天生冤家（2015）

The Odd Couple S02E02

Part 3 March 5, 2021, 12:49 p.m.

你也堵死了我们唯一的一条消防逃生通道
you have also blocked our only fire exit.
相信你也同意畅通无阻的通道更加重要吧
And I'm sure you will agree that clear egress is more important, so...
费里斯不会发生火灾的
Felix. There is not going to be a fire.
-火就在那里啊 -什么
- Fire right there! - What?
你身后有火啊
Fire behind you!
费里斯
Felix,
别吓我行不行
don't trying to scare me.
我没有故意吓你
I'm not trying to scare you.
但担心杀人犯实在是太愚蠢了
But it's silly to be worried about murderers...
数据显示我们被大火活活烧死的可能性
when statistically, we're 44 times more likely
是被谋杀的45倍
to be burned alive in a fire.
所以你是说我蠢咯
Oh. So I'm being silly?
只是从数据上来讲而已
Only statistically.
不过幸运的是
Well, fortunately,
你会很安全的因为...
you'll be safe, because it's...
你那边那么潮湿
too wet on your side of the room
根本不可能着火的
for a fire to actually take hold, Mister...
最高档加湿器先生
Humidifier at Full Blast.
等你那边变成干燥易燃物的时候
Well, don't come crying to me when your side of the bed
可别来找我哭哦
goes up like dry kindling!
如果起火了你不会救我吗
You wouldn't save me in a fire?
我不是这个意思但既然我们谈到这点了
That's not what I said, but while we're on the subject,
我很开心你可以睡离门更远的那边
I like that you get to sleep on the far side of the bed
这样杀人犯一进来就可以先杀我了真体贴啊
so that the murderers can get to me first. Real nice.
所以你承认会有杀人犯咯
So you admit that there is a murderer.
我只是在假设
I'm being hypothetical!
别担心他还没走到你床边就该被淹死了
Don't worry, because he will drown before he gets to you.
那你还何必搬那把椅子
Then there's no reason... to move the chair!
你知道吗咱俩真睡不到一起去
You know what? This isn't working.
你走吧
Maybe you should just go.
好我走
Maybe I should.
虽然我不知道要去哪儿我又不能回奥斯卡那里
But I don't know where. I can't go back to Oscar's.
我才不在乎你去哪儿
I don't care where you go.
拜托你赶紧走好让我好好睡觉
Just leave so I can get some sleep
我受不了你的那些破机器
without your-your machines
还有你的呼吸练习了
and your breathing exercises.
是我受不了你清嗓子还有你的莫名其妙吧
Or your throat rattling, or your crazy, irrational fears.
我莫名其妙
I'm irrational?
你还带了个备用急救箱呢
You have a second aid kit.
万一主急救箱坏了呢
In case the first one fails.
神啊但愿是警♥察♥来了
Oh, God, I hope it's the police.
你好啊
Hi. How are you?
看看我
Ha! Check me out!
我就是古代神话里的床单男
I'm one of those ancient sheet guys!
莫夫你在搞什么
Murph! What the hell?
兄弟我知道如果是马的话会更酷
Yeah, I know, dude-- a horse would've been way cooler,
但那个警♥察♥不肯把马给我
but the cop refused to get off of it.
你知道大厦管理会看到这个会有什么后果吗
Do you know what would happen to me if the condo board saw this?
赶紧把这玩意弄出去
You got to get this thing out of here now.
好吧好吧
Fine, fine.
驾
Hyah!
对不起嘛
I'm sorry, man.
我以为你是想开个疯狂派对的
Thought you wanted a wild party.
我是想啊
I do. I... do.
承认吧你已经受不了这玩意了
Just admit it-- this isn't you anymore.
你什么意思泰迪是说我老了吗
What are you trying to say, Teddy, that I'm getting old?
没也许是你玩腻派对了这没关系啊
No. But maybe this is getting old-- which is okay.
是你前进了成熟了
You've moved on; you're more mature.
我才没有闭嘴你才成熟呢
No, I'm not. Shut up! You're mature!
看我打破我的酒桶倒立纪录吧你
In fact, watch me break my keg stand record.
莫夫来帮我
Murph, spot me!
我来了兄弟
Oh, I gotcha, buddy.
奥斯卡奥斯卡奥斯卡
Oscar! Oscar! Oscar!
奥斯卡奥斯卡
Oscar! Oscar!
姑娘们你们来啦
Oh, ladies! You made it!
奥斯卡你没事吧
Oscar, you-you all right?
今晚就到此为止吧
Let's call it a night.
还有记得打120
Also, let's call 911.
没事丹妮我来开
No, no, Dani. I'll get it.
奥斯卡她把我赶出来了你能收留我吗
Oscar, she kicked me out. Can I stay with you?
怎么从来就没点好事呢
How come good history never repeats itself?
抱歉
I'm sorry.
我知道你想一人独占公♥寓♥
I know you wanted the apartment to yourself,
所以我一直在电梯里蹦跶小步小步地蹦
so I've been pacing in the elevator-- short paces.
你在打扫卫生啊
You're actually cleaning up.
拿我的裤子当抹布
With my pants.
你的裤子比较能吸啤酒
Yeah, they really sop up beer.
别担心等我擦完我会给你叠好的
But don't worry, I'm gonna fold them when I'm done.
怎么派对这么早就结束了
What happened to the party?
我受不了了
I broke it up.
我已经不能像从前一样整晚嗨了
Turns out I can't party all night like I used to.
你知道这都怪谁吗
And you know who I blame?
你
You.
跟我有什么关系
Why me?
你刚搬进来的时候
When you first came here,
人生一败涂地
you were a wreck.
而现在你找了个女朋友
But now you've got a girlfriend,
前途一片光明
you're moving forward.
再看看我
And look at me:
只要一有机会
the first chance I get,
我就瞬间变回原来的自己
I go running back to who I was.
但问题是
But the problem is,
我现在回不去了
I can't go running back to who I was,
因为我也成长了那么一丢丢
because I think I've grown up a little bit, too.
所以呢
So...
多谢你了啊贱♥人♥
thanks a lot, you jerk.
真悲哀这是我今晚
Sadly, that is the nicest thing
听到的最贴心的话了
that anybody has said to me tonight.
啊怎么了
Why? What happened?
稍等
Well...
艾米丽做了些奇葩事
Emily's got all these crazy things,
我也做了些奇葩事
and they butt up against my crazy things,
然后我俩都很尴尬
and then we both got embarrassed
最后不欢而散
and defensive and it got ugly,
本来一切都好好的结果让我毁了
and everything was perfect and I ruined it.
不这不能怪你
Nah, you didn't ruin anything.
你不过是见识到了真正的艾米丽
You're just finally getting to know the real Emily.
真正的艾米丽
Oh, the real Emily?
你说谁会在推特上关注Hello Kitty啊
Who follows Hello Kitty on Twitter?
你得学会接纳她的缺点
You have to learn to accept her flaws.
再说了我们也没脸说人家啊
And who are we to judge?
我还关注蝙蝠侠呢
I follow Batman.
要是她没法接受我的怪癖呢
But what if she can't accept all of my weirdness?
我前妻就接受无能
I mean, my ex couldn't.
这就不一定了
Well, there's no guarantees.
你俩都是人吵架什么的都是常事
You're both humans, it's bound to get messy.
你知道我不擅长处理这些事奥斯卡
You know how I am with mess, Oscar.
我懂
Yes, I do.
她很生气要是闹分手怎么办
What if she won't take me back? She was very upset.
不会的
Of course she will.
回去找她跟她说
Just go back there and tell her...
你会一直陪着她
tell her you're there for her.
谢谢你奥斯卡
Thank you, Oscar.
把她追回来兄弟
Go get her, buddy.
到底发生了什么
What happened?
你把这作成这样居然一点都不记得了
You don't remember doing all of this?
狂野丹妮啊你又干啥了
Oh, Wild Dani, what'd you do, girl?
真抱歉奥斯卡
Oh, I'm so sorry, Oscar.
我来收拾吧
Let me clean it up.
好那就交给你了晚安
Well, if you insist. Good night.