嫁给我（2014）

也许可以帮我解决问题
to my problem might be found on your nanny cam.
我能不能来看看那个旧东西呢
Any chance I could get my peepers on that old thing?
当然了你知道吗 有趣的是
Of course! You know what's funny?
我们晚饭后要一起看保姆摄像头呢
We are gonna watch the nanny cam ourselves after dinner.
我们就想看看大家看到猫头鹰婴儿房♥以后
We just want to see everyone's great candid reactions
的真实反应
to the owl nursery.
所以我一定会特别注意Jake的那个片段
So I'll be sure to pay special attention to the Jake scenes.
很好呐 很好呐
Cool, cool.
一会儿再聊啊 美Libby
Talk to you later, liberace.
带上你的包 - 怎么啦
Get your damn purse. - What's happening?
他们要看那个录像了
They're about to watch that tape.
我们得赶紧赶过去 - 为什么
We got to go now. - Why?
我可能说了一些坏话
I may have said some terrible things about her
关于她和她的宝宝还有她老公
and her baby and her husband,
Jake可能喊了她宝宝Don Rickles
and Jake may have called her baby Don Rickles,
我现在说着倒想起来了
and as I'm saying that aloud,
我可以叫他Don皱褶来接话
I realize I should've piled on with Don Wrinkles.
所以你是说如果有人把难吃的鞑靼牛排
So you're saying if someone spit out a bad bite of steak
吐在了婴儿毯里 然后把它塞进了
tartare into a baby blanket and stuffed it behind an owl
猫头鹰主题的梳妆台后 也会出现在录像上吗
themed dresser, that would also be on that tape?
我就是这个意思啊
Of course that's what I'm saying.
那我们快去把录像弄到手啊 - 拿颗口香糖路上吃
Then let's go get the tape. - One gumball for the road.
没时间啦 - 路上吃嘛
We don't have time! - for the road!
不行 快走
No!Go go go
我做了些调查
Okay, so I did some research,
我发现很多可以提高我精♥子♥数的方法
and I found out a bunch of ways to up my sperm count.
只是提前说清楚
Just want to be on record...
我不喜欢公开深入探讨你的精♥子♥问题
I don't love having a public in-depth about your sperm,
我还是会这么做 是因为我欠你一次
but I'll do it because I owe you from that time
上次我们也公开深入探讨了我的精♥子♥
we had a public in-depth about my sperm.
谢谢 应该是很简单的事
Thanks. It should be pretty easy.
不过就是戒酒 每天早上倒立
Just have to stop drinking, then hang upside down every morning
大概半个小时
for about a half an hour,
每天吃11个牛油果
eat 11 avocados a day,
换上拳击短裤 尽管松紧带勒得腰很难看
switch to boxer shorts despite the unsightly boxer lines,
还有装很忙的样子装八个月到一年
and then just act like I'm busy for eight months to a year
直到我充分补充了我的"数据库"
until I can pad my stats sufficiently.
听起来很合理
Sounds reasonable.
酒保 请再给我的蛋蛋来一袋冰
Barkeep, can I have another bag of ice for my balls, please?
谢谢
Thank you.
兄弟 你要是担心你的精♥子♥数
Buddy, if you're worried about your sperm count,
为什么不直接去测试一下
why not just go to the appointment where
他们就会告诉你是否应该
they'll let you know if you should be
为你的精♥子♥数担心
worried about your sperm count?
哥们 站在我这边行不
Be on my side, bro.
请见谅 我的"酒店小姐"(冰袋)已经答应
Now, if you'll excuse me, my bodega lady
要为我的生殖器做下萨泰里阿教的疗养了
has promised to practice Santeria on my genitals.
你没有意见吧
Do you approve of that?
当然
Sure?
噢 我脖子上那东西还没有消
Oh, my neck thing still hasn't gone away.
我搜了某某人建议的那个皮肤科医生
I yelped the dermatologist what's-his-name suggested.
简直贵得要死
He's, like, 3 1/2 money signs.
是怎样 难道我看起来很有钱吗
What am I, made out of money signs?
我来告诉你
Let me tell you.
我叔叔 Jim有一次没去检查
My uncle, Jim didn't get something checked out once.
两周后我们把他埋了
Two weeks later, we buried him.
严格来说 他没检查的东西只是他的车油
To be fair, the thing he didn't get checked was his oil,
而且我们是在一次去托马斯的家庭旅行上
and we were burying him in sand up to his chin
用沙子埋到他的下巴玩而已
on a family trip to St. Thomas.
那他没事吧
So he's all right?
很悲哀 不是
Sadly, no.
不久之后他还是去世了
He did pass away soon after.
因为癌变痣(鼹鼠) - 天哪
Cancerous mole. - Oh, god.
没错 他当时正开车从他心爱的宠物鼹鼠去化疗
Yeah, he was driving his beloved pet mole to chemo
他被卷入了一场重大车祸 不幸去世了
and he got in a huge car wreck and died.
长话短说 他本应该检查他的车油的
Long story short, he should've gotten his oil checked,
你也应该掏钱
and you need to pony up
去检查一下那个东西 - 不是吧
and get that thing checked. - Oh, no.
快按门铃 - 我又不是没进过别人家
Ring the doorbell! - I've been to a house before!
就 - 你来按
Just... - You ring it!
你们好啊 - 你们好
Hey, hey. - Hey.
你们看了保姆摄像头的视频了吗
Did you guys watch the nanny cam video yet?
呃 没 - 没 还没有
Uh... no. - No, not yet.
我们带了原味吐司来 - 就是面包啦
We brought raw toast. - It's just bread.
我们能进来吗 - 你们真是太好了
May we come in? - Oh, you are so sweet.
恕我冒昧 你们俩来这儿干什么啊
So I'm sorry, what are you guys doing here?
你们俩刚刚为人父母
You guys are new parents,
你们会很忙
and you're so busy.
我们只是想给你们带些吃的来
We just wanted to bring you some food.
哦 - 给我们吃面包吗
Oh. - Bread for us?
好吧 我实话实说
Okay, I'll be honest.
我们其实别有用心
We have an ulterior motive.
我们实在是想要回来再看一眼跟小甜豆一般
We just had to get one more glance at that sweet pea,
可爱的Booty - 喔
cutie Booty back there. - Aww.
我懂 - 不如我们去看小可爱的时候
I understand. - So why don't you
你们就好好品尝下那个面包吧
all get up on that toast while we go peep that thing.
快让开 快让开
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh!
在那儿 在那儿
It's right there, it's right there.
嘿
Hey.
喔 你们俩也一起来了
Oh! You guys are coming too.
耶 那就更加愉快了
Well, yeah, more the merrier.
Annie 不如我帮你拿着背包
Annie, why don't I hold your backpack
你给宝宝送上
while you do one of your famous blessings
你出名的祈福祷词吧
on the baby.
我背着这个包
I'm wearing this backpack
因为我们刚刚从一个夜间露营回来
because we just came from some light camping.
他们没问我们
They didn't ask us any questions.
有时候 解释一下会比较好
Well, sometimes, I think it's good to explain.
好吧 那就说一段我著名的祷词吧
Okay, so one of my famous blessings.
有太多了 要选哪个 懂吗
There's so many. It's like, which one, you know?
就像"我可以说这个" 或者"我也可以说那个"
I'm like, "I could do that one" Or "I could do that one."
好吧 你们知道吗
Okay, you know what?
当然了 我需要两位家长走过来面对我
I'm gonna need both the parents to step over here facing me, of course.
啊 - 他真可爱是不是
Aww. - Isn't he adorable?
好了 现在请闭上你们的双眼
Okay, now please close your eyes.
保持双眼紧闭
Keep 'em closed.
Libby 我看着你呢
Libby, I'm watching you.
好的
Okay
我要把双手放在宝宝身上 不是殴打 而是为之祈福
I will now lay hands on the child to bless it,not strike it.
亲爱的主 你还好吗
Dear lord, hey, what's up?
你好啊 主
Hey, hey, lord.
主与我们同在
Lord beeth with us
我们召唤他来保佑这位宝宝
as we calleth upon thee to bless-eth this-eth baby.
主啊 主
Lord... lord
请将祝福给予这个孩子和她的母亲
please be with this child and his mother
以及他母亲的奶水
and his mother's milk.
奶水 柠檬汁 绕到身后
Milk, lemonade, around the corner,
有巧克力吃
fudge is made.
是的 是的 是的
Yes, yes, yes.
主 如果你看见了什么 就说出来吧
Lord, if you see something, say something.
哦
Oh!
宝贝 宝贝
Baby, baby.
多么可爱的宝贝
What a cute baby.
哦 宝贝宝贝
Ooh, baby, baby.
哦 小可爱宝贝 哦 宝贝宝贝
Ooh, cutie baby. Ooh, baby, baby.
用力 用力生呀
You pushed it. You pushed it real good.
好了 就这样吧伙计们
All right, I think that's enough, guys.
我们总不能赖着不走
We have to leave at some point.
阿门 哈利路亚
But amen and hallelujah.
*阿门 阿门 阿门 在流水中 阿门*
*Amen Amen Amen In the water Amen*