我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S03E07

Part 4 Feb. 22, 2023, 8:44 p.m.

Oh, but you don't want to
不要贸然找他当面对质
go confronting him without practicing first.
万一你搞砸了呢
What if you mess up?
要是你能先找另外一个电视上的骗子先对质一下
If only there were another TV liar you could confront first.
但是泰特斯有这个人啊
But, Titus, there is!
就是那个模仿你的骗子
Your liar guy!
我能够有机会来
Is there any chance I can come--
53街与6街交界处斯巴罗餐馆对面
Fifty-third and Sixth, across from the Sbarro's.
那个"让机场直通你面前"的斯巴罗餐馆
let the airport come to you.
阿蒂古德曼和他的"进步"
Artie Goodman and his progress
以及他的"保证海豚安全所捕获的金枪鱼"
and his dolphin-safe tuna.
我们干嘛要保护它们的安全呢
I mean, why do we have to keep them safe?
它们还携带性病呢
They're riddled with STDs.
去查查就知道了
Just look it up.
小心点女士
Be careful, lady.
哦这是什么
Oh, what is this,
就是那帮变♥态♥修建的假地铁站
one of those fake subway stations that creeps build
它的台阶直通到一个
where the stairs just lead to
有脏阳伞和摄像机的房♥间
a room with a dirty parasol and a video camera?
你肯定会觉得很高大上
You would think that, being so far uptown.
这是T火车的南道格庞斯站
This is the South Doggypaws stop on the T train.
T火车那是
The T train? That's the--
第二大道地铁我知道
Second Avenue Subway. I know!
终于要修建了
It's finally happening.
我觉得喷气式背包会是下一个
I guess jet packs are next.
我说斯特西你竟然没邀请我参加你美妙的屋顶派对
Oh. I'm not invited to your fancy rooftop party, Stacy?
我在40年前就对第二大道地铁不抱希望了
I gave up on the Second Avenue Subway 40 years ago.
我是在做梦吗
Am I dreaming?
嗨快给我脸上来一拳
Hey, punch me in the face.
他们本来应该在第125街停下来
You know they were supposed to stop at 125th,
但是现在他们在那边大搞建设
but now they got that big sludgefront development
还有高级食品杂货店
with the fancy grocery store.
我觉得这是进步
Progress, I guess.
闺蜜该走了
It's time to go, girl.
是时候停手了戴尔博兹先生
It's time to stop, Mr. Dale Bortz.
哦天呐是你
Oh, God, it's you.
瞧吧伙计我可不想惹什么麻烦
Look, man, I don't want any trouble.
太糟了
Too bad,
因为我就像珍妮施曼斯基家的密室游戏一样
'cause I'm like the game closet at Jeanie Shamanski's house.
我只有麻烦
All I got is Trouble!
求你了请别伤害我
Please, please, don't hurt me!
我家里有雪貂
I have ferrets at home!
你最好像我一样吃豆子吃到醉并且往外溢豆子
You better make like me eating beans drunk and spill the beans.
然后把地板上的豆子也吃了
And then eat them off the floor!
闭嘴闺蜜
Shut up, girl.
你是怎么盗取我的声音的
How'd you steal my voice?
你觉得呢他是乌苏拉海妖泰特斯
How do you think? He's an Ursula the Sea Witch, Titus.
不我是个模仿艺人
No. No. I'm an impressionist.
他们给我看了你的试镜
They showed me your audition.
就在我兜里的手♥机♥上
It's on my phone in my pocket.
我说了别扔
I said no throwing!
这是为何他们称我为接手小王子泰特斯
That's why they call me Catchin' Titus.
雪貂婚礼全都是雪貂婚礼
Ferret wedding, ferret wedding, ferret wedding.
该死戴尔
Damn, Dale.
好了找到了
Okay, here we go.
你随时可以开始泰特斯
Whenever you're ready, Titus.
跟你的医生咨♥询♥一下"尿道舒"
Talk to your doctor about Urethrex.
好谢谢
Okay, thanks.
我还可以用不同方式演绎
I can give you options.
跟你的医生咨♥询♥一下州长
Talk to your doctor, Guvna!
跟你的医生咨♥询♥一下"尿道舒"
Talk to your doctor about Urethrex?
跟你的医生咨♥询♥一下州长
Talk to your doctor, Guvna!
谢谢我们很好
Thank you. We're good--
跟你的医生咨♥询♥一下州长
Talk to your doctor, Guvna!
好吧我知道了肯我也同意
Okay, I get it, Ken, and I agree.
问题就在于文字
The problem is the writing.
我是说旋律在哪里
I mean, where's the jingle?
这就是
Oops! It's right here.
"尿道舒"让你舒爽
Urethrex makes you feel good
因为它能再次疏通你的出尿口
'Cause it reopens your peehole
这不是它的功能
That's not what it does.
我没骨头
I have no bones.
该死感觉像那次有只熊淹死在我家泳池一样
Damn it, it's like that time a bear drowned in my pool.
规则一让他们记住你
Rule one: make them remember you.
矮油闺蜜该走了
Foop. It's time to go, girl.
他们把泰特斯的每部分都利用上了
They used every part of the Titus,
包括我信手编造名言警句的能力
including my ability to make up catchphrases at will.
"听话吧小男孩"
"Get small, muchachos."
泰特斯等等
Titus, wait.
里面还有好多你的视频呢
There's more videos of you on there.
什么怎么会
What? How?
这可是家大型制药公♥司♥ 兄弟
This is Big Pharma we're talking about, man.
它们无处不在
They're everywhere.
他们派私♥家♥侦♥探♥跟踪了你好几个月
They've had a P.I. Following you around for months,
给你录音这样我才能学会你的声音
taping you so I could learn your voice.
抱歉你只给了我一个面包
Excuse me. You only gave me a bun.
不是先生
No, sir.
你转过身把香肠吃了
You turn around and eat hot dog.
你现在嘴里还嚼着呢
You still chewing it!
原来你就是这样经营一个热狗摊的
So that's why you run a hot dog cart--
因为你是个嘴巴专家
because you're a mouth expert!
所以每隔一个月就是黑人历史月
So Black History Month is every other month
你都被禁止用脚走路
and you're not allowed to walk?
这是你还在地堡时外面定的规矩
That's the rules they did while you were in the bunker.
好吧书呆子我们就开门见山吧
Okay, nerd, let's get something straight.
现在我有证据出丑的就该是他们了
Well, the joke's on them, 'cause now I have proof.
等我把这个发到我邮箱
Let me just email this to myself.
泰特斯专门反剽窃的
Titus@turkishhackers.Con...
邮箱
with an N.
这之后你必须跟我击个掌
You've got to give me a high five after that.
我不能这么做这是黑人历史月
I can't. It's Black History Month.
我现在可以走了吗
Can I go now?
我得在飓风来临前离开
I have to leave before the storm hits.
迷你库珀车沾水就会缩小
Mini Coopers shrink when they get wet.
该去找气象员算账了
Time to go fudge up a weatherman.
快点杜朗齐
Come on, Drench.
快出来看看你的"飓风"
Come outside and see your storm.
你知道真正的雨总有一天会来的
You know, someday a real rain will come
并且会冲刷街头的一切污秽
and wash all the scum off the streets.
你知道这是个很高深的问题优子
You know, that is a very advanced question, YUKO.
我喜爱你的好奇心
I love your curiosity.
但实际上不
But, in fact, no, rain and tears are different.
雨和泪是不同的看到这
See, the--
你会因为骗人而坐穿牢底的
You're gonna rot in heck for tricking people!
因为骗人的把戏是耍小孩子的
'Cause tricks are for kids, and I'm all out of kids.
是因为我欠的钱吗而我早就不是孩子了
Is this about the money I owe?
我还以为所有的自助餐都是随意取的
I thought all parts of the buffet were unlimited!
承认吧杜朗齐桑德曼根本就没有飓风
Admit there's no storm, Drench Thunderman.
什么
What?
你就是在吓唬人们好让他们一直看你的节目
You're just scaring people so they'll keep watching.
好吧也许我有点出格了
Okay, maybe I go a little overboard.
一点
A little?
你让<出格>这部电影看上去就像一部轻喜剧
You make the movie Overboard look like a lighthearted comedy
而不是一个杂物工通过大脑受伤
instead of a messed-up story about a handyman
征服一个女人的烂故事
enslaving a woman with a brain injury.
你撒谎了
You lied.
没有我只是需要人们倾听
No, I just need people to listen.
数据显示塔米就要袭击纽约了
The data says Tammi-with-an-I is gonna hammer New York.
是有时候我是会犯错譬如赫米飓风和马修飓风
Yeah, sometimes I'm wrong, like with Hermine and Matthew.
但是桑迪飓风就很可怕
But Sandy was terrible.
每个天气系统都是独特的