我本坚强（2015）
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
第三季
剧集 | 我本坚强（2015） | 导航列表
我本坚强（2015）
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S03E13
Part 1
Feb. 22, 2023, 8:45 p.m.
我 本 坚 强
第三季 第十三集
寇茨院长
现代化学
带有双性器官
优子9000型
戈迪! 戈弟! 戈底!
戈迪! 戈弟! 戈底!
现场表演
吉米史密茨
吉米施密特
荣誉学位
职业能力测试
纽约州交通协管员笔试测验
1. 点击车的图片
正确!
2. 点击向左箭头
正确!
正确!
正确!
船笛永鸣号♥
欢迎大都会的球迷们
交通协管员
你是个废物!
你是个
废物!
你的新职业正在等待
艺人经理人/浴疗咨♥询♥顾问
悲伤
你好 吉米
Hello, Kimmy.
小心 我的名字是图书馆
Careful! My name is library!
我这学期要修汉语
I'm taking Mandarin this semester.
有问题吗
Was that anything?
我很高兴你提起了功课
I'm glad you brought up your classwork.
我想找你跟进一下留校察看的事
I wanted to update you on your academic probation.
等等 我被留校察看了
Hold up. I'm on the baysh?
你已经被留校察看一个月了
You've been on the baysh for a month!
坦嫩教练应该告诉过你
Coach Tannen should have told you.
这是什么意思
So what does this mean?
我得留级复读吗
Do I have to repeat a grade?
蒂娜卡米略在三年级的时候留过级 她倒是无所谓
Dina Camillo did that in third grade, and she was cool.
当她大姨妈来了之后
When she got her period,
大家的反应都是
everyone was like,
"喔 这班上有个女人"
"Wow, there is a woman in this class!"
如果这学期你不及格 你就得离开哥伦比亚大学
If you fail the semester, you will have to leave Columbia.
还有别让坦嫩教练过来摆布我
And don't tell Coach Tannen to come in here to push me around,
因为我知道一个很好的藏身地点
because I know a good hiding place
而且我的口袋里有个三明治
and I've got a sandwich in my pocket.
等等 我明天有节化学实验课考试
Wait. I've got a big chemistry lab tomorrow.
为了顺利通过这个学期 我需要得多少分
To pass the semester, what do I have to get?
一百分
One hundred percent.
满分是几分
Out of what?
坚不可摧
Unbreakable
她们活下来了 卧♥槽♥
They alive, damn it!
真是个奇迹
It's a miracle.
坚不可摧
Unbreakable
她们活下来了 卧♥槽♥
They alive, damn it!
但是女人可真牛逼啊
But females are strong as hell.
坚不可摧
Unbreakable
她们活下来了 卧♥槽♥
They alive, damn it!
真是个奇迹
It's a miracle.
坚不可摧
Unbreakable
她们活下来了 卧♥槽♥
They alive, damn it!
接下来是
That's gonna be, uh...
那个
you know, a...
华丽的变身
fascinating transition.
卧♥槽♥
Damn it!
减了一点体重
Lost a little weight...
是吉普赛人的诅咒
Gypsy curse,
还是你想在回到我身边前减点肉
or trying to drop the chunk before you come back to me?
连续四天戴着同一个安全帽
Same construction hat four days in a row.
显然地情绪很低潮
Obviously in a funk.
*我爱加州的波霸*
*I love boobs and California*
*加州的沙地*
*Sand and California...*
那是我的歌♥
That's moi!
*还有我的野马和加州*
*And my 'Stang and California*
*我爱加州的狗狗* - 先生
*I love dogs and California...* -Sir!
或者说 老兄
Or... bro.
你的车怎么会播这首歌♥
How does your car know that song?
很好听 不是吗
Tasty, right?
我刚在Spotify上搜"优哉的小日子"搜到的
I just searched "Cowabunga Lifestyle" on Spotify.
我得走了 老兄
Got to bounce, bro.
这家伙要赶不上他奶奶的葬礼了
This guy's late for his grandma's fizz-uneral!
6.02乘以10的23次方等于
Six point oh-two times ten to the 23rd power equals...
一摩尔
One mole?
如果你遇到难题了 试试塔拉哈西这个答案
If you get stuck, try "Tallahassee."
大部分测试答案都是"塔拉哈西"
Most test answers are Tallahassee.
谢谢 怀特小姐
Thanks, Ms. White.
等你准备好了就可以随时打印你的简历
Uh, you can print out your résumé whenever you're ready.
我还在调整
I'm still tweaking it.
这个听起来怎么样
How does this sound?
2000年到2005年 耐特杰航♥空♥模范空姐
NetJets Air Mistress, 2000 to 2005.
接下来就是12年的空档期
And then there's a 12-year gap.
你可以说当母亲也是一项工作
I mean, you could say being a mom is a job,
但我这当妈的可不称职
but not the way I do it!
我真为你骄傲
Well, I'm proud of you.
你终于要自食其力了
You're finally gonna stand on your own two feet.
我已经受够了像梅拉尼娅特朗普或
I'm done being a kept woman,
圣诞老太太一样靠男人过活
like Melania Trump or Mrs. Claus.
我是说 坦白讲 起码他们在一起过得不错
I mean, honestly, Claus, at least work out.
他干嘛和她在一起 他想找谁都可以啊
Why does he stay with her? He could have anyone!
我只是不知道一个30又14岁
I just don't know what job a 30-14-year-old
没有任何技能的前花瓶人♥妻♥有能力从事什么工作
former trophy wife with no skills is even qualified to do.
我在游览各大学时
I have a bunch of career aptitude tests
做过一系列职业能力测试
from when I was touring colleges.
所有的工作机会都在这里 职业从建筑师到极道杀手都有
All the jobs are on here, from architect to Zodiac Killer.
还是算了吧
Mm, I don't know.
我在高中时期做过一个职业测试
I took one of these in high school, and it said
测试结果说我应该当一名浴疗咨♥询♥顾问
I should be a guidance counselor bather.
那不是个真实的测试 对吗 麦金尼先生
That wasn't a real test, was it, Mr. McKinney?
测试结果说我该当一名交通协管员
It said I should be a crossing guard.
这份工作就是为你量身打造的
That's perfect for you.
你基本上就是个会说话的交通锥
I mean, you're basically a talking traffic cone.
好吧 这会告诉我我的未来
Okay... this will tell me my future.
真是难以置信
Unbelievable!
一整周
All week,
没发生任何摩托车事故
zero motorcycle accidents.
阿蒂在心脏移植的等候名单上
Artie is on the waiting list for a new heart.
所以我找到了那个旧的警用扫描仪
So I got out the old police scanner.
下一次出现摩托车事故时
Next biker that goes down,
我会在警♥察♥到场前赶到那里
I get there before the cops
带上一把牛排刀和一袋冰块
with a steak knife and a bag of ice--
等等 为什么阿蒂古德曼在心脏移植的等候名单上
Wait. Why is Artie Goodman on a waiting list?
他不是很有钱吗 - 哦 是非常有钱
Isn't he rich? - Oh, very.
一整天 他都在炫富
All day long, he biddy-biddy-bums.
有钱人可不会等器♥官♥移♥植♥
Well, rich people don't wait for organs.
他们只需慷慨大方地给医院
They just give a generous
捐一大笔钱就能插队马上动手术
donation to the hospital and cut the line.
在<交易的艺术>里有一章就讲到了这个
There's a whole chapter about it in Art of the Deal.
哦 不 阿蒂绝不会这么做
No, Artie would never do that.
这么做是不道德的
It's deplorable.
不过 如果你买♥♥走了一颗心
On the other hand, you take a heart off the market,
当朱利亚尼需要心脏的时候
then when Giuliani needs one,
"抱歉 伙计 希望你喜欢雪貂的心脏"
"Ooh, sorry, pal. Hope you like ferret hearts."
当我偶然在施工现场
Something insane happened while I was accidentally
呆了三个小时的时候发生了一件蠢事
at the construction site for three hours.
你又在暗中监视米奇
Were you spying on Mikey again?
我在"看着"米奇时 想找到合适的机会
I'm watching Mikey to find the right time
跟他重修旧好
to jump back into his life.
这叫做"双人跳绳" 大家都喜欢
It's called "Double-Dutching," And everyone loves it.
但是那时候 我听到有人在播放
But then I heard someone playing my
我在做跑腿兔任务时唱的歌♥
TaskRabbit song.
又一个
Yet another example
白人剽窃黑人作品的范例
of white people stealing from black people.
关于瑞恩高斯林和艾玛斯通
我本坚强（2015）
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
剧集 | 我本坚强（2015） | 导航列表