我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S03E02

Part 4 Feb. 22, 2023, 8:42 p.m.

Well, let me prove you wrong.
我和杰夫今天一起去打笼中棒球
Jeff and I are supposed to go to the batting cages today.
跟我们一起去吧
Just come with us.
拜托了
Please.
我确实有个棒球棒
I do own a baseball stick now.
冰箱不是开玩笑吧
Refrigerator? Seriously?
是啊这台冰箱是八十年代产的我妈超级喜欢熊队
Yep, it was the '80s, and my mom really loved the Bears.
但就是别人都叫我中间名的原因佩里
But that's why I go by my middle name, Perry.
我在印第安纳州的时候
In Indiana,
照顾过一个叫德特芙史伦夫的小姑娘
I used to babysit a little girl named Detlef Schrempf.
所以
Um, so...
这是我的父母
this is my mom and dad,
这两个是我的姐妹佩顿和迪卡塔
and those are my sisters, Payton and Ditka.
我爸之前在杜丝糖果厂当保安
My dad was a security guard at the Tootsie Roll factory...
好棒啊
That's awesome!
直到他被抢劫犯用枪打死
...till he got shot by robbers...
靠真惨
...ful. That's awful.
他从栏杆上翻了下去
...fell over a railing and
被吸进了巧克力拌合机里
got sucked into a chocolate-mixing machine.
不
Oh, no.
但还是挺厉害的
Still a little bit awesome.
我父亲去世后我就扛起了照顾家庭的担子
After that, it was up to me to take care of the family.
所以我到现在才能上大学
That's why I'm just going to school now.
抱歉那太糟糕了
I'm sorry. That stinks on ice.
但你无法控制世界
But you can't control the world.
你只能控制自己回应世界的方式
You can only control how you choose to respond to it.
这是我学习哲学的一部分原因
It's part of why I got into philosophy.
如何做个好人
What does it mean to be a good person,
如何做出选择
and how do you make those choices?
也许哲学能帮上我
Maybe philosophy can help me.
我的朋友们希望我做出一个选择可我办不到
My friends want me to make a choice, and it's impossible.
他们俩人势均力敌
They both seem equally good or bad,
而我困在中间无法选择
and I'm just stuck in the middle.
就像<布里丹之驴>讲的那样
Like Buridan's Ass.
是个关于自♥由♥意志的寓言
It's a parable about free will.
那不就是我嘛 - 那不就是我嘛
So, if a perfectly rational donkey... - That's me!
被放在两堆一模一样的干草中间
gets placed between two identical bales of hay,
驴是无法做出选择的
the donkey won't be able to choose one over the other,
所以它会饿死
and so it will starve to death.
完美
That's perfect.
那我就直接饿死吧这样就不用选了
I can just starve to death, and I won't have to choose.
可是根据斯宾诺沙的观点
But, well, according to Spinoza,
驴其实是没有理性的
the donkey isn't actually rational
因为选择本身就是善行
because making a choice is a good in itself.
好吧所以有时候驴得选择
Okay, so sometimes the donkey's just got to choose
要吃哪块儿披萨
which pizza it's gonna eat.
在我脑中已经换成披萨了可以吗
In my head, I changed it to pizza. Can I do that?
当然可以这就是个思维实验
Sure, it's all just a thought experiment.
没必要非得是驴啊
It doesn't even have to be a donkey.
如果你喜欢也可以是独角兽
It could be a unicorn, if you want.
独角兽该选纸杯蛋糕了
It's time for this unicorn to choose a cupcake.
我又改了
I changed it again.
快点
Come on!
你球棒挥太低了混♥蛋♥
You're swinging down, jackass.
你击球的时候身体要放松点
You got to loosen up that stance, huh?
你打棒球就像迈克尔乔丹一样
You play baseball like Michael Jordan.
你打篮球就跟约翰克鲁克一样
And you play basketball like John Kruk!
我有次在派对上见到了迈克尔乔丹
I met Michael Jordan at a party once,
后来才发现是一个用硬纸板剪的人像
but then it turned out to be a cardboard cutout.
而且也不是派对
Also, it wasn't a party.
是麦当劳的游乐区
It was a McDonald's PlayPlace
我在那里想要躲开一些少年
where I was hiding from some teenagers.
伙计我真是受不了了
Bro, you're killing me.
别把你全身的重量集中在后脚上
You got to get your weight off your back foot.
没错这样才像样嘛
Oh, yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about!
好了让我看看你的本事裕子
All right, show me what you got, Yuko.
声音评估结束
Voice evaluation complete.
设置投球方式为基本级别
Setting pitching style for "Basic Dudebro."
是啊你懂的
Yeah, you know it!
我都跟你说了他爱你 - 什么
Told you he was in love with you. - What?
你当时在看什么电影
What movie were you watching?
我手♥机♥上的<星梦泪痕>
Glitter, on my phone.
但我注意到了那男孩看你的样子
But I saw the way that boy was looking at you.
别扯了只是普通朋友的目光
That's crazy. This is just friend stuff.
你现在是认真的吗
Are you serious right now?
我的天呐
Oh, my Lord.
米奇我一直都喜欢你的天真
Mikey, I have always loved your naïveté,
但你别让我把话说得太过直白
but don't make me spell it out for you,
因为我的法语老师斯克鲁格斯女士
because my French teacher was named Madame Scruggs.
泰特斯杰夫从来没有对我放过电
Titus, Jeff has never hit on me.
这一切都是你的胡思乱想
This is all in your own head.
别这么想我们也别折磨你自己
Don't do this to us. Don't do this to yourself.
我只是说也许到了某个时候
I'm just saying, at some point...
那个叫猪夫的会采取行动
Jooff is going to make his move,
你会跑回来告诉我
and you're gonna come running back to me,
"泰特斯你说得对
saying, "Titus, you were right.
你皮肤今天看起来棒极了"
Also, your skin looks amazing today."
你这是要把我逼死啊老兄
You're killing me, pal.
现在球已经被打到你的场地了
So now the ball's in your court.
瞧我还是懂棒球的
See, I know baseball.
那人终于走了
Finally.
你怎么认识那个人的
How do you even know that guy?
怎么认识是什么意思
What do you mean how do I know him?
哦不哇哦
Oh, no. Oh, wow.
哦老兄
Oh, brother.
声音评估结束
Voice evaluation complete.
设置托尼丹泽投球方式
Setting pitching style for "Tony Danza."
好莱坞男星曾在80年代喜剧中扮演退役棒球手
什么东西两只手两只脚
What's got two hands, two feet,
而且超会做选择
and is amazing at making choices?
这个姑娘我投票了
This gal! I voted!
还有顺便问一句莉莲
And by the way, Lillian,
你关于大学的说法是不对的
you were wrong about college.
我今天才意识到这不仅仅是我想怎么死的问题
I realized today that it's not just about how I want to die.
而是我想怎么活的问题
It's about how I want to live.
我不想就当一个交通协管员
I don't just want to be a crossing guard.
我想学会如何真正去思考
I want to learn how to really think.
告诉我们你投给谁了
Just tell us who you voted for.
这是典型的布里丹之驴的境遇啊 - 谢谢
Well, it's a classic Buridan's Ass. - Thank you.
关于烂泥区我不知道你俩谁说得对
I don't know which one of you is right about the sludgefront,
但斯宾诺沙说我得做选择
but Spinoza said I had to make a choice.
斯宾诺沙那个西班牙裔DJ
Spin-Noza? The Sephardic DJ?
也许吧
Maybe.
最后我相信
And in the end, I trust
莉莲会做出正确的事
Lillian to do what's right for this neighborhood.
这是一定的
It's a mandate!
我有百分之百的投票率
One hundred percent of the vote!
好了卡斯塔珀掌权后第一天
Okay, day one of the Kaushtupper regime
把中♥央♥公园里的拉车马赶走
get rid of the carriage horses in Central Park.
第二天拉车马肉炖汤人人有份
Day two, carriage-horse stew for all!
罗斯不在我一点指望都没有
I'm just hopeless without Russ.
天呐
Oh, God,
我好怀念他那颗烂齿的味道
I miss the smell of his one dead tooth
以及每次我们接吻的时候
and how it squishes under my tongue
那颗牙在我舌头下嘎吱嘎吱作响
when we kiss.
亲爱的
Honey,
不是你傻
you're not a dum-dum.
只是老娘我太彪悍了
I'm just the baddest bitch in the game.
好啦
Come on.
我允许让你请我吃牛排庆祝一番
I'm gonna let you buy me a congratulations steak.
吉米你不会后悔的
And, Kimmy, you are not gonna regret this.