我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S03E12

Part 3 Feb. 22, 2023, 8:45 p.m.

how often does the newspaper say you went from "Dud to stud"?
他们还说我从"屌♥丝变男神"
They also said I went from "Slop job to top dog,"
"丑陋到抖擞""土包子老腊肉到背心男小鲜肉"
"Fugly to snuggly," "Hot mess to great vest."
他们还给我修了一件背心让我看起来更帅气
They Photoshopped a vest on me to make that one work.
这报纸真是夸张
It's not a great paper.
这东西还需要指纹吗
Well, now this thing wants a fingerprint.
不可能
No way.
首先
First of all,
自从汉莎航♥空♥抢劫事件后我已经用砂纸磨掉了指纹
I sanded mine off after the Lufthansa heist,
我发现那个拇指
and that thumb I found...
莉莲这玩意儿会解决你的全部问题
Lillian, this thing is gonna solve all your problems.
我不
I don't...
你可以用它来控制这台自动给料机来喂猫
You can use it to feed your cats with this automatic cat feeder.
"如果你要离开公♥寓♥的话"
"For if you ever leave your apartment."
你可以用这个无线摄像头检查你的东西
And you can check on your stuff with this wireless security camera.
嘿它还有夜视功能呢
Hey, this thing has night vision.
也许我总算能抓住那条鬼了
Maybe now I can finally catch that ghost.
也许你会发现那是泰特斯蒙着床单偷吃你的食物
Or realize it's just Titus stealing your food in a sheet.
好吧如果你是这么的想的话
Yeah, that's what you think.
这是一部3D迷你打印机
And this is a mini 3-D printer.
运输安♥全♥局♥不允许携带武器上飞机
TSA doesn't allow weapons on planes,
不过当我们到达斯德哥尔摩之后
but when we get to Stockholm,
我们可以打印一把你常随身携带的那把锤子
we can print a copy of that hammer you're always carrying around with you.
这是公交卡钥匙是一把锤子
It's a bus pass. It's a key. It's a hammer.
看到了吗现代世界并没那么糟糕
See? The modern world's not so bad.
大家统统离开
Everybody leave.
感谢你的到来杰圭琳
Thanks for meeting with us, Jacqueline.
我希望你喜欢这个礼物篮
I hope you enjoyed the gift baské.
你能欣赏我的录音带我感到十分荣幸
Well, I'm certainly flattered that you liked my tape.
你的音乐片很长
Your music video was long.
想象此刻有音乐
Imagine there's music.
我在找一位干爹
I'm lookin' for a sugar dadday
能让宝贝膝上坐
Who has a lap for babay
妈妈你在干嘛呢
Mom, what are you doing?
你要记住那是几个月前的事
You have to remember, that was months ago.
老实说杰圭琳
Honestly, Jacqueline,
我们的基达根本没有注意到你
you didn't even get on our gaydar,
那是我们在这里的一部机器
which is a machine we have here at Bravo...
没错
We do.
直到我们在<邮报>上看到你跟他在一起
until we saw you in the Post with him.
我吗不
Me? No.
哦不不不 - 就是你
Oh, no, no, no. - It's you.
我只是一个富有的律师在他昏迷中变得性感起来
I'm just a wealthy lawyer who became hot while he was in a coma.
是啊我真正想要的就是跟这个女人拥有合法婚姻
Yeah, all I really want is to have a legal marriage with this woman.
说得好萨姆杰明
Well said, Samjamin.
听着我们在这儿的唯一原因
Look, the only reason we're even here
就是为一个非常重要的慈善机构做宣传
is to get exposure for a very important charity.
没错我的慈善机构会付钱给酒店
Sure, I have a charity that pays hotels
不让他们把我喜欢的餐厅推荐给旅客
to not recommend restaurants I love to tourists.
这很重要
So important.
海地长吻猬
Well, the Hispaniolan solenodon...
已经极度濒危了
is critically endangered.
不谢谢你
No, thank you.
噢她没戏了
Ugh, she busted!
我们的节目主旨是美好的事物
Our shows are about beautiful things.
如果你想谈慈善机构
If you're gonna talk about a charity,
它得是这样的
it needs to be for, like,
坐落于海滨别♥墅♥的柳条筐
wicker baskets at a beach house
或者凯特布兰切特优雅的举止
or the way Cate Blanchett carries herself.
或者老虎怎么样
Or how about tigers?
老虎声马上浮现于脑海
"Rawr" Comes to mind.
老虎能为拯救厕鼠做些什么呢
What do tigers have to do with saving the toilet rat?
杰圭琳这是光环效应
Jacqueline, it's... it's the halo effect.
你拯救了顶端食肉动物就拯救了生态环境
You save the apex predator, you save the ecosystem.
可老虎并没有住在海地
But tigers don't live in Haiti.
你看过<少年派的奇幻漂流>吗
Have you seen Life of Pi?
老虎能上船
Tigers go on boats,
等等我忘了船能去到海地吗
and wait, I forget, do boats go to Haiti?
看起来我们谈成了
Looks like we have a deal.
好吧辛蒂
All right, Cyndee.
等等你在这儿有肥美的虾
Oh, hang on. You've got loose shrimp in here.
吃掉你虾
Nom, nom, nom. Take that, shrimps.
辛蒂别吃空气虾
Cyndee, stop eating air shrimp.
除了我大家一起喊"虾"
Now everyone said "Shrimp" Except me.
虾
Shrimp!
好的我要怎么做
All right, how do I do this?
我该怎么聊在某地
How do I talk about "You know who"
某人对我所做的某事
"You know what-ing" Me while we were in the "You know where"?
好吧你见到埃里克斯崔柏克的时候
Okay, when you meet Alex Trebek,
可别因为他长着腿给吓尿了
don't get freaked out that he has legs.
什么怎么会我知道是人都有腿
What? No, I know people have legs.
丹中尉就没有
Lieutenant Dan doesn't.
辛蒂
Cyndee,
这根本不是吉米需要的帮助
that is not the kind of help Kimmy needs.
关键是能在需要的时刻哭出来
The key is being able to cry on cue.
想象你正在咬一口美味的黄油
Imagine you're biting into a delicious stick of butter
结果发现它只是奶酪
and then it's just cheese.
为什么
Why?
你们俩还能再没用一点吗
Could you two be any less helpful?
哇钱德勒吉米 - 不是钱德勒没那个必要
Wow, Chandler, Kimmy? -Not Chandler. That's uncalled for.
其实我不想去参加灿的节目
Look, I don't want to do Xan's show.
那就别去啊 - 是啊
Then don't. -Yeah.
可是我不得不去
But the thing is, I have to do it.
因为钱
Because of the money.
不是我不会得到报酬辛蒂
No, I'm not getting paid, Cyndee.
你的报酬是参与
Your reward is participating
当今电视的黄金时代
in television's current golden age.
因为我有帮助别人的责任
It's because I have an obligation to help people.
如果我上电视才能尽到这个责任那我别无选择
So if going on TV will do that, then I don't have a choice.
即便它置我于死地
Even if it kills me.
谁说的
Says who?
我不知道哲学吧
Uh, I don't know. Philosophy?
杀掉一个人拯救五个人
Kill one person to save five.
把多余的鞋子分给蜘蛛
Give your extra shoes to a spider.
捐献你所有的器官因为你的死
Donate all your organs, 'cause, yeah, you die,
可以救助100个人
but you save, like, 100 people.
我不知道一个人身上有多少器官
I don't know how many organs a person has.
这就是哲学吗
So that's philosophy?
太粗鲁了
Rude.
是啊要是人人都捐出了器官
Yeah, if everyone donated all their organs,
那大家都会死掉
then everyone would be dead,
那只不过就是徒留下一堆器官而已
and there'd just be, like, a pile of organs.
恐怕我解释不通了
I must not be explaining it right.
你看要是一辆有轨电车
Look, if a trolley...
什么样的有轨电车 - 不知道我刚学到的
What kind of trolley? - I don't know! Just learned this morning.
看样子可不像
Doesn't sound like you did.
毒舌啊辛蒂我喜欢你
Sick burn, Cyndee. I like you.
我不知道要怎么跟你俩解释这东西
I don't know how to explain this stuff to you two.
这样吧你明天跟我一起来上课吧
You know what? Come to class with me tomorrow.
我曾见过博杰克逊戴着毕业帽的一张海报
And to quote a poster of Bo Jackson
引用里面的一句话
wearing a graduation cap I once saw,
"体验学习"
"Feel the learn."
我数到三我们一起说出晚餐想吃什么
On the count of three, let's say what we want for dinner.
一二三
One, two, three.
甜意大利面 - 甜意大利面
Dessert spaghetti! - Dessert spaghetti!
这看起来怎么样
How does this look? After the Post story,
<邮报>报道之后我觉得大伙会认为我会穿背心的
I really feel like people are gonna expect a vest.
这是怎么回事罗斯
What's going on here, Russ?
你不喜欢吗我本打算这周末穿着它
Do you not like it? I was gonna wear it
去参加窈窕淑女婴儿奶粉的发布会
to the launch party for Skinnygirl baby formula this weekend.
我知道这对你来说是一个全新世界