嫁给我（2014）

哈哈哈
Ha-ha-ha.
冉阿让
Jean Valjean.
还是老老实实说牛角包吧
Yeah. Just say Croissant.
你知道吗 你说的对 Kay 我的错 我的错
You know what? You're right, Kay. My B. My B.
你们在"等一下"吃完饭后 还有啥计划
So what are your Valentine's plans after you eat at Wait For It?
希望是滚床单吧
Hopefully doing it.
我买♥♥了很特别的红色蕾丝束胸
I got some special red lacy Spanx.
噢 不错啊 我最喜欢这部分
Oh, nice. See? That's my favorite part.
谁在乎吃啥啊
Who cares about the dinner?
我只想着滚床单时间 对不
I just want to get to the sexy times, you know?
只有一个小问题
There's just one thing.
我希望Haley能有些东西
I wish that Haley had something...
什么
Yeah?
下面多点东西
Down there.
多点我可以
Something I could...
抚摸或者把弄的东西
cup, or palm,
或者像摇骰子一样玩玩的东西
or shake like dice.
我不知道你说的是啥
I'm not sure I'm following.
我真希望她有蛋蛋
I just really wish she had balls.
等等 什么 为啥 - 我不知道
Wait, what? Why? - I don't know.
就是感觉蛋蛋像是应该
They just seem like the sort of thing
多多关注的东西啊 Annie
that could be really great to pay more attention to, Annie.
是Jake让你这么干的吗 - 不是
Did Jake put you up to this? - No.
Kay
Kay?
Annie
Annie?
Kay
Kay?
Annie
Annie?
我就知道 我就觉得
I knew it! I knew it was weird
你管我怎么叠袜子很奇怪
that you had an opinion on how I fold my socks!
还有牛角包的事
And the whole croissant thing?
你自己还说萨尔瓦多呢
I mean, you say El Salvador.
就应该这样说啊 我是说 对不起
It is El Salvador! I mean, I'm sorry.
我就知道我不该提Jake的蛋蛋
I should have known that mentioning Jake's dangle bag
太过分了
was a step too far,
但是刚才发挥得那么好 我有点得意忘形了
but I got so cocky from doing well I had to go for it.
你猜怎么着 你现在得听我的了
Well guess what? I'm running you now,
我也有些事需要你帮忙
and I've got a few things of my own
让完美先生Jake改一改
I'd like you to help me change about Mr. Perfect Jake.
看看 所以我才不想搅合到
Oh, see? This is why I really don't like
你们的私事里
to get all up in couple's bid-ness!
你已经搅合进来了
Well you're in our bid-ness now!
你现在可是我俩之间的大人物啊
You're a majority shareholder in our bid-ness,
穿上正装 找个国内最好的
so put on a bid-ness suit and go get an MBA
管闲事大学修个学位吧
from one of the nation's top bid-ness schools...
好了好了 我明白了
All right. I get it.
你的脸看起来好多了
Your face is looking so much better.
我的胡子也不再掉渣了
Mm-hmm. My beard no longer crumbles when you touch it.
多亏了那个穿着消防服的天使啊
Oh, it's all thanks to that angel in fire-retardant pants.
我试过找他了
I tried to track him down.
我甚至去了一家消防员煎饼早餐店
I even went to a firehouse pancake breakfast
打听一个芝加哥口音的肌肉消防员
and asked if anybody knew a meaty firefighter with a Chicago accent,
但是他们都是那样
but they're all that.
给你个惊喜
Well, I have a surprise.
那个天使就在来的路上
That angel is on his way over!
不是吧 你怎么找到的
No! How did you find him?
我打了911
I called 911.
我肯定这是违法的吧
I'm pretty sure that's illegal.
噢 上帝啊 - 是他吗
Oh, my God! - Is that him?
对 对 对
Yes, yes, yes!
好吧
Okay.
什么 你不是那个猛♥男♥
What? You're not hunky.
你也没着火啊
And you're not on fire,
所以咱俩都很失望好不好
so we were both expecting something different.
你打了911吗
Did you call 911?
没 没
No. No.
肯定是我邻居的熊孩子打的
Must have been my neighbor's dumb kid.
不过既然你们来了
Listen though, since you're here,
你们认不认识一个深色头发 仪表英俊
you wouldn't happen to know a dark-haired chisel-jawed,
非常壮的消防员
super-hunky firefighter?
比起壮来 他的幽默更引人关注
Some would argue more hilarious than hunky?
不认识 不过城里有个消防小队里
No, but there's a ladder downtown
都是幽默的猛♥男♥
that has all the funny beefcakes.
他们每年都拍一本挂历
They do a calendar every year,
还有一本喜剧相册
and a comedy album.
因为那个小队 我们接到好多假电♥话♥
We get a lot of fake phone calls for that ladder.
孤单的变♥态♥太多了
A lot of lonely perverts out there.
阿门
Amen.
噢 等等
Oh. Wait.
是啊
Yeah.
我们真是白♥痴♥
We are idiots.
我们应该在初次遇到他的地方打电♥话♥才对
We should have called from the place we originally saw him!
对 你太对了
Yes! You're right!
现在我们要做的就是在Kevin家放把火
Now all we have to do is go start a fire in the Kevins' apartment.
或者就在那儿打个电♥话♥
Or we just call from there!
或者在那儿打个电♥话♥
Or just call from there!
对
Yeah!
Kay 真是个奇迹啊
Kay, it's a miracle.
她开始用手吃爆米花
She's eating popcorn with her hands.
她点的餐是西南三层培根堡
She's ordering southwestern-style triple bacon ham
还有奶酪牛角包 发音正常哟
and cheese croissants, okay?
而且她开始卷袜子了
And she's balling her socks!
真的吗
You don't say?
我非常看好将来
And I have great hope that moving into the future,
跟"球"有关的 都可以被好好呵护
anything ball-related will be handled properly.
祈祷吧 - 好吧
Fingers crossed. - All right.
好了现在该我帮你策划情人节了
Now it is my turn to help you with Valentine's Day.
首先 用香槟给Haley敬一杯
Step one: greet Haley with champagne
再来点自♥制♥巧克力脆皮草莓
and homemade chocolate-covered strawberries.
高大上
Hm, fancy.
要不要跟我一起来厨房♥看看
And would you like to join me in the kitchen?
也就是我们的草莓台
AKA our strawberrium?
太感谢了
Ooh, well thank you.
好吧 让我们自在点
All right. Let's just get a little comfortable here.
你干啥呢 Danny Aiello
Oh, what's happening here, Danny Aiello?
怎么了 你不喜欢我的无袖T恤吗
What? Oh, you're not vibing on my T-top?
现在又不是1957年的酷暑
It's not the sweltering summer of 1957,
你也不是为了忘却战争
and you're not an abusive husband
而酗酒的丈夫啊
drinking his way through forgetting the war.
是吗 有那么差劲 - 当然
Really? Is it that bad? - Yeah.
穿上袖子吧 伙计
They're called sleeves, buddy.
受教了
Duly noted.
受教了 好吧
Duly noted. All right.
好吧 首先 你先从新鲜的草莓开始
Well, first, you want to start with fresh straw...
噢 好吧 既然遇上了
Aw, okay, and while we're at it,
我们可以谈谈你这个抓嗝的问题吗
can we talk about this whole burp catching thing?
它又不是个稀奇的蝴蝶
It's not a rare butterfly.
你在说什么
What are you talking about?
我们想假装发生了紧急事件
So we want to stage a phony emergency
把那个猛♥男♥消防员骗来
so we can lure our hunky firefighter back here.
我也干过 - 我也干过
Been there. - Been there.
什么 - 什么
What? - What?
总之我只要打个911
Anyway, all I got to do is call 911,
然后 情人节爱情喜剧就这么上演了
and voila, we're living in a Valentine's Day Rom-com,
但对我来说 只有"喜剧" 没有"爱情"
or in my case, a com-sans-Rom.
这真是在浪费纳税人的钱哪
Well, that is a terrible waste of taxpayer funds,
不过上吧 女士们
but get it, girl.
你俩真是太好了
Oh, you guys are the best.
好了 这儿归你们了
All right. Our place is yours.
对 - 我们过几个小时回来
Yeah. - We'll be back in a few hours
过我们的情人节
for our big Valentine's Day plans.