我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S03E13

Part 5 Feb. 22, 2023, 8:45 p.m.

Coming to the stage, a band so new, they're not even
甚至还没上维♥基♥百♥科♥
on Wiki-wiki-pedia!
戈迪戈弟戈底乐团由泰特斯主演
Gordy! Gordi! Gordee! Feat. Titus!
*大爱加州*
*Lovin' California*
*生活在西海岸时间*
*Livin' left coast time*
*我不需要警告你*
*I don't need to warn ya*
*这里的美女有多赞*
*The babes out here are so fine*
不是吧我去健身房♥上
No way! They play this all the time
优哉增强式训练时他们总是放这首歌♥
at my gym's Cowabunga Plyometrics class.
加油泰特斯
Go, Titus!
*简直酷毙了我们一起来*
*Hella rad, now here we go*
*我爱加州的波霸*
*I love boobs and California*
*加州的沙地*
*Sand and California*
*加州的波霸*
*Boobs and California*
*和福特野马*
*And my 'Stang and California*
*但加州的波霸*
*But the boobs in California*
*是无与伦比的*
*Are the greatest boobs around*
*不不对*
*No, no*
*不不对*
*No! No!*
不停下米奇
No, no, no, no, no! Stop it, Mikey!
米奇迈克尔波利塔诺停下来
Mikey Michael Politano, stop it!
这真是超恶心
That's Gabba-gross!
我不能看着你这么做
I can't watch you do that
还假装我不在意其实我却刚好相反
and pretend I'm cool with it when I'm the opposite.
我就是个十足的呆瓜
I'm extremely nerd with it.
也许我该闭紧我的嘴
Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut.
不过鉴于我们英明的总统曾经说过
But as our wise president once said,
"来吧黑人们你们有什么可失去的"
"Come on, black people. What do you got to lose?"
那我说了
So here goes.
一切都是为了你米奇
All of this is for you, Mikey.
你觉得我为什么登上这个舞台
Why do you think I'm up here singing this stupid song
和一个认为卡特里娜飓风是大卫科波菲尔变出来的魔术
about women's chunky Charlies with a crazy man
一起唱一首关于疯子爱奶♥子♥的愚蠢歌♥
who thinks Hurricane Katrina was a David Copperfield illusion?
水不能融化建筑物
Water doesn't melt buildings!
我只是想让你觉得我了不起
It's all just to impress you.
除了表象
Despite appearances,
生活没有变得美好
life is not going great.
我的男朋友不是国际篮球运动员
My boyfriend is not an international basketball man.
关于他的新闻是假的
He's fake news.
我不喜欢加州的波霸
And I don't love boobs and California.
*我爱*
*I love*
*米奇波利塔诺*
*Mikey Politano*
哇哦泰特斯我
Wow, Titus, I--
我听不到你迈克尔
I cannot hear you, Michael!
你不像我有个麦克风
You don't have a microphone like I do.
我不知道该说什么
I don't know what to say!
什么也别说
Don't say anything.
不过注意听了小肉丸
But know this, meatball.
我会赢回你的
I will win you back.
也许不是今天或明天
It may not be today or tomorrow
或后天
or the day after tomorrow
因为我有<温迪威廉姆斯>的票
because I have Wendy Williams tickets.
不过有戈迪作为我的见证人
But as Gordy is my witness,
你终将属于我
you will be mine.
为了赢船票我用光了所有的通话时间
I used up all my minutes for this!
基思赫南德兹什么时候表演单口
When's Keith Hernandez gonna do stand-up?
他甚至都不喜欢波霸
He doesn't even care about boobs!
抓住他 - 耶
Get him! - Yeah!
该走了闺蜜
It's time to go, girl!
外用酒精
Rubbing alcohol?
你别告诉我该怎么用你
You don't tell me how to use you either!
一颗甜洋葱不是苹果
A Vidalia onion is not an apple.
孩提时我看过一篇新闻上的报道
When I was a kid, there was a story on the news
介绍了一种非常甜的新型洋葱
about a new kind of onion that was so sweet,
你可以像吃苹果那样吃它
you could eat it like an apple.
甜洋葱
Vidalia onions.
我妈妈和我觉得那真酷
My mom and I thought that was so cool.
就像威利旺卡的大块硬糖
Like Willy Wonka's Gobstoppers.
所以我们开着我家的全地形车到克罗格超♥市♥
So we got on her ATV, went to Kroger's,
买♥♥了一袋子甜洋葱
and bought a bag of Vidalia onions.
我们甚至都等不及到家
We didn't even wait to get home.
就坐在停车场数到三的时候
We sat in the parking lot, and, on three,
每人咬了一大口甜洋葱
we each took a huge bite.
你知道那是什么味道吗
And you know what they tasted like?
根本就是洋葱
Fudging onions.
这个世界就是颗甜洋葱
The world is a Vidalia onion.
是个谎言很刺鼻
It's a lie, it stinks,
刺得你流眼泪
and it makes you cry.
迟早你得停止吃洋葱
Sooner or later, you got to just stop biting onions.
什么
What?
嘿得了吧红头发
Hey. Hey, come on, Red.
你从来不放弃
You never give up.
你就像那只一直走来走去的兔子
You're like that bunny that keeps on going and going
因为瘾君子查理喂他吃安非他明
'cause Meth-Head Charlie fed him Adderall.
而且老实告诉你
And to be honest with you,
我还有点指望你来看到
I was kind of counting on you to--
双重彩虹
to see a double rainbow
或者跟拉马车的马交朋友呢
or make friends with a carriage horse,
然后我就能从我的阿蒂恐惧症中摆脱出来
and then I would snap out of my Artie funk
我会飞奔到机场非常浪漫的
and I would run to the airport, all romantic,
就像那个赫兹商业广♥告♥里OJ演的那样
like O.J. in that Hertz commercial.
我想做的只有帮助他人
All I wanted was to help people,
我连这点事都做不成
and I can't even fudging do that.
糟糕
No, no.
这不该是发生在我们身上的事
This isn't how it's supposed to go for either of us.
我得回去修正这一切
I got to go back and fix this.
我应该提前警告你这就是我想要下船的方式
I should have warned you that that's how I tend to leave boats.
好了我湿身后看起来更性感了
It's okay. I look hotter wet.
闺蜜刚才可真吓人
Girl, that was scary.
我甚至不知道那是否有用不过我觉得好点了
And I don't even know if it worked, but I feel better.
我就当这是一次
I just think, in some ways,
私人旅行的高♥潮♥吧
this was the culmination of a personal journey.
你以为这一切都和你有关
You think this whole thing was about you?
不你是我的陪衬朋友
No, you're in my story, pal.
我才是那个感觉超爽的人
I'm the one who feels amazing!
看看我今天为你做的一切
Look what I did for you today.
我让你赚了钱我用我的关系
I got you paid, I used my connections
给你订了一个小型演出我安抚了你很多次的发怒
to book you a gig, I handled your many tantrums--
当泰泰紧张的时候他会尖叫的
Tie-tie gets the screamies when he's nervous.
而我喜欢这个
And I loved it!
所以忘掉这个愚蠢的测试吧
So forget this stupid test and whatever
随便89号♥是哪个职业我也无所谓了
perfect career number 89 is supposed to be for me.
我知道我要成为什么
I know what I'm gonna be.
我受够了依靠他人生活
I'm done sponging off of other people.
所以杰奎琳怀特打算当个经纪人
So Jacqueline White is going to be an agent.
是的
Yes!
嘿院长在哪里
Hey! Where's the dean?
在那里和吉米施密特在一起
He's in there with Kimmy Schmidt.
什么她才不在那里面
What? She's not in there!
这是我最后一次见到他们的地方所以他们肯定是在那里
That's the last place I saw them, so that's where they must be.
我在等她
I'm-- I'm waiting for her.
为什么她不喜欢白人
Why? She's not into white guys.
不我要找到她
No, I need to find her.
她帮了我而我需要她的再次帮助
She helped me, and I need her help again.
你需要她的帮助
You need her help.
嗯这一直都是我的计划
Yeah, that was my plan all along.
而不是拿锤子敲院长
Not to hammer a dean.
我来这里解决你的问题
I'm here to do your thing.
你有打车的钱吗
You got cab fare?
我有辆车
I have a car.
哦那来看看你能跑多快