我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S03E07

Part 5 Feb. 22, 2023, 8:44 p.m.

Every weather system is unique,
但是今天气压表在下降
but today the barometer is falling,
大西洋太暖和了
the Atlantic is too warm,
我小腿上的植入物快让我疼死了
and my calf implants are killing me.
这就说明飓风快要来了
There is a storm coming.
好吧
Okay.
也许你没有说谎
Maybe you're not lying.
只在我的名字上撒谎了
Only about my name.
我的名字实际是瑞奇安斯普瑞寇
It's actually Ricky Ann Sprinkles.
每次飓风都不相同
And every storm is different.
对就跟雪花一样或者是赛百味三明治艺术家
Exactly, just like snowflakes or Subway sandwich artists.
或者是地堡
Or bunkers.
也许地堡也能成为好东西
Maybe a bunker can be a good thing,
一个安全的地方
a safe place.
我得去建一个地堡
I've got a bunker to build.
你可真会帮忙
Well, you were a lot of help!
如果那是金克拉尔来的家伙呢
What if that had been the guy from Golden Corral?
好吧泰特斯被你抓到了
All right, Titus, you got us.
我们尿道舒的膀胱就是根据你做的
We based the Urethrex bladder on you.
最好赶紧给我钱
Bitch better have my money.
问题是我们不用给钱
The thing is, bitch doesn't have to have your money.
看你在试镜时签的是一揽子协议
See, you signed a blanket release at your audition.
我们拥有你的声音、相貌以及独特风格的使用权
We own your voice, your likeness, and your unique sense of style.
你是说"窈窕基儿"的风格吗
You mean Uptown Gayby?
是不过我们管它叫"时髦筒子"
We call it Dumpster Sassy, but, yes.
我实在是不理解甚至有点糊涂
I don't overstand. I don't even understand.
如果你们真这么喜欢我为什么不用我呢
If you liked me so much, why didn't you hire me?
泰特斯在那次试镜之后我们得知了两件事
Titus, after that audition, we knew two things.
我们不可能用你
There was no way we were gonna hire you.
而且我们对尿道舒的推广有了一个新的想法
And we had a whole new concept for the Urethrex campaign.
你看最初的膀胱更像乌克尔
You see, the original bladder was more of an Urkel,
就是一个不招人待见的呆萌书呆子形象
a sweet nerd who shows up whenever he isn't wanted.
书呆子是最糟糕的我可受不了他们
Nerds are the worst. I shove them.
你的无厘头让我们认识到
Your nonsense made us realize
如果以一个坏蛋形象出现效果要好得多
that the bladder could be much more effective as a villain.
坏蛋但是
Villain? But...
泰特斯膀胱是个英雄
But Titus the bladder is a hero.
他让那位女士远离室外的那匹臭气熏天的马
He keeps that lady from getting on a smelly outdoor horse.
他阻止了她跟一个孩子一起玩
He stops her from hanging out with a child.
他不让她跟她那位不地道的老公跳舞
He saves her from dancing with that basic husband of hers.
那个家伙讲话总是不招人待见
That guy puts the "No thanks" In "Thanks, but no thanks."
不
No.
所有这些都是女人想做的
Those are all things the woman wants to do.
这个膀胱不是个英雄
The bladder isn't a hero.
它毁了那个女人的一生
It's ruining that woman's life,
就像你毁了你的试镜一样
like you ruined your audition.
这么说我是个坏蛋
So I'm the bad guy?
那个面包里的确有香肠
There was a hot dog in that bun.
我只是想多骗一个
I was just trying to get another one.
我们知道泰特斯
We know, Titus.
要不要吃片壮♥阳♥药♥ 然后去水族馆
Want to take boner pills and go to an aquarium?
你知道的
You know it.
流氓
Scab
你这个流氓
You're a scab!
五个男人看一个洞
It takes five guys to watch a hole.
你不是想知道我怎么了吗
You want to know what's wrong with me?
我讨厌变化
I hate change,
因为我生命中的每一个变化都不是好事
'cause every change in my life has been rotten--
我丈夫死了我总是被公共自行车撞到
my husband dying, me constantly getting hit by Citi Bikes,
来电显示让我再也不能挑逗别人
caller ID ruining my crank yanking,
还有这颗痣
and this mole.
看上去好像骷髅
Looks like a skull.
早上还是密歇根
This morning, it was Michigan.
变化太快了
It's changing too fast.
然后
But then...
我就看见了南道格庞斯地铁站
I saw the South Doggypaws subway station.
在我一生中 "进步"就是个谎言
All my life, progress has been a lie.
但既然你把钱花到了正地方不只是动动嘴而已
But then you put your money where your mouth is.
现在我想要和你动动嘴
And now I'd like to put my mouth where your mouth is.
你尝起来好像薄荷糖
You taste like Velamints.
嗨天啊我们最好离开这里
Oh, w-we better get out of here.
我们会感冒感死的
We'll catch our death.
我们最好躲进屋里
We better get inside.
我们这个岁数的人不能在外面淋雨了
We can't be out in the rain at our age.
我嫂子菲利斯很有活力
My sister-in-law, Phyllis--
还加入了网球队什么都积极参与
very active, tennis group, the whole thing--
头发湿着的时候出去了一次
goes outside one time with wet hair...
就死掉了
dead!
我们叫辆出租车吧
We'll get a cab.
只要一打表就得收两美元
But they charge two bucks just to turn on the meter.
是刷我的信♥用♥卡♥
And do I swipe my charge card,
还是用更高科技的支付方式
or is it this business with the chip?
哇神奇的高科技
Oh, the amazing chip.
我喜欢爱的感觉
I love love.
泰特斯我要在这个公♥寓♥里
Titus, I'm building a bunker,
建个地堡
here in this apartment.
但是这次地堡得照我的意思建造
But it's gonna be my bunker this time.
这样才公平
So it's gonna be fair.
人们不会因为扮成牧师去参加万圣节
People don't get extra beans
而得到额外的豆子
just because they went as the Reverend for Halloween.
这会很好玩的
It's gonna be fun.
我们可以玩我从垃圾桶里捡回来的棋盘游戏
We're gonna play those board games I found in the trash.
等等
Wait.
你为什么在给芭比梳头发
Why are you doing the Barbies' hair?
你只有在心烦意乱的时候才玩发型师泰特斯
You only do Salon de Titus when you're upset.
我是个坏人吉米
I'm a villain, Kimmy.
也许这说明了我为什么这么喜欢斗篷
Maybe that's why I love capes so much.
这些年来我把自己的失败
All these years, I blamed a cruel and jealous world
全都归咎于世界的残酷和妒嫉
for my lack of success,
实际上都是我的过错
but it's my fault.
因为我就跟那个小膀胱一样我只关心自己的事情
Because like that little bladder, I only care about number one.
别这么说不是这样的
Come on. That's not true.
我毁掉了摆在我面前的每一个机会
I've ruined every opportunity I've ever been given.
但是你得到了<桃花心木>里的角色
But you got that part in Mahogany.
巧合而已
By accident.
但是他们都喜欢你你是这出戏的主角啊
And they loved you. You were the star of the show.
我打赌他们还会再次让你担任 - 不可能
I bet they'd hire you again in a-- - Never.
他们永远不会再用我了
They'll never hire me again in a million years!
为什么
Why?
你做什么了
What did you do?
这是泰特斯干过的最坏的事
The worst thing Titus has ever done...
不可思议的事情
the unthinkable.
你说什么呢泰特斯
What are you saying, Titus?
你有什么事儿没跟我说过
What haven't you told me?
我什么都没说
Everything!
但就像是得了过动症的膀胱一样
But like an overactive bladder...
我得发泄出来闺蜜
I got to let it out, girl!