我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S03E12

Part 2 Feb. 22, 2023, 8:45 p.m.

Lillian, modern technology can take care of all of that.
我们去小发明商店看看吧
We're going to the gizmo store.
过去的一年我的日子过得不像
This past year has not been as effortless
我优雅的外表所表现出的轻松自在
as my nonstop elegance,
但跟罗斯在一起我觉得做这一切都是值得的
but with Russ, I feel like I am finally getting my reward.
我只想让他俯身在椅子上然后
I just wanna bend him over a chair and...
然后怎么样
And do what?
你为何要告诉我这些
Why are you telling me this?
我总得找人吹嘘一下
Well, I have to brag to someone,
跟吉米讨论男人
and talking to Kimmy about guys...
的确很不爽
Ugh, it's such a bummer,
她常问我
and she's always like,
他跟爱德华弗隆一样可爱吗
"Is he as cute as Edward Furlong?"
然后你就得详细跟她讲讲
And then you have to walk her through
爱德华弗隆现在是什么模样然后
what Edward Furlong looks like now, and then...
眼泪就出来了 - 眼泪出来了
Here come the waterworks. - here come the waterworks.
杰圭琳
Jacqueline!
你看我多了块腹肌出来
Look! I found a new stomach muscle.
到椅子旁边来给我看看
Show me by a chair.
泰特斯灿有个电视节目
Titus, Xan has a TV show--
灿是谁
Who's Xan?
她自己的节目吗我真讨厌她
She has her own show? I hate her.
你会介绍我吗
Will you introduce me?
我跟她说过我会参加
I told her I'd be a guest on it.
节目名叫<简介> - 真的吗
It's called Profiles. - Really?
她非得给节目起这个名字吗
Is she married to that?
这不公平
It's not fair.
首先杰圭琳有了个魔鬼身材的帅哥
First Jacqueline gets a hottie with a body,
这是1994年我有版权的词
trademark me, 1994,
而你现在要上电视
and now you're gonna be on TV,
电视可是另一个黄金时代的产物啊
and TV's in yet another golden age.
相信我我知道其中利害
Believe me, I know.
唐尼沃尔伯格先生正是出于这样的机会
Mr. Donnie Wahlberg gave up music superstardom
放弃了音乐巨星的地位
for exactly this kind of opportunity.
可是灿想让我聊聊地堡之事
But Xan wants me to talk about the bunker.
每个人都可以在互联网上看我已经够糟糕了
It's bad enough that everyone can just look me up on the Internet,
而我不希望人们把我当成某个"象征"
but I don't want people to see me as some symbol.
别担心
Don't worry.
你在所有人心目中的形象都是"泰特斯的半老徐娘"
Everyone just thinks of you as Titus' busted hag.
我知道我一定要这么做
I know I have to do this.
只是我不晓得如何讨论这件事
I just don't know how to talk about it.
问问你朋友辛蒂吧
Ask your friend Cyndee. She talks about the bunker all the time.
她可是无时无刻不在聊着地堡的事
She talks about the bunker all the time.
我是辛蒂波科尔尼
I'm Cyndee Pokorny.
我和其他印第安纳的什么女性
"Me and the other Indiana 'blank' women
都是以这种穴居啮齿类的动物名字命名
were named after this burrowing rodent."
真不敢相信我在向辛蒂波科尔尼求教
I can't believe I'm asking Cyndee Pokorny for advice.
上次她在这里吃光了
Last time she was here,
我所有的塑料芭比水果
she ate all my plastic Barbie fruit.
那些水果小到根本不像是真的辛蒂
It's too small to be real, Cyndee.
吉米你得帮帮我
Kimmy? You gotta help me.
我不喜欢这里
I don't like it here.
你在哪里
Where are you?
太可怕了
It's awful.
好像是叫贾维茨中心
It's called... the Javits Center.
我马上到
I'll be right there.
我告诉你先生
Let me tell you, sir,
如果我被困在帮客地堡中
if I'd been kept in a BunCo bunker,
我永远都出不去
I never would have gotten out.
很好你能再扯一下门吗
That's great. Can you struggle with the door a little bit?
辛蒂
Cyndee.
你怎么没告诉我你在纽约
Why didn't you tell me you were in New York?
我不知道
I had no idea.
帮客地堡叫我去哪儿我就去哪儿
I just go where BunCo tells me,
通过这里的地形
and from the looks of this place,
我猜我们在达拉斯或者休斯顿
I just assumed we were in Dallas... or Houston.
这里太压抑了
It's so depressing here.
天花板上还悬着希拉里泄了气的气球
There are still Hillary balloons in the ceiling.
见到你真好
Well, it's good to see you,
不过我赶时间
but I'm kinda on the clock,
咱们快点开始吧
so let me do my pitch real quick.
你已经把她弄到车里了
So... you've got her in your van.
现在怎么办帮客地堡
Now what? BunCo...
你是怎么做到的
Okay, how do you do that?
在这么多人面前聊事情经过
Talk about what happened in front of, like, all these people?
我想有两件事我比你更了解
So I guess there's two things I know more about than you.
聊聊地堡的事和我妈妈的电♥话♥号♥
Talking about bunkers and my mom's phone number.
我不喜欢这里
I don't like it here.
亲爱的
Honey!
给你看看我新的开门力量
Look at my new door-opening strength.
根本毫不费力
Like it's nothing!
这是谁送你的礼品篮
Who sent you a gift basket?
其实是送你的是布拉沃电台的安迪科恩
Actually, it's for you from Andy Cohen at... Bravó!
噢不
Oh, no.
听我说离婚之后
Look, after my divorce,
我状态一直不好
I was not at my best.
我吃的是残羹冷炙
I ate leftovers.
我报名参加了耶佳缘网基♥督♥教♥徒♥交往的网站
I signed up for JDate, Christian Mingle,
后来发现原来是伊♥斯♥兰♥国的招聘网站
and what turned out to be an ISIS recruitment site,
在某个特别消沉的时刻
and in a particularly low moment,
我可能发了一张试听带给<纽约贵妇的真实生活>
I may have sent in an audition tape for Real Housewives of New York.
永不过时的唯一办法
The only thing that never goes out of style
就是追随潮流
is being in it.
等下你会见到我的助理金伯莉
Wait till you meet my assistant, Kimberly.
过来这儿你这个喝醉的贱♥人♥
Get over here, you drunk slut.
这录像机是干嘛的
What's the camera for?
我们在做哈林摇摆吗
Are we doing a Harlem Shake?
闪边去吧穆沙舒
Get small, muchachos.
等等我知道这节目
Wait, I know that show.
我曾经无偿地帮过一名豪华轿车的司机
I did some pro bono work for a limo driver
因为有个女人朝他胯部泼
who was scalded after one of those women
窈窕淑女热棕榈酒灼伤了他
threw a Skinnygirl hot toddy on his crotch.
现在安迪科恩想见我了
Now Andy Cohen wants to meet with me?
我感到很不好意思罗斯
I'm so embarrassed, Russ.
这不像我自己
That's not who I am anymore.
因为你带子里的那个女人死了
Because of you, the woman on that tape is dead.
天啊我希望这是第一次有人对
Boy, I wish that was the first time
斯奈德家的人用这种口气说话
that had been said to a Snyder.
现在我唯一关心的"真人秀"
Now the only reality show I care about
是为全世界毫无姿色的女性
is providing affordable dental care
提供可负担得起的牙科保健
to young women all over the world who busted.
或者
Or...
拯救这家伙
saving this guy...
濒临灭绝的物种
from extinction.
没错海地厕鼠
Right, right. The Haitian toilet rat.
噢我们尽量用学名
Oh, we're trying to use the scientific name,
海地长吻猬
Hispaniolan solenodon.
让人们关注这些小家伙并不容易
It's not easy to get people to care about this little fella
它们对人类的排泄物甘之如饴
and his unquenchable thirst for human poop.
如果你真的想帮忙宣传
Well, if you really want to get the word out,
那些<贵妇的真实生活>节目不是很流行吗
those Real Housewife shows are popular, right?
什么
What?
可以确定的是有280万人看到我客户的生殖器被除去
I know for a fact that 2.8 million people saw my client's genitals get erased.
嗯那会引起注意
Well, it would raise awareness.
这比<鼠桶挑战>有更高的关注
Certainly more than the Rat Bucket Challenge.
但没成功 - 对
That did not work. - No.
我们去见见那家伙
So let's just meet with this guy.
如果你真的认为这是一个好主意
If you really think it's a good idea.
你买♥♥了更多份今天的<邮报>
Did you buy more copies of today's Post?
是啊
Yeah, it's just...
报纸也不经常说谁从"衰男变帅男"