我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S03E13

Part 3 Feb. 22, 2023, 8:45 p.m.

Be with me.
好吧我做到了
Okay, I did it.
买♥♥个新心脏吧因为我不会
Now buy a heart, 'cause I'm not gonna hang around
傻等在这里只为了看着你死
just to watch you die.
我不会去花钱买♥♥心脏
I'm not gonna buy a heart.
我不能忍♥受这种压力
I can't take this kind of stress.
迪克切尼还插过队
Dick Cheney cut the line.
老布♥什♥任内的美国副总统
也许我该和他坠入爱河
Maybe I should have fallen in love with him.
我们都是夺他人性命给自己续命的人
We both shot people in the face,
所以你的第一次约会闲聊到此为止了
so there's your first-date small talk right there.
莉莲
Lillian,
无论你是否在我身边我都会去斯堪的纳维亚半岛
I'm going to Scandinavia with or without you.
他们那里有侏儒我会触摸一个侏儒
They have gnomes there. I'm gonna touch a gnome.
我知道你会
I know you are...
"因为我活在未来"
"'Cause I live in the future."
祝你生活愉快
Have a nice life.
我想开一个银行账户因为我有钱
I'd like to open a bank account because of money.
我要看到一个有效的身份证
I'll need to see a valid ID.
你在吃避孕药
You take birth control pills?
只有在甜蜜周才会
Just the sugar weeks.
瞧瞧我
Look at me!
我说"瞧瞧我" - 好吧
I said look at me! - Fine.
除非你先瞧着我
But only if you look at me.
上个月我因为乱用人家加油站的洗手间
Last month, I was implicated in a gas station bathroom fiasco
在米奇面前丢尽了脸不过现在我是一万五富翁
in front of Mikey, but now I'm a $15,000-aire
在音乐平台上有首流行歌♥
with a hit song on the tubes.
就是这个
This is it!
是时候双人跳了
It's time to double-dutch back in.
也许我会在含着银行发的棒棒糖的时候
Maybe I'll just happen by that construction site
碰巧经过那个工地
while enjoying a bank lollipop.
不泰特斯不是那样的
No, Titus. Not like that.
你现在有钱了稍微炫一下
You've got money now. Flaunt a little.
打扮得像查尔斯巴克利
You're not gonna impress anyone
查尔斯巴克利前NBA球员
身上乱缠着一根老太太的晾衣绳
dressed like Charles Barkley
不会让任何人觉得你了不起的
got tangled up in an old lady's clothesline.
妹子你自己没有麻烦要解决吗
Don't you have your own mess to figure out?
还是那个职业测试告诉你当一个不太性感的唐里柯斯
Or did that career test tell you to be a less-hot Don Rickles?
唐里柯斯美国老一辈喜剧演员
我不知道泰特斯
I don't know, Titus.
我还没完成那个测试
I haven't finished the test.
因为我太想帮你
Because I've been so obsessed
重回到米"鸡"儿身边
getting you back together with Mitchey.
现在我们得去购物了
And now we have to go shopping.
料酒
Cooking sherry?
你不必告诉我该如何使用你
You don't tell me how to use you!
上大学就是浪费时间
Well, college was a waste of time.
我学汉语有什么用
What do I need to learn Mandarin for?
我又不想去汉国
I don't want to go to Mandar.
我想做的是帮助别人
What I want is to help people.
做这个不需要拿到学位
And you don't need a degree for that.
我是说看看那些狗
I mean, look at dogs:
它们帮助盲人和
they help the blind and
那些假装晕机的人
people who pretend to be nervous on planes.
它们从不去上汪汪大学
They never went to Ruff-gers University
或是波士顿牧羊犬大学或是加大狗吠分校
or Boston Collie or UC Bark-ley
或汪星人杜克或是卡内基矮脚狗大学
or Marma-Duke or Corgi Mellon
或是理工狗麻省大学
or the Mutt-sachusetts Insti-cute of Technolo-dog.
你得告诉我何时停止因为我不会告诉我自己
You have to tell me when to stop, because I won't!
我阻止不了你
I can't stop you.
这一生中我无法掌控任何事
I can't control anything in this life.
一切都只是随机又糟心
It's all just random and terrible.
明白吗
See?
随机糟心
Random. Terrible.
不对
Wrong.
这个测试结果告诉我我应该当个交通协管员
That test told me I should be a crossing guard.
这个有多不随机
How un-random is that?
而且交通协管员是在真实的世界里做真正的好事
And crossing guards do real good in the real world.
让孩子们平安到达学校称呼司机们"朋友"
Getting kids safely to school, calling drivers "Pal",
还有哦吹口哨
and, oh, the whistle blowing!
我想去警♥察♥局
I'm gonna go down to the police station
马上申请当交通协管员
and I'm gonna apply to be a crossing guard right now.
哪个家伙会先戴手套啊
Who puts their mittens on first?
值了
Worth it.
*我爱加州的摩托车*
*I love bikes and California*
*加州的撸铁*
*Workin' out and California*
*但加州的波霸*
*But the boobs in California*
*是无与伦比的*
*Are the greatest boobs around*
*是无与伦比的*
*Are the greatest boobs around*
*加州有最赞的波霸*
*The greatest boobs are in California*
耶
Yeah
泰特斯
Titus?
迈克尔
Michael?
这也太巧了吧
What are the odds?
我刚在遛我那绝对不是租的宠物孔雀
I was just walking my definitely not-rented peacock,
德伯拉温格
Debra Winger.
美国女演员
命名很恰当因为她很难搞
Aptly named because she is difficult.
你可真是盛装啊
You're so fancy.
就像<美女与野兽>中的枝形吊灯
Like a chandelier in Beauty and the Beast.
米奇
Hey, Mikey.
准备好出发了吗 - 嗯
Ready to hit it? - Yeah.
嗯哦安德鲁
Oh, uh, Andrew,
这是泰特斯
this is Titus.
泰特斯这是安德鲁
Titus, this is Andrew.
我的礼貌跑哪儿去了我是米奇波利塔诺
Where are my manners? I'm Mikey Politano.
真怪你看起来很像那个
Weird, you look just like that guy
和米奇一起去纽约上州的家伙
Mikey was going upstate with.
不过在我眼里所有的白人长得都一样
But all white guys look the same to me,
这也是我搞不懂
which is why I have no clue
电影<龙兄鼠弟>哪里搞笑的原因
why the movie Twins is funny.
他就是那个和我一起的人
Nah, this is the same guy.
其实今天是我们相识三个月的纪念日
It's actually our three-month anniversary.
三个甜蜜周
Three sugar weeks.
不错啊你
Good for you.
我和我的男友很认真
I am very serious with my boyfriend.
他是名国际篮球运动员
He is an international basketball man.
我们已经同居之类的了
We've been to condominiums and such.
泰特斯 - 我们得到飞船那里去
Titus. - We've got to get to the blimp.
盖尔和奥普拉要带我们飞出去吃午饭
Gayle and Oprah are flying us out
一起的还有卡戴珊和侃爷汤姆和吉赛尔
for lunch with Kim and Kanye and Tom and Gisele.
Tom Brady NFL新英格兰爱国者队四分卫其妻为超模邦辰
还有杰基
And... Jackée.
嗯
Yeah.
我们也该走了宝贝
We should head out too, babe.
我们要去大都会队开放日的派对游轮
We're going on a Mets opening day party cruise.
从法拉盛湾到花旗球场的三个小时游轮之旅
Three hours cruising from Flushing Bay to Citi Field.
这将是让人永远铭记的一刻
It's gonna be epic!
吉祥物梅特先生会来打招呼
Mr. Met meet and greet.
DJ法拉布拉斯特会演奏音乐
DJ Fingablast is spinning.
数周来我们打电♥话♥给WFAN想要赢取船票
We were calling WFAN for weeks trying to win tickets,
幸运的是安德鲁有无限制的通话时间
but luckily, Andrew's got unlimited minutes.
无限制
Unlimited?
不错啊你
Well, good for you.
对你俩来说都不错
For both of you.
你们会去大都会游轮真是巧了
That's so funny that you'll be on the Mets cruise,
因为泰特斯要在活动上表演
because Titus is performing at that event.
所以我想我们会在游轮上见
So I guess we'll see you there.
那只孔雀是我们给你的礼物
The peacock is our gift to you.
这礼物我收到太多了
I-I have too many.
你好警官 - 等等
Hello, Officer. I'm-- - Hold on.
我正往上传我的肉酱汉堡的图片
Posting a picture of my sloppy joe.