木兰尼的人生（2014）
Mulaney
第一季
剧集 | 木兰尼的人生（2014） | 导航列表
木兰尼的人生（2014）
Mulaney S01E01
Part 1
April 13, 2021, 10:49 a.m.
慕兰尼
不过长大真是件怪事
Growing up is weird, though.
比如我现在三十岁了
Like I'm 30 now,
人生出现了新的现象
and I have this new phenomenon in my life where,
我深夜走在大街上时
late at night, when I'm on the street,
女人看我的样子就好像我会有威胁似的
women will look at me like I'm a threat.
是啊 真好笑
Yeah, that is funny.
而且很奇怪 因为我自己还怕被绑♥架♥呢
It's also weird, because I'm still afraid of being kidnapped.
但有一次 我去赶往地铁
But once, I walking towards the subway
凌晨两点 去赶地铁
2:00 in the morning-- walking towards the subway,
我前面有个女人
and there was this woman in front of me,
她独自走着 但她一直
and she was walking alone, but she kept giving me,
像这样回头看我
like, the "Over the shoulder," like that.
然后她突然越走越快
And then she started to walk a lot faster.
于是我想 她一定是听到地铁来了
So I thought, oh, she must hear the train coming.
或者她就像某部电影里的
Or maybe she feels it in her feet
印第安人一样用脚感觉到了
like a native American in a movie.
于是我开始向地铁冲刺过去
So I started to sprint towards the subway at her,
她回头看着我叫了起来"啊"
and she looked back and she was like, "Aah!"
然后她也跑了起来 于是我们
And then she gives chase, so now we're booking it
在凌晨两点你追我赶奔向地铁
towards the subway at 2:00 in the morning,
我在追她 我在追她
and I'm gaining on her. And I'm gaining on her,
然后我们跑进了地铁过道的尽头
and we're getting to the end of the subway hallway,
她进了那条"死胡同"
and she goes into that "Dead end shuffle,"
女人被追赶时总会那样
you know, that women do when you chase 'em,
我就快追上她了 就快追上她了
and I'm almost at her. I'm almost at her,
然后我突然明白了 "原来她是在躲我啊
and then it dawns on me, "Oh, she's running from me,
"因为在她眼中 我是个成人
"because in her eyes, I'm an adult.
成人都爱杀来杀去的"
And adults murder each other."
所以我打算走上前去对她说
So I wanted to go up to her and be like,
"别闹了 我又不是大人"
"Hey, no, I'm not a man."
不过我想那样也很吓人
But I think that that would be equally creepy...
如果凌晨两点你在地铁站
Is if you were in a subway at 2:00 in the morning
我追上来抓着你说
and I chased you down, grabbed you and said,
"我不会杀你的 我是个小男孩"
"I'm not gonna kill you. I'm a little boy."
本片是当着很多观众现场实拍的 知道吗
Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay?
谢谢你跟我一起来 莫迪福
Thanks for coming with me, Motif.
别客气 反正我没事
It's no problem, I was free.
我能做你的紧急联络人吗
Hey, can I be your emergency contact?
行啊 通常我都写的我妈
Yeah, I mean, I normally put my mom,
不过既然我们是室友 就这么干吧
but I guess we're roommates. Let's do it.
对我来说也是个很好的推广机会
It's also good promotion for me.
记住 别写我的电♥话♥
Matter of fact, don't put my phone number down,
写网址 三达不溜点纽约笑星莫迪福点扣姆
put down my web site: www.thecomedianmotifnyc.com.
写上他们应该跳过我的简介
Oh, and write down they should skip my intro.
好吧
Yeah.
好啦 为什么我要来看医生
All right. Why am I at the doctor?
"尿频" 这个幌子不错
Oh, "frequent urination." That's a good fake reason.
我以为你是想让医生给你开点阿普唑仑[镇静剂]
I thought you wanted to ask the doctor for Xanax.
是没错 但我不能直接跑来
Well, I do, but I can't just come right out
让医生给我开阿普唑仑啊 莫迪福
and ask a doctor for Xanax, Motif.
要是对医生说实话就有点太可疑了
Looks shady when you're honest with doctors.
我得编个理由来这里
I need to make up a reason to be here
让医生给我检查一番
and then let the doctor check me out
等他检查完了 我再无意地说
and then when he's done I say offhandedly,
你知道吗
"Oh, and you know what?
有时候我在飞机上会觉得紧张
Sometimes I get nervous on airplanes."
阿普唑仑到手
Bam, Xanax.
话说你到底需要阿普唑仑干嘛
What do you need Xanax for anyway?
我总是很紧张 任何情况
I'm anxious all the time, like, in every situation.
比如 我最近注意到
Like, I've noticed lately,
这是我通常的说话声
this is my regular speaking voice.
可如果我在公共浴室
I go into a whole different speaking voice
突然有人敲门
when I'm in a public bathroom
我就会变成完全不同的声音
and someone suddenly knocks on the door,
就像这样
and that voice is,
里面有人
"Someone's in here!
里面有人呦
Someone's in here!"
感觉就好像
As if they're gonna be like,
我以为里面有个拉客的
"Oh, I think there's a carnival barker in there.
我以为有人在给嘉年华揽客呢
"I think someone's trying to drum up business for a carnival."
再加上今天我要去见卢·加侬
Plus today, I have a meeting with Lou Cannon.
没错 电视台的卢·加侬
That's right! TV's Lou Cannon.
电视台的卢·加侬
TV's Lou Cannon.
你要是拿到给他写东西这份活儿 那你就发了
You get a job with him writing, you're set!
那家伙才华横溢 而且很有钱
That dude is so talented, he's rich!
是啊 所以更让我紧张了
Yeah, all the more reason to be anxious.
我有没有跟你说过我新写的笑话
Oh, did I tell you about this new joke I wrote?
-说来听听 -好 好 好
- What's the joke? - Okay, okay, okay.
是关于世上有女人...
It's about like how there's, like, women...
但是还有"事儿妈"
But then, there are, like, problem bitches.
这就没了
Is there more?
-目前就这么多 -好吧
- That's all I have so far. - All right.
我才不是疯子
I am not crazy!
你好 简
Hi, Jane.
为什么你要走进房♥间大喊"我才不是疯子"
Why are you walking into rooms yelling, "I am not crazy?"
太不公平了好吗
It's not fair, okay?
一个男人想要毁掉一个女人
When a guy wants to destroy a woman,
他只需要说她是疯子就行了
all he has to do is call her crazy,
哪怕她完全有理由愤怒
even if she has every right to be angry.
男人也会被说是疯子
Hey, men get called crazy too.
没错 可是人们喜欢男人发疯
Yeah, but people like it when a man's crazy.
我们有克里斯丁·贝尔像疯子一样嚎叫的录音
We have recordings of Christian Bale screaming like a lunatic,
人们却喜欢得很
and people are impressed.
他们觉得"天 他对他的事业真有激♥情♥"
They're like, "Oh, my God, he's so passionate about his process."
同时却有凯瑟琳·海格尔很难搞的传言
Meanwhile there is a rumor that Katherine Heigl is difficult,
好想她死了一样
and she's, like, dead.
谁管你叫疯子 简妮
So who called you crazy, Janey?
达斯汀给他新泡的妹子发邮件
Dustin emailed that new girl he's dating
邮件里说"我前任是个疯子"
and was like, "My ex-girlfriend is crazy."
你怎么会看到那封邮件的
And how did you see that email?
-他应该改密♥码♥ -我的天
- He...should change...his password. - Oh, my God.
你以后别那么干了
You have got to stop that stuff.
会被逮住的 太不负责任了
You're gonna get caught. It's so irresponsible.
现在 我要去对医生撒谎
Now then, I have to go lie to this doctor
这样我就能在面试之前嗑足药了
so that I am drugged-up enough for my job interview.
马上回来
I'll be back.
慕兰尼先生 你每天排尿几次
So, Mr. Mulaney, how many times a day are you urinating?
11次
11.
太扯了 是吧 但有什么办法呢
Crazy, right? But what can you do?
说起来 大夫啊 有时我在飞机上
Anyway, doctor, sometimes, on airplanes, I've been--
等等 你每天排尿11次吗
W-wait, hold on, you're urinating 11 times a day?
是不是说的太多了
Was that too many times to say?
可能是你的前列腺问题
Sounds like the problem could be in your prostate.
帮个忙 过来
Do me a favor, come over here...
脱裤子
Drop your pants.
跟我想的有点不一样啊
Oh, this isn't what I thought.
也许我该走了 我还有个面试
I should probably get going. I have a job interview.
慕兰尼先生 你每天的排尿次数太夸张了
Mr. Mulaney, you are peeing an alarming number of times a day.
不做前列腺检查我是不会让你离开这里的
There is no way you're leaving here without a prostate exam.
不是手扶 要用肘部支撑
Oh, not on your hands, on your elbows.
-我... -就这样
- Oh, I-- - There we go.
其实 我更喜欢之前那样站着
I liked the way I was standing before, actually.
感觉更有尊严
It had more dignity to it.
好啦 你会感觉到有一点压力
All right, now, you're going to feel a little pressure.
我就知道可能会这样
I guess this might as well happen.
成年人的人生真是诡异
Adult life is so weird.
医生 有时候我会觉得紧...
Oh, and doctor, sometimes I get nervous on--
你让医生做了什么
You let the doctor do what?
算了 你不会理解的
Never mind. You wouldn't understand.
木兰尼的人生（2014）
Mulaney
剧集 | 木兰尼的人生（2014） | 导航列表