木兰尼的人生（2014）

Mulaney S01E07

Part 1 April 13, 2021, 10:51 a.m.

想在纽约找房♥子简直是脑子抽风
Finding an apartment in New York is insane.
当你搬到纽约来之后就会意识到
You move to New York and you realize
在纽约买♥♥一间公♥寓♥的钱
that you can either afford an apartment in New York
都可以买♥♥下亚拉巴马州的一个街区了
or an entire block in Alabama.
找房♥子的过程能彻底地改变你的思维方式
Looking for an apartment totally changes your way of thinking.
想当年我找房♥子的时候
I remember, I was looking for an apartment
当时我看了约翰尼·德普主演的那部电影
and I went to see that Johnny Depp movie,
《公众之敌》其中有一幕
Public Enemies, and there's this scene
讲的是约翰尼·德普被关在一个牢房♥里
where Johnny Depp is thrown into a jail cell,
看到那个牢房♥时我的第一反应就是
and my first thought when I saw the cell,
"这地方采光真不错"
literally was, "whoa, that place gets good light."
有一次我在网上找房♥子
I was looking for an apartment once online
列表上有两张照片
and uh, the listing had two photos.
一张照片上是一个小房♥子而另一张
One photo was of a sink, and the other photo
是华盛顿广场公园
was of Washington Square Park.
就好像是在说这鬼地方
As if to say, "This terrible sink is nowhere
离华盛顿广场公园远得很呢
near Washington Square Park."
我原来找房♥子的时候一个房♥地♥产♥经纪人
I was looking for an apartment and a realtor showed me
给我看的那个小公♥寓♥有一面墙是镜子
a tiny apartment where one wall was a mirror,
她说这样房♥子看起来就大多了
and she said, "It makes the place seem so much bigger."
但你们知道的事实并非如此
Yeah, but you know, it's not.
你想把这房♥子租给谁麻雀吗
Who are you trying to rent this place to, a bird?
我当时真希望她这样对我说
I wanted later for her to be like,
抱歉你需要付给我1000美元的中介费
"Uh, excuse me, my broker fee was $1,000.
你这是500的支票那样我就可以说
Your check is for 500," and I could be like,
没错把支票放到那个镜子前面看啊
"Well yeah, put it up against that mirror
那样看起来就是一千了你这个笨蛋
and it'll look like $1,000, you optically-fooled idiot.
本片是当着很多观众现场实拍的知道吗
Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay?
晚安奥斯卡晚安利维太太
Good night, Oscar. Good night, Mrs. Levy.
三楼那个以为我名字是约恩的老爹爹
Good night old man from the third floor
你也晚安
who thinks my name is Jorn.
大楼租户会议最棒了
Those building tenant meetings are the best.
到处都是愤怒的老人
So many old, angry people.
我希望我晚年的时候也能这样
I hope I spend the twilight of my life
尖叫着抗♥议♥洗衣房♥的环境
screaming about the condition of a laundry room.
我们应该玩个游戏游戏规则是
We should start a game where you take a drink
一旦有人用纳粹用语来表达观点你就得喝一杯
every time someone uses the nazis to make their point.
盖世太保:德国纳粹秘密警♥察♥
三个不同的人用了同一个词"盖世太保"
Three different people said the term, "Gestapo-like"
来描述那个邮递员
to describe the mailmen.
你们饼干都没拿就走了
Oh, hello, you left the meeting without cookies!
这是蕾妮和小鸟在她那肮脏的公♥寓♥里做出来的
Made by Reeni with the filthy apartment and all the birds.
奥斯卡谢谢你我们肯定会吃的
Oh, thank you Oscar, we will definitely put these in our mouths.
很抱歉我开会的时候发火了
Sorry I got angry in there.
虽然佛教宣传色即是空
Even though Buddha teaches that the material world is an illusion,
但门上的宣传♥单♥要把我逼疯了
these menus on the doors are driving me crazy!
现在他们竟然把电♥话♥都贴我门上了
Now there's a yellow pages at my door.
如果我想知道你的电♥话♥
If I want your phone number,
我会走到你们公♥司♥去亲自问你们的
I'll walk to your business and ask for it.
你们下次开这种会议的时候
Hey, next time you have one of those meetings,
记得告诉我一声
you should tell me about it.
我觉得这里有很多东西需要修一下了
I got a lot of ideas to fix stuff around here.
首先我们需要效果更好的加热管
Like one, we need stronger heating pipes.
其次我把我们的加热管弄坏了
Two, I broke our heating pipes.
什么怎么回事
What? How did you do that?
跳卡泼卫勒舞的时候弄坏的
Capoeira.
和萨尔萨舞很像但是是拿着刀跳的
It's like salsa dance, but with knives.
我们想要邀请你去但你不是租户啊
I mean, we'd invite you but you're not really a tenant
因为你的名字不在租约上
'cause you're not on the lease.
我名字不在租约上吗
I'm not on the lease?
不在啊
No, not technically.
那我搬进来的时候签的那个是什么
So what was that thing I signed when I moved in?
你的大头签名照
Your headshot.
没错虽然我们没人想要
Yeah, you signed one for each of us
你还是给我们每人签了一张
even though we did not ask for it.
我的上面写着留在学校
Mine said, "stay in school."
我的上面写着镇里最好吃的披萨
Mine said, "best pizza in town."
这两个我都觉得很对
I stand by both of those.
莫迪福我和简没有在租约上加上第三个租户
You know, Motif, Jane and I have never added a third roommate
是因为一旦我们修改了租约
to the lease because if we change the lease,
他们就会提高我们的房♥租
they could raise our rent.
是啊那时候我们的房♥租很便宜
Yeah, back in the day, we got a really good deal
因为那时候是经济萧条期
on rent 'cause it was the recession
我们似乎还暗示了一下我们是
and then we kind of hinted that we were refugees
遭遇了卡特里娜飓风的难民
from Katrina.
所以法律上来说我没有住在这里
So legally, I don't live here.
那如果你和简被公交车撞了我会怎样
What happens to me if you and Jane get hit by a bus?
我绝不会坐公交的
Ew, I would never take a bus.
不你当然不会坐在公交上
No, you wouldn't be on the bus
你站在公交前面这样它才能撞到你
you'd be in front of the bus, which is how it hits you.
我绝不会站在公交前面的
Ew, I would never be in front of a bus.
莫迪福你是我们室友这是不会变的好吗
Motif, you're always gonna be our roommate, okay?
我们不必把它写在条约里
We don't need to put it in writing.
放松点吧我们来看电视
Now come on, let's relax. Watch some TV.
好吧无所谓
A'ight, whatever.
我们看时空旅行频道吧
Hey, let's watch the time travel channel.
有一个节目讲的是夏洛克·福尔摩斯
There's a show where Sherlock Holmes time travels
穿越到不同的农贸市场的故事
to different farmer's markets.
演员是各种各样的加拿大人
The cast is so diverse yet all Canadian.
我们把时空旅行频道取消了
We cancelled the time travel channel.
不不不拜托了别啊
No, no, no, no! Please, no!
我得看夏洛克·福尔摩斯
I gotta find out if Sherlock Holmes
回到90年代并发现杂交水果啊
gets to the 1990s and discovers hybrid fruit.
我很抱歉但那个频道一个月要10美元呢
Look, I'm sorry, it was an extra ten bucks a month,
我们以为没人会看
and we didn't think anyone watched it.
而且有线电视账单上也没你的名字
Plus, you're not on the cable bill.
没我吗
I'm not?
感觉这里好像没我这个人似的
It's like I don't exist here.
别这样莫迪福
Come on, Motif.
你知道这是怎么回事的
You know how it works.
我付有线电视费和电费
I pay cable and electric.
我也不能把这个当做理所当然
And I don't take that for granted.
我是这样想的
Here's what I think of that.
这是修订过的大头签名照
They're revised headshots.
你伤害了我的感情爱你的莫迪福
"You hurt my feelings. Love, Motif."
我上面还是写着镇里最好吃的披萨
Mine still says, "best pizza in town."
然后莫迪福整个晚上一直躲躲藏藏的
And then Motif was sulking for the rest of the night.
我们并不是故意要伤害他的感情的
I mean, it's not like we're trying to hurt his feelings.
只是不写进条约里事情会更好办罢了
It's just simpler not to put things in writing.
如果你想问我得意见的话我没有在听
Well, if you want my opinion, I wasn't listening.
这年头谁还用合同这种东西啊
Nobody has contracts anymore.
它们就像是我的眼皮割过了[过时了]
They're like my eyelids, done.
我经历过三次离婚
You know, I went through three divorces
换过五次经纪人才学会了这个宝贵的人生哲理
and five agents before learning this valuable life lesson:
别和你的经纪人结婚
don't marry your agents.
有的人我和他们一起工作了好几年
I mean, I've worked with people for years
也不过就是点头之交比如阿尼
with just a handshake. Like Arnie.
阿尼你是说观众席里扎根那株植物吗
Arnie, the audience plant?
他不是植物小慕慕
Well, he's not a plant, JJ.
他是个人我们刻意把他放到观众席里
He's a human being that we intentionally
这样我就可以即兴地表演一些
put into the audience so I can improvise
事先写好的对他的羞辱
pre-written insults at him.
他和我一起工作了好多年了
He's been with me for years.
我猜我猜我猜猜猜
谢谢女士们先生们谢谢你们
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
欢迎来到我猜我猜我猜猜猜
And welcome to Celebrity You Guess It.
今天的观众都很热情啊
What a wonderful audience we have today.
快看这个人
Look at this guy.
看起来就像是吃掉了霍格沃茨的哈利·波特
Looks like Harry Potter ate Hogwarts.
-他说得真准 -真是个可爱的人
- He got me. - Good sport.
加侬我最大