木兰尼的人生（2014）

Mulaney S01E01

Part 3 April 13, 2021, 10:49 a.m.

They live back in Chicago with my mom and my--
你回答有没有就行了好我们工作吧
It's a yes or no question. Come on, let's get to work.
没问题我知道你今天有录影
Absolutely. I know you have a taping today.
我昨晚熬夜帮你写了很多笑话
I stayed up last night and wrote a lot of jokes.
等等等等慢着
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.
通常我是不跟作家合作的
Normally, I don't work with writers,
所以我觉得你要学会的第一件事
so I think first you have to learn
就是如何写东西表达我的心声
how to write for my voice, okay?
比如我很聪明
Like, I'm very smart,
但是这并不意味着我不会犯傻
but it doesn't mean I can't be silly.
我喜欢蹭蹭蹭铺垫然后娓娓道出妙语警句
I like fast, fast, fast setups and slow punch lines.
比如我眼中的精彩笑话是这样的...
Like, a good joke for me would be...
记得我在个人秀中说过一个笑话
Like, there's a joke I did in my one-man show,
"离婚与其它春♥药♥"
divorce and other aphrodisiacs.
你看过吗
Did you ever see it?
不好意思这我真没看过
I'm sorry, I didn't, actually.
好吧我从头开始给你表演
Okay, good, well, I'll perform it from the beginning for you.
舞台全黑灯光打向我
Black stage, spot on me.
进入青春期的时候我就知道自己麻烦大了
By the time I hit puberty, I knew I was in trouble.
那是1982年
The year, 1982.
地点德卢斯市
The city, Duluth.
七个小时后
"干得漂亮孩子你一定会成功的"
"You did good, kid. I think you're going places,"
那个酒吧老板跟我说
The club owner said to me.
对此我只能报以微笑
All I could do is smile.
然后熄灯表演结束
Blackout, end of show.
好吧三分钟后你就要上场了
Okay, so you go on in three minutes.
你要看看我写的笑话吗
Do you want to read my jokes?
约翰我不需要你帮我写笑话
John, I don't need you to write jokes for me,
真的不需要
I really don't.
那我来干啥
Then what am I doing here?
有意思
Oh, that's funny.
"那我来干啥" 这句不错
"What am I doing here?" I'll use that.
话说我们俩真的很合拍对吧
Hey, we're really vibing, huh?
如果不是我你今晚就等着
And if it wasn't for me, you'd be stuck
在那个游轮秀上被喷死吧
bombing on that cruise show tonight.
人人身边都有一个"事儿妈"
See, everyone knows a problem bitch.
如果你身边没有那你肯定就是传说中的事儿妈
If you don't know one, then you are the problem bitch.
玛莎基金
步行马拉松
我什么都没写卢就那么跟我说了好几个小时
Yeah, I never write anything. Lou just talks at me for hours.
就好像他是想折磨我
It's like he's trying to torture me
而我是他最好的朋友一样
and I'm his best friend.
真怀念女生联谊会
Oh, I miss my sorority.
至少你可以在这个"玛莎"什么玩意儿上
Well, at least you're getting to open for him
帮他开场
at this "Marsha" thing.
是啊这场秀规模不小
Yeah, it is a big show.
话说你来这里干什么
What are you doing here, by the way,
我知道你肯定不是来支持我的
'cause I know it's not to support me.
我知道可是达斯汀就住这条街上
I know, right? No, Dustin lives on this street.
约翰你别担心我是来了断的
No, no, no, it's good, John. I came here to get closure.
我要让他看看我已经重新开始了
You know, let him see that I've moved on.
我在参加步行马拉松
I'm doing a walk-a-thon.
你见过哪个生活中一无所有的女人
I mean, would a woman with nothing in her life
会埋头于慈善事业吗
immerse herself in charity work?
-可能也有 -是啊
- Eh, maybe she would. - Yeah....
就这样我要最后一次走过他家窗户了
All right, I'm gonna walk by his window one last time.
走得开心
Have fun.
-喂 -约翰我是唐娜
- Hello? - John, it's Donna,
卢·加侬的助理
Lou Cannon's assistant.
-唐娜你好吗 -好就见鬼了
- Hi, Donna, how are you? - Blessed.
卢有份特殊声明
So Lou has a special announcement
他要你先念给观众听听好热身
he wants you to read to get the crowd warmed up.
没问题
No problem.
玛莎基金
步行马拉松
大家好准备开怀大笑了吗
All right, everybody. Who's ready to laugh?
很好
Yeah!
大家说什么我听不清楚
I can't hear you.
当然不是但是大家可以再大点声
That's not true, of course, but cheer louder.
就是这样
Yeah.
很好
Okay.
"卢·加侬今天来不了了"
"Lou Cannon cannot be here today,
"所以表演取消" 什么
so there will be no show!" What?
"但好消息是只要25美金"
"But good news-- for only $25,
"你就可以跟卢的纸板人像优先合影哦"
you can take a V.I.P. photo with Lou's cardboard replica."
刚才怎么个情况
What the hell just happened?
你好约翰你好卢
Hey, John. Hey, Lou.
-你怎么一身土 -我从达斯汀家的窗槛花箱里
- What's with the dirt? - I yanked these flowers
-把花儿都拔♥出♥来♥了 -什么
- out of Dustin's window box. - What?
这是我去年种上的
I planted them last year.
他跟那个新女朋友以为自己可以坐享其成吗
He and his new girlfriend think they get to enjoy them?
想得美花儿可是老娘的
Uh, yeah, no. They're mine!
简你不是说要跟他了断吗
Jane, I thought you wanted closure.
我想要正义小子我现在离正义更近一步了
I wanted justice, white boy, and I am one step closer.
-天达斯汀在家 -天哪
- Oh, my God, Dustin's home. - Oh, God.
我得走了
I gotta hit the bricks.
闪人
Scatter!
领夹式麦克风摘下来给我吧
Hey, I need that lapel mic back.
我都不记得上次遭受如此奇耻大辱是什么时候了
I can't remember the last time I've been this humiliated.
松下腰带弯一下腰
Undo your belt a little and bend over.
没问题
Sure thing.
别用手扶用胳膊肘儿撑着
Not on your hands, on your elbows.
现在我记得了
Now I can remember.
很遗憾卢放了你的鸽子哥们
I'm sorry Lou canceled on you, man.
我这周也很不好过
I'm having a rough week too.
我把我的"事儿妈"T恤都卖♥♥光了
I sold out of my "Problem bitch" T-shirts.
你卖♥♥了150件印着"事儿妈"的T恤吗
You sold 150 T-shirts that say "Problem bitch"?
都怪那艘游船
It was that cruise.
我那笑话要是在陆地上肯定所向无敌
I knew my jokes could conquer land...
可是搁海上就完了
but sea?
那到底是怎么回事
So what's wrong?
那个笑话我还没想好结尾呢
I don't have an ending for that joke yet.
现在"事儿妈"这个梗都火了可是...
"Problem bitch" is out there in the zeitgeist now, and...
我觉得在大家意识到
I figure I have an 18-hour window
自己是平白无故傻笑前我还有18个小时
before people realize they're laughing at nothing.
各位各位快来听听
You guys. You guys, listen to this email
达斯汀给他新女朋友发的邮件
Dustin sent his new girlfriend.
标题坏消息我念了哈
Subject: Bad News." Ah! Okay.
"那个神经病..."这说的是我
So, psycho..." That's me.
"今天来把她自己种的花儿都拔了"
"showed up today and ripped out the flowers she planted."
我种的他承认我的劳动成果了
That I planted. He gave me the credit.
继续那姑娘回复说
Listen. New girl writes back
他应该报♥警♥
and says he should call the cops.
他说 "没事"
He says, and I quote, "Relax."
她又说他怂
She tells him he has no balls.
然后他写道 "你知道自己是什么吗"
Then he writes, "Do you know what you are?
"简直就是事儿妈我都有点想简了"
"A problem bitch. I almost miss Jane,
"因为疯狂是一时的可事儿妈是一世的"
because crazy calms down, but a problem bitch is forever."
我知道笑话怎么结尾了
My joke has an ending!
我也跟他了断了
And I have closure!
-生活也没那么糟来 -我们成功了
- Life is okay! Come here! - We did it!
你好啊
Hello.
你怎么看到那封邮件的
How did you even read that email?
密♥码♥不是安德烈设置的吗
I thought that Andre had the password.
确实如此
He did.
呸
Oh, yuck.
但是她对我苦苦哀求约翰
But then she begged me for it, John.
她说自己愿意做任何事
She said she'd do anything,
于是我说"好啊那就让我去你们公♥寓♥玩吧"
and I said, "Very well, let me hang out at your apartment."
我好像应该要求更多的
Oh, I should have asked for more.
喂唐娜
Hello, Donna.
没事我没开免提
No, don't worry, you're not on speaker.