养育者

-把照片放进去 -然后滤镜会让你
‐ So, you put your photo in. ‐ And the filter makes you
看起来像熊或者兔子什么的
look like a bear or a rabbit or whatever.
那是你 爷爷 但你看起来像獾
So that's you, Granddad. But you look like a badger.
你觉得呢
What you think?
我觉得国家应该恢复服兵役
I think they should bring back national service.
好了 你俩 我们回家吧
Right, come on, you two. Let's go home, please.
-去车里 -我坐副驾驶
- Get in the car. - Shotgun.
你们为什么不一起坐后面
Why can't you both just sit in the back?
那有什么意思
What's the point of that?
不知道 家庭统一的感觉
I don't know, a sense of family unity.
-但我先说坐副驾的 -我先说的
‐ But I called shotgun. - I did first.
公平的来说 是她先说的
Yeah, to be fair, mate, she was first.
你还好吗 妈
Hey. You all right, Mum?
我已经帮琳养玫瑰好多年了
I've been doing Lynn's roses for years.
自从她的手得了关节炎
Since she got arthritis in her hands
然后不能 那个叫什么来着 吉姆
and couldn't work the‐‐oh, what are they called, Jim?
-修枝剪 -修枝剪
‐ Secateurs. ‐ Secateurs.
所以我会过去 摘摘枯花 修剪枝条
So, I'd nip in and do some deadheading or pruning.
她很爱那些玫瑰
Well, she loves her roses.
-鲍勃一点不在乎 -是的
‐ Bob couldn't give a shit. ‐ No.
但琳很喜欢它们
Lynn loved them, though.
而且我答应了她
And I've promised her
我会确保人家好好养着
that I'd make sure that they'd be kept nice.
你觉得新邻居会照顾那些花吗
Do you think the new neighbors will look after them?
我怎么会知道
How could I possibly know that?
听说他们是年轻的白领
Apparently, they're young professionals.
所以那应该不会太差
So that doesn't sound too bad.
-你能过去说一声吗 保罗 -什么 跟新邻居吗
‐ Would you have a word, Paul? ‐ What, with the new neighbors?
你懂中层阶级 我们已经不懂了
You can speak middle class. We can't.
这会让我安心
It would put my mind at rest.
好 等他们搬进来
Yeah, sure. Once they move in,
我就过去跟他们说花的事情
I'll pop over and have a word about the flowers, yeah.
-非常感谢 亲爱的 -没事 妈
‐ Thanks so much, love. ‐ It's all right, Mum.
好了 妈的 还抱上了
All right. Fuck me, a hug.
拥抱过鲍勃后我就喜欢上这感觉了
I'm getting a taste for them after hugging Bob.
就像发现了法棍披萨一样
Like when I discovered French bread pizzas.
现在我们只吃这个了
We wouldn't eat anything else.
番茄会融化你的上颚
The tomato melts the roof of your mouth.
然后面包脆皮又嵌进去
Then the crusts embed themselves in it.
但非常值得
But it's worth it.
很不错的故事 对吧
Good story, innit?
-回头见 爱你 -我们爱你
- See you soon. Love you. ‐ We love you.
那是谁
Who's that?
-有什么好笑的 -我们在聊迪可得
‐ What's so funny? ‐ We're on Discord.
-那是游戏吗 -聊天软件
‐ Is that a game? ‐ Chat server.
我朋友安德鲁太傻了
My friend Andrew's so stupid.
前者为世界最大的多人在线创作游戏
后者为瑞典开♥发♥的一款沙盒建造游戏
他觉得《罗布乐思》比《我的世界》好玩
He reckons that Roblox is better than Minecraft,
《我的世界》中发布的第一个大boss
就因为他从没见过末影龙
just 'cause he's never seen an ender dragon.
他都没有Switch
He doesn't even have a Switch.
他是用他妈妈的平板玩的
He plays on his mum's iPad.
而且他不能看《新机动战记高达》飞翼高达
And he's not allowed to watch Mobile Suit Gundam Wing,
因为里面有胸 但他还是会看
'cause of all the boobs. But he still does.
你说得对 这太好笑了
You're right, that is really funny.
妈妈
Hi, Mum.
-嗨 -亲爱的
‐ Hi. ‐ Hi, love.
-你今天怎么样 -你懂的
- How was your day? ‐ Oh, you know.
-你呢 -一样
- How about you? ‐ Same.
不过我给大家买♥♥炸鸡了
I got us all some fried chicken, though.
油腻腻 我怀念从桶里吃炸鸡的日子
Ooh, greasy‐‐I've missed eating out of the bucket.
想着我们可以一起看《花样冰舞》
Thought we could watch "Dancing on Ice."
不是直播 但要啥自行车呢
Not live, you know, but beggars can't be choosers.
我想在桌上吃我的那份 如果可以的话
I might eat mine at the table, if that's okay.
不 等等 等等
No, hang on, hang on.
坐在电视前 放在腿上吃
Eat it on your lap in front of the telly.
对 我也打算回我那里吃
Yeah, I was gonna go to my area.
我们都累坏了 保罗
We're all knackered, Paul.
不 拜托 别就各顾各走了啊
No, come on, come on. Don't just disperse.
我们是一家人 不如我们 就这一次
You know, we're a family. Why don't we, for once,
在同一时间看同一个屏幕呢
just watch the same screen at the same time?
说实话我其实没有太大兴致
I'm not hugely in the mood, to be honest.
我有作业
I've got homework.
-我也是 -去他妈的作业
‐ Yeah, so have I. ‐ Fuck homework.
我们要看电视 好吗 我要求的不多
We're watching telly. All right, I'm not asking much.
我没说一起玩客厅派对游戏
I'm not saying let's have parlor games
或智力棋盘或圆场棒球
or play Trivial Pursuit or Rounders.
但我希望 我命令你们几个小鬼头
But I am asking‐‐I'm fucking ordering you shithouses
坐下来 吃这份不怎么热的面乎乎的鸡肉
to sit down, eat this barely warm, batter‐y chicken,
并往同一个方向看
and look in the same fucking direction.
说好的两厢情愿呢
What happened to consent?
能给我点凉拌卷心菜吗
Can I have some coleslaw, please?
谢谢 谢谢 宝贝
Thank you. Thanks, babe.
好吧 这节目太烂了 你们走吧
Right, well, this is shit. Go on, then.
去看你们自己屏幕吧
Fuck off to your screens.
我说真的 走吧
I mean it. Go.
-这些假转身 -别说了
‐ These fake turns‐‐ ‐ Don't.
别费劲了
Just don't.
你好 我父母住在隔壁
Hello, hi. My parents live next door,
我在想 对了 我叫保罗
and I was wonder‐‐ I'm Paul, by the way.
我只是在想 你是不是园丁
I was wondering, are you a gardener,
或你的伴侣是园丁吗 如果你有的伴侣的话
or is your partner a gardener, if you have one?
抱歉 我知道这个问题很怪
Sorry, I realize this is a strange question.
我们还没想过花♥园♥的事
We haven't really thought about the garden yet.
-我们才刚搬进来 -对 没错
- We've only just moved in. ‐ Right, well.
只是我妈答应了之前的住户
The thing is that my mum promised the previous tenant
她会照顾好那些玫瑰
that she would look after her roses,
我在想你是否介意
and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind
她偶尔过来打理一下花
if she occasionally popped in to do that.
行吧 我想可以
Sure. Yeah, I suppose.
她不会进屋 对吧
If she‐‐she won't come in the house, will she?
不不 后面花♥园♥有个侧门
No, no, there's a‐‐there's a side gate in the back garden
她可以从那里进 你都不会知道她来了
that she can use; you won't know even know she's there.
她不是疯了 只是她答应了朋友
She's not a looney. She just promised her friend, you know.
行 没问题
Yeah, sure, no problem.
非常感谢 谢谢
Thank you very much. Thank you.
嗯 抱歉
Yeah. Sorry.
抱歉
Sorry.
好极了 你在这
Oh, great. You're here.
对 给你买♥♥了这个
Yeah. Got you this.
谢了 你出轨了吗
Oh, thanks. Are you having an affair?
-什么 -咖啡
‐ What? ‐ The coffee.
你好几个月没给我买♥♥咖啡了
You haven't done that in months.
我就不能对你好
Can't I just do a nice thing
-还不出轨吗 -我猜可以吧
- and not be having an affair? ‐ I mean, I guess.
她叫洛克茜 她让我感到活力满满 行了吗
She's called Roxie, and she makes me feel alive, okay?
好吧 我们干什么 卖♥♥糖果吗
Right, so what are we doing, then, sweets stall?
我是 我想你在那边 幸运抽抽乐
Well, I am. I think you're over there, on Lucky Dip.
所以我们不在一起
Oh, so we're not together.
你知道这种活动 他们喜欢把我们分开
You know how it is. They like to split us up,
算是分而治之的策略
in that divide and conquer kind of way.
你认识乔治吧
You know George.
嗯 当然
Yeah, of course.
对 我们是跆拳道兄弟 对吧
Yeah, we're massive taekwondo mates, aren't we?
对 你好
Yes. Hello.
好啊 伙计 好了
Hello, mate. All right.
那我就去那边
Okay, so I'll be over there.
-一会儿见 -好
- See you in a minute. ‐ Yeah.
就这样
That's it.
就这样 伸手进去抽奖
That's it. Dig deep, son.
谁知道底下藏了什么好东西呢