好想做一次（2020）

- It's insane. - Because I'm taking ten classes?
不 我在上11门课 但其中三门是没什么用的选修
No, I'm taking eleven classes, but three of them are bullshit electives.
两门艺术课 还有一门是每周一次到自然中散步
Two arts and a class that's a nature walk once a week.
-作业是捡橡子 -你觉得这样能进入普林斯顿？
- My homework was to pick up an acorn. - You think that'll get you into Princeton?
靠抽着烟在自然中散步？
How much you smoking on the nature walks?
我的成绩单上 可能会有几个很容易获得的A
They might look at my résumé and see a couple of easy A's,
但这还是比拿到很多B好
but it still will be better than when you get a bunch of B's.
你好大的胆子 我永远都不会拿B
How dare you? I would never get a B.
如果你继续按这疯了的时间表拼命 肯定会拿B的
You will if you keep grinding away at your bonkers schedule.
我真的很期待 成为毕业礼上致辞的学生
I am really looking forward to becoming Valedictorian
从台上看着你按照字母顺序 跟别的废物坐在一起
and looking at you sitting alphabetically with the rest of the losers at graduation.
除非我屎…
Over my dead bu...
你刚说“除非你屎了”？
Did you just say, "Over my dead butt"?
我能偷走这句话吗？我喜欢
I love that. Can I steal that from you?
德维 什么…
Devi, what...
德维 我跟你说过 有男生来的时候不能关门吧？
Devi, what did I tell you about closing the door when boys are here?
你不用担心这两个人 他们在我眼里根本不算男孩
You do not have to worry about these two. They barely register as boys to me.
天啊 好吧 莱雅要来吃晚饭 你要跟我们一起吃吗？
God. Fine. Rhyah's coming over for dinner. Will you be joining us?
不了 谢谢 我待会儿吃冰冻的垃圾食品就好了
Ugh! No, thanks. I'll just eat some frozen crap later.
好了 二位 我会把我们的功课 汇编到一起
All right, guys, I'll compile our work together
然后发给本
and send it over to Ben
因为显然你家打印比较方便
because obviously, you have a better printing situation.
等青色用完了 我再买♥♥黑色墨水
I will buy more black ink when we use up all the cyan.
特伦特和本 如果你们愿意 欢迎加入我们的晚餐
Trent and Ben, you both are more than welcome to join if you'd like.
我也想 但我还有 六个小时的作业要写
I wish I could, but I have six more hours of homework.
该死 六个小时的作业？
Damn, six hours of homework?
你上的是医学院吗？
Are you in medical school?
-是你啊 -你好 德维
- It's you. - Hey, Devi.
这家伙是谁啊？
Who the dick is this?
她为什么要那样看着他？
And why is she looking at him like that?
嘿 安迪 我是约翰·麦肯罗
Hey, Andy, John McEnroe here.
让我澄清一下
Let me clarify.
那位是德斯 本不记得他的原因
That's Des, and the reason why Ben doesn't remember him
是当德维和德斯在特伦特的派对上 做这事的时候
is because while Devi and Des were doing this at Trent's party,
你的男孩在干这事
your boy was doing this.
哦 对了 那位不是表弟的表弟
Oh, right, the cousin who wasn't a cousin.
是啊 那天晚上他喝得有点醉
Yeah, we were a bit a-durnk that night.
妈妈 能跟你说句话吗？
Mom, can I steal you for a moment?
-你为什么不说有客人要来？ -我30分钟前就说了
- Why didn't you tell me we had guests? - I did, 30 minutes ago.
但你没告诉我她儿子也要来 天啊
But you didn't tell me her son was coming too. God!
就在这一刻 本忘了他那堆成山的家庭作业
In this moment, Ben forgot about his mountain of homework.
唯一重要的就是看看 这两人之间是怎么回事
The only thing that mattered was seeing what the vibe was between these two.
知道吗？我其实很乐意留下来吃晚饭
You know what? I'd actually love to stay for dinner.
闻起来好香
It smells amazing.
这还用说吗 豆蔻香气满溢啊 兄弟
- Aw. - No doy. The cardamom is frickin' aromatic, bro.
Hmm.
德斯 见到你真是惊喜啊 挺有趣的
So, Des, what a fun surprise seeing you.
你最近忙什么呢？
What you been up to?
是不是在没有信♥号♥♥的树林里露营啊？
Maybe camping in the woods with no service?
或是在约书亚树公园戒网呢？
Or doing a tech cleanse in Joshua Tree?
他要是能戒网就好了
Oh, I wish he would do a tech cleanse.
这孩子一天到晚都在发短♥信♥
This kid is nonstop texting all day long.
哇 一天到晚都发短♥信♥？
Wow. Nonstop texting?
-真棒啊 -是吗？
- Fascinating. - Is it?
有时候我的短♥信♥会发不出去 因为信♥号♥♥时好时坏
Well, sometimes my texts don't go through because service is spotty and stuff.
Hmm.
哎呀
Yikes.
现在本大概知道是怎么回事了
Now Ben was getting the picture,
他原本满心的嫉妒转化成了怜悯
and his pangs of jealousy were turning to pity
因为他知道德维 又被一个好看的笨蛋甩了
knowing Devi had been ditched by yet another pretty dummy.
今天有重大新闻
Oh, we got big news today.
-德斯 告诉娜里妮阿姨吧 -我不需要…
- Desi, tell Nalini Auntie. - Mom, come on, I don't need...
好吧 如果你不想自吹自擂 那我来
Okay, fine. If you don't want to brag about yourself, then I will.
德斯提前被斯坦福大学录取了
Des got into Stanford early.
现在又重新嫉妒起来了
And now we're back to jealousy.
你没事吧 本？菜不会太辣吧 我给你加了牛奶
Are you all right, Ben? Food shouldn't be too spicy. I added milk to yours.
不辣 我没事
Oh, no, I'm... I'm okay.
昨晚的晚餐怎么样？ 有人好像有点渴呢
So, how about that dinner last night? Someone seemed a little thirsty.
对啊 是你
Yeah. You.
当你知道德斯要上斯坦福的时候 你拼了命想超越他
When you found out that Des was going to Stanford, you were like trying so hard to one-up him.
我没有
Mmm, no, I wasn't.
你有 你突然开始跟他说中文
Yeah, you were. You started speaking to him in Mandarin out of nowhere.
我不记得了
Mm, I don't remember that.
Mmm.
我拍了下来 就为了之后拿来取笑你
I filmed it so I can make fun of you later.
你不会讲普通话？真让人意外
You don't speak Mandarin? That's surprising.
因为世界变得越来越全球化
Everyone really should speak it with how globalized the world is becoming.
随便吧 那你跟他有什么关系？ 你是喜欢他吗？
Whatever. So what's your deal with him? Do you, like, like him or something?
我不知道 我们现在会聊 我们喜欢谁吗？
Mmm, I dunno. Do we talk about people we like now with each other?
对啊 为什么不聊？
Yeah, why not?
你也看到我跟学校里 一半的女生上♥床♥了
I mean, you see me plowing my way through half the girls at school.
好吧 真奇怪
Hmm. Okay. Well, it's weird.
他问我要了电♥话♥号♥码 然后他就再也没有联♥系♥过我
He asked me for my number, and then I never heard from him again.
但昨晚他有点暧昧吧？
But last night, he was a little flirty, right?
-跟他妈妈暧昧？是的 -本！
- With his mom? Yes. - Ben!
对 也许是有暧昧的气氛
Yeah, maybe there was a vibe there.
但你表现得太离谱了 很难看出来
But it was hard to tell with how lame you were being.
“我不知道我会不会申请斯坦福大学 不知道合不合适”
"I don't know if I'm gonna apply to Stanford. We'll see if it's a good fit."
直说吧 要能上斯坦福 你甚至愿意给别人打一千个飞机
Let's be clear. You'd give 1,000 HJs to go to Stanford.
你是想让我把你手里的肉干抢走 当棒子打你吗？
Do you want me to smack that meat tube out of your tiny hands and beat you with it?
好吧 你想听我的建议吗？ 别再装得那么辛苦了
Fine. You want my advice? Stop trying so hard.
-做你自己 直接约他出去 -真的吗？
- Just be yourself and ask him out. - Really?
对 你有什么可失去的？ 肯定不是你的尊严
Yeah. What do you have to lose? Certainly not your dignity.
好了 各位 重要的时刻到了
Okay, guys, the moment has come.
交上关于如何在真实生活中 运用微积分的论文
Turn in your essays on how you will use calculus in real life.
等等 什么？
Wait, what?
数学课也要写论文？这根本说不通
We did an essay in math? That doesn't even make sense.
如果你是公立学校的老师
It does make sense if you're a public school teacher
近30年来都不受尊重 这样就说得通了
who's been disrespected for almost three decades.
本没有做这份功课
Ben had missed this assignment
因为昨天的课上到一半时
because he had started listening to an audiobook of King Lear
他开始听《李尔王》的有声书
midway through yesterday's class.
没有任何意义吗？没错
Pointless? Well, that is it.
你们要写一篇论文 阐述在现实生活中会如何使用微积分
You'll all be writing an essay explaining how you use calculus in real life.
我没有做 能明天交给你吗？
I missed it. Can I get it to you tomorrow?
你不把微积分放在心上吗 本？
Calculus not a priority for you, Ben?
也许你想把时间花在更实用的科目上
Maybe you want to spend your time on more practical subjects
比如个人财务或健康课？
like personal finance or health?
不 我只是…
No, I just...
你猜怎么着 本？ 这份功课我会给你零分
Guess what, Ben? You get a zero on this assignment.
零分？不行 如果这份论文我拿了零分
A zero? No, but if I get a zero on this essay,
-我的成绩就会降到… -B
- that will bring my grade down to a... - B.
好的 萨凡纳 正如你所说
Okay, so, Savannah, you're the one who said, quote,
“学这种没屁用的数学没有丝毫意义 我永远都用不上”
"It's hella pointless to learn this wack-ass math I'll never use."
要不你先来读一读你的论文吧？
So, why don't you read your essay first?
最糟糕的事情发生了 本拿了B
The worst had happened. Ben had gotten a B.
他的绩点会被拖低到恶心的4.0
His GPA would be pulled down to the disgusting upper fours.
但他甚至无法想那件事
But he couldn't even focus on that
因为他的内脏疼痛至极
because something extraordinarily painful was happening to his insides.
嘿 你没事吧？
Oh, hey, you okay?
应该是我的阑尾破裂了 我得去医院
I think my appendix burst. I gotta go to the hospital.
该死
Oh shit.
你抱我的时候 能不能有多一点男子气概？
Can you please carry me in a less emasculating way?
Radiology tech 165 to OR3.
Radiology tech 165 to OR3.
好吧 格罗斯先生 这不是阑尾炎
Well, Mr. Gross, it's not appendicitis.
不是吗？你确定吗？
It's not? Are you sure?
你的住院医师培训是在哪里进行的？ 培训完了吗？
Where'd you do your residency? Are you still doing it?
我要无视这一系列的问题 直接说重点
I'm going to ignore that series of questions and cut to the chase.
看样子 你感受到的疼痛
It appears the pain you're experiencing
是因为结肠里装满了粪便
is the result of impacted fecal matter in your colon.
很可能是由压力和不良饮食造成的
Most likely caused by stress and poor diet.
什么？
Excuse me?