我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S03E08

Part 3 Feb. 22, 2023, 8:44 p.m.

所以好在你没吃了迪昂华薇克
Heh, so it's a good thing you didn't eat Dionne Warwick,
对吗泰特斯 - 现在还不好说
right, Titus? - Too soon.
第四条
Rule number four:
不可以打架
no fighting.
除非你是一只河马
Unless you're a hippo
为一堆美味的弹珠而战
and you're fighting over a bunch of delicious marbles.
最后一条不玩心理游戏
Because the final rule is no mind games.
只玩棋类游戏
Only board games.
大家玩起来吧
So let's have fun!
谁喜欢玩大富翁
Now, who likes Monopoly?
我可不玩就是为了付房♥租的游戏
Ew. I'm not playing a game where the whole point is to pay rent.
什么
What?
我只是释放我幽默的本性而已
I'm just being my hilarious self
此刻我的灵魂没有背负最黑暗的秘密
now that my soul isn't burdened with its darkest secrets.
我很激动地告诉大家
I'm so excited to say that here,
自我们节目开播五小时内
in hour five of our telethon,
我们已经筹集了二十多万美元五辆为孩子捐的车
we have raised over $200,000, five cars for kids,
以及一个三米长派对特大号♥加肉三明治
and a ten-foot party hoagie with extra gabbagool.
请为塔米飓风出一份力量
So take that, Hurricane Tammi-with-an-I!
该死每一套都缺件
Dang it! All of these are missing pieces.
吉米所有东西都不完整
We're all missing something, Kimmy.
"大富翁"里少了个小帽子
The little hat from Monopoly.
Monopoly Operation Clue Life 均为桌游
"大作战"里少了镊子
The tweezers from Operation.
"线索"里少了绳子
And Clue is missing the rope,
那是第四好武器
which is, like, the fourth best weapon.
闺蜜那顶多是第五
Girl. Fifth best.
"生命"里少了婴儿挂钩
And Life's got no baby pegs.
那些在最后都很值钱的
Those are worth money at the end.
除非你卖♥♥他们的器官
Guess you sell their organs or something.
这没什么大不了的
It's not a big deal.
可是没有"好玩的游戏" 怎么能称之为"乐堡"呢
I mean, you can't spell "Funker" Without fun games,
但其中一个肯定
but one of these has to...
有了
Jackpot!
这套拼图还没拆封
This puzzle is still in the shrink-wrap,
所以不可能缺件的
so it can't have any pieces missing!
奶酪通心粉
Just macaroni and cheese?
这是一个关于形状和颜色的经典挑战
That is a classic shape and color challenge.
全景拼图啊你已经超越你自己了
Ravensburger, you've outdone yourselves.
布鲁斯斯普林斯汀先生
Thank you, Mr. Bruce Springsteen,
感谢您演唱的这首动人歌♥曲<暴雨暴雨快离去>
for that moving rendition of "Rain, Rain, Go Away."
我希望老天能够听到
I hope it does.
我希望老天能够听到
I hope it does.
接下来我与这支儿童合唱团
Now me and this children's choir
将为大家演唱<朋友的力量>
are gonna sing "That's What Friends Are For"
歌♥词特地为新泽西而改编
with New Jersey-specific lyrics.
*帕拉姆斯*
*Paramus*
黑漆漆的我们要做点什么
What are we going to do in the dark?
那是什么声音
What's that noise?
是查克舒默在那儿喝汤吗
Is Chuck Schumer eating soup in here?
别担心我早有准备
Don't worry. I'm prepared for this.
准备享受惬意吧
Get ready to get friggin' cozy.
可是又没有音乐 - 泰特斯给我们唱
But there's no music. - Titus could sing for us.
让我们听听你想象中的
Oh, yes, let's hear
迪昂华薇克在嫉妒什么
what Dionne Warwick was so jealous of in your imagination.
我觉得泰特斯不会想讨论和游轮有关系的事情的
Oh, I don't think Titus wants to talk about the cruise anymore.
我不提的只是不可告人的耻辱而已金伯莉
That only applies to my secret shame, Kimberly.
阿蒂现在问的可是我的光辉历史
Artie's asking about my public glory.
聚光灯走起
Spotlight, please.
*泰特斯有个故事*
*Titus has a tale*
*要讲*
*To tell*
这音乐剧是桃花心木
The musical was Mahogany.
我当时在剧组干游工
I was hired as a swing member of the cast.
你们肯定不懂这行的术语
For those of you who don't know the lingo,
游工就是给合唱团伴唱
that means I sang with the chorus,
并且负责黑暗中转换幕景的人
and it was my responsibility to move the scenery in the dark,
不过我没做这个
which I did not do.
迪昂小姐一直罩着我
Miss Dionne took me under her wing.
你做祷告吗泰特斯
Do you pray, Titus?
至少一天祷告一次当我吃东西被卡到的时候
At least once a day when I choke on something.
你该好好赞美耶稣
You should praise Jesus,
因为它赐予你一副好嗓子
because you are blessed with a voice.
泰特斯
Titus,
你让帕蒂拉贝尔听起来好像巴瑞怀特
you make Patti LaBelle sound like Barry White.
Patti LaBelle和Barry White为美国黑人歌♥手一男一女
我应该知道的
And I should know.
因为我采访过他们两个
Because I've done EpiPens on both of them.
我会坐在她脚边吸取她的智慧
I would sit at her feet, taking in her wisdom,
她告诉我忘记歌♥词后该如何说
like how when you forget the lyrics, you just say...
她还告诉我小玉米对嗓子很有好处
And she taught me that baby corns are very good for your voice.
在吞食小块的过程中它会按♥摩♥你的声带
The nubs massage your vocal cords on the way down.
不过你得保证它足够湿润
But you got to keep 'em wet.
湿润小玉米是歌♥手的最佳拍档
A wet baby corn is a singer's best friend.
明白了吗
See?
我会在每次演出之前
I would run and get them for her
跑去船上的沙拉吧给她拿些小玉米
from the ship's salad bar before every performance.
但后来有一天迪昂小姐生病了
But then one day, Miss Dionne took ill.
噢不现在不行
Oh, no, no, no. Not now.
华薇克小姐今天犯了个错误
Miss Warwick made the mistake
她沿着泳池的管道滑梯滑下去了
of going down the tube slide at the pool today.
我喜欢滑梯
I love a slide.
船上戏水的地方可真不能去泰特斯
You never want to go near the water on these boats, Titus,
尤其是热水缸和泳池
especially the hot tubs and pools.
它们基本上就是不会冲水的厕所
They're basically un-flushed toilets.
华薇克小姐我想我们应该取消今天的演出
Miss Warwick, I think we should cancel today's performances.
节目一定得演啊里基厄尔
But the show must go on, Ricky Earl!
我的小泰特斯可以代替我
My little Titus can go on in my place.
他准备好了 - 我
He's ready. - Me?
华薇克小姐我不知道该说什么
Miss Dionne, I-I don't know what to say.
那就别说了
Don't say a thing.
唱歌♥吧
Sing.
*那些胖子们*
*Those fatties*
*就该被消遣*
*Shall be entertained!*
接下来的两天
I went on
我作为跨性别的特蕾西钱伯斯登台
as a gender-blind Tracey Chambers for the next two days,
演出了九个节目惊艳亮相
all nine shows, and I was amazing!
我成了午夜自助餐的话题中心
I was the talk of the midnight buffet,
这次的理由可是正面的
and this time for good reasons.
但后来
But then...
发生了火灾船沉了
we caught on fire, and the ship sank,
大家都平安无事
but everyone's fine.
*故事就这样结束了*
*End of story.*
噢太棒了
Aw! Bravo!
噢天啊
Oh, boy!
当时我们在地堡时熄灯后我们听的唯一一首歌♥
The only music we had when the lights went out in the bunker
就是那个小女孩唱的拉丁语歌♥
was that little girl singing in Latin.
她是谁呀
Ha! Who was she?
还剩一片
Just one more to go.
等等最后的一片呢
Wait, where's the last piece?
不对啊
No. No, no, no, no.
不可能这样的
This can't be happening.
这是全新的刚从塑料袋拆开的
It was brand-new in the plastic and everything.
密封包装都是骗人的
Shrink-wrap is a scam.
这就像汽车旅馆
It's like at a motel when they
马桶座上套的那玩意儿
put that piece of paper across the toilet seat.
没错套上了就以为是个新马桶了
Oh, yeah, like it's a new toilet or something.
那我们成什么了白♥痴♥吗
What are we, idiots?
吉米他们要是一直这样子我只好走人了
Kimmy! If they keep doing that, I'm leaving!
谁都不许走
No one's allowed to leave!
不
No.
刚才是地堡里讲的话
That's the bunker.