美式主妇

American Housewife S04E15

Part 2 May 28, 2020, 12:07 p.m.

昨天我用孩子的游戏机打了《堡垒之夜》
Yesterday, I played "Fortnite" on my kids' Xbox.
我虐杀了18个人
u202dI had 18 kills,
然后我就被一个穿得像香蕉的9岁小屁孩打死了
then I got shot by a 9-year-old dressed like a banana.
离婚赞爆了
Divorce is amazing.
唯一的缺点是如果你洗澡时摔倒了
The only downside is that, if you fall in the shower,
你的孩子进来就会看到你的裸体
your kids are gonna find you naked.
我没打算跟格雷格离婚
I'm not divorcing Greg.
泰勒和那个谁的事我帮不了你
Well, I can't help you with Taylor and...
安娜凯特
Anna-Kat.
没错安娜凯特
Yeah, Anna-Kat.
但我可以教奥利弗开车
Uh, but I will take Oliver driving.
谢谢你但为什么
Thank you, and why?
就是啊你明明受不了他
Yeah, you can't stand him.
骂他很有趣啊
Uh, well, he's fun to yell at.
他不会哭但他会眼泛泪光我看了就很爽
He doesn't cry, but his eyes get all glisteny like I like.
我的妈呀
u202dOh, dear!
不过说真的各位大猩猩是濒危动物
But, seriously, folks, gorillas are endangered.
记得回收利用哦
Recycle, yo.
我的妈呀
u202dOh, dear!
太精彩了
Yes!
免责声明没有人类
Disclaimer -- no humans were harmed
在拍摄该视频过程中受伤
during the filming of this video.
我的尾椎骨
My tailbone.
操我的妈呀
u202dOh, fxxk, dear!
我的妈呀
Oh, dear.
你必须准备好迎接第二只大猩猩啊大屁♥股♥
You gots to be ready for the second gorilla, Donks.
必须的
You gots to!
强尼·古德温算个屁
Forget Johnny Goodwin's dad.
你的点赞数暴涨呢
You are racking up the likes!
只要我们继续拍这种整人视频
As long as we keep doing videos like these,
我们书的销量就会像那屁♥股♥一样"巨大"
our book sales are going to be as fat as that ass.
只是普通大小好吗
It's normal-sized!
顺便问下你的心脏没装起搏器吧
By the way, you don't have a pacemaker, do you?
你不准电击我
You're not tasing me.
知道吗
You know what?
凯特说得没错
Kate's right --
有时你真让人身心俱疲老兄
sometimes, you can be exhausting, bruh.
那椅子你从哪弄来的
Where did you get that?
我在地下室找到的
I found it in the basement.
那是我和你♥爸♥住的第一套公♥寓♥里用的椅子
Your dad and I used to have this in our first apartment,
那时我们还没有孩子
before we had kids.
让我坐一下
Let me get in there.
我以前爱死这张椅子了
I loved this chair.
我以前常坐在上面打盹看书
I used to take naps in it and read books.
看书真的吗
Books? Really?
这跟得知你以前玩花滑一样令我震惊
It's like learning you used to be a figure skater.
我知道这很难令人相信
I know it's hard to believe,
但在我一孕傻三年之前我的脑子是好使的
but before I had kids, my brain used to work.
地下室里还有其他东西吗
Was there anything else down there?
有还有一些古怪的旧东西
Oh, yeah. A bunch of other weird old stuff,
很多照片和婴儿旧物占满了
lot of photos and baby junk taking up
绝佳的核战避难所
perfectly good fallout-shelter real estate.
好了
There.
现在这里看起来
Now it looks exactly
跟我和你♥爸♥以前住的旧单房♥公♥寓♥一模一样
like the old studio apartment dad and I lived in.
这些跟我愿景板上的东西完全不一样
None of this was on my vision board.
杰姬应该也不会有台热狗面包机
And I don't believe Jackie O had a hot-dog toaster.
多瑞丝什么时候带我去学开车
When is Doris gonna take me driving?
老妈今晚有个派对
Mom, there's a party tonight.
你就不能酷一点改天再禁足我吗
Can't you be cool and ground me some other time?
嘿你想听史上最美妙的声音吗
Hey. You wanna hear the most beautiful sound in the world?
想啊
Yeah.
-老妈 -你不是吧
- Mom! -Seriously?!
-老妈这是我的房♥间 -多瑞丝几时教我开车
- Mom, it's my room! - When is Doris gonna take me driving?!
我为什么不能去派对
Why can't I go to the party?!
-快开门 -妈
- Open it up! - Mum!
快点啊
Come on!
如果你要投诉或提要求或者问
If you have a complaint, demand, a question
除了昨晚那集《单身汉》之外的问题
about anything other than last night's episode of "The Bachelor,"
老娘都不在
I'm not here!
怎么回事
What's going on in --
这里看起来就像我们的旧公♥寓♥
This looks like our old apartment.
是不是很赞啊
Isn't it amazing?
是的
It is.
另外
Plus...
我看见朗尼上网搜 "蝎子毒性有多强"
I saw Lonnie Googling, "How poisonous are scorpions?"
所以此刻能待在一个安全的地方是好事
So it's nice to be in a safe place right now.
天呐是提基吧
Oh, my God, the tiki bar.
既有法属玻利尼西亚的魅力
The easy charm of French Polynesia
又没有那些痛苦的殖民伤疤
with none of the painful colonialist scars.
我以前常撞到头的那盏灯
The lamp I used to hit my head on.
我们不小心怀上泰勒的那张椅子
The chair we accidentally made Taylor in.
以前那台录像机
The old VCR!
《恋爱编织梦》那卷带子还卡在里面
It still has "How to Make an American Quilt" jammed inside.
我想在所有集体缝纫电影里
I think, of all the group sewing movies,
那部是我的最爱
that one is my favorite.
安娜凯特觉得她的新房♥间如何
So, what does Anna-Kat think of her new room?
我们还没有孩子呢格雷格现在是1999年
We don't have kids yet, Greg. It's 1999.
我唯一的义务就是终于看完这本书
My only obligation is to finally finish this book.
我的魔棒
My devil sticks!
我以前是抛接达人
I used to rock these.
我不要再经历这种事了
I'm not going through this again.
天呐你要用宾利教我开车吗
Wow, you're giving me driving lessons in a Bentley?
喂别乱摸我的车死变♥态♥
Hey! Stop groping my car, perv!
上车
Get in.
你不跟我一起坐在前面吗
You're not sitting up here with me?
不
No.
你知道我不喜欢待在你旁边
You know I don't like being around you.
那你为何主动提出要教我开车
Then why did you offer to drive with me?
我准备去补牙
I'm getting dental work done.
他们会给我打麻醉
They're putting me under
并且说我需要一个认识的人载我回家
and say I need someone I know to drive me home.
为什么选我
Why me?
因为手术过程要三小时
Because the procedure takes three hours,
我不想麻烦任何人等我
and I didn't want to make anyone wait.
你的时间根本不值钱
Your time is worth nothing.
开车吧
Drive!
我要开去哪儿
Where am I going?
就开上公园大道吧
Just get on the Parkway.
不行我只会在普通马路上开车
Oh, no, I only know how to drive on regular streets.
开上公园大道
Take the Parkway.
我还没准备好
I'm not ready.
公园大道
The Parkway!
你做得对研究显示大吼大叫
You're right. Studies show that screaming
能提高信心和认知能力
improves both confidence and cognition.
别胡思乱想了就开吧
Stop overthinking it and just go!
你是个恶霸我不会被你霸凌的
You're a bully, and I won't be bullied.
我每天都在青少年求助热♥线♥帮孩子们
I help kids deal with people like you
应对你这样的人
every day at Teen Help Line.
我呸青少年求助热♥线♥
Ugh! Teen Help Line.
你应该对每个求助者这样说
This is how every call should go.
"感谢致电青少年求助热♥线♥
"Thanks for calling Teen Help Line.
该爷们儿点了废物"
Time to sack up, loser!"
我做到了
I did it!
我终于看完了《消失的爱人》
I finally finished "Gone Girl."
-怎么样 -不怎么喜欢
- Well? - u202dDidn't care for it.
就该直接看电影的
Should have just watched the movie.
至少能看到阿弗莱克的鸡鸡
At least I would have seen some Affleck peen.
我们该回到现实世界了吗
Should we go back out in the real world?
我得去研究约翰·斯图尔特·米尔的教学大纲
I have to work on the John Stuart Mill syllabus