嫁给我（2014）

天哪 别再盯着我那口子了 饥渴芭比
Oh, my god. It's like, stop staring, hungry Barbie.
她对你没兴趣
She's not into you.
天 这电玩游戏太逼真了
Oh, man. This video game is so realistic.
我要是有一辆科迈罗和棒球棍
I mean, if I had a Camaro and a baseball bat,
我肯定会这么做的
this is exactly what I would do.
兄弟 你都不用去上班吗 都11点了
Dude, don't you have to get to work? It's 11:00 A.M.
没人会发现的
ah, no one's gonna notice.
我工作那层楼就有400名员工
Yeah. I'm one of 400 employees on my floor alone.
我只要把外套搭在椅背上
What I do is I put a jacket on the back of my chair,
大家就会以为我在上班呢 绝对是完美表演
and then people think I'm there. It's the perfect gig.
天哪 我得赶紧重返职场了
Man. I gotta get back in the corporate game.
我给你的简历有回信儿了没
Any news on that resume I gave you?
兄弟 你已经在公♥司♥系统里了
Oh, you're in the system, buddy.
人力资源部说下一个就是你
Hr says you're next in line.
那我还是给你新简历吧
Well, then actually let me give you my new resume.
是印在制卡纸上的 打印店的伙计说
It's on cardstock. My kinko's guy says
竞选美国总统的人
it's the same paper people use to apply to be
就是用那种纸
President of the United States.
那百分之百是瞎扯
Well, that's 100% not true.
好啊 两位 我的乡亲 我的父老 我的狗崽子
Hey, guys.My boys, my fellas, my dawgs.
汪 汪 - 不是吧
Woot, woot. - Oh, no.
Kay 你做了什么
Kay, what did you do?
没做什么
Nothing.
我只是想过来看看
I just, uh, thought I'd come by
你的身份信息有没有恢复
to see if you happened to get your identity fixed yet.
没有 怎么了 - 没什么
No, why? - No reason.
只是 我和Hailey刚碰见了Brianna
Just, uh, Hailey and I bumped into Brianna.
我就想起了这事儿 没什么大不了
Made me think of it. No big.
等等 Brianna看见你和Hailey一起了
Wait a second. Brianna saw you with Hailey?
她生气了吗 - 简单地说 是的 可
Was she pissed? - Short answer is yes, but...
棒呆了
Oh, terrific.
所以我把我的社保号♥码给了一个
So I gave my social security number to a crazy,
和你有着爱恨情仇的疯癫吃醋黑客
jealous hacker who probably has a vendetta against you.
不用担心啦
don't worry about it.
她说还是会处理好你身份信息的
She said she's gonna take care of your whole identity thing anyway.
她说了这话 - 对啊
She did? - Yeah.
她气愤地走了后 又转回来
As she was storming off, she turned around,
把双手指尖相碰 然后说道
she touched all of her fingertips together, and said,
"不用担心 我会处理好你朋友的身份信息的"
"Don't worry. I'm gonna take care of your friend's identity."
还做了一个超标准的"记住我的话" 的手势
And ended it with a pretty standard "Mark my words" sign off,
然后就笑了笑
and then just laughed and laughed.
是么 - 不会有事的
Uh-huh. - It'll be fine.
不知怎的我就是不相信你
Ah, somehow I don't believe you.
有个消息你可能会很感兴趣 Kay
Here's a little news you might be interested in, Kay.
貌似我公♥司♥里有人死了
Apparently there's been a death at my company.
没错 是我那个部门
Yeah. In my department.
天哪 - 是我那层楼
My god. - On my floor.
老天爷 - 在我的座位上
Jesus. - In my seat.
我们得给你买♥♥个新椅子了 兄弟
We got to get you a new chair, buddy,
以免被鬼缠身 - 死的就是我
in case that one's haunted. - It's me.
你的疯前女友不知怎么弄的 让我死了
Somehow your crazy ex-girlfriend made me dead.
我的天
Oh, my god.
我刚刚也收到了CLM公♥司♥的邮件
I just got an email from CLM solutions too.
出现了一个临时工职位的空缺
A temp position just opened up.
最美好的一天呢
Best day ever!
好吧 听我说 等一下
Okay, look, wait a second.
Schuffman 逗号♥ Jacob先生
So, Mr. Schuffman, comma, Jacob,
系统显示你已经去世了
It says here in the system that you are deceased.
那还真是倒霉
Now, that's a bummer.
很明显 系统显示错了
Well, obviously, that wrong.
因为我现在正在和你对话 对吧 所以
Because I'm here talking to you, right, so...
噢 那就不归我管了
Ooh, it's just... It's out of my hands.
等你把身份问题搞定了之后
Once you get your whole identity situation straightened out,
再来找我 然后我们处理一些文件
just come back in, and then we can fill out the proper paperwork
证明你确实"活着"
to prove that you are "Alive."
我活着呢 没必要做那个空中引号♥的动作
I am alive. There's no need for the air quotes.
"没问题"
"Okay."
但是 与此同时呢
But in the meantime,
你得把你的职位让出来
you are gonna have to vacate the premises,
因为保险公♥司♥什么的嘛
for insurance purposes.
你想想看 如果你在工作的时候受了伤
I mean, can you imagine if you were injured while on the job
可你明明还死着呢
while you were dead, you know?
这对老Eugene来说可是文件噩梦啊
Paperwork nightmare for old Eugene.
你是Eugene - 我倒是想
Are you Eugene? - I wish I were.
看起来呢 标准工作流程已经启动了
It looks like standard operating procedures are already in effect,
所以 会有花送到你的亲近的人那里
so flowers are gonna be sent to your next of kin,
而且还会为你办一个小型追悼会
and there's gonna be a small memorial for you
就在下周的职员例会的时候
at the next weekly staff meeting.
你不能叫停吗
Well, can't you just stop that?
嘿 好主意
Hey, that's an idea.
但是 不行 我无能为力
But, no, there's nothing I can do.
好吧 真是谢谢你了
Well, thank you so much
谢你什么忙都没帮上
for literally not helping me at all.
不客气
You're welcome.
我们需要一个短期临时职员
So, we needed a short-term temp,
也就是你 因为我们实在缺人手
that's you, because we bumped everyone up the ladder.
有位职员去世了
We had a death in accounts.
他叫Jake
A man named Jake...
Schuffman - 嘿
Schuffman? - Hey!
有人提前做功课了
Someone's done their research.
嘿 保持这个状态 也许"临时工"
Hey, keep this up and maybe this "Temp"
会变成"永久工"哦
could become a "Perm."
根据<少女时尚>说的
You know, according to teen vogue,
我的身形结构很适合"永久"烫呢
I have the perfect bone structure for a perm.
嘿
Hey...
自从Jake死后 气氛就一直很沉重
It's been tense around here since Jake died.
谢谢你让我再次笑了出来
Thanks for giving me permission to laugh again.
嘿 宝贝
Hey, babe.
哦 嘿 我问你啊
Oh, hey. Just a quick question.
没什么大事 但是 你是不是死了
No big whoops, but did you happen to die?
哦 抱歉
Oh, I'm sorry.
我该早点打给你的 我的错
I should have called you earlier, my bad.
呃 你可能会收到我们公♥司♥送的花
Uh, you might be receiving some flowers from my company.
没错 我收到了
Yep. I got 'em.
Kay的疯癫前女友 不知道怎么的就让全世界
Kay's crazy ex-girlfriend somehow convinced the world
还有所有电脑都认为我已经死了
and every computer in it that I'm dead.
好吧 给你个小提议
Okay. Well, just a heads-up.
这种事情属于
This is on that list of things
你应该立刻打电♥话♥告诉我的范畴
you're supposed to immediately call me about.
这种事 还有如果你看到Lamar Odom
That and if you see Lamar Odom.
他还在你的免责偷♥情♥清单上 太诡异了吧
It's weird that he's still your hall pass.
为啥厕所的钥匙又湿了
Why is the bathroom key wet again?
哦 我得挂了 Janet来了
Oh, I gotta go. Janet's here.
Annie 这些图案都错了
Annie, these patterns are all wrong.
可这完全是依照你昨晚要求做的
Oh, but they're exactly what you asked for last night.
昨晚受止疼片影响 因为我
Well, last night I was on Percocet for my...
不知道 耳朵疼
I don't know, ear pain?
对 就这么说吧
Sure. Let's go with that.
也就是说 我们必须周日加班了
Now this means we gotta come in on a Sunday.
这里的"我们" 我是指"你"
And by "We," I mean "You."
所谓的"你" 就是"呃 就你了"
And by "You," I mean "Ugh. You."
好吧 没问题
Okay. No problem.
谁送的 CLM决策公♥司♥
Who's this? CLM Solutions.
哀悼信 啊 Jake是谁
Condolences. Ah, who's Jake?
呃 是我未婚夫 但是
Um, that's my fiance, but it's not...
你未婚夫死了 那你还在这儿干嘛啊
Your fiance died? What are you even doing here?
你应该待在家里 悲痛地颓废着
You should be at home, lousy with grief.
真的
Really?
也许 也许我应该待在家里
Maybe I sh... Maybe I should be home.
我真的很难过
I am feeling pretty grieve-y.