木兰尼的人生（2014）

Mulaney S01E02

Part 1 April 13, 2021, 10:49 a.m.

只要一涉及怎么说来着
I can be uptight when it comes to--
人类身体我就会很紧张
what's it called-- the human body.
我有一次去做按♥摩♥
I was once getting a massage,
按♥摩♥师告诉我脱到舒服的程度
and the masseuse told me to undress to my comfort level.
那是她的原话
Those were her words.
她说"脱到你舒服的程度"
She said, "Undress to your comfort level."
于是我套了件运动衫穿了条灯芯绒裤
So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants,
感觉很有安全感
and I felt safe.
可以聊人的身体机能却不失礼貌这点很奇怪
It's weird what bodily functions are polite to talk about,
因为人类都要吃饭上厕所
because every human being eats and goes to the bathroom
做♥爱♥ 对吧但这三件事
and has sex, right, but of those three,
在礼貌交际中只能聊吃饭
only eating is acceptable to talk about in polite society,
如果你在别人吃饭的时候
and if you talk about the other two
聊另外两件事他们就会训斥你
while someone is eating, they'll reprimand you.
他们会说"我们正吃饭呢"
They'll be like, "Hey, we're eating here."
反过来就不会这样
That never works the other way around.
不会有人这样"我们今晚的特色菜"
No one's ever like, "For our specials tonight,
"是意大利饺子配海员沙司"
we have tortellini with marinara sauce,"
然后你说"拜托"
and you're like, "Do you mind?
"人家正打飞机呢"
I am trying to masturbate."
本片是当着很多观众现场实拍的知道吗
Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay?
今天会有32度
It's gonna be 90 degrees today.
昨晚的约会我走了三个街区
I walked three blocks on my date last night,
浑身湿透了就像一个为了
and I was sweating like a good southern lawyer
可怜人的自♥由♥据理力争的南方律师
arguing for the freedom of a poor man.
太热了
It's so hot.
莫迪福你修好了吗
Motif, did you fix it?
我正在给商店打电♥话♥
I'm on the phone with the store about it.
你好如果我有一台1977年的德罗宁空调
Hello? If I have a 1977 Delorean air conditioner
没有保修卡我也不是原主
with no warranty and I'm not the original owner,
那我能换一台新的吗
can I exchange that for a new one?
所以又跟那个导乐去约会了是吗
Hey, so you went out again with the doula, right?
-怎么样 -很有趣
- How was it? - It was really fun.
我很喜欢那个导乐我还喜欢导乐这个词
I like the doula a lot. I also like saying "Doula."
到底什么是导乐
What's a doula again?
导乐为女人在产前产中和产后提供
A doula provides women with physical and emotional support
身体和情绪方面的支持
before, during, and after labor.
就像是花钱找了个妈
It's like paying someone to be your mom.
那不就是助产士
I thought that was a midwife.
不不不导乐不是专业医护人员
No, no, no, doulas are not medical professionals.
助产士必须学习产科学的护理课程
Midwives have to go through nursing courses in midwifery.
产科学这词真搞笑
"Midwifery," that's a fun word to say.
听起来像是《唐顿庄园》里的哪个丑姑娘
Sounds like a ugly girl on Downton Abbey.
很高兴你喜欢那个导乐
Well, I'm glad you like the doula
-而且很尊重她的工作 -是的
- and that you respect her work. - I do.
每次我们谈到细枝末节的时候
I mean, I kind of change the subject
我就把话题岔开了
when we get into the nitty gritty.
细枝末节
"The nitty gritty"?
就是那方面的细节
You know, the actual details of--
一个女人把生命带到世界上来的细节吗
A woman bringing life into the world?
对怎么了
Yeah. What?
听到生孩子的细节我就发晕
Hearing about childbirth can make me really dizzy.
我可能会昏倒的
I can even faint.
这毛病是从七年级的时候
It all started in the seventh grade
我们看了《生命奇迹》的录像带开始的
when we watched the Miracle of Life video.
那些八十年代的演员
All those 1980s actors
还有他们的精♥子♥啊输卵管啊什么的
with their sperm and their fallopian tubes.
我昏倒了
I was out.
我醒来的时候躺在地板上
When I came to, I was lying on the floor,
看着一张勒瓦尔·布尔顿的海报
looking up at a poster of Levar Burton
上面写着"阅读"
that said, "Read."
你害怕阴♥道♥
You're afraid of vaginas.
我不怕我觉得它们挺好
I am not. I think they're great.
我对阴♥道♥的感觉就像我对美国的感觉
I feel about vaginas the way I do about America.
我爱它可是时不时的
I love it, but every once in a while,
它就要做点让我恶心的事
it does things that disgust me.
那阴♥茎♥就像朝鲜
And penises are like North Korea:
既惹人发笑又让人烦恼
Hilarious, yet worrisome.
我猜我猜我猜猜猜
现在我们开始第二轮抢钱
And now, let's move on to round two: Cash grab.
抢钱
我们的选手将在这一轮喊出他们想要的美元数额
Where our contestants shout out the number of dollars they want.
但首先让我们欢迎他们
But first, let's meet and greet, shall we?
你叫什么名字亲爱的
What's your name, darling?
我叫梅兰妮·摩尔我来自德克萨斯的普莱诺
I'm Melanie Moore. I'm from Plano, Texas.
你看这不太"普莱诺"
You don't look "Plano."
你应该来自德克萨斯的"萌萌诺"
You should be from "Cute-o," Texas.
你很漂亮
You're very beautiful.
我喜欢你的样子和身材
I like your face and your body.
你好玛丽·乔
Hey, Mary Jo.
这个节目问题大了
This show has a real problem.
没错
Oh, yeah.
虽然我在这里工作时间不长
I mean, I know I haven't worked here for long,
不过这个游戏根本没什么意义对吧
but the game makes no sense, right?
为什么要费心在第一轮答题呢
Like, why even bother answering questions in round one
反正在抢钱环节可以直接要钱
if you can just demand money in "Cash grab"?
不不是那个游戏没问题
No, not that. The game is fine.
我以前是《家庭问答》节目的舞台监督
I was stage manager on Family Feud.
你去那个夜间种族大战工作五年试试
You try working on that nightly race war for five years.
我是说卢这个麻烦
I mean we have a Lou problem.
他太喜欢调戏女人了这可不妙
He's getting too flirty with the women, it's not good.
凯西凯西凯西凯西
Kathy, Kathy, Kathy, Kathy.
我喜欢你化妆品的味道
I love how your makeup smells.
-听说你妈妈在观众席 -是的
- Hey, your mom's in the audience I'm told. - Yeah.
真有趣她妈妈
What fun. Hey, Mom?
站起来跟大家打个招呼吧
Stand up and take a bow, won't you?
转过去
Just turn around, and...
摸脚趾
Touch your toes a little.
他怎么回事啊
What is going on with him?
他几周前跟女朋友分手了
Well, he broke up with his girlfriend a couple weeks ago.
也许他有点欲求不满
Maybe he's a little, you know, unfulfilled.
我已经很久没见过这么饥渴的人了
I haven't seen anyone that horny since me at a rush concert.
女同事们不喜欢这样
Women on the crew don't like it.
就是这种事干翻了克♥林♥顿♥
It's stuff like this that brought down Clinton.
我当了八年共和党人
Cut to eight years of Republicans,
最后却流落到了喀布尔
and I end up in Kabul.
你以前是海军陆战队的
You were in the marines?
是的
Yes, I was.
谢谢你保家卫国
Thank you for your service.
不客气让卢冷静点行吗
No problem. Just get Lou cranked off, okay?
带他去喝杯啤酒搂着他
Take him out for a beer, throw your arm around him
对他说"你应该找个人上♥床♥"
and say, "You need to get laid."
不行我跟卢的关系
No, Lou and I do not have
还没好到那个程度
that kind of relationship yet,
所以我得另想办法
so I'm gonna need another solution.
有时候做节目时我们会雇一个女孩
Sometimes on a show, we'll hire a girl
叫她"创意制♥作♥人"
and call her "Creative producer."
这是对那些跟主持人上♥床♥的
It's a joke title for some skinny bitch
瘦婊♥子♥的戏称
the host has sex with.
那是我的头衔我就是创意制♥作♥人
That's my title. I'm the creative producer.
我知道我去看你的单口相声会让你觉得紧张
I know you were nervous about me coming to see your stand-up show
但你真的好有趣
but you were so funny.
谢谢
Thank you.
别听那个女士的
And don't listen to that one lady.
你才不是"又白又紧张怪得要死"
You're not "White, uptight, and wack as hell."
没关系以前就有人这么说我
Oh, it's fine. I've heard that before.
完全一样的字眼
Those exact words, in fact.
我也想好好笑笑
I needed a laugh too.
今天我导乐了一个很紧张的家庭生产
I doula-ed a really intense home birth today.
我很愿意听听
And I would love to hear about it,
不过你肯定不能破坏病人跟导乐之间的保密协定吧