大嘴巴（2017）

The following is a paid advertisement from Guy Bilzerian.
以下是来自盖伊·比尔泽恩的付费广♥告♥
It is not approved by the New York Bar Association.
其未经纽约律师协会批准
I'm Guy Bilzerian, attorney at law and family man.
我叫盖伊·比尔泽恩 我是一名顾家的律师
But I will happily abandon my family
但是为了给你弄到应得的离婚赔偿
to get you the divorce settlement you deserve.
我情愿抛弃自己的家庭
You might know me from my bench ads, my three delinquent sons,
或许你在长椅广♥告♥见过我 听三个不争气的儿子
or my twice-institutionalized wife.
或是两次进精神病院的妻子说起过我
But I want you to know me as your first line of defense
但我希望你们把我当成面对混♥蛋♥前夫前妻的
against bitch ex-wives and asshole ex-husbands,
第一道防线
'cause I play both sides of the coin.
因为这两个角色我都担当过
It's the law, not magic,
这是法律而非魔术的作用
and anyone who does magic is a disappointment to his father.
而表演魔术的人总会让父亲失望
Call me today, because marriage is a sham and love dies.
给我打电♥话♥ 因为婚姻是骗局 爱情注定逝去
Let's bury the body together.
让我们共同埋葬爱情与婚姻
Jay, keep rolling. Dad oh, shit!
杰伊 接着拍 爸 糟糕
We know you threw a party
我们知道 我们去参加你们爸爸的
while we were at your father's cardiology conference.
心脏病学会议的时候 你们在家里办派对
We have half a mind not to give you these T-shirts.
我们有意不给你们这些T恤
But it was just a few people.
只是邀请了几个朋友而已
Jud, Leah, you're grounded for three weeks.
贾德 利亚 你们被禁足三周
Three weeks? That's ridiculous.
三周 太扯了
Make it four. I'm writing my manifesto.
四周得了 我去写个宣言
What a work ethic on this kid. Wait, do I not get punished?
这孩子多有职业道德 等等 不惩罚我吗
Nicky, you're my sweet little pumpkin.
小尼 你是我的小可爱
You're not responsible. Mom, I'm not a pumpkin.
你没有责任 妈 我不是小可爱
Well, you're my baby I'm not a baby.
那你就是我的小宝宝 我也不是宝宝
Besides, you can't be grounded.
而且 你不能被禁足
You need to dance with me at Jessi's bat mitzvah.
你得在杰西的成人仪式上和我跳舞
And save a dance for me, too.
还要跟我跳一支舞
Did you know that if you raise the roof, when they do that,
你知道吗 他们举起手臂欢呼的时候
then you can lower your arms and it's hugging arms.
你可以把胳膊放低 那就是拥抱的姿势了
Kids, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news,
孩子们 很抱歉由我来宣布这个坏消息
but we've all discussed it, and the parents agree
但是经过讨论 家长们一致同意
that neither of you are ready to be in a relationship.
你俩都还没准备好谈恋爱
What? But we are ready!
什么 我们准备好了
We just won't lie to you anymore.
我们不想再跟你们说谎了
And what about the mons pushing?
你们揉阴♥阜♥是怎么回事
What the hell's a mons? Oh, we don't need
阴♥阜♥是什么 我们不要这么...
A mons push is a preamble to sexual intercourse.
揉阴♥阜♥是性♥交♥的前戏
Mom! Oh, God, our son is a deviant.
妈 天啊 我的儿子真是离经叛道
What'd you do to her, you pervert? Corrupting this little girl.
你这个变♥态♥对她做了什么 你腐化了这个小女孩
Look at her, she's a child.
看看她 还是个孩子
But she's six months older than me.
但是她比我还大六个月呢
Know what they do to pedophiles in the big house?
你知道恋童癖在监狱里会怎么样吗
Okay... Shank 'em in the shower
好吧 他会在洗澡的时候被打
and turn their pee into wine. That's what they do.
尿都会变成血 就会这样
We just think the kids need to stop seeing each other.
我们只是觉得这俩孩子不能再见面了
Missy, let's go. I'm sorry.
我们走吧 米西 对不起
Goodbye, Andrew. Goodbye, Missy.
再见 安德鲁 再见 米西
No! Missy!
不要 米西
Why don't you go outside,
你怎么不出去
push that mons of yours against the lawnmower?
把你的阴♥阜♥抵在割草机上爽一爽呢
It's nighttime. Isn't that when you perverts go out?
已经是晚上了 你们变♥态♥不都是晚上出门吗
I finally agree to let your dumbass friends
我终于同意让你那些蠢朋友
play Jessi's bat mitzvah
参加杰西的成人仪式
and they back out at the last minute? Chill, Shannon.
他们却在最后一刻打退堂鼓 冷静 香农
You know what makes a woman not want to chill, Greg?
你知道有什么会让女人无法冷静吗 格雷格
Having a man tell her to chill.
那就是叫她冷静的男人
I can't believe my mom.
真不敢相信我妈在干嘛
She kisses some lady on the street, now she's being mean to Dad?
她在街上亲了个女人 现在又对我爸这么刻薄
That is fucked up, but who is the lady?
太糟了 但那个女人是谁
I don't know. I never even thought about that.
不知道 我都没想那些
The party is tomorrow!
仪式就在明天
We all know that, everyone knows that!
我们知道 人人都知道
Guys, stop yelling. Honey, we're not yelling.
爸妈 别吵了 亲爱的 我们没在吵
We're discussing the logistics for the best day of your life.
我们在讨论后勤工作 那可是你最重要的一天
Best day of your life?
最重要的一天
Your parents keep fighting,
你♥爸♥妈一直吵架
you got a big ol' pimple percolatin' on your forehead,
你额头上长了颗大粉刺
and crooked Shannon forced you to buy that dress
而香农不知道怎么想的 给你买♥♥那条裙子
that makes your torso look boxy. You don't like the dress?
显得你四四方方 你不喜欢那条裙子吗
It doesn't work! It never worked!
一点都不喜欢 这样可不行
I hate my life, and I hate my dress!
我的人生烂透了 这条裙子烂透了
The dress looks great.
裙子看上去棒极了
Just take a deep breath and relax.
深呼吸 放松
You know what makes a person not want to relax, Shannon?
你知道有什么会让人无法冷静吗 香农
Nice turn. Shut up, Dad!
说得好 你闭嘴吧 爸
Burn the house to the ground!
把房♥子烧光
Use the boxy dress as kindling.
拿那条方形裙子当引火物
It's so annoying. She treats me like I'm a little kid.
太烦了 她拿我当小孩一样
You are a little kid. I saw your dick, remember?
你就是个小孩 我见过你的鸡鸡 记得吗
You guys could be prosecuted for that. Where, in ghost court?
可以用这话起诉你们了 在幽灵法庭吗
Ghost Court, that's a good idea for a TV show!
幽灵法庭 这主意拍电视剧不错
Nick, you got to contact my agent, Jew Fishman.
尼克 你得联♥系♥我的经纪人 朱·菲什曼
He'll work out the details.
细节由他决定
Hi, sweetie. Just wanted to say good night.
亲爱的 我只是来说句晚安
Actually, I don't really feel comfortable
其实 我觉得亲你的嘴唇
kissing you on the lips anymore.
不太合适
Is that okay?
好吗
Okay, sure. Yeah, of course.
当然
Um, how about I just tuck you in,
那我帮你掖被子
kiddo, okay, and I'll be on my way?
然后就走 怎么样
You know, I actually think I got it.
其实 我觉得我可以自己掖被子
Just gotta pull the blanket up a bit.
把毯子拉上来一点就好了
Okay, great, fantastic.
好 棒极了
So... good night, Nicky. Nick.
那...晚安 小尼 尼克
I think I'd like you to call me Nick from now on.
我希望你从今开始叫我尼克
Okay, Nick.
好吧 尼克
Good night, Diane. Watch it.
晚安 黛安 当心
What the hell did you just do to your mama?
你刚刚对你妈做了什么啊
I'm setting some boundaries.
我在设定界线
That woman loves you unconditionally.
那个女人无条件地爱着你
When you were a baby, she made you personalized tittie cocktails.
你还是个婴儿的时候 她就给你定制咪♥咪♥鸡尾酒
Are you talking about breast feeding?
你是在说母乳喂养吗
Yecch! It's gross when you say it.
你这么说出来就很恶心了
I'm getting older, and I don't want to be babied anymore.
我长大了 不想再被当成小孩
I drank my mommy's boobie juice till I was 12 years old.
我直到12岁都在喝我妈的咪♥咪♥奶汁
And no woman ever measured up
没有女人像我
to the love of my life, my mommy.
此生至爱的母亲那样
Huge breasts!
胸部令人瞩目
What's wrong, my love?
怎么了 亲爱的
I feel like Nicky just broke up with me.
感觉像是小尼刚跟我分手了
He doesn't want me to tuck him in anymore,
他不想让我再帮他掖被子了
doesn't even want me to call him Nicky.
甚至都不想让我管他叫小尼
Diane, we have to let our baby bird leave the nest.
黛安 我们总得让小鸟离巢
I know, but-- but when he's gone,
我知道 但是...他走了之后
there will be no more babies to take care of.
就没有我可以照顾的小宝宝了
You can take care of me. You want me to dress up like a baby?
你可以照顾我呀 你想要我穿成婴儿那样吗
You're such a weird perv sometimes.
你有时候真是个奇怪的变♥态♥
Aww, you remember our vows, Mommy.
你还记得我们的誓言吧 妈咪
Oh, please, if you're so handicapped
拜托 你要真是个残废
maybe you shouldn't be driving!
就别开车了
We are so square. We look like a couple of Fig Newtons.
我们真是四四方方 看着就像是两个无花果酥
Hey, Jess. Hey, Cantor Dina.
小杰 康托·迪内尔
Really good vibes in this room. Yes!
这屋子里的氛围真不错
FYI, we're gonna begin the journey in five minutes.
供你参考 我们的旅程五分钟后开始
Okay. Or as we say in the theater,
好 或者按照剧院里的说法
"Thank you, five." Okay.
"五分钟 感谢" 好
You have to say it back to me.
你也得跟我说一遍
Thank you, five? Shalom.
五分钟 感谢 再见