随性（2016）

当我听到这事
when I heard about this...
显然 我存在很久了
And, uh, obviously, you know, I've been around a long time.
我是个老人 我在生活里犯过一些错
I'm an old man. I've made some mistakes in my life.
但我之前在回想我们的关系
But I was, you know, going over what-- what our relationship was.
我坐在那试图记起
I... I was just... I was sitting there trying to remember,
我们经历了什么
you know, what... what we went through.
-你想到了什么 -然后
- Okay. And what did you come up with? - And... And...
过程并不糟糕
That it was-- wasn't bad.
我记得我们有过很多
I... I remember us having a lot of, you know, pretty...
-愉快真实的对话 -嗯
- real conversations about stuff. - Mm-hm.
我记得看你的作品
I remember, you know, going over your work,
欣赏你的作品
enjoying your work.
我觉得你很棒
I thought you were great.
我记得我们吃午餐
And-- And I remember us, like, having lunch.
你不满你的婚姻
You were unhappy in your marriage.
我刚离婚
I had just gone through a divorce,
我试图帮助你
and I was trying to somehow be helpful,
我们互相怜悯
and, like, we sort of commiserated a bit.
-嗯 -我感觉到了那种联♥系♥
- Mm-hm. - I did feel the connection.
-嗯 -是的
- Yeah. - Yeah.
然后就变得尴尬起来
And... And, like, I-- And then it got weird.
我知道遍尴尬了 但我无法
I know it got weird, but I... I just couldn't,
我无法 在我脑中
I... I just couldn't, in my mind...
把自己看做一个
you know, see myself as somebody who like,
做了坏事的人
did something terrible.
这些我书里都有写
All of that is in my book.
这就是我要讲的故事 我们的故事是一样的
That's the story that I'm telling. We have the same story.
这是我的观点
This is my perspective.
你这么觉得是因为你有权力
It feels one way to you because you're in a position of power.
-你是我老师 -那是研究生院
- You're my teacher. - It's graduate school.
你都26岁了
You're, like, 26 years old. I mean, what--
没错 我26岁
Yeah, exactly. I'm 26 years old.
对我来说 我漂洋过海来到这里读研
It was a big deal for me to come all the fucking way over here
算是人生大事
to go to grad school,
相信自己我能做到
to have enough faith in myself that I could do it.
那很重要
It was a big deal.
我在那个时候
It took me to that point in my life,
才感觉"我值得到这里
to feel like, "Oh, I deserve to... to come over here
让我的生活有意义"
and try to make something of myself."
那很不容易
It was a really big deal.
用上了我拥有的一切
It took everything that I had in the world.
-是吗 -然后 我遇见一个人
- Yeah? - And then, I meet somebody
告诉我 我和其他人一样优秀
who tells me I'm as good as anybody they've ever seen.
这算什么狗屁
I mean, what kind of a fucking thing is that to say?
-是真的 -如果是真的
- That was true. - If it was true,
那之后发生了什么
then what happened afterwards?
我们做♥爱♥后我的作品就不行了吗
Did my work just start, like, sucking after we had sex?
-我不知道 -我们就做了一次
- I don't know- - - We had sex one time!
我知道
I know!
不 我不知道那之后你的作品怎么样
I di-- No! I don't know wha-- what your work did afterwards.
-因为我 -你看到了 我当时还在你班里
- Because I- - - You saw it. I was still in your class.
-就两周 -不止
- For two weeks. - It was longer than that,
而且很痛苦和不自在
and it was really painful and uncomfortable.
我感觉到了
I felt that. I felt that.
-发生了什么 -我不知道发生了什么
- Well, what happened? - I don't know what happened.
我们做了爱
I mean, like, I-- We had sex,
然后关系就变得尴尬
and then it was... it was just fucking weird,
因为我开始想
because, like, I started to think, like,
你感到羞愧生气 因为你结了婚
you were ashamed and mad because you were married,
也许我以为你会告诉你丈夫
and maybe I thought you were gonna tell your husband,
他会揍我
he was gonna kick my ass--
我在任何事发生之前就跟我丈夫说了
I told my husband before anything happened, first of all.
-什么 -我对那事就有那么严肃
- What? - That's how seriously I was taking it.
我感觉我们在交往
I felt like we were in a relationship.
你对我说的那些话
And the things that you were saying to me...
你跟我说你会给我安排实习
You were telling me you were gonna set me up with internships.
跟我说你会给我介绍人
You were telling me you were gonna introduce me to people.
说我有多棒
You were telling me how incredible I was and how...
我的作品极具创新力
like, groundbreaking my work is.
-现在想想真是丢人 -我
- It's so embarrassing to think about now. - I...
真丢人 我竟然信了
It's so embarrassing I fell for it.
我是真的觉得你的作品很棒
I believed that. I believed it.
所以
So-- So--
我是说我不是什么怪物
But I'm saying that I wasn't just some fuckin' monster
为了睡你而欺骗你
who was conning you to get into your pants.
-我是谁 -那你睡了我后
- I mean, you know-- - So then what...
-是什么变了 -我
- changed after you did? - I- -
我不知道 我受不了我们
I don't fucking know. I can't handle that we--
有时我会陷入一种境地
Sometimes I have-- Sometimes I've been in situations
我和别人做♥爱♥ 我对他们产生感情
where I have sex with people and I have feelings for them,
然后一旦做完后 我就
and then once we consummate them, I'm just sort of, like...
我 不知为何 我有情感障碍
I-- I don't-- You know... I'm emotionally hobbled, somehow.
我们做了以后
I mean, after we fucked...
关系变得尴尬 然后你辍学
You know, it got weird and then you just dropped off.
难道我要来追你吗
I mean, was... was I supposed to just chase you down and--
如果你觉得我有天赋 你就该来追
If you thought I was that talented, yeah.
你不觉得我配吗
Did you not think I was worth it?
-没有 但我 -你觉得你不能
- I did, but I- - - Did you not think you were gonna
带我去见其他人 告诉他们
be able to show me to people and be like,
"看我发现了谁"吗
"Look who I've discovered"?
-嗯 -这就是我当时的感受
- Yeah. - That's how it made me feel.
然后 我就开始思考 我心想
Then, I started to think about it afterwards, and I was like,
"天 这太不公平了"
"Oh, God, that's so fucking unfair."
因为你想和我睡
That because you wanted to sleep with me,
我现在整个人生历程都受到了影响
this whole course of my life has been impacted now.
-我 -我不知道是不是因为
- I-- - I don't know if it's because
我作品不够好
my work wasn't good enough
我才没得到实习机会
that I didn't get an internship,
才没有被介绍给别人
that I didn't get introduced to people.
我不知道 你让我觉得我的作品够好
I don't know. You made me feel like my work was good enough.
-这是真的 -然后那一切都没发生
- It was. - Then it didn't happen.
没有发生是因为
Okay, it didn't happen because, you know,
我抛弃了你 因为我很不自在
I... I bailed on you because I was uncomfortable.
-但是 -那你为什么要那么说
- But the idea that-- - Why put yourself in that position?
-为什么让我陷入那种境地 -因为我不负责
- Why put me in that position? - Because I was irresponsible.
-或许吧 -好
- I guess. - Okay.
这就是我的意思 我的故事就是这个
That's all I'm saying. That's the story that I'm telling.
但是你说我只是为了上你
But the idea that all I was doing was trying to fuck you,
因为我上了你一切都变了
and everything changed because I fucked you,
我终于得偿所愿
that I'd finally gotten what I wanted,
然后我抛弃你 这简直是乱说
and now I was done with you, is just garbage.
如果你要讲这个故事
So, if that's also the story you're telling,
那这故事就不对
it's not the right story.
不友好 但这是你的故事
It's insensitive. But it's your... it's your narrative.
这是你的观点 我明白
It's your point of view. I understand.
我很高兴你写了这本书
I'm glad you wrote the book.
你知道 这
And, you know, and it
我希望能获得成功
You know, I hope it does very well for you.
我想只能到时再看了
And I guess I'll just fuckin' see it when I see it.
我无能为力
Again, there's nothing I can do about it,
然后 我这边的说法
and, uh, you know, my side of it...
我想 我都不知道
I guess I... I don't even know what's...
-我不知道你有什么 -什么
- I don't know what you have... - What...
可失去的
...to lose.
你不能承认自己的行为 你做不到吗
You can't own your own behavior? You can't own that?
我可以
Oh, yeah, I can.
我有承认
I have.
我有失去过东西 我有犯过错
I've lost things before. I've made mistakes before.
但我想在某种程度上 我
But I guess on some level, I... I, uh...
我控制着故事
I control the narrative.