大嘴巴（2017）

You know what always relaxes you?
你知道什么会让你放松吗
No, no, I don't know.
不 我不知道
This is our first chance to
这是我们第一次有机会为
jerk off to something that might actually happen.
可能发生的事情而打手♥枪♥
Let's glaze those knuckles, honey.
让我们活动活动这些关节吧 甜心
Okay. Maybe you're right.
可能你是对的
Hi, Andrew, what do you want to do to me?
安德鲁 你想对我做什么
I wanna put sunscreen on your body.
我想为你的身体涂防晒霜
Yeah, lube her up!
让她润滑起来吧
Now what?
现在呢
You want to lie down with me like when people lie down?
你想和我像别人躺下来那样躺着吗
But you just put on sunscreen and the sand might stick to you.
但是你刚涂了防晒 沙子可能会黏上去
Hey, Gilligan. What the fuck are we doing here?
吉利根 我们他妈的在这干嘛呢
Give it to me, Andrew.
给我吧 安德鲁
Nope, this doesn't feel right. Can't do it!
这感觉不对 不能做
What the hell happened? I don't know.
发生什么了 我不知道
Now that she's my girlfriend, it feels wrong.
现在她是我的女朋友 这不对
Like, I don't want to sully our relationship.
我不想玷污我们的感情
All right, fine. Let's just, get back to basics.
好吧 那我们回到最基本的
Ah, here's the Athleta catalog.
这是运动员手册
I got a tub of Land O'Lakes, which is dual purpose.
还有一桶蓝多湖黄油 双重作用哦
Okay. No, no, I can't use any of that stuff.
不 我不能用这些东西
If I masturbate to someone else,
如果对别的人打飞机
I'll feel like I'm cheating on Missy.
我会觉得我背叛了米西
So let me get this straight.
让我理一理
You can't jerk off to Missy
你不能意淫米西打飞机
and you can't jerk off to not Missy.
你也不能对着不是米西的人打飞机
What the hell are you gonna jerk off to? Nothing.
那你♥他♥妈♥要对谁打 不对谁
I guess I'm not gonna jerk off.
可能我不想打飞机
Yeah, you're-- you're not gonna jerk off.
你不准备打飞机
All right, where are the cameras?
没错 相机在哪里
Am I on Jerk'd?
我被意淫打飞机了吗
Where's Mark McGrath? Hey, I'm serious.
马克·麦格拉斯在哪里 我是认真的
I am not masturbating from this day forward.
我以后不手♥淫♥了
And if you'll excuse me,
失陪了
I have to get ready for my date with Missy.
我要去准备和米西的约会了
But you haven't jerked off in nearly 36 hours.
你都快36小时没打飞机了
That's unprecedented. If you don't do it soon,
史无前例啊 你要是再不打
you're gonna blow, damn it!
你就要喷了
How do you like that?
你们觉得如何
Andrew Glouberman has a girlfriend.
安德鲁·格劳博曼有女友了
I'll never forget my first love. Becky Lyman.
我永远忘不了我的初恋 贝基·莱曼
I kissed her on the cheek, and she kicked me square in the groin.
我亲了她的脸颊 她踹了我屁♥股♥一脚
But you know what hurt
但你知道什么比
even more than my swollen, bruised testicles?
肿胀淤青的睾丸更痛吗
Your heart? No, my urethra.
你的心 不 是我的尿道
It collapsed and had to be surgically repaired.
它断了 我做了修复手术
But I'm sure things will go much more smoothly for Andrew.
但安德鲁肯定会很顺利的
That boy is gonna be a beautiful boyfriend.
那个男生肯定会是一个好男友
Guys, can we please stop talking about Andrew?
两位 能不谈论安德鲁了吗
Nicky.
小尼
Are you jealous?
你嫉妒了吗
No, I've just been talking about Andrew and Missy all week.
不 只是我这周一直在说安德鲁和米西
And now he's out with her, and I'm on a date with my parents.
现在他俩约会去了 我和爸妈在一起
Hey, this is the only threesome I'd ever want.
我只想要这个三人行
Gross. What we're saying is,
真恶心 我们想说的是
we'd go out with you even if you weren't our son.
哪怕你不是我们儿子 我们也想和你出来
You'd go out with a random 12-year old boy?
你们愿意和一个陌生的12岁男生出来
If he was as dynamite as you, you better believe it.
他要是跟你一样活跃 我们会的
Holy bonkers!
天啊
This is a real trifecta for me.
这一切简直太棒了
Hanging out with my parents, science, and my beau.
和我爸妈 小可人一起来科学馆
Oh, am I talking too much?
我是不是话太多了
Cyrus, you let her have dried papaya,
赛勒斯 你让她吃木瓜干
and now she's bouncing off the walls.
现在她太兴奋了
I didn't give her any papaya.
我没给她吃木瓜
I think she's sweet on someone else.
我觉得她是因为别人
He's talking about Andrew. Yes.
他说的是安德鲁 是的
My mom says I'm sweet and that's why spiders keep biting me.
我妈说我太甜了 蜘蛛老是咬我
Oh, smooth.
可以啊
Way to bring up your mom and also spider bites.
就这样说起了你妈和被蜘蛛咬
You sure you don't wanna tell them
你真的不要告诉他们
about your pediatric hemorrhoids?
你的小儿痔疮吗
Are you drunk? Andrew, are you coming?
你喝醉了吗 安德鲁 你来吗
Oh, in the heart, with you, alone?
和你单独进心脏里吗
Yes. I'm coming, too.
好啊 我也来
No, you cannot be in there. You need to leave me alone.
不 你不能进 让我们单独待会
Not a chance, homo. I'm gonna watch you turn her out.
不可能 基佬 我要看你让她欲♥火♥焚身
This is not okay.
不行
Now, I didn't wanna have to do this,
我也不想这样
but I am thinking about my grandmother.
但我在想我奶奶
Gray, round, and ready to pound.
银发圆脸 准备开干
Okay. How about a mezuzah?
好吧 那门柱圣卷呢
You know how a cross works on a vampire?
你知道十字架对吸血鬼有什么用吗
Oh, sweetheart, a mezuzah is just a gold dick
宝贝 门柱圣卷就是个钉在门上的金鸡♥巴♥
you nail on your door to say, "Inside, we fuck."
意思是"我们在里面干呢"
Okay. You leave me no choice.
好吧 我没辙了
This is Garrison Keillor,
这是加里森·凯勒
the former host of NPR's A Prairie Home Companion.
NPR《草原一家亲》的前主持
A lovely thing about Christmas is it's compulsory.
圣诞有趣之处在于它是强制性的
Feel his sexlessness! No, no, no!
感受他的性冷淡吧 不不不
Come on, Missy. Let's go.
米西 我们走
Now I will breathe loudly thro my nose hair.
我正通过我的鼻毛大声呼吸
My dicks! My dicks are running away! -
我的鸡鸡都跑了
I'm so glad you're taping this because these guys are legends.
我很高兴你们在录像 这些人都是传奇
I give you... the Sorcerers of the Square Table.
为你们呈现"方桌巫师"
Come near. The closer you look, the less you see, ha ha!
快过来 你离得越近 看得越少
Okay. We're changing the project.
我们换个主题吧
"How no sex for 30 years affects the male posture."
"30年没做♥爱♥会如何改变男性姿态"
Ooh, get a close-up of Mr. Bolo tie's fingernails.
快仔细看看饰扣领带先生的指甲
Look how long they are. They're like antlers.
那么长 跟鹿角似的
Okay. First of all, "Mr. Bolo Tie" has a name,
首先 饰扣领带先生有名字
and it's the Magnificent Gary.
他是伟大的盖里
And his long fingernails are because he uses a harp in his act.
他指甲长是因为他的表演中要弹竖琴
Because magic isn't lame eno on its own.
因为魔术本身不够烂吧
Oh, my God, I feel like
天啊 我感觉
I'm my most authentic self with you, Matthew.
我跟你在一起才会说真话 马修
Hold on. Are you guys making fun of magic?
等等 你们在取笑魔术吗
And you. And your man coven.
还有你 还有你的魔术师聚会
I don't get it. Why did you even choose me?
什么意思 那你们干嘛选我
What about our project? Oh, come on, Jay.
那我们的主题呢 拜托 杰伊
We can't seriously do a science project about teleportation.
我们不能用传送来当科学主题啊
Darling, it's not even real.
亲爱的 传送根本不存在
Teleportation is the exact place
传送本身就是
where science and magic intersect.
科学和魔术的交融
I can't believe I brot you assholes into this sacred space!
我居然带你们这俩混♥蛋♥来这个神圣的地方
It's a Panera. It's a chamber of wonders, you dicks!
这是帕奈拉西餐厅 这是奇迹之屋 混♥蛋♥
Are you still getting this? It's gold.
你还在拍吧 简直完美
Do either of you have a car?
你俩有车吗
I'm 30 minutes late for a court-supervised visit with my mother.
我晚了半小时 我要在法庭监督下去找我妈
Hey, Duke. Hey! It's Friday night!
公爵 这是周五晚上啊
Where's your accountant Andrew?
你的会计安德鲁呢
Oh, we're just friends.
我们是朋友而已
It's not good to have your friends do your taxes.
你让朋友打理你的税收 不明智啊
Andrew's got a date. I set him up with this girl Missy, and...
安德鲁有约了 我把米西介绍给了他
now, she's all he talks about.
现在他只谈起她
And you're feeling left out?
你觉得被冷落了
I'm just kind of worried he's not gonna have time for me anymore.
我只是担心他没时间跟我玩了
Oh, he won't. Some men just disappear into their ladies,
不会的 有些男人只是陪他们女人去了
like Joltin' Joe DiMaggio with Marilyn Monroe.
比如乔·迪马乔和玛丽莲·梦露