我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S03E03

Part 3 Feb. 22, 2023, 8:43 p.m.

和迪克生活了十五年的女人
who spent 15 years with Dick.
如果你想想的话这有点特别
It's kind of sophisticated if you think about it.
和我情人的老婆在曼哈顿待的一个晚上
An evening in Manhattan with my lover's wife.
这听起来就像诺埃尔科沃德戏剧
It sounds like a Noel Coward play!
诺埃尔·科沃德爵士(1♥8♥9♥9-1973) 英国剧作家
如果诺埃尔科沃德是个懦夫强♥奸♥犯
If Noel Coward really was a coward who rapes everybody.
谁谁谁想要点比萨
Who-who-who-who wants to order pizza?
七十五
Seventy-five?
奥森你看起来棒极了
Orson, you look fantastic.
你的秘诀是什么
What's your secret?
哦我有三十五岁危地马拉园丁的器官
Well, I have the organs of a 35-year-old Guatemalan gardener.
他死于自然原因
Oh, he died of natural causes.
他倒在了猎枪上
He fell on a shotgun.
谢天谢地我们有随时可用的满是冰块的浴缸
Thank God we had the bathtub full of ice ready to go.
嘿各位
Hey, guys.
你们看过<信息战>吗
You watch Infowars at all?
没有
No?
我要感谢你们今晚来到这里
I want to thank you all for being here tonight,
尤其是斯图尔特和菲比
especially Stewart and Phoebe
他们为了能来这里推迟了
who delayed their honeymoon to Westworld...
去西部世界的蜜月
so they could join us.
真了不起
That's a big deal.
敬五年后再来一次
So here's to doing this again in five years,
那时我会是八十岁
when I'll be 80,
我的器官是四十岁
my organs will be 40,
我不知道如何换算猩猩的年龄
and I don't know how to do orangutan years,
但我的阴♥茎♥会是八岁
but my penis will be eight.
可靠的年龄
Solid age.
但是毕竟各位
But in spite of everything, folks,
我已经变成老头了
I've become an old man,
我有点厌倦了这个董事会会议室
and I'm getting a little tired of the boardroom.
我宁可在蒙大拿开枪打鲑鱼
And I'd rather be in Montana shooting salmon,
我已决定我不打算去参加今年的
so I've decided I'm not going to
美国橄榄球联盟所有人会议
goto the NFL owners meeting this year.
不是时候把火炬传下去了
No, it's time to pass the torch
传给我们的新主席
to our new chairman
和我最棒的儿子杜克
and my best son, Duke.
那么你不再掌管大权
So-so-so you're not gonna be in charge?
而由杜克来掌管吗
Duke is gonna be in charge?
罗斯幸亏有你在可以解释清楚
Thank God you were here to explain it, Russ.
杜克小子恭喜你
Congratulations, Dukey-boy.
什么这种终身待遇还需要理由吗
What? There was a reason for this lifetime of grooming?
我很生你的气那把你的酒泼我身上吧
I'm so mad at you, then throw your drink at me!
杰圭琳你会嫁给我吗
Jacqueline, will you marry me?
你在做什么呢
What are you doing?
杰圭琳说不
Say no, Jacqueline.
你还不至于找这种货色 - 等一下
You could do better. - Wait.
先别说话
Before you say anything...
现在说不
Now say no.
呃
Uh...
羞耻羞耻羞耻
Shame! Shame! Shame!
我看到这里发生了什么
I see what's happening here.
你们不接受我们联姻
You won't accept our union
因为你们发现杰圭琳是印第安人
'cause you found out that Jacqueline is Native American.
让让我
Well, let-- Let me just...
哦她要跑了她要跑了
Oh-ho, she's running. She's running.
我都等不及把这个传到YouTube上了
I can't wait to put this on YouTube.
瞧瞧啊
Look at that!
好的我们到了
Okay, so we're up to...
还是第一页
It's still page one.
老天啊
Lort Jeebus.
你知道迪克有罪对吗
You know Dick's guilty, right?
他跟我在一起后变了一个人
He's different with me.
你大概想知道我们是怎么认识的
You're probably wondering how we met.
不
Nope.
我在全国各地的监狱教授创意写作
I teach creative writing at prisons around the country.
在我的帮助下这些人学着了解他们的阴暗面
With my help, these men learn to access their shadows
并且慢慢治愈
and move toward healing.
我只教男人
I only teach men.
总之几个月之前我在徳恩斯威尔时
Anyhoo, a few months ago, I was in Durnsville,
出现了情况
and... here it comes.
一个囚犯咬了我他当时还被锁着呢
An inmate bit me, and he locked on.
所以警卫电击了他当然也击了我
So the guards tased him, which, of course, tased me.
我躺在地上
And so I'm on the floor,
听到有人说
and I hear someone say,
"我猜这是个咬人创意工坊"
"I guess this is a creative biting workshop."
说这话的就是迪克
And it's Dick.
吉米他在地堡里很有趣吗
Was he funny in the bunker, Kimmy?
当他发疯时
When he got mad
他会把我们锁在一个他称之为"工具箱"的东西里面
he'd lock us in something he called "the toolbox"
因为我们就是他的"工具"
because we were such tools.
tool还有白♥痴♥ 傻瓜之意
这有趣吗
Is that funny?
吉米吉米
Kimmy, Kimmy.
我懂的
I get it.
这对他来说一定很恐怖
It must be horrible...for him
必须忍♥受他做了所有这一切的事实
to have to live with the knowledge that he did all that stuff.
可怜的迪克
Poor Dick.
但至少他现在可以表达他自己
But at least he's expressing himself now.
他给我写了精采美妙的诗
He writes me the most beautiful poems.
我可以为你读一首吗 - 请不要了
May I read you one? - Please don't.
名叫
It's called
<下一次我见你>
The Next Time I See You
作者是里克韦恩
by Rick Wayne.
"下一次我见你
"The next time I see you...
拿来一百美元
bring $100...
我需要拿这钱买♥♥个东西
for a thing I need...
否则我会疯的"
or I'll be mad."
他就像年轻的威廉卡洛斯威廉姆斯
He's like a young William Carlos Williams,
美国诗人以口语化及松散的短句创作而闻名
难道你不觉得吗
don't you think?
温迪你会像那个嫁给
Wendy, are you maybe like that lady
查尔斯曼森的那个女士一样
who married Charles Manson
20世纪60年代臭名昭著的连续杀人犯曼森家族
她会在他死后出♥售♥他的尸体吗
so she could sell his body when he dies?
因为这是一个我们都能理解的关系
'Cause that's a relationship we can all understand.
天啊不
Goodness, no.
理查德选择了我我感到很幸运
I feel lucky Richard chose me.
在审判之后
After the trial,
他可是跟十几个情♥色♥笔友有来往呢
he was juggling about a dozen erotic pen pals.
天啊女人们怎么了
Gah-lee, what is wrong with women?
我不责备她们
I don't blame them.
他非常有魅力
He's so charismatic.
他充满深情的眼睛
Those soulful eyes of his.
你可以看出来他的经历很坎坷
You can tell he's had to overcome a lot.
他妈妈竟然工作过
His mother worked, you know.
温迪他是魔鬼我和他生活了十五年
He's evil, Wendy. I lived with him for 15 years.
听他说起这事你也不是省油的灯
Well, to hear him tell it, you were no picnic either.
吉米
Kimmy!
来我办公室一下好吗
May I see you in my office?
我接受不了
I can't take this.
我感觉就像我们在让一个盲人在炉子上睡觉
I feel like we're letting a blind person go to bed on a stove.
没错你要给她盖好被子然后去上大学
That's right. And you're gonna tuck her in and go to college.
所以你就少操点脑残妞儿的心
So just tune that pasty Felicia out
想点开心的事儿比如
and think happy thoughts, like
一个你可以躺下的马桶
a toilet where you can lie down.
敲敲
Knock, knock.
我几乎忘了
I almost forgot.
金伯莉理查德想要
Kimberly, Richard wants to marry me
戴着他奶奶的结婚戒指娶我
with his grandmother's wedding ring.
那东西我没有
I don't have it.
不他的奶奶戴着它
No, his grandmother has it.