冒牌牧师（2015）

Oh, cheese and rice!
哦 天呐噜!
Hey.
嘿
First time you've ever called me.
头一次你主动呼我啊
What's up?
啥事儿?
I have a proposition for you.
我有个给你的提议
Ah, believe it or not...
信不信随你
I'm not in the mood for a blowski.
我现在没兴趣来套口♥活♥
Mm. See, there's this woman
哼 听着 有个女人...
I don't give a shit.
关我屁事
I want you to convince Alden to marry me as soon as possible.
我想要你说服奥尔登和我结婚 越快越好
Why? Because I want access
为什么? 因为我想要他后悔之前
to all his money before he gets cold feet.
获得他财产继承权
And they say romance is dead.
真是"浪漫死了"
How soon you wanna get married?
你想要多快结上婚?
Tomorrow. That's impossible.
明天 这不可能
I'll pay you 20 grand. What time tomorrow?
我会付你2万美元 明天几点?
Convincing Schmidt to marry Ashlee in one day
说服施密特和阿什莉在一天之内结婚
would take some inspiration,
需要脑洞大开
so I got out my weed and my party meds.
所以我得找些大♥麻♥和在聚会用的药
Buddy? Buddy!
巴迪? 巴迪!
I'm in here.
我在这里面
Oh, Buddy!
哦 巴迪!
Hey.
怎么了
Oh... You are never gonna believe
你绝对不会相信
what I just saw.
我刚刚看到了什么
That chicken you were looking for?
你一直在找的那只鸡?
It is a Bohemian Waxwing, and no.
那是一只太平鸟 但不是它
I was out in McKenna Woods, and I tripped and I fell,
我刚刚在麦肯纳树林里 然后我被绊倒摔了一跤
and I saw a hand sticking out of the ground.
我看到了一只从地下伸出的手
A dead man's hand.
一个死人的手
Okay, take it easy, Dora.
好的 别紧张 朵拉
It was probably just some sticks.
那可能只是一些树枝
Oh, really? Do sticks look like this?
哦 真的吗? 树枝是像这样的吗?
Do sticks have fingernails?
树枝有指甲壳吗?
Okay. Why don't you sit down?
好吧 坐下来冷静冷静
I need to call Sheriff Graham.
我需要给格雷姆警长打电♥话♥
And I was going to from the woods,
我在树林里就像打来着
but I left my phone here.
但是我把手♥机♥掉这了
All right, what you need to do
好吧 你所需要做的
is calm down, all right?
就是保持冷静 可以吗?
That body-- I-if that's what you saw
那个尸体 如果是你看到的
isn't going anywhere. Buddy
它不会到处跑的 巴迪
Hey, you look pretty banged up.
好了 你看上去也伤得不轻
Here...
这儿...
take some aspirin.
吃点阿司匹林
Okay? 'Kay.
好吗? 好吧
Wash her down.x7f
把它咽下去吧 x7f
Oh, yeah, it's good.
哦 嗯 很好
I'll go get something to clean off that knee.
我来找点东西清洗一下你的膝盖
I felt bad about drugging Dora with my party meds.
我感到很愧疚给朵拉下了药
They were expensive, and those were my last ones.
它们挺贵的 那也是我最后的一点
But I needed some time...
但是我需要些时间...
And who doesn't enjoy an afternoon nap?
谁不喜欢午睡呢?
Buddy?
巴迪?
Hey!
嗨!
You're up!
你醒了!
How long was I out?
我睡了多久?
'Bout three hours.
大概三个小时吧
I thought you might have a concussion,
我觉得你可能会有点脑震荡
so I wanted you to sleep it off.
所以我想让你睡一会就好了
Hi, Buddy. Oh, good, you're here.
嗨 巴迪 太好了 你在这儿
I have been bursting at the seams to talk to you
我一直在找时间跟你谈论
about Alexa's husband and Schmidt's engagement.
有关阿莉克莎的老公和施密特订婚的事
I found a dead body in the woods.
我在树林里看到了一句死尸
What? That's awful!
什么? 那太可怕了
Now everyone has big news except me.
现在除了我大家都有大新闻了
I'd dug up and reburied a body,
我挖了然后又重新埋了一个尸体
lost my girlfriend to her husband,
错失女朋友给了他的丈夫
and agreed to marry off my hooker.
还同意把我的妓♥女♥嫁出去
I needed a drink.
我需要喝一杯了
Curt, right?
柯特 对吧?
Remember me, Pastor Barlow?
记得我吗 巴罗牧师
Course. Thanks for that bottle of champagne, Pastor.
当然 谢谢那瓶香槟 牧师先生
But I'm three years sober now.
但是我戒酒三年了
Ah. Good for you.
啊 那挺好
You have 12 Steps at the church?
你在教堂级别很高吧?
Naw. Probably five or six, then you're in. Why?
没有吧 也就中等 怎么了?
I meant the program.
我是指那个项目
Oh! You mean for the drunks.
哦! 你是指那些酒鬼
Yeah. Yeah, we got that.
是 是的 我们的确有
Anyway, Alexa tells me you two are getting back together.
不管怎样 阿莉克莎
Yes. I feel so blessed.
是的 我感到很幸福
You know, as her spiritual advisor,
你知道 作为她的精神导师
I should get to know you better.
我应该对你多了解些
Maybe we could... grab a beer sometime?
或许我们可以... 找个时间喝一杯?
You can have one. No problem, right?
一杯你肯定能喝吧 没问题 对吧?
'Fraid not.
恐怕不行
Uh, you ready to go, Lexi?
呃 你准备好要走了吗 莱西?
Yeah. Nice to see you again, Pastor.
嗯 很高兴再次见到你 牧师
It's just so weird.
这实在是太奇怪了
I thought Alexa and I were close.
我原想阿莉克莎和我关系挺近的
How could she not tell me that she had a husband?
她怎么能不告诉我她有丈夫呢?
Maybe she didn't want to hurt your feelings,
可能是她不想伤害你的感受
you being in your 30s and not married.
你都30多岁了还没结婚
You're in your 30s and not married.
你不也30多岁了还没结婚
That's mean.
你太损了
How much longer?
还要多长时间?
I already did my 2,000 steps for today.
我今天已经走了2000步了
There's my scarf.
那是我的围巾
What... I mean, I don't get it.
什么... 我是说 我不明白
It was right here!
它就在这儿!
Not gonna lie. This is disappointing.
不想骗你 但这太令人失望了
In all my years of pastoring,
在我做牧师的生涯里
I haven't seen two people this ready to get married
自从耶稣和玛丽之后
since Jesus and Mary!
我再也没有见过两个人如此准备好去结婚了
Now, I'm guessing there are like zero problems between you two.
现在 我猜你们之间什么矛盾也没有
You seem totally compatible.
你们看上去完全合得来
Well, there is one issue.
好吧 有一件事情
I wanna be intimate with Alden,
我想和奥尔登亲密
but we can't.
但是我们不能
Why not?
为什么?
Ashlee is abstaining from...
阿什莉不接受
sexual uh, relations
性行为
until after we're married.
直到我们结婚以后才可以
For religious reasons.
因为宗教缘故
Bless you, my child.
祝福你们 我的孩子们
But with such obvious physical chemistry between you two,
但是你们之间有这么多明显的化学反应
I'm not sure abstaining is healthy.
我不确定没有性行为是健康的
I know what you mean.
我懂你的意思
I just want him so bad it hurts.
我只是很想要他 那太令人伤心了
Ashlee, could you give us a minute?
阿什莉
Sure.
好的
I'll miss you.
我会想你的
What are you waiting for, man?
你还在等什么 兄弟?
You have to marry this girl as soon as possible.
你必须尽快娶了这个女孩
She's hot for you!
她对你来说很火♥辣♥
Well, clearly... uh, but, uh,
好吧 的确... 但是
I don't...what's the rush?
我不... 为什么要这么急
Look, if you don't lock this down,
听着 如果你不把她套住
she's gonna get snatched away
她就会被长得比你好看的人