我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S03E01

Part 2 Feb. 22, 2023, 8:42 p.m.

或者磁力一样不真实但
or magnets. But...
印第安纳州有人还挺在意
someone in the state of Indiana is taking it pretty seriously,
因为很明显我们其中一人
because apparently one of us
决定享受婚姻税收抵免政策
decided to claim a marital tax credit
然后用这笔钱去买♥♥摩托艇
and used the money to buy a Jet Ski.
肯定是你
That had to be you!
是谁都无所谓啦吉米 - 随你怎么说吧
Cla-may-to, Clamato, Kimmy. - Whatever.
签完字后再也别让我听到
After I sign these papers,
你这人♥渣♥的声音
I don't want to hear your fudging voice ever again.
听着吉米我不是你的敌人
Look, Kimmy, I'm not your enemy.
不是才怪 - 怪才是不
Are too! - D2!
鲍比亲爱的
Bobby, sweetie,
自打我们复合后
since we've been back together,
我就好像个十二岁的孩子
I feel like that 12-year-old
在罗斯福岛参加夏令营一样
at summer camp on Roosevelt Island,
在废弃的肺结核医院里跑来跑去
running around the abandoned tuberculosis hospital,
大喊大叫吓跑那些孤魂野鬼
scaring ghosts.
但我之所以把你约到这里
But the reason I asked you to meet me here,
约到一个有很多目击者的公共场合
in this very public place with many witnesses,
是因为我觉得我们不能再约会了
is because I don't think we should see each other...
好的拜拜
Okay. Bye-bye.
"韦恩夫人"
Mrs. Wayne?
除非我儿子是蝙蝠侠不然别喊我韦恩夫人
The only way I'd be Mrs. Wayne is if I'm Batman's mom,
不过我不能被谋杀掉
except I don't get murdered.
但那样他也就变不成蝙蝠侠了
But then he doesn't become Batman.
天呐我都做了什么
Oh, gosh. What have I done?
姑娘
Oh, girl,
一个大的棕色信封里边一般装的都不是什么好东西
nothing good ever comes in a big brown envelope.
诊断结果申请好市多工作被拒
Medical results, rejected Costco applications,
喝高后定下的个性车牌
vanity plates you ordered while intoxicated.
你连车都没有泰特斯
You don't even have a car, Titus!
不这是好事情
No, this is good.
我把这些离婚文件签完
I sign these stupid divorce papers,
就跟牧师没有任何关系了
and I'm done with the Reverend forever.
没找人好好看一遍文件之前
Don't sign anything until
你还是什么都不要签
you have someone with glasses look at it.
我犯过这样的错
I made that mistake once.
所以每年都要去军事基地里待上四个星期
That's why I have to go to that Army base four weeks a year.
等下你怎么还在这儿
Wait a minute. Why are you still here?
你回来后还没见过米奇吗
Have you not seen Mikey since you've been back?
也许见过
I probably have.
你们这些人我有时候老搞混
You people all look the same to me.
老天我只是觉得你们两个月没见面
Jeez, I just figured after two months,
一定忍♥不住要亲热一番吧
you guys must be dying to... touch butts?
我不想说
I do not want to talk about it.
但米奇知道你回来了对吧
But Mikey knows you're back, right?
你肯定给他打过电♥话♥了 - 不我没打过
You must have called him. - No! I did not!
因为我不能见他现在还不能
'Cause I can't see him, not yet.
为什么 - 因为
Why? - Because!
我发过誓
I made promises.
我跟他说我会带一万六千块钱回来
I said I would come back with $16,000 in my pocket
而且还有一块怀表
and a working pocket.
我本来要给他带很多很多礼物
I was gonna shower Mikey with gifts.
送他大都会演出贵宾席的票
Orchestra seats at a Mets performance.
和上面有性感男人的挡泥板
Mud flaps with a sexy man on them.
等一下这段时间以来你一直都没发工资
Wait. This whole time you didn't get paid?
严格说是发了
Technically, I did.
我在百慕大三角有过一场
I even got a bonus after my bravura performance
精彩的演出后来还拿到奖金了
in the Bermuda Triangle.
但后来工资都被我花光了
But then I had to eat all my paychecks.
我是说找不到了闭嘴
I mean, I lost them. Shut up!
吉米我真的厌倦了失败
Kimmy, I'm tired of failing,
我不想一直觉得自己是个废物
tired of feeling like a loser.
泰特斯我从没见你这样过
Titus, I've never seen you like this.
我知道我都不敢直视镜中的自己
I know. I can barely look at myself in the mirror.
不我是说你之前也被击倒过
No, I mean, you got knocked down,
但你仍有站起来的斗志
but you want to get up again.
你奋力还击
You're Tubthumping!
米奇相信我
Mikey believed in me.
他让我追逐梦想
He made me follow my dream.
我不能让他失望
I can't disappoint him.
那就别让他失望我们会帮你另找一份工作
Then you won't. We'll find you another job.
可上哪儿找去 - 让我跟你说说
But where? - Let me catch you up
最新的娱乐圈情况
on the latest in showbiz.
大家喜欢用电脑看视频
TV is computers now.
我看到公交车上有一则新剧的广♥告♥
I saw an ad on the side of a bus for a new show
好像是叫<图格尔>
called Turgle, I think.
记不清了车开得太快
The bus was going pretty fast.
家庭影院频道收♥购♥了芝麻街
Home Box Office bought Sesame Street
解雇了所有演员
and fired all the actors.
在线点播的余热 - 等下芝麻街
Streaming residuals... - Wait! Sesame Street!
那不是铁饭碗嘛
Those jobs last forever!
我能跟名人一起演出
I'd get to sing with celebrities,
不用嚼就吞下一块饼干
shove cookies in my mouth without chewing.
另外还专门有人帮我练练胳膊这样也挺不赖
Plus, it'd be great to have someone else work my arms for once.
只有木偶才会那样 - 你怎么知道
That's just for puppets! - How do you know?
唯一不爽的是我得假装自己很爱小孩
The downside is I'd have to pretend to like children
乐于分享
and endorse sharing.
但为了米奇我愿意这么做
But for Mikey, I'll do it.
但你知道如何能
But do you know how to get,
如何能找到芝麻街吗
how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?
不
No.
但我认识个有门道的人
But I know someone who does.
他可算得上是群魔之首了
He's the worst monster of all.
我好想你啊罗斯
Oh, I miss you so much, Russ.
你干嘛非要去非洲反对偷猎犀牛
Why do you have to go to Africa and fight rhino poaching anyway?
谁在乎犀牛肉怎么被烹调啊
Who cares how rhinos are cooked?
等他回来我们来个四人约会
When he gets back, let's go on a double date.
你罗斯我然后再随便骗个人一起来
You, Russ, me, and someone we trick.
通话又断掉了
The call dropped again.
给点力啊非洲
Get it together, Africa.
杰圭琳能看下这些文件吗
Jacqueline, can you look at these?
离婚文件
Ooh, divorce papers.
你认识那个寄文件的人
Uh-huh, from... you-know-who.
骗不过我的我知道你说的是伏地魔
Nice try. I know that means Voldemort.
现在我知道他单着了
Now I know he's single.
你能不能帮我看看文件确保他没有耍我或给我下套
Can you just make sure he's not tricking me or anything?
朱利安企图往我们的离婚协议里偷偷塞一条条款
Julian tried to sneak in a clause in our divorce agreement
规定我永远不能再婚
that said I could never remarry
而且要在跳蚤市场孤独终老
and had to die alone in a flea market.
他是怎么甩掉你的
So how did he dump you?
他是不是趁你睡觉时在你额头上写了“离吧”这俩字
Did he write "It's over" on your forehead while you were asleep?
但照镜子的时候字是反着的我看到的是"吧离"
But in the mirror it was backwards, so I saw "Revosti."
我化好妆
I got all dressed up
想着温斯顿会带我去一家高级意大利餐馆吃饭
thinking Winston was taking me to a fancy Italian restaurant.
但他不见了永远消失了
But then he was gone, gone forever!
这些文件今天刚收到吗
Did you just get these today?
别签
You're not signing this.
但贴纸上写着"在此签名"
But the sticker says "Sign here."
箭形贴纸
It's shaped like an arrow.
吉米这个人把你害得这么惨
Kimmy, this man put you through hell...
在外边偷吃还有其他见不得人的事
cheating on you or whatever.
他绑♥架♥了我 - 我说了"还有其他见不得人的事"
He kidnapped me. - I said, "Or whatever."
但他现在对你有所求对吗
But now he wants something from you, right?
他一旦离婚就能再娶
A divorce so he can get remarried.
也就是说主控权在你手上
Which means now you're the one in control.
先别签字
Withhold that signature,
现在是让他尝尝你当初所承受的痛苦的滋味了
and now it's his turn to feel everything you felt--
愤怒沮丧绝望
anger, frustration, despair,
恐惧饥渴建立在恐惧基础上的饥渴
fear, horniness, fear-based horniness.