我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S03E13

Part 4 Feb. 22, 2023, 8:45 p.m.

四个赞
Four likes!
你有什么事 - 我想当交通协管员
What do you want? - I want to be a crossing guard.
那你得通过测试才行
Well, you're gonna have to pass the test.
跟我来 - 哦天啊
Follow me. - Oh, boy.
我不是很擅长测试
I'm not great at tests.
按理讲我情商不错
Supposably, I have emotional intelligence--
泰迪格斯赞了我的汉堡
Taye Diggs liked my joe!
Taye Diggs 美国男演员
我记得他演过<吉屋出租>对吗
He was in Rent, I think, right?
"点击车的图片"
"Touch the picture of a car."
这要不是辆车
It's either a car
要不就是变形金刚
or a Transformer.
不用想得太多
Don't overthink it.
"点击向左箭头"
"Touch the arrow pointing left."
"以下哪个选项对行人来说最危险
"Which is most dangerous to pedestrians?
A 移♥动♥的车辆 B 停好的车辆
A, moving cars, B, parked cars,
C 船 D 塔拉哈西"
C, boats, D, Tallahassee?"
"第1000道题我想当交通协管员来
Question 1,000: "I want to be a Crossing Guard to...
A 成为车老大
A, be the boss of cars,
B 让父母失望
B, disappoint my parents,
C 寻找艳遇
C, meet potential lovers,
D 帮助人们安全过马路"
D, help people be safe."
哦我不知道我行的
Oh, I don't know... psych!
一百分满分是多少
One hundred percent! Out of what?
你们俩是唯一全部答对的人
You two are the only ones who've ever gotten a perfect score.
我们俩
Us two?
跟你丫死磕到底
It is on.
这就是我们应对DJ法拉布拉斯特的办法
Here's how we handle DJ Fingablast.
男人总是想要他们得不到的东西
Men always want what they can't have.
古巴雪茄一部值得一看的超人电影
Cuban cigars, a watchable Superman movie.
表现得好像你不想要这个演出一样
Just act like you don't want the gig.
我不想要
I don't.
那太棒了
That's perfect.
杰奎琳
Jacqueline!
真没想到会在这里遇见你
What a surprise!
道格
Doug...
我的狗狗按♥摩♥师变成了DJ特纳
my dog masseuse turned turntables turner.
最近好吗 - 不好
How are things? - Not good.
我的音乐被诊断出肾衰竭
My beats were diagnosed with renal failure
因为它实在是屌♥爆了
because they are sick!
很好
Wonderful.
这是我朋友泰特斯
Oh, this is my friend Titus.
也许要是你变得更出名一点
Maybe if you get a little bigger,
他能出演一个你的节目
he could play one of your shows.
他的歌♥在网上点击率超高
He's got a ton of heat on him.
这也是他紧张得满身汗的原因
That's why he's so sweaty.
很好
Toight.
来点小样听听怎么样
How about a little sample?
小样是我的宗教信仰
Samples are my religion,
尽管我是被门诺派教♥徒♥养大的你
even though I was raised Mennonite, yo!
不是很感兴趣布拉斯特先生
Not interested, Mr. Blast.
泰特斯听着
Titus, listen.
在基思赫南德兹演单口喜剧前
I've got a hot slot in the
Keith Hernandez 前美职棒球员现为大都会队解说
我的时间表上有个很热门的时段
schedule before Keith Hernandez tries stand-up--
杰奎琳我们能走了吗
Jacqueline, can we go?
我得接这个电♥话♥
Oh, I've got to take this.
这是巨人队淡季派对巴士
It's the Giants' off-season party bus.
不我想要泰特斯
No! I want Titus!
他平常拿多少我付双倍
Whatever he normally gets, I'll pay double.
不谢了
No, thanks.
手指我能跟他单独聊一下吗
Finga, could you give us a moment?
你现在可以停止了他想要你
You can stop now. He wants you.
不我说不在这艘船上表演是认真的
No, I'm seriously not playing this boat.
我为了米奇准备的
My grand re-debut to Mikey was like
盛大第二次处♥女♥秀就像西蒙拜尔斯
Simone Biles trying to ride a roller coaster
在公园关门以后想要坐过山车
after the park closed.
已经太晚了
Too little, too late.
好吧你深受打击
Okay, you took a hit.
不过什么时候放弃成为答案了
But when is quitting ever the answer?
海♥洛♥因♥ 香烟一个拼图
Heroin. Cigarettes. A jigsaw puzzle.
你的盒子上已经有张照片了贱♥人♥
You already got the picture on the box, bitch.
你只需要来一次精彩的回击
You just need a comeback.
如果史蒂夫哈维放弃了你觉得他还能当上
If Steve Harvey had given up, do you think
Steve Harvey 美国喜剧演员
<小臭鬼>的主持人吗
he'd be the host of Little Stinkers or whatever?
这个舞台就是你的机会
This stage is your chance.
登上去你会成为安德鲁可能一辈子也成为不了的人
Up here, you'll be something that Andrew could never be:
明星
a star.
而米奇会成为你砧板上的肉
And Mikey will be putty in your hands.
粘粘的有个倒挂的加菲猫在他身上
Sticky and with a backwards Garfield on him?
赶紧喝口你的加油果汁
Just drink your go-go juice.
你有个节目要表演
You got a show to do.
*当吉米参观高校的时候*
*When Kimmy was touring colleges*
*他们免费给了这个*
*They gave this out for free*
*一个封面是枫叶的小包里面是一个测试表*
*A staple-bound pamphlet With a test inside*
*告诉你你该做什么工作*
*To tell you what you should be*
*哦老天告诉你你该做什么工作*
*Oh, Lord, to tell you What you should be*
*她填完表核算出结果*
*She added up her answers*
*然后她放声大笑*
*And then she laughed so hard*
*吉米不仅没达到69分*
*Not only did Kimmy score a 69*
*这意味着她该当一名交通协管员哦白♥痴♥*
*That meant she'd be a crossing guard Oh, fool*
*这意味着她该当一名交通协管员*
*That meant she'd be a crossing guard*
*所以吉米告诉队长*
*So Kimmy told the captain*
*吉米不是个纤弱的小姐*
*Oh, Kimmy ain't no delicate miss*
*在我让一个优子击倒我之前*
*And before I'll let ol' Yuko Break me down*
*我会拳头上带着停止标示死去*
*I'll die with a stop sign in my fist*
*古姆露娜我会拳头上带着停止标示死去*
*Golly, I'll die with a stop sign In my fist*
最后的情节题目
Final scenario.
一辆卡车正向你开来
A truck is coming right at you.
但卡车的刹车失灵了
But its brakes have failed.
要是卡车向右转它会轧死五个小孩
If it goes to the right, it runs over five little kids.
要是它向左转会轧死一个商人
If it goes to the left, it runs over a businessman.
你会让卡车往哪转
Which way do you send the truck to go?
这是个电车难题
It's the trolley problem.
我要扣掉半分
I'm gonna take a half a point off.
我刚说了"卡车"
I just said truck.
那是你先来吧
It's-- You're up first.
答案很明显
This is obvious.
效益主义
Utilitarianism.
目前当然是牺牲一人救大多数人
Kill one to save many for now.
嗯不过这只是书上写的
Yeah, but that's just in a book.
这些是真实的纸片人
These are real cardboard people.
那个生意人可能是某个人的母亲
That businessman could be somebody's mom.
为人♥民♥服务我很荣幸
It's been an honor.
她救了所有人
She saved...everybody.
泰迪格斯会喜欢这个的
Taye Diggs is gonna love this.
我可以吗
May I?
暂停
Flag on the play.
我们得进行一个标准的背景调查
We had to run a standard background check.
现在没和一个
You aren't currently married
注册在案的印第安纳州性犯罪者结婚对吗
to a registered sex offender in Indiana, are you?
严格讲我有不过只是为了帮温迪
Well, yes, technically, but only to help Wendy.
抱歉
Sorry.
我们不能让你接近学校或是小鸭子们
We can't have you around schools or ducklings.
*出名我很出名*
*Famous, I so famous*
*大猫靓车豪言很出名*
*Big cats, big cars, big words So famous*
*这就是为什么这个荡♥妇♥纹身还是这么湿的原因*
*That's why this tramp stamp is still damp*
*老兄*
*Champ*
献给我们的军人
That was for the troops.
我最后再检查一下妆容
Last looks.
接下来要登上这个舞台的乐队如此年轻