly outer space.
说回慕兰尼
Back to Mulaney.
这家伙写了他是如何
I mean, the guy writes authentic material
与他的岳母和愚蠢的波兰人♥民♥做斗争的
about his struggles with mothers-in-law
真实故事
and dumb Polish people.
我只是写了我知道的
I just write what I know.
瞧瞧他那愧疚的小眼神
Aw, look at the guilty look in his eye.
真正的天才都觉得自己有错
Truly talented people always think they're a fraud.
就像我哥们辛普森
It's like my buddy, O.J.
那家伙拿过海斯曼奖[全美最佳球员]
The guy's a heisman trophy winner,
但总是一副做了什么错事的样子
but he always has this look like he did something wrong.
约翰你有真才实学
John, you're the real deal.
我都等不及明天再看你写的那种笑话了
I can't wait to read more of those jokes tomorrow.
-明天还要好吧 -对
- More of those jokes, right. - Yeah.
我能说句话吗
May I say something?
什么
What?
我喜欢你那个外太空的创意
I like your outer space idea.
简你看到这里
Hey, Jane, have you seen
还有其他笑话笔记本吗
any more notebooks of jokes lying around?
我需要再给卢一些拉皮德斯式笑话
I need to give Lou more of that Lapidus magic.
拉皮德斯是谁来着
Wait, who's Lapidus again?
你的亡夫
Your husband.
对哦我好想他
Oh, right. Aw, I miss him.
总之整栋公♥寓♥我都找遍了
Anyway, I searched the whole apartment,
我想寻找回忆...
looking for memories...
你是想找钱吧
You were looking for money.
来纪念追忆他
to remember him by,
找的时候呢我找到了这些笑话
and while doing that, I found these jokes.
好多啊
Oh, wow. There's so many here.
可以帮我支撑一周了
This is gonna last me, like, a week.
谢谢简
Thanks, Jane.
那我回家了你要一起吗
All right, I'm going home. You coming?
约翰这里就是我家
John, this is my home.
你看看我终于可以像成年人一样自己住了
Look at me, I'm finally living like an adult.
我吃饭香...
The meals, they're on wheels, and--
谁管你我先走了
Okay, I don't care. I gotta go.
这是看什么呢
What are we watching?
我在我房♥间里装了摄像头全天监控抓鬼
I set up a camera in my room 24/7 to catch the ghost.
从录像上看你真是诡异啊
This footage of you is oddly compelling.
我都看了好几个小时了
I've been watching me for hours.
就像看黑人版《纸牌屋》一样
It's like the black House of Cards.
这里我是去找充电器了
Oh, this is the part where I go look for my charger.