木兰尼的人生（2014）

Mulaney S01E06

Part 2 April 13, 2021, 10:51 a.m.

and I don't want to let the man down.
倒下倒下倒下倒下
Man down, man down, man down...
有人倒下了有人倒下了
Man down! Man down!
有人倒下了
Man down!
卢不
Lou, no!
恐怖片
The horror.
不
No!
好吧我得走了
Okay, well, I'm gonna go.
好的回见
All right, see you later.
您好我是为了参加劳军表演来的
Hi, I was told to see you about signing up for a USO show?
当然了表演一下才艺吧
Sure, show me what you got.
这是面试吗
Oh, it's an audition?
我还以为你会表现出
I was under the impression it was more of a, you know,
"幸亏你来了"的表情呢
"thank God you're here" type thing.
是让我开始吗
Start?
好吧大家好
Okay. Hey, everybody.
鸣自♥由♥钟宣告独♥立♥宣言的签署
大家觉得自♥由♥钟怎么样
Uh, how about the liberty bell?
将爱国情操扯到这种东西上真的很奇怪
Uh, that's a weird thing to be patriotic about.
毕竟它上面有个大大的裂痕
It has got this big crack in it.
就好像我们和英国的战争旷日持久
It's--it's like we fight this long war with England
我们终于赢得了独♥立♥
for our independence and then we get it,
而我们做的第一件事竟然是破坏一样好东西
and the first thing we do is break something nice.
好东西
Something nice.
还有什么
What else, uh...
有人喜欢满堂红[纸牌游戏术语]吗
Uh, full house fans here?
因为我不再是五岁小儿了
'Cause I'm no longer five years old.
童年大不相同了
Childhood's different.
那个猫的表情就像在说"别逼我开口"
And the cat's like, "don't get me started."
这是照应了之前那个关于猫的笑话...
And that's a callback to the cat joke from--
谢谢参与
Thank you.
结果我们会通知你的
We'll let you know.
好的
Okay.
房♥间里真的很"冷" 做好准备
Really cold room. Be prepared.
能在这里做单口相声真是太棒了
It is nice here doing stand-up 'cause normally,
因为如果平常我周围都是带枪的人的话
when I'm around this many white dudes with guns,
我早就吓得坐在地上了
my ass is on the floor.
我的大黑屁♥股♥早就和大地亲密接触了
You hear me? You hear-- my black ass is on the ground.
你还记得你们抓到奥萨玛的时候吗
Hey, you remember when y'all caught Osama?
他们称之为"一次大胆的夜间突袭"
They called that "a daring nighttime raid."
而在我老家他们称之为顺路一击
Where I'm from they call that a drive-by shooting, right?
就像是"等等开慢点开慢点"
Like, "hold on, slow down. Slow down.
"我看见奥萨玛在那里
"I see Osama right there.
我要去抓他了"
I'm about to get him good,"
-你知道我在说什么吗 -快停下
- You know what I mean? - Stop, stop!
去杀了他兄弟
Go kill him, baby.
-我要笑尿了 -没错
- I'm gonna pee my pants! - That's right.
我这周末就要去往前线了
Well, shipping off to the front this weekend.
你的表演是在迈阿密好吗
You're doing a show in Miami.
简直不敢相信你被劳军联合组织选中了
I can't believe you got picked for USO
而我却还得二次面试
and I have to audition again.
我正在写一些更合军人胃口的段子
I'm trying to write jokes that are more military friendly.
比如说
Like uh...
为什么我们公♥寓♥里会有一条三腿军犬
Why did a three-legged army dog walk into the apartment?
我也不知道为什么会我的天
Oh, I don't know, why did the three-- Oh, my God.
你们都见过富兰克林了啊
Hey, you met Franklin.
在伊♥拉♥克♥ 它救了我的命
He saved my life in Iraq.
它是我见过最酷的狗
He's the coolest dog I've ever seen.
只有三条腿的话它肯定身轻如燕吧
He only has three legs so he's light on his feet
就像一个三脚凳一样
like a tripod.
它一直陪着我
He's always by my side.
希望在海外退伍军人协会的时候它也能陪着我
I just wish he could stay with me at the VFW
而不用待在狗屋里但是
instead of a kennel, but--
我们会替你照看它的
Well, we'll watch him for you.
为了海军陆战队我们会好好照顾它
For the the marines.
因为坚信爱国主义所以我们觉得
You know, after buying patriotic coins,
至少我们可以通过这种方式报效祖国
it's the absolute least we can do for our country.
好的那我去安置一下它
Okay. I'll get him set up then.
来吧兄弟
Come on, buddy.
查得真是太棒了
How great is Chad?
我终于意识到我的问题就在于
You know, I've realized the problem is
我一直和那些自认为自己是
I've been dating all these scrawny beta males
上天赐给女人礼物的次品男约会
who think they're God's gift to women
而他们只不过长得像杰西·艾森伯格而已
just 'cause they look like Jesse Eisenberg.
而真正的好男人是朗格
The real nice guys are the Lundgrens,
史泰龙施瓦辛格
the Stallones, and the Schwarzeneggers.
真正的好男人都是《敢死队》中的人啊
Oh! The real nice guys are the Expendables.
那些开着车去攻击敢死队的人
Whoever drove the van to set on the expendables
大概不会同意你的说法
would probably disagree with you.
查得我要去参加劳军联合组织的面试
Hey, Chad, I'm about to audition for the USO.
你能给我的段子提点建议吗
Would you mind telling me what you think of my joke delivery?
我又不是个喜剧演员
I'm not really a comedian.
不是个喜剧演员
"Not a comedian."
每个女孩都渴望听到这几个有魔力的字
Those three magic words every girl longs to hear.
当然不是你可以站在军人的角度提意见
No, but I mean, as a soldier.
比如我说举个不好的例子好了
You know, like if I said, you know, bad example uh,
为什么鸡会过马路
"why did the chicken cross the road?"
也许你可以站直点
I guess you could stand up straighter.
-声音大点 -好的
- And project more. - All right.
为什么鸡会过马路
Why did the chicken cross the road?
听不到你在说什么
I can't hear you.
为什么鸡会...
Why did the chicken--
大声点孬种
Louder, maggot!
为什么鸡会过马路
Why did the chicken cross the road?
废柴才会提问题孬种
Questions are for losers, maggot!
孬种新绰号♥
Maggot. Bam, new nickname.
-鸡会过马路 -什么
- Okay, uh, the chicken crossed the road. - What?
我想回家了我想我妈妈
I wanna go home. I miss my mom.
你妈妈听不到的
Your mama can't hear you.
她正坐在吊床上喝冰茶
She's drinking iced tea in a hammock
而你正处于水深火热中
and you are in hell.
现在回答我为什么鸡会过马路
Now why did the chicken cross the road?
因为它们要去街对面
To get to the other side!
街对面有谁
Who was on the other side?
敌人
The enemy.
鸡会对它们的敌人做什么
And what did chickens do to their enemies?
就算手无缚鸡之力它们也会把敌人杀死
They killed them with their bare chicken-hands!
你说得对它们就是这样做的
You're damn right they do!
现在去面试
Now go audition!
是长官长官是
Yes, sir! Sir, yes, sir!
没错我又被拒绝了
Yeah, I got rejected again.
拜托了卢
Come on, Lou.
如果你去迈阿密劳军联表演
If you do the USO show in Miami,
他们就会让我帮你开场的
they'll let me open for you.
就是一场秀而已还可以免费得个杯子
It's just one show. You get a free cup.
我有自己的杯子
I already own a cup.
约翰我不会去的知道了吗
Look, John, just drop it, okay?
谢谢
Thank you.
这是怎么回事
What did I do?
世界上有只两件事你不能问卢
There are only two things you don't ask Lou about.
一是劳军联二是他在艾伦秀上被逼脱上衣
The USO and the time he had to take his shirt off on Ellen.
加侬先生
Mr. Cannon?
加侬先生
Mr. Cannon?
怎么了不好意思
What? Oh, sorry.
不对答案是C 蕾哈娜
Uh, no. The answer is "C." Rihanna.
你还没问我问题呢
You didn't ask me a question yet.
还没问吗
I didn't?
反正答案是蕾哈娜
Well, it was Rihanna.
加分题你能说出五首她的歌♥吗
Okay, for an extra point, can you name five of her songs?
-好《癫狂》 -对
- Okay, um, Disturbia. - Yes.
-《伞》 -正确
- Um, Umbrella. - Correct, sir.