大嘴巴（2017）

Sorry, you're the only gay person I know.
抱歉 我只认识你一个同性恋
I'm the only gay person you know you know.
是你知道的同性恋只有我一个
Why are we talking about this?
为什么要问这个
You think you're gay.
你也觉得自己是同性恋
What? No! No. Well, yeah. I'm not sure.
什么 不 我不确定
No, I can see it. I mean, you suck at being straight.
我能看出来你是 作为直男你太次了
Hi, Andrew, I just wanted to preemptively let you know
安德鲁 我只是想先告诉你
that I'm not interested in you.
我对你不感兴趣
And may I say that I fully understand
我完全理解你的感受
and I thank you for your candor. You're welcome.
谢谢你的坦率 不客气
That. That, too. You're weirdly formal,
还有这个 你说话太正式了
like the kind of gay guy who's in the Air Force
就像空军里的同性恋
and then became middle management at IBM, and you have a condo,
然后成了IBM的中层管理
and there's like, a side gym in the building.
有自己的公♥寓♥ 还是带健身房♥的那种
That sounds like a nice little life I've made for myself.
听起来是很适合我的理想生活嘛
Let's face it, Andrew,
面对现实吧 安德鲁
if you're asking, you're probably gay.
如果你问了 那就很可能是同性恋
"Probably gay"? What does that even mean?
可能是同性恋 什么意思
Not my job. I have morning announcements,
那就不关我事了 我还有晨间播报
and you have, like, a pear shape. Oh, God.
而你有 梨型身材 天啊
Lacrosse tryouts are tomorrow.
曲棍球选拔赛就在明天
Exciting news for rich sociopaths
对于不懂同意的反♥社♥会♥富家子弟来说
with a loose concept of consent.
是一项非常激动的消息
But let's move on to something actually care about--
但是让我们谈一些大家真正关心的事情
Nick and Jessi.
尼克和杰西
Everyone wants to know who broke up with who,
大家都想知道 到底是谁甩了谁
and here to give us the inside scoop is Nick.
为我们带来前线资讯的就是 尼克
Nick, tell us, in your own tiny words,
尼克 实话告诉大家
who dumped who?
是谁甩了谁
First of all, I really don't like the word "Dump."
首先 我真的不喜欢用"甩"这个字
I find it offensive. I mean,
感觉有点无礼
does it really matter who broke up with who?
谁先说分手真的这么重要吗
Of course it does. You know that.
当然重要 你知道的
Okay, here's what I will say--
好吧 我想说的是
I think Jessi is a fantastic girl,
杰西真的是一个很好的女孩
and that's why it was so hard for me to break up with her.
向她提分手实在是一件不容易的事
You heard it here--
你们听见了
Nick dumped Jessi.
是尼克甩了杰西
Angry.
愤怒
We shall reach up that little pygmy's ass
我们真该踢爆那小侏儒的屁♥股♥
and pull out his heart!
剜他的心
His ass heart!
混♥蛋♥负心汉
Tomorrow, an exclusive interview
明天 我们将有
with Patient Zero in our pinkeye epidemic.
感染红眼病的零号♥患者的独家专访
Yeah, looking back, there was
回首过去 我们肯定能发现
definitely fecal matter on some of the basketballs.
一些篮球上还粘有排泄物
This is Coach Steve, by the way.
史蒂夫教练为您播报
Ooh, I can't believe I'm gonna be on TV!
简直不敢相信 我就要上电视了
Okay, so, normally right about now I'd watch the Mets game.
通常现在这个时间 我都要看比赛
But if I'm probably gay, maybe I should--
但如果我是同性恋的话 也许我应该
Definitely watch gay porn.
肯定是看同志黄♥片♥啦
I know, I know, but I've been scared to look at any porn.
我知道 但我不敢看任何的小黄♥片♥
Isn't going directly to gay porn
直接就看同志黄♥片♥
like jumping head first into the deep end?
是不是从头一下跳到尾 跳得太快了
More like dick first into the butt end. Nailed it.
更像是由屌♥入腚 搞定
Don't just type in "Gay porn."
不要直接打"同志片"
Switch over to private browsing first.
先切换到无痕浏览
Good call, good call.
说得好
We're gonna have to clear more cookies
我们要比生日派对上的小胖子
than a fat kid at a birthday party.
消除的痕迹[曲奇]还多
Nailed it again.
再次搞定
All right, Andrew, this is your journey.
好了安德鲁 这是你的美妙旅程
You must be your own shaman.
你的同志你做主
Click the mouse. Okay. Here goes.
点下鼠标 好 我要点了
Well, all right. Shit. Wait. What's this?
好了 我去 等等 这都什么
That's good. Wait. Close that.
很好 快关上关上
That won't close. Why won't this close? Open that one.
关不上 为什么关不上 点开这个
No, I don't want to zoom. Yes! Yes!
我不想要放大 不 你要
Stop clicking on it! It's got a life of its own!
别点了 这才叫生活
Virus, virus! Shame on you!
病毒病毒 不知羞耻
Andrew, what's going on up there? Nothing! I'm asleep.
安德鲁 怎么回事 没事 我睡着了
Well, something's wrong with the computer.
电脑出毛病了
Terry Bradshaw's taking a shower with Howie Long,
特里·布莱德肖和豪伊·朗一起洗澡
and why does Shannon Sharpe want to get in there?
香农·夏普为什么会想进去
Oh, my God!
老天爷啊
How'd you break up with Jessi? Did you make her cry?
你怎么跟杰西分手的 她伤心流泪了吗
To be honest, it was, like, the hardest thing I've ever had to do
实话说 那是我做过最艰难的事
but it was the right thing to do. Does that make sense?
但也是正确的事 这矛盾吗
You my dawg. Nick Birch!
真是我的好兄弟 尼克·伯奇
Looks like I picked the right outfit this morning.
看来我早上挑这身还真选对了呢
Jessi, it's-- ahem, good to see you.
杰西 看到你真好
Is it? What's going on?
是吗 发生了什么
I can't see. My eyes are crusted shut.
我看不见 眼睛结痂都睁不开了
Look, we could still be friends.
我们还能做朋友啊
Friends?
朋友
Oh, we're not friends.
我们才不是朋友
Cut that little pipsqueak down to size.
煞煞这小子的威风
And to set the record straight, I broke up with you.
纠正一下 是老娘跟你分手
Well, it was mutual. No, no, no.
是双方共同提出的 不 才不是
Gun him down. I knew it wasn't gonna work
杀了他 我一亲上你那张
as soon as I kissed your big, weird catfish mouth.
古怪的鲶鱼一样的嘴 就知道跟你没可能了
Yeah, paint a picture, baby.
想象一下那幅画面
Jessi, let's not forget you kissed me.
杰西 别忘了是你主动亲的我
Oh, I'll never forget. Sing it, sister.
我可永远忘不了 大胆说吧 老妹
Just with your giant blubbery lips
你那两片巨大肥厚的嘴唇
it felt like I was chewing on two lukewarm hot dogs.
让我以为自己是在吃温乎的热狗
Okay. More, more, more!
好吧 接着说
The gross poking and prodding from your scaly alligator tongue.
你的舌头就像鳄鱼的鳞片一样 还捅来捅去的
Rub his nose in it.
继续揭他的底
And I pity the poor girl
我真同情
who makes the mistake of kissing you next.
下一个瞎了眼亲你的女生
You're gonna hear that from time to time. It's part of the game.
你会时不时听到这种话的 这也是比赛的一部分
But that's not gonna happen.
但再也不会有人亲你了
'Cause I'm gonna tell everyone that you, Nick Birch,
因为我会告诉所有人 尼克·伯奇
are the world's worst kisser!
是世界上吻技最差的人
Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker.
再见了 傻♥逼♥
Now let's mosey.
我们走吧
Aw, don't worry about it, Nick. Opinions are like assholes--
别担心 尼克 那种评价都是混♥蛋♥
keep 'em away from your basketballs, all right?
别让它们碰到[影响]你的篮球 好吗
Okay, okay, you gotta get back at Jessi.
你一定要好好报复杰西
Jay. And I've got just the idea.
杰伊 我有个主意
Jay It's a little bit juvenile,
杰伊 有点幼稚
but it's simple and it's timeless.
但是很简单 而且永不过时
Jay We let it be known that Jessi,
杰伊 我们要让大家知道
for a snack, eats tiny pieces of shit.
杰西把小块的屎当零食吃
What? She doesn't eat pieces of shit.
什么 她不吃小块的屎
Andrew, you're picturing it and we're talking about it.
安德鲁 你在想象这副画面 我们还在谈论它
That's a win in my book. Wait, wait, wait.
在我看来那就成真了 慢着
I'm not gonna say that Jessi eats shit.
我不会说杰西吃屎的
We're in a fight but ultimately we're still friends, right?
我们在吵架 但我们终归还是朋友 对吧
No! She was your friend, then she was your lover,
不 她以前是你朋友 后来成了你女朋友
now she's your enemy.
现在她是你的敌人
Please stop quoting your dad's divorce lawyer commercials.
别再引用你♥爸♥爸离婚律师广♥告♥里的话了
Okay, fine. We'll take the high road.
好吧 我们讲究一点
We'll just say she's a lesbo.
说她是拉拉就好了
No, if I call her a lesbo, then she's gonna say that I'm gay.
不 要是我说她是拉拉 她就该说我是基佬了
And, hey, is-- that's a bad thing, right?
这不是什么好事 对吧
Like if people think you're gay that's bad?
别人觉得你是基佬 这不是什么好事对吧
No, we all know it's okay to be gay. Do we?
不 我们都知道同性恋没什么 是吗
I mean, if it's so "Okay" To be gay,
我是说 要是真的没什么