木兰尼的人生（2014）

Mulaney S01E10

Part 3 April 13, 2021, 10:52 a.m.

I very much enjoy your stand-up act.
你的生活经历太重要了
Your life experiences matter so much.
那我的相声呢
What about my act?
你有没有听过我新想的政♥治♥讽刺梗
Have you heard the new political bit I do?
每个姑娘都有个叫艾瑞卡的朋友
Every girl has a friend named Erica,
如果你没有叫艾瑞卡的朋友
and if you ain't got a friend named Erica,
那你就是艾瑞卡
then you the friend Erica.
我没有哦
I don't have one,
那我想我就是艾瑞卡喽
so I guess I'm Erica.
你俩生来就是当巨星的料啊
You two are destined for stardom.
谢谢
Thank you.
简我从没跟别人说过
You know, Jane, I never tell this to anybody,
但我觉得我会成为下一个约翰尼·卡森
but I think I could be the next Johnny Carson
约翰尼·卡森喜剧明星
而且还能演电影
but also do movies.
你想啥呢
Ew, what?
约翰你能成为卡森·达利就谢天谢地了
John, you'll be lucky if you're Carson Daly
卡森·达利主持人
你只有去电影院的命
and you go to the movies.
简·鲍威尔·梦露我们还得多下功夫啊
Jane Bouvier Monroe, we have a lot more work to do.
立正挺胸
Posture. Bust out.
死鱼眼
Eyes dead.
这里是梦露慕兰尼和莫迪福的府邸
Monroe, Mulaney, Motif residence.
他干了什么
He did what?
他竟然说你儿子是个热狗
He called your son a hot dog?
安德烈现在正在浴缸里哭
Andre's crying in the bath right now?
约翰·鲍威尔·慕兰尼
John Bouvier Mulaney,
我以为你没有那么坏
I expected more from you.
我猜我猜我猜猜猜
欢迎来到我猜我猜我猜猜猜
Welcome to Celebrity You Guessed it's roast
今天的吐槽会我们请来了卢·加侬及特别嘉宾
to Lou Cannon with special guests
巨石强森杰森·普雷斯利斯拉什
the rock, Jason Priestley, Slash,
以及汤姆·汉克斯的一条留言
and a polite text message from Tom Hanks.
真的来不了祝好运
欢迎卢·卡侬
And now, Lou Cannon!
大家好谢谢大家
Hey, yo! Thank you!
再热烈点
Oh, come on!
真是太厉害了罗恩·杰里米
Wow, way to kick it off, Ron Jeremy.
我不仅被吐槽了还被"奥"黑了
Now I've been roasted and shaq'd.
爱你大家伙
Love you, big guy.
这就是杰森·普雷斯利
Jason Priestley, everybody.
"我欠你的伙计" 出自《新飞越比弗利》
From 90210 to "I owe you one, bro."
我们马上回来
We'll be back...
你肯定能引爆全场宝贝
You're gonna kill this, baby boy.
你觉得对卢的父母开玩笑
So you don't think it's too mean
不算太过分吗
to make a joke about Lou's parents?
不他们又没在看
No! They ain't watching.
他们已经死了
They dead.
记住你是热狗他是牛排
Remember, hot dog. Steak.
下一位嘉宾不是什么大人物
My next guest is not a big name yet,
但在我心里他就是个巨星
but he's a big star in my heart,
我觉得请他过来肯定很好玩
and I thought it would be fun to have him up here.
我的小宝贝约翰·慕兰尼
My protege, John Mulaney.
谢谢谢谢大家
Thank you. Thank you.
卢·加侬太老了...
You know, Lou Cannon is so old that--
效果不是很好
That did not go well.
你怎么敢这么跟我说话
How dare you talk to me this way?
你觉得我很老吗
You think I'm old?
老家伙会化这么浓的妆吗
Would an old man wear this much makeup?
我相信他会原谅你的
I'm sure he'll get over it.
我决不会原谅你
I will never get over this.
永远不会
Ever!
该死
Damn.
罗恩·杰瑞米都被恶心跑了
Ron Jeremy is walking off in disgust.
你肯定越过了底线
You must have really crossed a line.
你怎么会越过底线的
How do you cross that line?
不卢又给我发了一条信息
Oh, no, another text from Lou
他以为这是推特
that he thought was a Tweet.
"为什么我的好基友对我这么刻薄
"Why do bffs have to be so mean?
#刻薄
"#mean,
#推特"
#twitter."
斯拉什看上去怎么就没啥变化呢
Slash has looked the same forever.
你不是说卢不会介意吗
I thought you said that Lou wasn't gonna get offended.
是啊所以才说不通啊
I know, man. Doesn't make sense.
等等
Wait.
我好像知道是怎么回事了
Oh, I think I know what happened.
我们开始假设你比卢地位低
We assumed you were lower status
因为你是个无名小卒
because you're a nobody
不出名又长得对不起人♥民♥群众
with no credits and an awkward persona.
这话我们没说过吧
I don't think we said all that.
但是一旦涉及年龄
But when it comes to age,
你就占优势了
you're higher status.
你还有大好的前程呢
Your whole career is in front of you.
说得对
Oh, you're right.
我可能是热狗但也是年轻的热狗
I may be a hot dog, but I'm a young hot dog.
卢可能是牛排但是
And Lou is a steak, but, you know,
他这块牛排可能担心
he might be a steak who's afraid
自己已经风光不在了
that his best days are behind him.
除非他像球芽甘蓝一样
Unless he has a big food resurgence
迎来第二次春天
like brussels sprouts,
就跟贝蒂·怀特一样
AKA Betty White.
她80岁出头的时让事业再次复活
凭其在《魅力克利夫兰》中的出色表现
获得了电视剧最佳女演员奖
晚上好先生们
Good evening, gentlemen.
你好简
Hi, Jane.
我今晚就要去跟普赖斯约会了
My date with Price is tonight.
她终于成为窈窕淑女了
And she's finally a lady.
谢谢奥斯卡
Oh, thanks, Oscar.
我嘞个去啊完蛋了
Bang my ass on a bus-- I am screwed.
怎么了
What's wrong?
普赖斯要带我去看电影
Price is taking me to a movie.
我肯定会睡着的
I'm gonna fall asleep.
各位那是场三小时的纪录片
You guys, it's a three-hour documentary
说的是扎伊尔的佐夫叛军
about the zufu rebels of Zaire.
这种没救的地方最无聊了
Nothing makes me more tired than hopeless regions.
-你知道的 -淡定点
- You know that. - Hey, don't panic.
你告诉他你不想去看电影就行了
Just tell him you don't want to go to the movie.
约翰不能那样
John, I can't do that.
我想让他知道我在乎他的兴趣爱好
I want to show him I care about his interests.
各位我不能继续单身了
You guys, I can't be single anymore.
现在凡事都靠短♥信♥了
Everything happens over text,
我英文拼写学得不好啊
and I don't spell well.
好别紧张淡定
Okay, relax, relax.
你想集中注意力看电影不打瞌睡吗
You want to stay awake and focus on the movie?
安德烈正在卖♥♥学习神药
Andre's having a sale on study pills.
要不你吃一片吧
What if you took one?
学习神药
Study pills?
这好像不是淑女应该吃的东西
Doesn't sound very ladylike.
未必
Not true.
五十年代的女人经常吃药
Ladies of the '50s always took pills.
我妈穿着高跟鞋打扫了整栋房♥子
My mother vacuumed the house in high heels.
那就是因为嗑嗨了
She was high out of her mind.
我给他发短♥信♥
I'll text him.
安德烈简需要...
"Hey, Andre, Jane needs"--
简需要什么
Jane needs what?
学习神药
Study pills.
好给你
Oh, yeah. Here you go, man.
你一路跑来的吗
Did you run all the over to our apartment?
不是啊
Oh, no.
我刚才就在门外偷听
I was just listening outside the door.
好我去了
All right. I'm going for it.
咱们婚礼教堂见
See you guys at the wedding chapel.
奥斯卡或许你可以帮我
Hey, Oscar, maybe you can help me.