冒牌牧师（2015）

Previously on "Impastor."
"冒牌牧师"前情提要
What I want is that watch,
我想要的是那块表
and you're gonna get it for me,
你得把它带给我
or I'm gonna put a bullet in the redhead
不然我会一枪崩了那个我看到的
I saw you hugging this morning.
你今天早晨抱的红头发
That's crazy, 'cause I was gonna ask you to prom too.
真不可思议 因为我也想邀请你去舞会
Did you know that he was gonna ask me?
你知道他要邀请我?
Ray said that if he did not get his money today,
雷说如果今天他没拿到钱
he was gonna burn down the church.
就把教堂给烧了
What's the damage?
有什么损失?
My car's totaled, but the church is fine.
我的车报废了 但教堂没事儿
Thank God.
感谢上苍啊
Appreciate your concern.
谢谢关心
I'm just glad no one was hurt.
没人受伤我就很满意了
But who knows where this Lutheran hater will strike next?
但是谁知道这帮反路德教分子接下来会袭击哪呢?
Maybe we should cancel the Future Farmers event.
或许我们应该取消明日农场活动
Good idea. Dora, now you can get outta town
好主意诶 朵拉 这样你就可以离开这里
and take that vacation you keep talking about.
去享受你一直念叨的假期了
No! If we cancel the Pancake Pig-out,
不!如果我们取消了煎饼盛宴
the terrorists win.
那帮家伙就赢了
We're Lutheran,
我们是路德教
nobody stops our fundraising breakfasts.
没人能阻止我们的善筹早餐
Yeah, Russell, get with the program.
是说啊 拉塞尔 跟上我们的步伐呀
We're gonna fight this SOB.
我们要和这群傻♥逼♥斗争到底
Buddy, can I see you a second?
巴迪 能借一步说话吗?
Uh, and let the record show,
要记下来
this blunder did not happen on my shift.
这种事不是在我轮班守夜的时候发生的
No, it was--
不 是
I got a text from Ray.
我收到了累的短♥信♥
"Car's gone. You're next."
“车报销了 接下来到你了"
I had two big problems-- I had to protect Alexa
我有两个大难题 我得保护阿莉克莎
and I had to get that watch to save Dora.
我还得拿到手表才能救朵拉
Alexa, swing by and pick me up.
阿莉克莎 绕个弯过来接我一下
We're going to Portland.
我们要去波特兰了
I'll tell you on the way.
路上再详细说
Excuse me, excuse me, Pastor,
抱歉 抱歉 牧师
I-I need to talk to you about the terrorist situation.
我 我得跟你说说当前的恐怖活动形势
But while I'm here,
不过 既然我来了
I have something of a confidential nature
正好还有点需要保密的问题
to discuss.
要和你讨论
Look, Alden, I got a lot--
听着 奥尔登 我有很多
Oh, Reverend, I-I--
噢 牧师 我 我
you know, last night I was with Ashlee,
你知道吗 昨晚我和阿什莉在一起
and as things got, well, amorous...
一切水到渠成 热情似火...
My man parts finished without permission.
我的雄性器官未经允许就完成了使命
You pre-jacked?
你 早泄了?
I-I--
我 我
Oh, I'm sorry.
真是太抱歉了
That's very embarrassing,
真尴尬
but, you know, it happens to everyone.
但是 你要明白 每个人都会遇到这种情况
So it's happened to you?
那么你有遭遇过吗?
No. Never.
没有 从来没有过
Well, at first I blamed the friction
好吧 开始我觉得是阿莉克莎店里
from Alexa's damn disco trousers,
迪斯科破裤子摩擦的原因
but upon reflection, I wonder
但是仔细回想一下 我在想
if it isn't some message from God.
难道这是老天爷的暗示
God?
老天爷?
Why would God turn on the sprinklers
上帝为什么会让你开没开始
before the first pitch?
就泄掉呢?
Maybe He's punishing me
也许他是在惩罚我
for pursuing another woman while I'm still married.
已婚却还在追求别的女人
This was a golden opportunity to get Schmidt away from Ashlee.
这是一个让施密特远离阿什莉的绝好机会呀
Yes, Alden, that's exactly what God's doing.
是的 奥尔登 这正是老天安排
If I were you, I'd listen
如果我是你 我会在他彻底废掉
before He shuts off your sprinkler for good.
你那家伙之前 照他的意思办
So you have a friend in Portland
所以你在波特兰有个
who might lend you $20,000? Who is this guy?
可能借给你2万块的朋友? 是谁啊?
Look out!
看路!
Learn how to drive, you bi--
好好学怎么开车 你这个...
Road rage kills. I've got this.
马路杀手 交给我处理
Going somewhere?
这是要去哪啊?
As a matter of fact, I got a lead on the watch.
实际上 我有手表的线索了
I should have it in a few hours.
应该几小时后就能拿到
Good, 'cause I'm getting impatient.
那最好 因为我快没耐心了
And when I get impatient, bad things happen to redheads.
当我失去耐心的时候 不好的事情就会发生在红发姑娘身上
What the hell was her problem?
她到底啥毛病?
Spider in the car.
车里有蜘蛛
I told her to catch and release.
我跟她说让她抓了放生
What?
咋了?
All God's creatures are precious.
上帝创造的所有生命都是宝贵的
Let's go.
走吧
I'm so glad I found you in time.
真高兴我及时找到你啦
I'm going spatula shopping for the Pancake Pig-out.
我要为煎饼盛宴去买♥♥刮铲
Do you prefer plastic or metal?
你更喜欢塑料的还是金属材质的?
Oh, I'm sorry, you're letting me
抱歉 现在你是让我
make my own choices now? Thanks.
自己做决定选择吗?多谢
Come on, you're not still mad about the prom thing, are you?
得了 你不会还在因为舞会的事情生气吧?
Russell, I just can't help but think
拉塞尔 我只是无法不去想
what would've happened if I had gone to prom
如果我不是和你 而是和杰里米去了舞会
with Jeremy instead of you.
结果会是怎样
Well, there's a good chance you wouldn't have gotten
好吧 那你就很可能得不到紫色
a purple anthurium corsage.
火鹤花胸花啦
Maybe we would've fallen in love.
也许我们本可能会相爱呢
Maybe he was the perfect guy for me.
也许他是我命中注定的另一半呢
He wasn't. Believe me.
他不是 相信我
Why not?
为什么
Because...
因为...
He just wasn't, okay?
他就不是 行么
Well, I guess we'll never know,
不过我们永远都不会知道了
thanks to your selfishness.
多亏了你的自私
Dora, I... Russell, you're supposed to be
朵拉 我... 拉塞尔 你是我的朋友 好吗
my friend, okay? You're not supposed to prom-block me.
你不应该半路拦截我去舞会
I would never do anything to hurt you,
我永远都不会做伤害你的事情
and if you don't know that, then...
如果你体会不到这一点的话 那么...
maybe we shouldn't be pig-out partners.
也许我们也做不成煎饼盛宴的搭档了
I quit.
我退出
If you didn't take the money from the Boston bank robbery,
如果你没有拿从波士顿银行抢来的钱
then why would Kenny and Ray think you did?
那为什么肯尼和雷认为你拿了?
How should I know how their sick minds work?
我怎么知道他们的猪脑袋怎么想的
I was an innocent bystander.
我只是一个无辜的旁观者
Alexa, innocent bystanders don't usually
亚莉克莎 无辜的旁观者通常是不会
drive getaway cars.
开车逃跑的
Kenny tricked me.
是肯尼骗我
He said he was making a withdrawal.
他说他在取钱
I didn't know it was with a gun.
我不知道他其实在抢劫
I wanted to believe she was telling me the truth,
我想相信她对我说的是真的
but first, I had to lie to her.
但首先 我要对她说谎
Pull over.
靠边停车
This is where I'm meeting my friend.
我和朋友约了在这儿见面
All right, wait here, I shouldn't be too long.
好的 你在这等一会儿 我不会去太久的
Hey, you.
嘿 说你呢
What are you doing here?
你在这干嘛?
Uh, I have a delivery for a Detective Hyde.
我来给海德警探送外卖♥♥
What happened to the regular guy?
以前那个经常来送餐的家伙怎么没来?
Where's Kwon?
权在哪里?
Deported.
他被驱逐出境了
Hyde's in there.
海德在那里面
Psst. Hyde.
嘿 海德
I don't know you.
我不认识你
It's okay, you can know me. I need to talk to you.
没关系 这里你可以认识我 我要跟你说几句话