我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S03E06

Part 5 Feb. 22, 2023, 8:44 p.m.

等等等一下他是怎么
Wait. Wait. How did he--
好了我到了
Well, this is me.
我今晚玩得很开心 - 我也是
I had fun tonight. - Yeah. Me too.
该死我没有那些"同意协议"
Dang it. I don't have one of those consent contracts.
或一支笔
Or a pen.
或我能签得很漂亮的签名
Or a signature I'm really happy with.
吉米我想留下来真的
Oh, Kimmy, I would love to stay, really,
可我明天一早有课
but I have early class in the morning.
周六有课你缺心眼吗
School on Saturday? What are you, a fish?
说实话
Full disclosure:
这句话是我在一根棒冰棍上看到的
I read that on a popsicle stick,
我刚刚才搞明白它的意思
and I didn't get it till just now.
不我上的是联合神学院周末开的课
No. I'm taking weekend classes at Union Theological Seminary.
我学到了学习如何成为一个好人的哲学
You know, I got into philosophy to learn how to be a good person,
但之后我发现
but then I realized that there's a way
我可以将哲学用于实际去帮助别人
I could actually use philosophy to help people,
这就是我去上神学院的原因
so that's why I'm going to divinity school.
神学院
Divinity school?
所以你会获得无上权利
So you're gonna have powers?
不不我要成为一名牧师
No, no. I'm gonna be a reverend.
什么 - 希望有一天能有我自己的教堂
What? - Hopefully have my own church one day.
离我远点你个狗♥娘♥养♥的疯子
Get away from me, you crazy son of a bitch!
我再也不想看见你
I don't ever want to see you again!
我又回到巴士上了呦呵
I got back on the bus, yo!
巴士生活
Bus life!
我们是不是
Did we
我的袜子
Ooh, my sock.
就是啊
Oh, yeah.
我马上回来
I'll be right back.
考克
Cork!
你还在这里
You're still here!
我只是需要漱漱口
I just need to get some mouthwash.
我睡着的时候有人闯进了我房♥间
While I was asleep, someone broke in here
吐进了我嘴里
and threw up in my mouth.
他还吃了一整只火鸡
He also ate a whole turkey.
联盟锦标赛今天开赛
Conference Championship game's today.
你想念玩橄榄球的感觉吗
You miss playing ball?
只想念休息时人们把水挤进我嘴里的那部分
Just the part where people squeeze water into my mouth for me.
起效了莉莉安
It worked, Lillian.
杜克以为我和他睡了
Duke thinks we bumped beautifuls.
很好甜心
Good for you, sweetheart.
现在在他开始问你些问题前
And now you got to get rid of him
你要甩掉他
before he starts asking questions
例如 "我们真的睡了"
like, "Did we really sleep together?"
或"谁偷了我的钱夹伊莎贝莉卡吗"
or, "Who stole my wallet? Isabellica?"
泰特考克
Titu-- Cork!
"存储容量几乎已满"
"Storage almost full"?
你在偷录我们
You taped us?
那是你的主意
It was your idea.
也许我们可以等你下回♥回♥市里的时候一起看它
Maybe we can watch it next time you're in town.
我不记得这件事
I don't remember that.
我什么也不记得了
I don't remember anything.
那我们现在一起看这录像吧
So let's watch that tape now,
因为我认为昨晚没发生什么
'cause I don't think anything actually happened last night.
我从来没有不省人事过
I never black out.
每次完事后我都会打给我爸
And I always call my dad after.
所以你在和你邻居交谈时就开始录像了
So you started taping while talking to your neighbor.
你在录什么 - 这看起来很正常
What are you taping? - That seems normal.
没有人想花钱看
Nobody's gonna pay to see--
你脱了我的衣服然后离开了
You undress me and leave.
好吧现在是早晨了
Okay, and now it's morning,
什么也没发生
and nothing.
我甚至不知道该从哪里说起
I don't even know where to start.
你真叫"考克"吗
Is Cork even your real name?
不我的真实姓名叫泰特斯安德罗米东
No. It's Titus Andromedon--
别说谎了
Stop lying!
你为什么想要让我认为我和你上了床
Why would you want to make me think I slept with you?
然后又录像证明我们没上♥床♥
And yet you taped it to prove we didn't.
给罗斯看
For Russ.
你们两个想利用我
You two are trying to get leverage on me.
哦不
Oh, no!
有人吃了我的火鸡
Someone ate my turkey!
考克那是只冷冻火鸡
Cork, that was a frozen turkey.
这是关于他和全美橄榄球联盟的
So is this about one of his little issues
小"问题"之一吗
with the NFL?
这回是什么
What's it this time?
家庭暴♥力♥ 纳税人赞助的体育馆
Domestic violence? Taxpayer-funded stadiums?
怎么通过把黑猩猩从热气球上
How we test new helmets
扔下去来测试新头盔
by dropping chimps out of hot air balloons?
是名字好吗是名字
It's the name, okay? The name.
你真的以为我会支持红人这个名字
Did you really think I would ever support the Redskins?
你完了甜心
Oh, you're done, sweetie.
你和罗斯都完了
You and Russ are both done.
这就是我永远不会让我的孩子玩橄榄球的原因
That's why I'd never let my kids play football.
伤到头可不是闹着玩的
That brain injury stuff is no joke.
联盟喜欢橄榄球是因为
The league loves it, because
那些退役的球员们没有意识到
the retired players don't realize
他们的养老金支票都是狗屁
their pension checks are just slices of bologna.
你想要你的孩子们
I mean, you want your kids
把狗屁塞进自动存取款机里吗
trying to feed slices of bologna into an ATM?
这就是我的儿子们踢足球的原因
That's why my boys play soccer.
该死的 - 我抓住你的小辫子了
Holy crap. - I got you!
要是这个散播出去
If that ever got out...
把那个给我
Give me that thing!
在密西西比州契卡索镇人们就用这种做法
That's how we do it in Chickasaw County, Mississippi.
你究竟想做什么
You-- What do you want?
你会参加今年的球队老板大会对吗
You're going to the owners' meeting this year, right?
没错会很棒的史蒂夫哈维会出席
Yeah. It's gonna be epic. Steve Harvey's performing.
史蒂夫哈维黑人喜剧演员节目主持人
之后我们会好好聊聊
He's just gonna hang out afterwards.
我要和你一起去
Well, I'm coming with you.
你要把我的样片给史蒂夫哈维看
And you're giving Steve Harvey my reel.