冒牌牧师（2015）

Previously on "Impastor"...
《冒牌牧师》前情提示
We've got trouble. Kenny's ex-cellmate is in Ladner.
我们有麻烦了 肯尼的前狱友现在在拉德纳
What's this guy want? 20 grand.
他想要什么? 2万美元
If you're serious about giving us a shot,
如果你说我们两个试一下 是认真的
so am I. Oh!
那我也是 太好了!
You new in town? My man Damien
你是新来的? 我男人 达米安
went to Ladner to find you, and no one has seen him since.
跑到拉德纳找你 结果就失踪了
You better tell me where he is...
你最好告诉我他在哪儿...
And I better like your answer.
最好让我满意你的答案
Where's Damien?
达米安在哪儿!
I don't know.
我不知道
Ow! Ow!
嗷！嗷！
We're going to find out just how much pain you can take.
那我们就看看你到底能承受多少痛苦
Is it weird I have a boner right now?
我现在有点性奋会不会很奇怪?
Where is he? Did you kill him?
他到底在哪儿? 你杀了他吗?
I think we should have a safe word.
我觉得我们应该有个“安全词”
You killed him, didn't you?
你杀了他 是不是?
You saw that $50,000 watch and you just had to have it.
你看到了那块5万美元的手表 然后你就据为自有了
Say good-bye, Buddy Dobbs.
再见了 巴迪·多布斯
I didn't take his watch!
我没拿他的表!
I didn't kill him. I don't know where he is.
我没杀他 我也不知道他在哪儿
You're gonna play it like that, huh?
你想假装不知道是吧?
All right, guess I just need a new tool.
好啊 我想我需要个新工具了
I'd go with that feathered thing.
那个羽毛制的东西不错
Ever seen one of these? It's called the "Ball Crusher."
见过这个吗？它叫“碎蛋器”
I hope that's a misleading name.
希望这东西名不副实
Oh, God.
哦 天呐
I haven't started yet.
我都还没开始呢
I'm really sensitive down there.
我下面特别敏感
Oh, well this is going to be a really long day for you.
看来这对你来说会是漫长的一天
And a fun one for me.
对我却是很有趣呢
Uh, what is the update on
有关于
the Future Lutheran Farmers of America event?
未来美国路德教农民活动的更新吗？
Well, we have some good news.
我们有些好消息
This year, Russell and I managed to secure us a booth
今年 我和拉塞尔设法给咱们弄了个
upwind of the pig trough.
在猪槽的上风处的货摊
Thank goodness. Boy, last year,
太好了 我的天呐 去年那个味儿哟
that was aa assault. Yeah.
简直是鼻子被强♥奸♥了 是啊
Also, we are co-hosting the "Pancake Pig-out"
而且 我们准备和莫法特路德教会共同举办
with Moffat Lutheran.
“薄饼盛宴”
You're welcome to join us later.
很欢迎你加入我们呢
We're meeting the Moff-Lu rep on-site to discuss griddles.
我们要和莫法特的代表去现场讨论下煎锅的事
But the big news is, and this was all Dora's doing,
但大新闻是 顺便说一句
by the way... No.
这些都是朵拉的功劳 没有啦
This year's livestock blessing will be given
今年的家畜祈福会将会交给
by Ladner Trinity's very own Pastor Buddy Barlow.
我们拉德纳三一教会的牧师巴迪·多布斯
Well, that is a coup.
哦 干得漂亮
I must admit, you two make an adequate team.
我必须承认 你俩合作效果还不错
Yeah, we do.
是啊 我们做到了
I take it back.
当我没说
Time for a new toy.
该玩新玩具了
You know what? I feel like I've been a selfish lover.
你知道吗? 我感觉自己就像一个自私的情人
Maybe we should switch.
也许我们应该换一下
This ends when you tell me where Damien is.
当你告诉我达米安在哪 我就不再折磨你了
What, are you going to drill a hole in my head?
啥 你要在我的脑袋上开个洞吗?
Oh, no, no, no.
噢 当然不
I am not going anywhere near your head.
我不会对你的脑袋做什么
Hold on.
等着
Yeah? No, I can't right now. I'm busy.
怎么? 不 现在不行 我忙着呢
Fine. I will be right over.
好吧 我马上去
Looks like you will be getting a little break.
看样子你可以休息一会儿了
Darn.
讨厌
Oh, don't you worry.
噢 别担心宝贝
Me and the drill-doh, we will be back.
我和电钻神屌♥ 马上就会回来
I'd like to access my safe deposit box, please.
我要打开我的银行保险箱 谢谢
Number 204. Of course.
204号♥ 没问题
Could you sign in, please?
你能在这签个字吗?
Gus, would you take Ms. Smith to box 204,
保全 能将史密斯女士带到204号♥箱
and then to private room C?
然后再到C号♥私密房♥间吗?
You wanted to know if anyone ever came in to open box 204.
你想知道是谁会来打开204号♥箱子
Well, she's here right now.
她现在在这
First dates. Am I right?
初次约会 可不就这样么?
Excuse me, Miss? May I see you, please?
不好意思 小姐? 能过来坐一下吗?
Sorry, I don't have time right now.
对不起 我现在没时间
Miss?
小姐?
It was time to take my flattened balls to Mexico,
我是时候该夹着蛋蛋逃跑到墨西哥去了
right after I grabbed that 50 G's of Damien's dead wrist.
当然要先把达米安那5万块的表抢来再跑
All I had to do was get out without--
我需要做的就是离开 而不--
Buddy?
巴迪?
Where are you going with that gym bag?
你带着健身包去哪儿啊?
Uh, to the gym, of course.
呃 当然是去健身房♥了
Hmm. Well, I have some great news.
嗯哼 好吧 我有一些好消息
Out of all the Lutheran pastors in the area,
在我们这片所有的路德教牧师里
you have been chosen to give the livestock blessing
你 今年被选为在”煎饼盛宴“之前
this year before the Pancake Pig-out.
做家畜祈福的牧师
You know, I'm sure other pastors who will be here
肯定会有任职比我时间久得多的牧师
long after I'm gone deserve the honor more.
他们更值得获得这份荣誉
And that's why you beat out the other two.
这就是你把其他两位牧师比下去的原因
'Cause you're so darned modest.
因为你是如此的谦虚
I'm gonna miss you, Dora.
我会想你的 朵拉
You know, when I'm at the gym.
你懂的 当我在健身的时候
Okay.
好的啵
Look, that must be our Moffat co-chair.
看 那肯定是我们莫法特的联合举办方
Hello.
你好
Hi. Welcome to my ranch. I'm--
你们好 欢迎来到我的牧场 我是...
Jeremy Hawkins.
杰里米·霍金斯
♪ It's gotta be the world's worst secret ♪
暗恋无疑是世界上最糟糕的秘密
♪ It was never a question ♪
它从来不是个问题
♪ I'm not even trying to keep it ♪
我甚至都没有试着掩盖它
♪ If I could get your attention ♪
如果我能够得到你的注意
Yes, and you are?
我是霍金斯 你是哪位?
Oh, um, I'm-- I'm Dora Winston.
哦 额 我是...我是朵拉·温斯顿
We went to Ladner High together. We were 16 lockers apart.
我们一起上过拉德纳高中 我们隔了16个储物柜
Dora? Yeah.
朵拉? 是的
Man, you have changed. Oh, yeah.
我天 你变化真大 哦 是的呢
And it's me, Russell.
还有我啊 我是拉塞尔
Russell Kerry?
拉塞尔·凯瑞这个名字有印象么?
Maybe this will jog your memory.
可能这样能唤醒你的记忆
Luke Handwalker! Yep.
倒立小王子! 是我!
I can still do it. Barely.
我还是宝刀未老啊 勉强吧
Well, good to see you, man.
嗯哼 很高兴见到你 兄弟
It's Alden. Excuse me.
是奥尔登 不好意思我去接个电♥话♥
So, I can't believe how gorgeous you are now.
哦 我不敢相信你现在变这么美了
Oh, no. Stop.
哎呀 快别这样说 人家害羞啦
Or don't. You know, your call.
或者你也可以继续夸 决定权在你
How have you been after all these years?
这么多年下来了你过得怎么样?
Are you married? Kids?
结婚了么?有孩子了么?
Interesting question. Um, on one hand,
有趣的问题 额 一方面来说
I am not married nor do I have kids.
我没有结婚 也没有孩子
How about you?
你呢?
Do you, um, um, work for the church?
你...额...额...为教堂工作么?
Oh, just on a- a volunteer basis.
哦 不是...只是来当个志愿者
I try to give back whenever I can break away
我几个公♥司♥的事情处理完的时候
from running my companies.
我就会来这里回报一下社会
Companies? That sounds so plural.
几个公♥司♥? 这听起来...是复数啊
Are you married? I am.
你结婚了么? 结了
Uh, do you remember Chelsea Higgins?
额 你还记得切尔西·希金斯么?
Let me think. Wasn't she your prom date?
容我想想 她是不是你的毕业舞会的舞伴?
Blue satin dress, scoop neck, rose gold earrings
蓝丝绸裙子 低圆领 和皇冠搭配的
that matched her crown?
玫瑰金的耳环?