我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S03E03

Part 1 Feb. 22, 2023, 8:43 p.m.

我本坚强
第三季第三集
戏剧社
哥伦比亚大学
法语俱乐部
辩论
模拟联♥合♥国♥
羽毛球
舞蹈团
极限飞盘
非常好的飞盘
7月4日独♥立♥日快乐
社区服务
费恩和维吉尔的傻孩子说
"红皮肤人不是冒犯的话"
杰圭琳 - 稍等
Jacqueline! - In a minute.
我在克里斯蒂家买♥♥了个礼物
I picked up that gift at Christie's.
那家拍卖♥♥行不是克莉丝堤腰带折扣店
The auction house, not Christie's Discount Belts.
糟糕的是我现在变成了购物机会主义者
A mistake that I turned into a "Shopportunity."
这是一颗星星
It's a star!
吉米谢谢你
Thank you, Kimmy.
今天是奥森斯奈德的七十五岁生日
It's Orson Snyder's 75th birthday.
看看我给他弄来了什么
Look at what I found him.
你为他准备了乒乓球拍
You got him a Ping-Pong paddle?
那把阿甘用来打败了中国队的乒乓球拍
The Ping-Pong paddle that Forrest Gump used to defeat the Chinese.
当你在地堡时
While you were in the bunker,
我们发现阿甘是真的
we found out that Forrest Gump is real.
哇 - 嗯
Wow. - Mm-hmm.
那罗斯回来参加派对吗
So is Russ coming back for the party?
我真该给你在克莉丝堤折扣店
I should've bought you one of those sexy clear belts
买♥♥一条这样性感明亮的腰带
I saw at Christie's.
你可以看到一切
You can see everything.
其实罗斯今天下午回来了
Actually, Russ got back this afternoon.
他时差反应很大我正让他睡觉
He's just so jet-lagged, I'm letting him sleep.
今晚是重要的一晚
Tonight is a big night.
我们计划让红人队改名的第一步
Step one in our plan to get the Redskins to change their name.
让我猜猜那个计划 - 不要了
Ooh, let me guess the plan. - Please don't.
在派对上你建议大家玩真心话大冒险
At the party, you suggest everyone play Truth or Dare.
你知道那是错的
You know that's wrong.
如果他们选择冒险他们敢改名字
If they choose dare, dare them to change the name.
他们必须这么做
They have to do it.
如果他们选真心话告诉他们你是印第安人
If they go truth, tell them you're Native American.
不 - 他们说"游戏不是这么玩的"
No! - They say, "That's not how the game works!"
不不不不不
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
斯奈德夫妇不可以知道我是苏人没人可以
The Snyders cannot know I'm Sioux. No one can.
他们必须把我当做他们中一员来接受
They have to accept me as one of them,
这就是说他们必须认为我是白人
which means they have to think I'm white.
这不好玩我们是最差劲的
Oh, that's no fun. We're the worst.
杰圭琳我做了最疯狂的梦
Jacqueline, I had the most amazing dream.
我打保龄球打了九十分
I bowled a 90.
早上好巴克利
Good morning, Buckley.
哦嘿罗斯
Oh, hey, Russ.
我以为你是一堆脏衣服
I thought you were a pile of dirty clothes.
巴克利好眼力
Well observed, Buckley.
在纳♥米♥比♥亚♥ 女人们一直
In Namibia, women kept trying
想把我放在她们头上并把我带到河边
to put me on their heads and take me to the river.
你一定是吉米
And you must be Kimmy.
杰圭琳你错了
Well, Jacqueline, you were wrong.
她完全就像长袜子皮皮一样有魅力
She's exactly as attractive as Pippi Longstocking.
谢谢
Thank you!
杰圭琳一直在给我灌输作战计划
Jacqueline has been filling me in on Operation Plan.
别担心
Don't worry.
我会继续把她当成白人一样对待的
I'll keep treating her like she is white.
杰圭琳那个龙虾卷怎么样
Jacqueline, how was that lobster roll?
整件事的关键是我说服罗斯的爸爸
The key to the whole thing is me winning over Russ's dad.
是的奥森哈姆罗德斯奈德
Yes, Orson Hamrod Snyder.
他用铁拳统领着那支队伍
He rules over the team with an iron fist
他保存在一个叫拳盒的盒子里
that he keeps in a box called The Fist Box,
他不喜欢我
and he does not like me.
但他爱我
But he loves me.
所以真正让爸爸
So, to truly get Dad to--
抱歉他很讨厌我那么叫他
Sorry, he hates it when I call him that.
真正的让奥森信任杰圭琳
To truly get Orson to trust Jacqueline,
她必须要假装像他那样不喜欢我
she's gonna have to pretend to dislike me as much as he does.
然后我们开始第二阶段
Then we start phase two.
所以今晚我们不得不大吵一场
So tonight we have to get into a huge fight.
我怎么会对这个小脸蛋儿发火呢
Oh, how could I get mad at that face?
看看这么说有没有帮助
Well, if it helps,
我拒绝伤害我胡子里的虱子
I refuse to harm the tick that's in my beard.
我也要一点
I could use that.
天啊这听起来很复杂
Boy, this sounds complicated.
搞这个作战计划
Oh, Operation Plan has
已经让我的演示文稿软件崩了好几次了
crashed my PowerPoint more than once.
也许用了太多剪贴画了
One could almost say there's too much ClipArt.
但罗斯已经有解决之道了
But Russ has thought it all out.
他才是支配者我只拥有美貌和执行力
He's the brains. I'm just the beauty... and the muscle.
我能成为还有一天就退休的人吗
Can I be the guy that's one day away from retirement?
"亲爱的对这玩意来讲我太老了"
"I'm getting too old for this, sugar."
你在看冒失鬼电视七十年代随机的东西
You're watching Sadsack TV, random stuff from the '70s...
狗狗楼梯的广♥告♥
and commercials for dog stairs.
泰特斯 - 不要打扰我的水疗时间
Titus? - Do not interrupt my spa time.
吉米自从我甩掉米奇只有一个礼拜
It's only been one week since I let Mikey go, Kimmy.
对我来说善良睿智成熟是很难的
And being kind, wise, and mature was very hard on me.
现在我知道为什么尤达大♥师♥看起来
Now I know why Yoda looked like .
就像一坨干涩绿大便
a piece of dried green poop.
你答应给我上表演课
Well, you promised to give me acting lessons
让我的大学申请书更加优秀
to beef up my college application.
我没有参加过任何课外活动班
I don't have any extracurriculars.
我不记得做过那个承诺
I don't recall making that promise.
但我最近一直非常健忘
But I've been forgetting so much lately.
我吃药了吗
Did I take my medicine?
这是什么
What is this?
我在哪儿我要回家
Where am I? I want to go home!
泰特斯你就在家
Titus, you are home.
你不是我女儿
You're not my daughter.
难道你不认识我我是你的吉米
Don't you know me? It's your Kimmy.
吉米
Kimmy?
姑娘这就是演戏
That's acting, girl.
那会是米奇回来和我求婚吗
Could that be Mikey back already to marry me?
在我减重13斤之前不要应门
Don't answer that door until I lose 15 pounds.
是个陌生人
It's a stranger.
下去路西法
Down, Lucifer.
你会让我的枪不小心走火的
You're gonna make my gun go off by "Akskident."
谁呀 - 你好
Who is it? - Hello?
我是温迪赫伯特
I'm Wendy Hebert.
你们哪位是金伯莉
Which one of you is Kimberly?
是我
That's me.
但在这里附近人们叫我"空手道金"
But around these parts, they call me Karate Kim.
我是温迪赫伯特
I'm Wendy Hebert.
我来这儿是带给你最新的离婚协议
I'm here with your updated divorce settlement
该协议来自理查德韦恩加里韦恩牧师
from Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne,
又称迪克韦恩醉仙DJ
aka Dick Wayne, aka DJ Slizzard.
泰特斯该签字了
Titus, it's signing time!
让我去拿我们的笔
Oh! Let me go get our pen.
你有一个温馨的家
Wow, you have a lovely home.
我们没有吧但谢谢 - 你打哪儿来的？
We really don't, but thanks. - Ugh. Where you from?
我明白你会拿你应得的那部分财产
So I understand that you're gonna take your portion
支付大学学费
of the divided assets and pay for college?
赞你哦真是太棒了
Kudos to you. That's wonderful.
我有两个研究生学位
I, myself, have two graduate degrees.
卖♥♥证书边框的商店一定很爱你
They must love you at the frame store.
来签吧
Let's do this!
天啊我甚至都无法想象
Man, I can't even imagine
哪种伤心疯狂的女人
what sad and crazy lady
会有意嫁给牧师
would marry the Reverend on purpose.
姑娘别再替那种
Girl, don't give any thought
愿意嫁给他的脏兮兮的悲催女惋惜了
to whatever dusty, crocheted toilet paper doll agreed to that,
否则你会太伤心而签不了的