嫁给我（2014）

呃 还好我现在在减肥
Ugh, it's a good thing I'm trying to lose weight,
这里的食物已经发臭了
'cause the food here stinks.
这种火腿在公立学校食堂才能见到吧
This is the kind of ham they would serve in a public school.
谁提醒下我 我们为什么要来这吃啊
Why do we come here again?
同志们 莫和大卫餐厅是芝加哥的牌子
Guys, mo and David's is a Chicago institution.
而且我们走路就能到这儿 对不对
Plus, it's walking distance from our place, right?
再说他们十年都没涨过价了
And they haven't raised the prices in, like, ten years
因为这儿发生过凶杀案
because of the murders.
说到习俗 你们也许也听说了
Speaking of institutions, some of you may have heard
我和Jake要结婚啦
Jake and I are getting married.
天啊 这话题过渡也太牵强了
Oh my god, what a terrible segue.
所以呢 Dennah Kay 这里是一点小礼物
So, Dennah, Kay, here's a little something.
这是什么 - 什么
What is this? - What?
是我们在柳条公园看到的耳环
The earrings we saw in wicker park.
那天我们还看到一只鸽子在啄一支烟
The same day we saw a pigeon eating a cigarette.
"你站在我身边将会多么特别"
"How special it would be to have you by my side."
"我的朋友 我的姐妹 我的伴娘"
"My friend, my sister, my maid to the bride."
完了我要哭了 要哭了
Here I go. Here I go. Here I go.
发生了什么
What's happening?
我不知道啊 但是要我猜
I'm not sure, but if I had to guess,
她们现在一定连经期都同步了
they're synchronizing their periods.
我在邀请她们做我的伴娘啊
I'm asking them to be my bridesmaids.
这对于女人来说可是很重要的事情
This is important lady stuff.
我猜你还没邀请伴郎吧
I'm assuming you haven't asked your groomsmen yet.
没有啊 我觉得这没什么大不了的
No, I didn't think it was that big of a deal.
好吧
Fine.
Gil 你愿意做我的伴郎吗
Gil, you want to be my best man?
嗯 好啊
Hmm? Yeah.
好 现在我有伴郎了
Great. Now I got a groomsman.
就这样 - 是啊
That's it? - Yeah.
这就是你的整个婚礼派对吗
That's your entire wedding party?
从头到尾
Soup to nuts.
Jake 我邀请了九位伴娘
Jake, I have nine bridesmaids.
如果你只有一个伴郎 而且还是他的话
If you just have one groomsman and it's him,
婚礼上会很奇怪的
it's gonna look kind of weird.
她会被人当做疯女人的
She's gonna look like a crazy bitch.
就是啊
Exactly.
那你想我怎么说 我也没有兄弟啊
What do you want me to say? I don't have any brothers
我也没有对不起的堂兄表弟
or weird cousins that I feel sorry for.
Gil是我最好的朋友 我还需要什么呢
And Gil's my best friend, so what more do I need?
你肯定还能想到其他人的
There's got to be somebody else you can ask.
你认识叫Brian的吗
Do you know a Brian?
你看上去像那种
You look like the kind of guy
认识很多Brian的人
who would know a lot of Brians.
我认识三个Brian
I know three Brians.
你那些大学的狐朋狗友呢
What about your college buddies?
你原来总是跟他们一起玩的
You used to hang out with them all the time.
你还给他们取了个名字
You had a name for them...
叫男人们 还是伙计们 流氓们
The guys, the fellas, the rascals.
不会啊 肯定不是 他们又不是小孩
No, that can't be right. They weren't toddlers.
哈哈 是男孩纸 结尾是纸
Ha-ha, the boyz with a z.
嗯 很好的人 特喜欢参加派对
Mm, great guys. Big partiers.
是啊 他们很喜欢参加派对
Yeah, yeah, they loved to party.
是啊 但是我们不再联♥系♥了
Yeah, but we don't hang out anymore.
为什么不联♥系♥了 - 我不知道
Why not? - I don't know.
我们就渐行渐远了
We just sort of drifted apart.
就像各个大♥陆♥
Like the continents.
你们知道吗 它们原来是一整块 又叫泛大♥陆♥
You know, they used to be one big land mass called pangaea.
没错 Gil
That's right, Gil.
你说过了 - 放过我吧
You told us that. - Give me strength.
我猜Jake只能有一个伴郎了
So I guess Jake's only gonna have one groomsman.
不行
No.
这件事让我有点担心Jake了
This whole thing has made me kind of worried about Jake.
我没意识到他会
Guess I didn't realize he'd lost touch
跟那么多朋友失去联♥系♥
with so many of his friends.
这就是直男们的悲哀
You know, that happens a lot with straight men.
他们忽视友情
They neglect their friendships
皮肤和身材的保养
and their skin and their bodies.
所以Teddy叔叔变成现在这样了吗
Is that what happened to uncle Teddy?
是的
Yes.
他没有朋友了
He doesn't have any friends left.
整天穿着迪斯尼的运动服绕着房♥子闲逛
He putters around the house in a Disneyland tracksuit.
Karen阿姨说他准备买♥♥个业余无线电
You know your aunt Karen said he's gonna buy a ham radio.
呃 不要啊 - 嗯哼
Eh-no. - Mm-hmm.
我的天 那完全可能就是以后的Jake
Oh, my god, that could totally happen to Jake.
他可能也会整个晚上对着无线电
He could end up sitting in front of the radio all night,
和某个加拿大的数学老师聊吉他
talking about guitars with some math teacher in Canada.
为什么加拿大人这么奇怪
Why are they so weird up there?
人们说他们很友好
People say they're nice.
我才不信呢 - 恩恩
Not buying it. - Mm-mm.
消极 - 攻击性强
Passive... - Aggressive.
不仅说英语 - 还说法语
English. - French.
好像他们嘴角上扬
It's like their mouths are smiling,
但眼神空洞
but their eyes are dead.
真不是个好组合
Not a good combination.
一定有什么猫腻
Something's going on.
他们最喜欢的运动是曲棍球啊 就别提了
And hockey? Forget it.
你真的不想吃点什么吗
You really don't want anything?
不要
No.
我对待减肥可是很认真呢
Taking this weight loss stuff pretty seriously.
自从我发现所有健康食品
And since all health food tastes
尝起来都像面朝大地栽进草坪一样
like when you fall down on the lawn,
我就开始了奶昔节食法
I started this awesome shake diet.
有意思
Impressive.
其实还挺划算的
It's actually pretty affordable,
就像装在瓶子里的甜点一样
and it tastes like dessert in a bottle...
真的甜点 不是那种
Real dessert, not that crap
亚洲餐厅里给的水货
they give you at Asian restaurants.
喝一口
Give a swallow.
哇 很好喝耶
Wow. That's delicious.
这才一百卡热量
That's 100 calories.
你想买♥♥的话我还有很多
I got a whole bunch if you want to buy some.
好啊
Sure.
这简直是神器啊 当我太忙
This would be perfect for when I'm on the go
或者在见我妈之前需要快速减重的时候
or need to drop some quick weight before I see my mother.
作为一个重度肥胖者
Your mom's pretty judgmental
你妈还真是挑剔呢
for somebody who's morbidly obese.
她这一年挺不顺的 她的猫死了
Mm, she's had a rough year. Her cat died.
你知道昔科技牌奶昔最酷的是什么吗
You know the really cool thing about shaketech shakes?
你不只可以买♥♥奶昔
Not only can you buy them.
你还可以卖♥♥奶昔
They let you sell 'em too.
真的吗 - 当然啦
Really? - Heck yeah!
你卖♥♥掉的可以用来抵掉你喝的
That pays for the shakes you're drinking,
剩下的就全是利润啦
and then the rest is pure profit
你可以用来买♥♥点你们女生的小东西
that you can go spend on your girl stuff,
胸罩带啦或是防狼喷雾
like bra wire and pepper spray.
哇 你说得对 我确实可以买♥♥卖♥♥奶昔
Wow, you know, I could totally do that.
那你怎么说
So what do you say?
为什么不呢
Why not?
那我就要 - 八箱
I guess I'll take... - Eight boxes?
好啊 - 好的
Sure. - All right.
这数量还真具体呢
It's a very specific number.
是啊 最少八箱
Yeah, it's got to be eight.
我还需要你的社会安全号♥码
I'm also gonna need your social security number.
好吧
Okay.
我可喜欢惊喜了
I'm loving this surprise thing.
好吧 我们现在在哪儿 剧院吗 还是机场
Okay, where are we? The opera? The airport?
还是要去缅因州看秋叶飘零
Oh, are we going to Maine to watch the leaves change?
不 我们还在莫和大卫餐厅
Ah, no, we're at mo and David's.
我闻到服务员Chi-Chi的古龙水了
I can smell chi-chi the busboy's Cologne.