好想做一次（2020）

等等 也就是说他一肚子屎？
W-Wait. So, like, he's full of shit?
是的 可以这么说
Yes, I guess you could put it that way.
没错 在学校里最受欢迎的同学面前
Yeah, not really a diagnosis you want to get
这个诊断结果有点见不得人啊
in front of the most popular kid at your school.
你上一次排便是什么时候？
When was the last time you had a bowel movement?
应该不算太久之前吧 如果今天是礼拜四…
Uh, I don't think it's been that long, like, if today's Thursday...
16天以前？
Sixteen days?
-我的天 -我的天
- Oh my God. - Oh my God.
好吧 因为你体内存有大量的粪便
Okay, due to the frankly incredible volume of waste in your body,
我们必须进行手术
we will need to perform a surgical procedure
立刻清除粪便
to remove it immediately.
我该怎么办？我父母在凤♥凰♥城
Wait. What am I supposed to do? My parents are in Phoenix.
我爸爸在帮德文·布克 推出新的护肤系列 叫NBA抗衰
My dad's helping Devin Booker launch his new skincare line called NBAgeless.
我知道 我联♥系♥了你的父母 他们把你的保姆的联♥系♥方式给了我
I know. I contacted your parents, and they referred me to your babysitter,
帕蒂·舍甫琴科 但我们还没联♥系♥上她
Patty Shevchenko, but we haven't been able to reach her.
还有其他成年人可以陪你吗？
Is there another adult who can stay with you?
我18岁了
Um, I'm 18.
你去给他清理粪便的时候 我可以留下来
I can stay while you empty the shit from him.
如果上帝是公正仁慈的 不如把本杀了吧
If there is a just and merciful God, just kill Ben.
现在就杀了他
Kill him now.
格罗斯先生
Mr. Gross.
格罗斯先生 手术很成功
Mr. Gross, it was a successful procedure.
你感觉如何？
How do you feel?
很好 应该挺好的
Good. I think.
现在我们需要你和你的成年朋友 在这里等一等 直到你排气为止
Now we just need you and your adult friend to wait here until you pass gas.
羞辱不断出现
And the humiliation keeps a-coming.
这是标准程序 让我们知道你的消化道
It's standard. Just so we know your GI tract
在手术后能正常运作
is functioning properly post-op.
医生 你说的这个屁要有多大？
So how big a fart we talking here, Doc?
能将床单喷走的那种？
Like a real sheet rustler?
跟十几岁的男孩打交道总是很有趣
Always a pleasure dealing with teen boys.
这太尴尬了
Well, this is mortifying.
我以为被德维戴绿帽
You know, I kinda thought getting cheated on by Devi
会让我们永远都不用再打交道了
would've been the end of our journey together.
对 但我们还是走到了这里
Yeah. Yet, here we are.
等着你放屁
Waiting for your farts.
德维怎么样了？
So, how is Devi?
大概挺好的吧
She's good, I guess.
其实她现在有个新的对象
Actually, she kind of has this new guy now,
如果我们俩是印度人的话 那个人算是我们俩的结合体
and weirdly he's sort of a combo of the two of us if we were also Indian.
我一直在想 她怎么会同时喜欢上我们两个呢？
I always wondered how she liked both of us at the same time.
因为我们很不一样
You know, because we're so different.
你是个很酷的大块头 我是个没朋友的白♥痴♥ 我懂
Yeah, you're a cool hunk, and I'm a friendless dweeb. I get it.
我不是那个意思
No, I... I didn't mean it like that.
我以前其实有点嫉妒你
I actually used to be kinda jealous of you.
啊？为什么？
Huh? Why?
因为你像她一样聪明
Because you're smart like she is.
那是我永远无法拥有的共同点
That's, like, a connection I could never have.
是啊
Yeah, well,
当个聪明人其实没那么激动人心
being smart isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
你可能不会经常 因为由压力引起的便秘进医院
You probably don't go to the hospital very often with stress-induced constipation.
我真的没试过
No, I definitely don't.
那你的压力为什么这么大？
So, why are you so stressed out?
我不知道 也许是因为 接下来六个月的发展
Oh, I don't know. Maybe because my entire life trajectory
将会决定我的整个人生
is determined by the outcome of the next six months.
你是在说大学吗？ 老兄 你一定会考上大学的
Are you talking about college? Dude, you'll get into college.
我不想随便上一所大学
I don't want to get into just any college.
我想去哥伦比亚大学 但我不确定自己能不能被录取
I want to go to Columbia, and I'm not sure if I can get in.
不被录取就拉倒啊 谁在乎嘛？
So then you don't get in. Who cares?
不是谁在乎的问题
No, not "who cares?"
-我必须进去 -不然呢？
- I have to get in. - Or what?
这一切努力都是白费功夫 我的未来就毁了
Or all this work was for nothing. My future is ruined,
我辜负了自己、我的家人 还有我爸爸
and I disappoint myself, and my family, and, you know, my dad.
所以这一切都是为了你♥爸♥爸？
This is all about your dad?
老兄 让他滚开就行了
Dude, tell him to go to hell.
你太用功了 以至于已经两个星期没有拉屎了
You work so hard, you haven't had time to shit in two weeks.
如果我是你♥爸♥爸 我会为你骄傲的
If I was your dad, I'd be proud of you.
不是因为你不拉屎
Not because of the not shitting part
是因为你很用功
but because of the hardworking part.
谢谢 换个话题吧 你在忙什么？
Thanks. Let's change the subject. What are you working on?
这份愚蠢的大学申请书
Ugh. This stupid college essay.
问题很烂
The question sucks.
“讨论一个把你塑造成了 现在的自己的事件”
"Discuss an event that shaped you into who you are."
我不知道该怎么回答
I just... I don't know how to answer it.
你是不知道事件是什么吗？
Hmm. Do you not know what an event is?
什么乱七八糟的？
What the fuck, man?
我知道什么是事件 老兄
I know what an event is, dude.
我只是…
I just...
我不知道自己是谁
I don't really know who I am.
胡说八道 你说你不知道自己是谁 这话是什么意思？
Gimme a break. What do you mean you don't know who you are?
我们学校里 只有你不算是无名小卒
You're the only person at our school who's not a nobody.
餐厅的阿姨还以你的名字给甜点命名
The lunch ladies named a dessert after you.
是啊 那都是表面的东西 那不是真正的我
Yeah, that's all surface stuff. That's not who I am.
行吧 那真正的你是谁？
Okay. Then who are you?
我不知道
I don't know.
我觉得我是个…
Like, I think I'm someone...
算了吧 这太丢人了
Forget it. This is embarrassing.
你今晚怎么样也不能比我更丢人 想开点吧
You can't possibly embarrass yourself more than I have tonight, so get over it.
你觉得真实的你是怎么样的？
What do you know is true about yourself?
我是个非常好的哥哥
I mean, I'm a really good brother.
也许我可以谈谈 我妹妹被领养的事 我…
Maybe I could talk about when my sister was adopted. I...
等等 你有个领养的妹妹？ 这是完美的申请文素材
Wait, you have an adopted sister? That's essay gold.
你可以制♥作♥一张表
Okay. Why don't you start making a list
列举出她如何帮助你认识自己
of all the ways that she's helped you learn about yourself?
来嘛 我可以帮你
Come on. I can... help you.
在经历了一个屈辱的下午之后
And so, after a humiliating afternoon,
情况有所好转
things started to look up.
本终于建立了必要的兄弟情谊
Not only did Ben finally get some much-needed male bonding,
他的屁也在夜晚安静地来到了
but also his fart arrived quietly in the night,
没有喷走床单 也没有喷进别人的鼻孔
rustling nary a sheet nor a nostril.
嘿 冠军
Hey, champ.
爸爸？你不是在亚利桑那州吗？
Dad? Why aren't you in Arizona?
因为我的孩子进医院了
Because my kid was in the hospital.
你没事吧？
You okay?
我没事
Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right.
医生说这是压力造成的
The doctor said this was caused by stress.
听起来你可能像你♥爸♥爸 是个工作狂
Sounds like you might be a workaholic like your old man.
对
Yeah.
但其实
But, um, actually,
我不想当工作狂
I don't think I want to be.
爸爸 我会减少我的日程安排
Dad, I'm gonna scale my schedule back,
但那可能会降低进入哥大的几率
but that also might hurt my chances of getting into Columbia.
我知道这对你来说意义重大
And I know how much that means to you.
知道吗？
You know,
我这辈子这么拼命的原因
half the reason I've worked so hard my whole life
一半是想让我爸爸为我骄傲
was to make my dad proud of me.
但他已经去世30年了
I mean, he's been dead 30 years,
我还是想让那个混♥蛋♥为我骄傲
and I'm still trying to impress the son of a bitch.
本 我为你骄傲
Ben, I'm proud of you.
不管你上哪一所大学
Wherever you go to college,
不管你这辈子要进哪一行
whatever you do in this life,
我都为你感到骄傲
I'm proud of you.
说什么呢？爸爸
Come on, Dad.
不 我是认真的
No, I mean it.
我也想让你听到
And I want you to hear it.
我知道我不算最称职的爸爸
I know I haven't always been the best dad,
但在这一方面 我可以做得比我爸爸好
but this is where I can be better than mine.
你是个很优秀的孩子
You are a brilliant boy.
我也真的很爱你
And I really love you.
我也爱你 爸爸
I love you too, Dad.