异空漫游（2015）

这个宇宙会和我们的宇宙在三天后相撞
This universe collides with our universe in three days
坐标在我们正前方
at coordinates directly in front of us.
根据模拟 我们有99.8%的几率
Our simulation gives us a 99.8% chance of
穿越撞击形成的裂缝
traveling through the resulting fissure
并有94.3%的几率 赶回地球
and 94.3% chance at arriving on earth
刚好来得及 低调游个行
just in time for a modest parade.
天啊 我好美
Oh my God, I look great.
好了 我们先不要太心急
Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
还有不少未知因素
There's still a lot that we don't know.
没错
Exactly.
我们还不知道游♥行♥在哪个城市 或哪条街
We don't know what city this parade is in, or what street.
游♥行♥里会不会有经典的消防车
Will there be an old time-y fire truck at the parade?
我能不能敲消防车上的铃铛
Can I ring the bell on that fire truck?
嘿 如果有铃铛的话 我也想插一脚
Hey, if there's a bell, I wanna get in on that action.
行了吧 我觉得UMP不会办个游♥行♥
Okay, guys, I don't think UMP is gonna throw us a parade
专门庆祝迷路的
just for getting lost.
我们不会空着手回去
We are not coming back empty handed.
我们有沙子 石头 还有土
We have sand, rocks, and dirt.
这些完全棒呆
Those are obviously amazing.
我希望能有更酷的发现来见证此行
I just hoped that we found something cooler to show for all this, you know?
开心点 Stewart
Cheer up Stewart.
就像人类第一次登月
It's like the first time humans went to the moon.
他们就带回去几块石头而已
All they brought back where some rocks.
是不是很令人失望 当然
Was it underwhelming? Sure.
是不是人人都为他们尴尬 当然
Was everyone embarrassed for them? Of course.
但他们还是被敬为英雄
But they where treated like heroes all the same and
大家也会假装崇拜我们的
we'll be lied to similarly.
真♥他♥妈♥舒服
Damn that feels good.
天啊 Natasha 把灯开到明亮模式
Oh my God, Natasha, lights on bright.
明亮模式 舰长
Lights on bright, Captain.
不 再亮点 刺眼模式 晃瞎模式
No, more, more, lights on jarringly bright, lights on blinding.
红色警戒
Red alert.
红色警戒
Red alert!
好了 有什么紧急情况 Stewart
All right, what is the emergency Stewart?
别紧张 这是个好的紧急情况
Don't worry, this is a good emergency.
准备好了吗
Ready?
一个外星人 在我睡觉时进入了我的思想
An alien entered my mind while I was sleeping
试图和我说话
and tried to speak to me.
扯淡
Ugh!
等等 你们要去哪
Wait guys, where are you going?
Stewart 我们懂的
Stewart, we get it.
你不甘心没能带回去 某种神奇的太空嘉奖
You're bummed because you're not going home with any magic space trophies.
你梦见外星人了
You dreamed of an alien.
谜团解开了
Mystery solved.
我们走
Let's go.
不 这可能是人类与外星生命的第一次接触 好吗
No, no, no. This might have been first contact, okay?
这是个真正的 高智能的
This was a for real, intelligent,
为和平而来的外星人
come in peace type alien,
不是什么发质迷人的撒谎精蘑菇男
not some lying fungus with great hair.
噢 Chad
Oh, Chad.
我想 Chad了 - 对
I miss Chad. - Yeah!
我们也想他了 - 他到底怎么了
I miss him too. - Whatever happened to him anyway?
他爆♥炸♥了 我们杀了他
He exploded, we killed him.
噢对
That's right.
这是一个有感情的智慧生命 试图与我们交流
This was a sentient intelligence trying to communicate.
我们在这个宇宙剩下的时间不多了
We only have so much time left in this universe,
我们应该向他学习 趁还有机会
We should try to learn from him while we still can.
噢 Stewart和外星人 情深深雨蒙蒙
Oh, Stewart and the alien [beep] in a tree.
好啦 你有点过分 谁很激动哇
Okay, that was uncalled for, who's excited?
没人激动 - 没人
No one. - Nobody.
来嘛
Come on.
哇 Stewart 这套小马装的前半截在谁那儿呢
Wow Stewart, who's wearing the front half of that horse costume?
别激动 Art
Okay, relax Art,
这是UMP发的 我们都穿这个睡觉
these are UMP issued, we all wear these to bed.
不是吗 我以为是强制性的
No? I thought it was mandatory.
行了 赶紧弄完我们好回去睡觉
All right just hurry up and go to sleep.
我的计划是这样的
So here is how this is going to work.
我睡觉的时候
While I'm asleep
你们从梦境扫描仪里找外星人
you guys watch the dream scanner for the alien.
之后我需要偷偷接近我自己
Then I kind of need to sneak up on myself.
Natasha 播放我最喜欢的助眠音轨
Natasha, play my favorite sleep sounds.
呼呼
Whoosh.
刮风
Wind.
再呼呼 再刮风 呼呼
Whoosh again, wind again, whoosh.
你每天晚上都给他吹风啊
You do this for him every night?
一晚不漏
Every night.
呼呼
Whoosh.
他的睡姿像只在打飞机的狒狒
He sleeps like a masturbating baboon.
我90%的生命 都在一个粘液太空舱里睡觉
I've spent over 90% of my life asleep in a mucus pod
但这才是浪费生命啊
but this feels like a waste of my time.
呼呼 - 我想睡觉
Whoosh. - I want to go to sleep.
呼呼
Whoosh.
呼呼
Whoosh.
呼呼
Whoosh.
呼呼
Woosh.
Michael 内♥裤♥
Michael, underpants.
Kent 乳♥头♥火箭
Kent nipple rocket.
我们这是在玩什么
What are we doing?
那她怎么会穿着你的内♥裤♥
Then why is she wearing your boxers?
再说最后一次
For the last time,
我们在那颗星球上呆了好几个月
we were on that planet for months.
越接近星球表面 时间流速就按比例减少
Time moves slower in proportion to our proximity to the surface
由于它的重力场含有一种非♥典♥型干扰
because of a non-typical disruption in it's gravitational field!
这很难理解吗
Why is that so hard to understand?
我懂 Michael 我懂
I understand, Michael! I understand!
那我们为什么还在大吵大闹
Well then why are we still yelling and arguing?
大家都能听见我们吵架
Everyone can hear us.
这艘飞船上的墙是设计来抵御
The walls on this ship were designed to withstand
激光轰炸和陨石风暴的
laser blasts and meteor storms.
没人能听见我们
No one can hear us.
这些墙主要是装饰用的 而且老实讲
These walls are mainly decorative and, in truth,
你们都还活着 这本身就很反常
the fact that you're still alive is crazy.
不知道地球怎么样了 你觉得人类还存活吗
I wonder what Earth's like, do you think humans still exist.
我们才走了12天
We've only been gone 12 days.
好吧 他们还存活
Okay, well, they still exist,
但是猴子主宰世界了
but the monkeys have taken over.
或者僵尸 或者新苏维埃主义者
Or zombies, or neo-Soviets.
就我来说 离开飞船时 我会伤心的
Personally, I'll be sad to leave the ship.
我习惯了你们的怪癖 让你们如此
I've grown to enjoy the idiosyncrasies that make you so very,
你能别撩我了吗
would you stop leering at me?
当然
Of course.
笑要露齿 唇卖♥♥风情
Smile with the teeth, leer with the lips.
抱歉记反了
My apologies.
我们分开后 这些社会习俗都将不重要
Once we part ways, none of these social conventions will matter.
所以你也要离开UMP了吗
Does that mean you will also be leaving UMP?
是的 我有一笔补助金
Yes, I have a grant
可以去研究人类的厌恶感情
to study the human emotion of revulsion
是在迪索托消极情绪研究所
at the Desoto Institute of Negative Feelings.
我梦里找人的时候你们都走了吗
Did everybody just leave while I was dream casting?
抱歉 - 我让你们看着我的
Sorry. - I told you guys to watch,
就算睡着了 我也是你们的舰长
I'm still your captain when I'm asleep.
我知道 但是又无聊又傻♥逼♥ 所以我们走了
I know but it was boring and sucked, so we left.
找到外星人了吗
Did you find the alien?
这次他没有出现
He didn't show up this time.
Stewart 只有最自私最走火入魔的舰长
Stewart, only the most selfish and deluded captain
才会让他的下属 再次经历昨晚的灾难
would put his crew through last night's debacle again.
没错 Art
That's it, Art.
你真是个天才
You're genius!
嘿 来 跟我走
Hey, come with me. Hey!
我 跟你们说了别推我
I, I told you people not to roll me.